The Drunkard’s Lecture

When a cop in a small town where everyone knew each other spotted the town drunk walking down the street and looking like he was up to no good, he then rolled down his window and said, “Hey! You are not heading for any trouble, are you?” And the drunkard with a big smile responded, “No sir! I’m heading to a lecture!” A lecture! Thought the cop incredulously, and at 1 am? This I gotta see!

After following him for a few blocks the cop was surprised to see him going into his own house. The cop then screamed out his window, “Hey, I thought you were heading to a lecture?!” The drunkard just held up his index finger and headed inside. Sure enough, within a minute the cop heard the lecture loud and clear through the upstairs window, “JUST WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING OUT ALL THIS TIME YOU NASTY GOOD-FOR-NOTHING…”

A Nun’s Miracle

Sister Marry was truly a religious woman. Besides her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals, visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs. So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of petrol, the only container she could find to put the petrol, was a bedpan. Sister Mary happily walked two blocks to the closest petrol station, filled up the bedpan with petrol and headed back to her car.

As luck would have it, as Sister Mary started tipping the petrol into the fuel tank, the traffic light turned red and she had quite a large audience witnessing the spectacle. Just when she finished pouring in the last drops of petrol, a fellow rolled down his window and hollered, “I swear! If that car starts I’m becoming a religious man!”

The Single Mother Syndrome – Part 2

And true to my pledge, I surprised my mother the next evening after dinner, when I called for the resumption of our talk. After we had settled down, and as if my mother had prepared her line of attack, just shot out, “And according to you, if most of the women out there aren’t prepared for the long haul, how come they are happily married? Or, are these women from another planet? Have you forgotten that if you want to walk on wet grounds, you must first throw water on the grounds?” When I managed to stop laughing, I responded, “Mum, first of all, most of the couples you saw out there aren’t happily married, but seemingly happily married. You don’t want to know how they live in their homes. Second of all, though these women aren’t from another planet, the couples have perfected the art of split-personalities. And third of all, why should I want to walk on wet grounds, and then come and mess up my rugs?”

I continued, “Mum, what happened to the ethics of your generation when children were told, taught and warned never to beg or receive from anyone outside their homes; least of all, from strangers. And that was even before the advent of modern religions, which have now done us more harm than good. I mean the days when though, our forefathers/foremothers could neither read nor write in any language, were honest, compassionate and morally upright. Now that we claim to have arrived, and claiming to know the history of other nations more than our own, we have become chronic beggars, among other vices. Our children, students, single, married and unmarried parents, now beg with impunity. They even beg from complete strangers that they can see and those they can’t see. They don’t only claim to have the right to beg bet they even deny those they beg from, the right to refuse. What arrogance? And they justify their unholy behaviours with, “This is Naija.” As if those vices, have been enshrined in our constitution. They beg and receive from, armed robbers, drug pushers, ritual-killers and treasury looters; without an atom of shame.”

My mother just looked on, as I stopped to catch my breath. Wow, what a night? Finally, I said, “Mum, all this talking is beginning to make me hungry, and if we don’t stop tonight’s session soon, I may have to ask for food.” What a relief, when she agreed and we hugged and said, “Good night.”

The Single Mother Syndrome

During one of the Christmas parties, my ever caring widowed-mother who was spending the Christmas/New Year holidays with me returned to our table with a mixture of a frown and a mischievous smile on her face. As soon as she sat down, she turned to me and said, “Son, we have to talk. Things are getting out of hand. At this rate your father, bless his soul, will be turning in his grave.” And wondering what has suddenly come over my cheerful mother, I put a hand on her shoulder and said, “Mum, talk we shall, but can it wait till we get home?” She smiled and said, “Sure darling, it can wait; but be prepared. It may take all night.”

That night, I was prepared for a lecture of my life. So, immediately after dinner she said, “Son, I have seen that most of your mates have settled down with one woman each. What is the matter with you? Don’t get me wrong. I love grandchildren, but I am not happy with the way and manner that you are producing them. Why should my son be one of those responsible for the ever-increasing number of single mothers? Why can’t you be like your father?”

And determined to inject some humour into our talk, I replied, “Mum, why should I get married and make one woman unhappy, when I can remain single and make many women happy?” But before she could flare up, I added, “On a serious note mum, most of the women out there aren’t prepared for the long haul. They are more interested in anyone who can take care of them here and now, but fail to be categorical on what it would take to take care of them. They fail to appreciate the fact that many men who can ill-afford it, but can manage it in the short term would promise, just to get into their pants.” As the night wore on, coupled with effects of the party, I virtually had to beg my mother for adjournment, not without a pledge to continue the next day.

The Report

The poor man was such a habitual drinker that even he was finally convinced that he was an alcoholic. At his family’s urging he went to see a psychiatrist. After a lengthy consultation, the doctor sternly ordered that hereafter, every time the patient got drunk he was to report his transgression the very next day.

A few days later the patient staggered into the psychiatrist’s office, and mumbled, “I wanna report that I wash drunk last night.” And when the doctor screamed at him and said, “For heaven’s sake, man, you’re drunk right now!” The patient replied, “Yeah I know. But I’m gonna report this tomorrow.”

The Village Square Syndrome

For those who are hooked on finding a spouse at the village square and at ceremonies, don't go for looks, fashions and rides; they can deceive, especially with all those layers of makeup and borrowed or rented clothes and cars.

Don't go for wealth, even that can fade away. Go for someone who can and will make you smile; because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find that someone who will make your heart smile; and you will be blessed, with a healthful and love-filled life.

How Is Your Headache?

When a man called his doctor to wish him A Merry Christmas, the doctor asked, “How is your headache?” And the man replied, “She's out of town.”

Your Good Looks

Once when a wife craved for some compliments, the husband said, “Honey, someday you may lose some, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose.” And when the wife asked, “And what may that be, darling?”  The husband replied, “Your good looks. You can never lose what you don’t have!”

Brothers, Be Warned!

Brothers are known to possess high level of sexual urge, and can easily lose control of them-selves and become irrational when sexually aroused, especially when the opposite sex is in sight; they literally start thinking with their joysticks. For your own safety, stop offering your joystick to strangers (prostitutes, one night stands, etc) for mouth-actions. Stop risking your life for just a few minutes of ecstasy. Only enjoy mouth-action with your wife or girlfriend whom you have known for a longtime.

I heard a shocking story the other day, and I think everyone should learn from this story. The victim, a final year student in one of our tertiary institutions, invited a girl he met on one of the social networks. Around 1am, his hostel mates were woken by a loud scream from the victim’s room. After several knocks on the door without any responds, they decided to force the door open. When the door was forced open, they were met with a shocking sight of the victim Unclad in a pool of blood with his joystick almost detached from his groin. And within a few feet from him, was the girl also unclad and making a rhythmic movement of the arms and legs, which signified that she was having an epileptic seizure. She may have been giving the victim a mouth-action when the seizure started.

Seizure in Epilepsy patients is often triggered when the brain is in a state of high excitement or anxiety. The experience includes stiffen and tight clicking of the teeth for several seconds to a minute (imagine your joystick in her mouth at this moment) and then having a rhythmic movements of the arms and legs. Often the rhythmic movements slow down, before stopping. The return to consciousness is gradual and the person may be confused for periods, ranging from minutes to hours. Have you ever considered, if that stranger you are offering your joystick for a mouth-action is epileptic? Like HIV/AIDS, epilepsy is not written on the face. That handsome or beautiful face might be suffering from epilepsy. “Be Warned.”

Why I Love Being Older

As I've aged, I've become kinder to, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM?  I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60s and 70s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will. I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.  They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, eventually, will remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and too many have died before their hair could turn silver. As I get older, it is easier to be positive. I care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.  I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I love being older. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

My Right

Yes, it is my right not to know and or understand. And when I don’t know or understand, I reserve the right to ask questions. Therefore, I don’t deserve to be called more names, than I already have; by anyone anxious to exhibit his/her ignorance/gullibility. I am sure, other readers and I, will appreciate direct and relevant answers; not ones made up in defense, that they themselves don’t even understand.

And my first question is, “Why is it that in the Bible, which is mainly the history of the tribe of Israel, there are mostly foreign names?”

Are We Zombies?

While entering the auditorium, I asked myself, “How will I get their immediate attention?” Then I remembered that I had a whistle in one of my pockets. So, I got out my whistle, blew it and pronto, all attention was on me. Thank you I said, and continued. “Now that I have your attention, may I have everyone standing?” Everyone got on their feet, not knowing what next to expect, from this uncanny speaker.

Then I said, “If a Zombie is to be defined as one without an independent mind or reasoning ability; and you won’t mind being referred to as a Zombie, please keep standing.” Everyone immediately sat down. And I laughed out loud but quickly apologized, because they didn’t seem to see the funny side of their actions. I know you too can’t wait to get my drift.

Late last month when I lost a very close and dear friend, I said to myself, “Oh my God, here we go again.” Here comes another, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.” And I began to wonder all over again, “Why did the Lord give in the first place?” We have gullibly swallowed all foreign doctrines, hook, line, and sinker; and still claim not to be Zombies. And if we are not Zombies, how do we explain our inability to appreciate divergent opinions? Why do we know the history of other tribes, more than our own? And if we claim to have only one Creator, why do we have so many religions?

Some Pick-up Lines

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Can I buy you a drink?

Woman: I think I’d rather have the money!

Man: Will you go out with me this Saturday?

Woman: Sorry, I’m having a headache this weekend.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Just Thoughts

Being Unique: Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Loud Music: If the music’s too loud, you’re too old.

Luck: I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Nursing Home: Be nice to your children, they will be choosing your nursing home.

The pessimist: The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip.

Patience: Dear GOD, please help me have patience, and make it quick!

The Bachelors: A recent study showed that men who are married live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.

Time: Time, is the best Teacher. The only problem is it kills all of its students.

The Final Solution: When everything else fails, try the directions.

Be Grateful And Thankful

My mates are getting married. My mates are getting good jobs. My mates are succeeding. My mates are living overseas. My mates are buying cars. My mates are building houses. My mates are this, my mates are that.

It's a pity you literally forgot about some of your mates that are in the mortuary, some of your mates in psychiatric homes, some of your mates roaming streets, some of your mates that are jobless, hungry, blind and or deaf. Some of your mates are there in jail without committing any crime. Some slept yesterday and didn't wake up today? You ate last night, but some didn't or couldn't.

Do you know that in less than 18 days, you would be saying, “Good Bye, to 2015?” You might not be where you wish to be, but you have obviously transcended from where you were yesterday. “Be grateful, thankful and appreciate what you have got.”

The Reason I’m Tired!

For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason. I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million, are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and Local Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work, you and I. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes! 

The Loyal Secretary

Bernice had been employed at the same office for over 50 years and was the boss’s top secretary. Everyone was jealous of her. Every day when Bernice showed up for work she would open the drawer to her left, peek inside, and then lock it. When she finally died, her coworker Sandy, who was dying of curiosity, made it her mission to figure out what was in that drawer.

After days of searching she finally found the key. Sweating with excitement she slowly opened up the drawer. Inside was a folded piece of paper. Slowly she reached inside and took it out, while cautiously looking over her shoulder. After a few seconds of trepidation she opened it up. It said the following “Put only one spoonful of sugar in the boss’s coffee.”

The Raise

One morning, John walked into his boss’s office and said, “Sir, I’ll be straight with you. I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agreed to a 5% raise, and John happily got up to leave. Just as he was getting up, the boss asked, “By the way, which three companies are after you?” And John replied, “The Electric Company, the Water Company, and Phone Company.”

The Judgment

When a man died and went to The Judgment, they told him, “Before you meet with God, you should know that we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul then thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!” Then they chorused, “Wow that’s impressive! When did this happen?” The newly arrived soul responded, “About three minutes ago.”

While Telemarketing

 Listen, a job is a job. We all need to find a way to put bread on the table, don’t we? To make a long story short I’m a telemarketer. That’s my job and that’s what I do. It’s not a job everyone appreciates, but it’s a job I enjoy and am proud of. The other day I called a house and a real nice lady answered the phone, she was really helpful and friendly, she was the type of lady that helps a telemarketer get through a long day. After some pleasantries I asked if Mr. Smith was in.

She answered, “I’m sorry, I’m afraid he doesn’t live here anymore.”  Now that was a real disappointment being that she was a nice lady and all, but I took it all in a stride and said, “I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Do you happen to have his new number?” The woman cheerfully replied, “Sure thing!” She gave me his new number. I hung up the phone, quickly called the new number and was surprised to hear a recording, “Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…”

The Honest Lawyer?

As his last request on his death bed, the city miser asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. He said, “I know I am going to die. And I would like to take my money with me. So I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in my coffin.”

It was a few days after the funeral when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 in the coffin. The doctor said, “I’m glad you brought it up, because I have also been feeling guilty. I only put $80,000 in the coffin.” And the lawyer stormed, “You people should be ashamed of yourselves, stealing money like that. Am I the only honest person here?”  Pulling out his cheque book, he added, “Look, I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!”

Don’t Need Prayers Here

When a man took his wife to a fancy restaurant and the food was served, he just grabbed his cutlery and said, “Yes, this is it. Let’s eat.” But his wife looked at him quizzically and said, “Honey, you haven’t prayed. At home, you always say your prayers before you eat.” And the husband replied, “That is at home. Here, the chef knows what he is doing.”

He Wished

When a bus full of housewives going on a picnic fell into a river and all of them died, each husband cried for a week. But one husband in the community continued to cry for more than two weeks.

When asked whether he missed his wife so much, he replied miserably, “Hell, no. My wife missed the bus.”

Not Applicable

When a husband came home and told his wife that he found the Angel of luck today, his wife exclaimed, “Wow! What did you ask for darling?” The husband replied, “I asked him to increase your brain ten times.”

Excitedly, his wife said, “How sweet! I love you so much. Did he do that for me?” And the husband smiled and said, “He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zeros”

The Blackman’s Problem

During an interview with a Jewish leader about Blacks, the interviewer asked, “Why are blacks so behind, economically?”

JEWISH LEADER: The only aspect blacks understand is Consumption. Blacks don't understand the importance of building wealth. The fundamental rule is to keep your money within your racial group. We build Jewish business, hire Jewish, buy Jewish and spend Jewish. There is nothing wrong with that but it is a basic rule blacks cannot comprehend and follow. "He kills his fellow blacks daily instead of wanting to see his fellow black do well." 93% of blacks killed in America are by other blacks. Their leaders steal from their people and send the money back to their colonial masters from whom they borrow the same money from. Every successful black wants to spend his money in the country of his colonial masters.

They go on holidays abroad, buy houses abroad, school abroad etc, instead of spending this money in their own country to benefit their people. Statistics show that the Jew's money exchanges hands 18 times before leaving his community while for blacks it is probably a maximum of once or even zero. Only 6% of black money goes back into their community. This is why Jews are at the top and blacks are at the bottom of every ladder of society. Instead of buying Louis Vuitton, Hermes, expensive cars, shoes, houses, dresses etc, blacks could industrialize Africa, build banks and get rid of colonial institutions by putting them out of business.

INTERVIEWER: Your thoughts on failure of blacks after 150yrs?

JEWISH LEADER: Well, nothing is ever the Blackman’s fault. His compulsive habit of killing his own, compulsive material consumption. His inability to build businesses or preserve wealth are usually somebody else's fault.

INTERVIEWER: So what can blacks do to liberate themselves?

JEWISH LEADER: Blacks must take responsibility. Blacks must unite. And vehemently fight corrupt leaders who run down their countries and run to IMF as though IMF is Father Christmas.

***Please share this until it goes round Nigeria, and particularly to our parasitic leaders. We all need to learn our lessons quick and build our Nation NIGERIA***

The Race Of Life

As I dressed up to go out this morning, I am once again reminded of how personal and private this race called life is. I got into my car, drove out, and joined the road where other cars are already travelling on. Lesson number 1: We don't all have the same entry point into life.

As I kept driving, I passed some other cars, while other cars passed me.

Lesson number 2: We won't travel through life at the same speed because each car is built differently.

And as I moved on, I caught myself trying to pursue another car in front of me, only to discover that, just as I was about to pass it, it turned off the road into another road.

Lesson number 3: We don't all have the same exit point.

We are all on this journey called life. We will enter at different points and exit at different points, but one thing is for sure; we will all exit this road at one point in time or the other. It may be 10km run THE CREATOR has given you, or it could be 100kms. What is important is that you run your race well.

Your car has side view mirrors and a rear-view mirror. You use both to see the sides and the back of your car respectively. Other cars will be behind you, while others may be beside you for a while. It is dangerous to spend time looking at these mirrors; they will distract you. That is why your car has got a large windshield/screen in front of you. It gives you the biggest view of the potentials in front of you and the resources you are yet to attain.

Don't spend precious time looking at your back to see those who are pursuing you, or looking at your side to see those who are trying to overtake you. Keep your eyes in front of you and stay true to your race. When it is time to exit the road, you would know that you have run your race well and ended well. I pray THE CREATOR, to bless and help you as you run this race called LIFE. Have a Wonderful LIFE.

The Burden Of Hatred

Once, a Junior School teacher asked her students to bring some potatoes in a plastic bag to school. Each potato represents a person whom that child hates. Therefore, the number of potatoes will be equal to the number of persons they hate. The children brought their potatoes, named appropriately. Some had two, some had three and some had five potatoes.

The teacher then said, “I want each one of you to carry your potatoes with you everywhere you go for the next one week.” As the days passed the potatoes began to smell and the children started to complain about the rotten smell of the potatoes. The more the potatoes, the worse the smell, not to mention the extra weight one had to endure. At the end of the week the teacher asked, "How did you feel this one week?" The Children complained of the smell and weight. And the Teacher said, "This is very similar to what you carry in your heart when you don't like some people.”

Hatred makes the heart unhealthy and you carry that hatred everywhere you go. If you can't bear the smell of spoiled potatoes for a week, imagine the impact on your heart that you carry throughout your life time. Your Heart is a beautiful garden that needs regular cleaning. Forgive People. Forgive those who have angered you and those who will anger you. Forgiveness is for your-self and it's an attribute only of the strong.”

Some Facts About California

1.       1 out of every 8 Americans is from California.

2.       California's official state animal is extinct.

3.       The five worst cities in the U.S. for air pollution are all in California.

4.       California produces 80% of the world's almonds.

5.       California has more than 130,000 people in prison.

6.       LSD was legal in California until 1966.

7.       A light bulb that hasn't been turned off since 1901 still shines at a fire station in California.

8.       California was the first U.S. state that banned Marijuana a century ago.

9.       In January 2014, a woman was beaten to death in California over an accidental photo-bomb.

10.   There's a microwaveable Burrito Vending Machine at a gas station in Hollywood, California.

11.   Antarctica was once as warm as modern-day California.

12.   Air pollution in China increases snowfall in California.

13.   California has built 23 prisons since 1980. In the same period, the University of California system has opened just one new campus.

14.   In 1818, the argentine pirate Hippolyte Bouchard attacked Monterey, California. After an hour of combat, Argentina's flag flew over it.

15.   There's a town named "Cool" and another called "Squabbletown" in California.

16.   In California and 3 other U.S. states, "Ladies' Night" are against the law because they are gender discrimination.

17.   California is the world's 5th largest supplier of food.

18.   There's a coast-to-coast hiking trail that stretches from Delaware to California.

19.   City of Industry, California, has a population of 219 but is home to 80,000 jobs.

20.   California holds 12% of the U.S. population and produces 6.9% of the country's total greenhouse gas emissions. Texas has 8.5% of the population and produces 12.8%.

21.   Southern California has about 10,000 earthquakes each year, though most are so small that they are never felt.

22.   Latinos now outnumber whites in California since 2015.

UPDATES FROM TANZANIA POST ELECTION ACTIVITIES

Last weekend they were opening parliament and there was a state dinner planned for all guests that was going to cost about 300m. President Magulufi cut the budget to 25m and ordered that the rest be taken to buy hospital beds for Muhimbili they got 300 beds and mattresses and 600 bed sheets from that money.

On 23rd Nov 2015 he announced that there will be no official ceremonies for Independence Day on 9th December, the money is to be used for more pressing issues and the day should instead be spent cleaning up our environment.

On Saturday 21st Nov 2015 a group of 50 people were about to set off for a tour of commonwealth countries (don’t know for what) but President Magulufi cut that list down to 4 people, saving government 600m in tickets, accommodation and per diems

No more foreign travel, embassies will take care; if it’s necessary to go, special permission must be sought from him or Chief Secretary

No more 1st class and business class travel for all officials except President, Vice, and Prime Minister.

No more workshops and seminars in expensive hotels when there are so many ministry board rooms available.

President Magulufi asked how come engineers are given V8s when a pick-up is more suitable for their jobs.

No more sitting allowances, how the hell are you paid allowance for a job which you have a monthly salary; that also applies to MPs.

President Magulufi has literally pressed the reset button; returning Tanzania to default factory settings, because that was the TZ Nyerere left us with.

On the day after he was brought to power, in the morning as State House officials were showing him round he decided to take a walk to ministry of finance, told them to get their act together, asked why some employees weren’t in office (ever since then the traffic jam in mornings has become worse) and ordered TRA to scrap all tax exemptions, everyone must pay taxes especially the big guys

President Magulufi went to Muhimbili Hospital unannounced and walked thru the worst parts that they keep hiding from important visitors he fired the director, fired the hospital board and ordered that all machines that weren’t working (so that people go to private hospitals owned by some doctors) to be repaired within 2 weeks otherwise he fires even the new director; the machines were repaired in 3 days

Finally, last week when going to officially open parliament President Magulufi didn’t go by plane, drove the whole 600km from Dar to Dodoma.

President Magulufi has reduced the size of the presidential convoy, even reduced the size of presidential delegation that travels with him

President Magulufi chose a Prime Minister we haven’t heard of before, a guy with reputation for hard work and no corruption all the big guys we expected could be PM have been let wondering what hit them.

His motto is: Hapa Kazi Tu

After President Magulufi visited Ministry of finance and Muhimbii Hospital without announcing it is said the port (most corrupt, delaying, thieving officials) were all of a sudden the most efficient place. No loads are missing, things are done quickly and that habit of forcing for a bribe so that your container is released is no more.

Oh, they say when he was confirmed as winner people started congratulating him and wanting to bring gifts to his place he turned them back, saying he will receive all congrats over the phone, nobody should visit him.

All individuals/firms that bought state companies that were privatized but haven’t done anything (20yrs later) are to either revive the industries immediately or hand them back to the government

………………………

TIME TO LEARN FROM THE BEST.

VOTE WISELY.

Some Prayer

One day, a married man knelt down, looked longingly to the heavens and prayed, “Dear Papa God, You gave me childhood, You took it away. You gave me youth, You took it away. Then You gave me a wife. And it has been years now. I am just reminding You.”

Some Facts You Didn't Know About CHRISTMAS

1.       Christmas was illegal in the U.S. until 1836 as it was considered an Ancient Pagan Holiday.

2.       Every Christmas, one million letters are addressed to Santa Claus at his own postal code: "H0H 0H0, North Pole, Canada."

3.       The weeks before Christmas is the most popular time for couples to break up, according to data analyzed from Facebook.

4.       During the Christmas season, almost 28 LEGO sets are sold every second.

5.       Norwegians pay half tax in November so everyone has more money for Christmas.

6.       In Catalonia (Spain), a smiley-faced piece of wood called "Shitting Log" poops out the presents in Christmas.

7.       Christmas ham, originally a pagan tradition, was endorsed by the Catholic Church as a test of truthful conversion from Judaism.

8.       In some European countries, children are given gifts on December 6 rather than in Christmas Day.

9.       About 200 Christmas trees catch fire every year in the U.S.

10.   In Japan, KFC is a typical feast of Christmas Eve.

11.   New Zealand bans all advertising on TV on Christmas, Easter, Good Friday and ANZAC Day.

The Insatiability Factor

During one of their after dinner banters, the wife quizzically asked, “Honey, why are men never ever satisfied with their Mobiles, Automobiles, TV and Wives?”

And the husband replied, “Because, there is always a better model in the neighborhood.”

Writing A Will

When a man heard from his doctor that his end was near, he headed straight to a lawyer to write a will.  The secretary watched as the man walked into the Lawyer’s office, and three minutes later the man walked off in a huff.  “Can I help you?” asked the secretary, dashing after the obviously upset man. “HELP ME? THIS GUY IS CRAZY!” I asked him to help me write a will and he said to me, ‘sure, let me just ask you a few questions and then leave it all to me.’  “I’ve heard before how lawyers are dishonest but this just takes the cake!”

Riddle Of The Day

Question: What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Answer: Short 

Good News Bad News

Paul was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however to Paul’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news.  Instead, he gave the sorry job to Paul’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently.

So the next morning, Paul’s wife Vera said, “Honey, I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?” Paul, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “What do I care? Just give me the bad news!” And Vera cupping Paul’s hand with her two hands said, “Well dear, I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.” Barely able to hold his voice from cracking, croaked out, “Vera, what’s the good news?” And happily, Vera said, “The good news is that, the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!” 

Birthday Surprise Gift

When Raphael decided to buy a present for his Uncle Solomon’s birthday, he sought the assistance of his older brother, bought a present, gift wrapped it, and brought it over to his uncle. His uncle, knowing that Raphael’s father manufactured apple juice, and seeing a wet spot on the bottom corner of the box, decided to have some fun with Raphael by trying to guess what was in the box.

“Hmm” said Uncle Solomon, dipping his finger on the wet spot and taking a quick taste, “I’m going to guess it’s a case of apple juice.” Jumping up and down clearly enjoying the game, Raphael said, “No.” Clearly surprised, Uncle Solomon asked, “Not apple juice?” After another quick taste and a brief pause he guessed again, “Is it apple cider?” Practically squealing in excitement, Raphael said, “No, IT’S A PUPPY!”

Anniversary Gift Dilemma

If there was one thing that got David’s wife Susan upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion. So when David’s second Anniversary was coming up, he quizzed all his friends, co-workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present. He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers. Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, he called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note, “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!”

On the morning of the Anniversary, David made sure Susan would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room. “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!” Hollered Susan angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”

Being Polite

I work as a pediatric nurse, and often have the painful job of giving shots to the children. One day upon entering the examining room to give a shot, the little girl started screaming, “NO! NO! NO!” And her mother scolded, “Jessica! That is not polite behaviour!” At that, the girl continued to scream, “NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU!”

The Speeding Drama

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She was going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulled her over and said, “Ma’am, can I please see your license?” She replied, “I’m sorry officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrowed and he straightened up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She said, “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” The cop instructed, “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE. I’m calling for backup.” He muttered furiously into his walkie-talkie.

Five minutes later, half the squad pulled up, and the Chief of Police walked over to the woman’s window, and asked sternly, “Ma’am, can I see your license?” “Of course, officer.” She smiled demurely and pulled out a license from her purse. He squinted warily at it, and said, “This looks legitimate,” he mumbled. “Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulled it out of the glove compartment and handed it to him. “Ma’am, stand back!” He banged open the trunk of the car and flinches; but it was completely empty. The woman brandished a finger at the first cop and said accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

A Mother-In-Law Can Tell

When Andrew finally got engaged, he was excited to show off his new bride. He said to his mother, “Ma, I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiancé.” Sure enough twenty minutes later, Andrew walked in the door with three girls following behind him. Without blinking an eye, his mother said, “It’s that one.” And Andrew exclaimed “Holy cow! How in the world did you know it was her?” She replied, “I just don’t like her.”

David’s Seal

When 3 year old David asked his mother if he could have an animal cracker, his mother said, “Sure David, open up the box and take a few.” And when forty five minutes later David’s mother walked into the kitchen, she asked, “David, why did you spill out all of the animal crackers? What are you looking for?” David replied “It said on the box not to eat it if the seal is broken. I spilled out the whole box, I looked through all of the animals but I can’t find any seals!”

Beyond Reasonable Doubt

A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight, he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body. When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand and said, “Ladies and Gentleman of the jury I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead woman walk in on her own two feet.”

There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door. But after a few seconds of anxious waiting, the lawyer said, “Ladies and Gentleman, to be honest with you nobody is going to be walking through the door. However, from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door, it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.” To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty. The lawyer then questioned, “But how could you say that he is guilty?  Didn’t I prove it to you?” And one old lady explained, “It is true that we all turned towards the door. But there was one person who didn’t.” And when the indignant lawyer asked, “Who was that?” The reply was, “Your client.”

Making Sure

Existence was so tranquil and peaceful for the young couple of Adam and Eve, like straight out of a story book, until one unfortunate day when Adam showed up one hour late for supper. By the time Adam finally came home Eve was a nervous wreck, and her imagination was working overtime. As soon as Adam showed up, Eve questioned, “Honey, what happened? Why are you home so late?” With a wave of the hand, Adam responded, “Oh I’m sorry! I just lost track of the time.”

Now Eve didn’t have a Mother or girlfriend around to calm her fears, after all it was just her and her Husband and despite Adam’s convincing act her overactive imagination could not be calmed. That night after two hours of restlessly turning in her bed, enough was enough. Suddenly, Adam jumped out of bed and hollered “WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?” Eve screamed right back, “YOU KNOW DARN WELL WHAT I’M DOING. NOW YOU BETTER LAY STILL RIGHT NOW, AND LET ME FINISH COUNTING THOSE RIBS!”

Unsurpassed Stress Level

When John’s wife Kate was in labour at home and was sure it was time to head to the hospital, his stress level was at unsurpassed levels.  Breathing heavily, John grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?”  The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “Just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?”  SYLVIA! John screamed on the top of his lungs, “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!” And the doctor asked, “Is this her first child?” John blasted, “NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”

For The Sick

In the middle of the service when little Joseph went with his mom to church Sunday, he complained that he was feeling a bit queasy and was afraid he was going to puke. His mother whispered in his ear, “No problem dear. Just head on over to the bathroom on the other side of the Church, and take care of it there.”

When thirty seconds later Joseph came back, his mother asked, “Did you go to the bathroom?” Joseph responded, “No need mom. Right outside the door was a big box with a sign next to it ‘for the sick’, so I just did it in there.”

The Distraction

When a cop saw the staggering man walking out of the bar towards the parking lot, he gleefully thought, “I’ll just wait until he pulls out and then I’ll pull him over for drunk driving.” There was no doubt about it, the man was as drunk as could be. After tripping over a rock and dusting himself off, he slowly made his way towards his car swaying every which way.  And after opening the passenger side door by mistake, he finally opened the right door and sat down heavily in the driver’s seat. But after dosing off for a few minutes he seemed to awake out of his drunken slumber and slowly put his keys in the ignition turning on the car.

He barely started pulling out before the cop turned on his sirens full blast and headed over to the car and said, “Alright buddy, get on out and let me see you walk a straight line.” To the cops surprise the man easily walked a straight line, and even passed the Breathalyzer test too. Then the positively mystified cop asked, “How’d you get sober so quick?” The man responded with a smile, “Get sober?” I am always sober. I was just distracting you so all my drunken buddies could escape without you noticing!”

At The Eye Doctor

I was very scared about going to the eye doctor to get a certain procedure done on my eyes. The doctor tried to put me at ease but to no avail. It was after he finished with my first eye that I nearly jumped out of the chair, when he said, “There, there. Only one eye left!”

The Empty Specimen Container

When a lady arrived at the doctor’s office for a routine physical, the nurse handed her a urine specimen container and said, “The bathroom is over there on your right, the doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”

A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face, handed the nurse the empty container and said. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

A Kiss Per Yard

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spotted a nice material for a dress and, and asked the male sales clerk, “How much does it cost? And the male sales clerk replied with a smirk, “Only one kiss per yard.” The girl said, “That’s fine by me. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, smiled, and said, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

The Opportunist

When during a shopping mall robbery, one of the robber’s mask slid down, he looked at a man and asked, “Did you see my face?” The man said yes! The robber shot him. Then he asked a woman. “Did you see my face?” And the woman said, “I didn’t. But my but my husband over there did.”

What We Love

One day, when a tour bus driver was driving his bus full of senior citizens down a highway, a little old lady tapped him on his shoulder and offered him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munched up. After approximately 15 minutes later, she tapped him on his shoulder again and handed him another handful of almonds. She repeated this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time, the tour bus driver asked the little old lady, “Why don't you eat the almonds yourselves?” Whereupon she replied, “It is not possible because of our old teeth. We are not able to chew them.” Puzzled, the tour bus driver asked, "Why do you buy them then?" And the old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate around them.”

His Last Request

When Pa James, who has been a faithful Christian was in the hospital near death, the family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Pa James’ condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Pa James used his last bit of energy to scribble a note then suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Pa James died. He said, "You know, Pa James handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing James, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Best Sex

When John entered a bus, saw this pretty young nun, he immediately sat next to her. After a few moments, he started to plead, "You are so attractive and I must have sex with you." But the nun replied, "No, I'm married to God." She then stood up and got off the bus, at the next stop. Devastated, John decided to get off at the next two stops. While getting off, the bus driver who had overheard his conversation with the nun said, "I can tell you how to get to make love with her!" Excitedly, John said, "Really?” And the bus driver responded, "Yeah. She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that glowing powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be an Angel."

John promised to give it a try. So, on the next Tuesday night, he arrived at the cemetery dressed as suggested. And on seeing the nun, he said, "I am an Angel. God has directed me to make love with you." The nun agreed without hesitation, but begged him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she was desperate not to lose her virginity. The man agreed and promptly had his wicked way with her. This was the best sex he had ever had. After finishing, he jumped up, threw back his hood with a flourish and laughed happily, "Ha-ha! Surprise surprise, I am the man from the bus!" And the nun replied, "Ha-ha! Surprise surprise, I am the bus driver!"

The Red Shirt

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain said, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he got his red shirt and they victoriously battled the pirates. Several days later, they spotted another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," said the captain, "Get me my red shirt." They again battled the pirates and are victorious.

Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asked, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responded, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit." The cabin boy said, "I see." A few days later, when they sighted 20 pirate ships in the distance the captain yelled out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."

Wishful Thinking

When three friends died in a car crash, and found themselves at the pearly gates, they were all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy said, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy said, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." And the last guy replied, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Now You Know Who Would

The Special Squad had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the Special Squad agent took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun, and said, "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." And the agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

The Right Of Claim

Late one night a robber wearing a mask, accosted a well-dressed man, in a residential car park, stuck a gun in his ribs and demanded, “Give me your money.” Indignantly, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this. I am a Nigerian senator.” And the robber said, “In that case, give me MY money.”

The Good Deal

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by, which had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. But feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later, the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth.

How He Did It

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fell all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but ended up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decided to be kind and told them, “The first one who can use the words, “Liver” and “Cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” And the Poodle said, “Oh, how childish. That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” And the Golden Retriever blurted, “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese.”  Unimpressed, the Poodle said, “My, my, I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turned to the last of the three dogs and said, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gave her a smile, a sly wink, turned to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and said, “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

What Was He Thinking?

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phoned for a cab, turned on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard. But when the taxi arrived, and they opened the front door to leave, the cat they had put out, suddenly scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. S0 the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went back in. The cat ran upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

Because the wife didn't want the driver to know the house will be empty, she explained to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later the husband got into the cab, and said, "Sorry I took so long.” And as they drove away, he added, "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!” The cab driver hit a parked car.

What Did The Chicken Do?

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth was driving him crazy.

One day, it got to be too much, so the guy grabbed the bird by the throat, shook him really hard, and yelled, "QUIT IT!" But this just made the bird mad and he swore more than ever. Then the guy got mad and said, "That's it. I'll get you." He locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravated the bird and he clawed and scratched, and when the guy finally let him out, the bird cut loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy was so mad that he threw the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there was a terrible din. The bird kicked and clawed and thrashed. Then it suddenly went very quiet. At first the guy just waited, but then he started to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he was so worried that he opened up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbed onto the man's outstretched arm and said, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Not Wanted

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. And when the policeman asked for a description, she said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

Immediately, the next-door neighbour protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Being Creative

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife, "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife, "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all, the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back, "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce." 

Quality Of Life

During a recent Seminar, the Speaker asked, “Why do women live Better, Longer and more Peaceful Lives; as compared to their men counterpart?”

A seemingly very INTELLIGENT man replied, “Women don't have wives!”

Acting Marriage

A man and a woman who have never met before found themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both managed to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leaned over and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leaned out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married." And the woman giggles and said, "Why not?” The man then replied, "Good. Get your own blanket." 

Go Check It Out

When five doctors, a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist; went on a duck hunt, a while a bird came winging overhead. The GP raised his shotgun but didn’t shoot because he wasn’t sure if it was a duck or not. The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn’t shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, “I know that’s a duck, but does the duck know it’s a duck?” The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”

How To Test Her Hearing Loss

While getting a checkup, a man told his doctor that he thinks his wife was losing her hearing. The doctor said, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say, “Honey? Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds." Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.

About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asked, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?” And the man replied, "Yes, I did." And the doctor asked, "How close did you get before she answered?" And the man said, "Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said, "For the FIFTH TIME, WHAT???"

The Scary Word

A man was recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appeared and asked him how he was feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "Oops!"

Uncanny Procedures

When a man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had, he replied, "I got shingles." The receptionist said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles." So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room." And when half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles." She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere.” The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

When A Miracle Doctor Came To Town

One day, a new miracle doctor who claims he could cure anything and anybody, came to town. And everyone was amazed, everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch, who went to this 'miracle doctor', to prove that he wasn't, anybody special. So he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43." And Mr. Smith wondered, “Jar number 43?” So the doctor brought the jar and told Mr. Smith to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spat it out and yelled, "This is gross!" And the doctor said, "I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith."

So Mr. Smith went home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith went back to the doctor along with a new problem and said, "Doc, I can't remember!" Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little and told Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..." Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

The Cross Examination

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." And the lawyer asked, "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" The doctor replied, "No I did not." And with a mischievous grin, the lawyer said, "So, when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." Then the doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

A Second Opinion Did It

John went to a psychiatrist and said, “Doc, I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!” And the psychiatrist said, “Just put yourself in my hands for two years. Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.” John asked, “How much do you charge?” And the psychiatrist replied, “A hundred dollars per visit.” John said, “I’ll think about it.”

John never went back. Sometime later when he met the doctor on the street, and the psychiatrist asked, “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” John said, “For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.” The psychiatrist said, “Is that so? How did he do it?” And John replied, “He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

My Brother Named My Twins

When a pregnant woman was involved in a car accident, she fell into a deep coma. After being asleep for nearly six months, she woke up and observed that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby. And the doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy, and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thought to herself, "Oh no, not my brother. He's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" The doctor said, "Denise." The new mother thought, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asked the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" And the doctor replied, “DeNephew.”

At The Mental Hospital

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

At The Dentist

When an old lady went to visit her dentist, and when it was her turn, and was ushered into the examination room, she quickly sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist, with a strange look on his face said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.” And the old lady just smiled and said, “I know. I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”

The Inheritance

John walked into work one morning, and saw his coworker looking particularly sour. “Hey what’s wrong buddy?” His friend looked up with a forlorn expression on his face, and asked, “You remember last month how my Grandmother’s sister passed on and left me $2,000?” John replied, “Yes, I do remember.” And the coworker continued, “And you remember how the month before that her brother passed on and left me $5,000?” And John just said, “Uh huh.” Then the coworker said, “Well this month is almost over, and NOTHING!”

The Friendly Politician

As a popular local politician, I always try to help out whenever I can. So that’s how it came to be that when a fellow came up to me in a hotel lobby the other day and asked me for a small favour I was more than happy to oblige. “Hi,” said the fellow, introducing himself as Bob Smith. “I’m having a very important business meeting in a few minutes, and it’s very important that I impress them. If you can just come over during our meeting and say hello, I would be forever indebted to you!”

So that’s how a few minutes later, I found myself walking over to the fellow with a big smile on my face, I said, “Hi Bob!” I barely got the words out of my mouth when Bob looked up with an annoyed expression, “Don’t bother me now Chris. Can’t you see I’m in the middle of an important meeting?”

Uncanny Way To Tie A Tie

On the day of my big job interview, I woke up late. And as I frantically threw on a suit, I exclaimed, “Oh no, my tie!” You see, my Dad was out of town and wasn’t there to help me, and for the life of me I did not know how to tie a tie. So I grabbed a tie and ran out the door. “Excuse me sir,” I said to the crossing guard, “I have an important job interview. Can you please help me make this tie?” The guard replied, “Sure. Just lie down on this bench.”

Well, if someone was going to help me, I wasn’t going to ask any questions. After he finished and the tie looked good, I just had to ask why I had to lie down. He replied, “Well, in my previous job I learned how to tie ties on other people when they were lying down.” And when I incredulously asked, “What was your previous job?” He simply replied, “I ran a morgue.”

And The Drunkard Prayed

Right before going to sleep one night, Thomas the town drunkard was at his wit’s end, when it finally donned on him that he had no money to buy even the barest necessities for his family. So, with an emotion laden voice, he prayed. “Dear Father and Mother God, please, all I’m asking for is some food to put on the table, NOTHING else! The booze I’ll buy myself.”

What Do You Have On?

A busty lady with a low-neck sleeveless dress walked into a bar and sat next to a guy. After a while, when the lady realized that the guy had his gaze blessedly fixed on her cleavage, she exclaimed, “My! You sure smell great! What do you have on?” Though startled, the guy quickly composed himself and replied, “I have a hard-on. But I didn’t know you could smell it.”

Worst Job

As I walked into the restroom, I heard the toothbrush say to the toilet roll, “Sometimes I feel that I have the worst job in the world.” And the toilet roll asked, “Yea, right. Wish to try mine?”

The High Salary

At a job interview, the Human Resources Director asked the applicant, “Why are you asking for such a high salary, when you have no experience in this field?” The applicant responded, “Well, the job is so much harder, when you don’t know what you’re doing.”

How To Deal With Your Mother-in-law

A wife, tiring of trying to cope with an interfering Mother-in-law, wrote, “Dear Mother-in-law, I don’t need you to teach me how to handle my children. I’m living with one of yours, and he needs a lot of improvement.”

Belief In Life After Death

When one morning, the boss asked one of his new employees, “Do you believe in life after death?” The new recruit responded, “Yes, Sir. And the bible is quite clear on that.”

The boss continued, “Well, then, that makes everything just fine. After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she dropped in to see you.”

Bed Ridden

While acquainting himself with a new elderly patient, the asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."

A Cowboy Named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" Bud replied, "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government." And the yuppie exclaimed, "Wow! That's correct. But how did you guess that?" The cowboy then answered, "No guessing required. You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars-worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts club. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance. When one of them approached the colonel for conversation, she said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?" The colonel responded, "No, just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax, and enjoy yourself." The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?" And the colonel looked at her and replied, "1955." Then she said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously.  I mean no sex since 1955. Isn't that a little extreme?" The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"

Rigorous Exercise For The Over 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Friends For Life!

In this world things come and go.

With life's twists and turns it's hard to determine what the future may hold.

The only real guarantee is nothing stays the same, and least when we expect it our lives are changed.

If by some chance, we happen to lose touch, please know that I'll be thinking of you and missing you very much.

So before today ends, I want to say I'm thankful that we're friends, yesterday and today.

With time and good fortune on our side, I hope that we see forever and stay ….

Friends For Life!

Have a blessed, healthful and love-filled weekend.

At The Barbershop

When two elderly gentlemen were both just getting finished with their shaves, and the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces, one of the gentlemen shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The other gentleman turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

When A Widow Insisted

A widow took a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral, and to her horror, found that he was in his brown suit. She'd specifically told to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose.

The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.” Then the lady asked, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into his blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happened that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads."

Our Daily Prayer

Dear Papa God,

While we appreciate and thank You for our, “Ongoing Changes,” we pray for a, “Complete and total eradication of any form of Governance that screws the Working Class, ignores the Masses and don’t give a damn about the Future. And grant them, Shamefulness.

And just as You did in the beginning, please un-speak the word; and we shall be rid of Corruption in all its ramifications. In all your sons’ and daughters’ names, we pray.

Amen

The Undomesticated Bride

One day, Tunde  told his beautiful new bride, “Honey, I would like fruit salad for dinner tonight.” Later in the evening when Tunde brought a friend home, they were surprised when a naked bride came to serve the fruit salad. In shock, the husband exclaimed, “Oh my God! What on earth are you doing without your clothes?” She responded, “But the recipe said to serve without dressing.”

The New Human Resources Director

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new Human Resources Director. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. When on a tour of the facilities, the HRD noticed a guy leaning on a wall in a room full of workers he thought it was his chance to show everyone he meant business.

The HRD walked up to the guy and asked, "And how much money do you make per week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $200.00 a week. Why do you ask?" The HRD then handed the guy $200 in cash and screamed, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the HRD looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker does here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers muttered, "He's the pizza delivery guy."

Can’t You Stand Still?

During camouflage training in the forest, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

The solder then apologetically responded, "Yes sir. But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger one, say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter,” that did it.

Reacting To Being Dumped?

A guy who travelled overseas, in search of the proverbial golden fleece, was annoyed and very upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note that read, "I regret that I can’t remember which one is yours. Please keep your photo and return the others."

Who Can You Trust?

When all the good knights were leaving for the Crusades, one knight told his best friend, "My bride is without a doubt, one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The Company of knights was only a mile or so out of town, when they noticed a cloud of dust coming after them. Thinking it might be an important message from the town, the column halted. The approaching horseman was the knight's best friend, and he yelled "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

Such Is Life

While Good days give you HAPPINESS, BAD days give you EXPERIENCES.

While SUCCESS keeps you GLOWING, FAILURES keep you HUMBLE.

But only your FAITH, will keep you GOING.