Tuesday 31 January 2017

From A Seenager’s Corner _ Let Us Walk The Walk _ Part One

Fellow members, now that we have Talked the Talk, here comes the time to Walk the Walk. We can’t start to Walk the Walk, until we have removed the logs in our eyes, that we may see clearly to remove the specks in our neighbours’ eyes. And these logs are our Greed, Corruption, Shamelessness and Heartlessness. Like my brother Solomon said, “There is nothing new under the sun; it is only old things happening to new people.” The beauty of our situation lies in the fact that we have all the funds with which to revamp our economy. And it is sitting all around us. All we need is the balls to gather the funds, and judiciously use same to revamp our economy. So fellow members, it is no use continuing to deny how religiously ignorant we are, how corrupt we have been or how much we have looted and carted away; because all these have been facilitated by some unfortunate employees, friends and or relatives.
Over the years, we have all had that the unfortunate sober moments when you go to receive a friend/relative/colleague who have earlier joyfully flown abroad in first class, but now being delivered to you as cargo. And the other moments before a coffin is covered, when you look at the corpse and don’t see it wearing that one-in-town expensive wedding ring, the diamond rimmed gold wrist watch and ostrich leather shoes. And suddenly, you remember that neither you nor members of his or her family know some of his or her bank accounts. Though you have always mouthed the fact naked you were born, and you can’t take anything with you; you realize how much you have failed to live it.

So now that we have seen, done and enjoyed it all, here comes the time to kill and bury our Greed, Corruption, Shamelessness and heartlessness that we may be born in Contentment. Let us appreciate that it will be better for us to clean up ourselves, rather than allow others to come and forcefully clean us up. We know that our salaries and allowances don’t make sense in any sane economy. So let’s review our salaries and allowances, stop receiving pensions while being gainfully employed and refund all stolen and looted funds, and their products in property and cash, both at home and abroad. Why should we receive extra pay for serving pay for serving on certain committees, when we are still working within our same 24 hour day? When all these changes would have been done, we shall then have the moral justification to start cleaning up the society, and proudly welcome The Change We Need. In Part Two we shall say, “Now, put your money where your mouth is.”

Monday 30 January 2017

From A Seenager’s Corner

Welcome to, “From A Seenager’s Corner,” my new Talk Shop Column that will focus mainly on Life, Honesty, Anti-Corruption, Governance, Religiosity, Change, The Change we need, The Change we must have, Our Roots and Our Comic Lives. For the benefit of my first time readers, I am Dr. Charles Evi Parker (PhD, Metaphysics). And according to my age, a Seenager; that is Senior Teenager. And a blessed one too. I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later. I don't have to go to school. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. I have ID that gets me into everywhere. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren’t scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared? And I don't have acne. 

Life is good! Also, I feel much more intelligent after reading that, “Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains. Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear. Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.” And I now eat slower, chew longer that my food may receive enough saliva, before being received by my body.  And when I keep repeating myself or digressing, it is not because of want of what to say or forgetfulness, but because there is so much information to be sorted.

And to kick start this column, I have the pleasure to reproduce my broadcast of May 25, 2015.

Nigeria Has No Business, With Indebtedness

Ladies and gentlemen, I have the pleasure and honour to welcome us to our Administration of Change. Ever since our people decided to give us the opportunity to effect Change in their lives, we have been receiving lots and lots of congratulatory and condolence messages. Congratulatory, because we have been lucky to be so honoured. Condolences, because they feel, and rightfully too, that we are taking over a Nation in deep crises; as if we didn’t know that.

They say, “We are being handed a distressed country without electricity and fuel, where workers are on strike, billions are owed to states and federal workers, 60 billion dollars are owed in national debt and the economy is virtually grounded.” As if we don’t know that. They say, “States and federal government workers are being owed, some 300 billion Naira and 400 billion Naira in salaries, respectively.” As if we don’t know that.

And I say, “We have no problems. We shall neither beg, nor borrow. How can we have any problems, when we have all the money that we will ever need to fix these problems, sitting all around us?  No one needs to be a Rocket Scientist to know that whatever we claim to own, both in properties and finance, don’t genuinely belong to us. To be able to effect the promised change, we must first and foremost, clean up this filthy stable of ours. We must stop playing the ostrich, and refund all that we didn’t deserve. When we have removed the log in our eyes, we shall then see clearly to remove the speck in our neighbours’ eyes. We shall be transparent, and play by the book.”

Though we know, that they know, that we know that whatever they claim to own don’t genuinely belong to them, we shall still enact a “Law Of Accountability/Proof Of Ownership,” among others.

1.       Every property shall be titled, and the owner shall account for it’s acquisition, with relevant tax payments.
2.       All properties that have been acquired with looted funds shall be confiscated.
3.       All monies in commercial banks and the central bank shall be identified, and if found to be looted funds, shall be confiscated otherwise, shall be taxed accordingly.
4.       All foreign account holders with looted funds shall be given an option to voluntarily refund such funds, or be arrested and detained till such funds have been repatriated.
5.       Anyone claiming a property which is suspected to have been acquired with looted funds, shall forfeit same, or be charged for receiving stolen property.
6.       No executive shall receive his or her salary/allowance, until the least paid worker has been paid.

So ladies and gentlemen, may we have the courage to say, “No to Greed, and Yes to Contentment,” that we may move this Nation to great heights.

Sunday 29 January 2017

When To Take Action

There shall be no better time to take action than,
“When you see that in order to produce, you need to obtain permission from those who produce nothing.”
“When you see that money is flowing to those who deal, not in goods, but in favours.”
“When you see that men get richer by graft and by pull than by work, and your laws don’t protect you against them, but protect them against you.”
“When you see corruption being rewarded and honesty becoming self-sacrifice, you may know that your nation is doomed; and you must stand up and take action, because they will never help you.”

From tomorrow, my broadcasts shall focus mainly on Change, the change we need, the change we must have, our roots and our comic lives. And I shall joyfully be sharing some experiences of most Seenagers.

Saturday 28 January 2017

Her Uncanny Testimony

When it was testimony time during one Sunday service, the pastor asked, “May we have some testimonies, why you stopped drinking alcohol?" A lady in the middle row stood up and said, “I had to stop drinking alcohol because of my legs.” And when the pastor asked, “Why, do they swell so much you couldn’t walk to Jesus?” The lady promptly replied, “Oh no! They open too quickly!!”

Friday 27 January 2017

Some Random Facts_5

1.       Dildo is a town on the island of Newfoundland, Canada.
2.       Despite weighing up to 750 kg (1653 lb), the colossal squid only requires around 30 grams (1.1 oz) of food a day.
3.       Before 1917, members of the British Royal Family had no surname, but only the name of the house or dynasty to which they belonged.
4.       An Air India ground crew member died after he was sucked into the engine of a parked plane preparing for departure at Mumbai airport in 2015.
5.       The Who, the rock band, was originally called The High Numbers.
6.       Mitsubishi had to change the name of its Pajero model in Spanish-speaking countries, where it means “Wanker.”
7.       Scientists believe there is a ninth planet in our solar system that is roughly 10 times larger than Earth. They haven’t been able to locate it yet but they know it’s there because of its gravitational effects on other objects.
8.       90% of rural Australians say their lives are already affected by climate change.
9.       Shark attacks are more common in Florida than voter fraud.
10.   Singer Demi Lovato pursued her education through home-schooling, after being a victim of bullying.
11.   Mexico is the United States' third-largest trade partner, accounting for $1.5 billion in bilateral trade across its border on any given day.
12.   Singer Tina Turner tried to commit suicide by swallowing 50 Valiums.
13.   Jennifer Lopez was the first one to have her movie and her album reach no.1 in the same week.
14.   The Stegodyphus lineatus desert spider feeds her babies by vomiting up her own guts.
15.   Chimpanzees fart so loudly and frequently that scientists locate them in forest occasionally by following the farts.
16.   40% of corn is used for ethanol to add to fuel. Another 40% is used for livestock feed.

Thursday 26 January 2017

How To Stop The Spread Of Anger

While a man was working and his boss started shouting at him, it made him weak and useless. And when the man got home, he immediately shouted at his wife, accusing her of spending too much money. This made her feel small and helpless. So she shouted at their son for breaking a plate. It made the child feel clumsy and stupid. So the child shouted at the dog and kicked it. The dog felt hurt and frightened. So the dog ran outside and bit a woman on the street. The woman was shocked and in pain. And when she went to the hospital to treat the bite, and shouted at the doctor because the treatment hurt, the doctor felt frustrated and unappreciated.

And when the doctor went home and shouted at his mother for not having dinner ready, his mother stayed calm. She stroked his hair and said, “Tomorrow I will cook your favorite meal. You work so hard, and you’re very tired. I’ll go put fresh sheets on your bed so you can have a good night’s sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning,” She kissed him on the cheek and left him alone to rest. And so the circle of anger was broken with patience, forgiveness, and love. It’s so important not to spread anger. If you find yourself caught up in a circle of anger, remember you can break it; if you are patient, you are willing to forgive, and you are full of love.

Wednesday 25 January 2017

Creating Awareness

When a young lady returned from a date with her boyfriend, she went straight to her father and said, “Dad, there is something my boyfriend said to me that I didn’t understand.” And the father asked, “What could that be, my baby girl?” So the daughter told him, “He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.”

Immediately and sternly too, her father warned, “Tell your boyfriend that if he ever opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe.”

“And that is the way to go. Always keep an open line of communication with your children.”

Tuesday 24 January 2017

Everything Happens For A Reason

When a husband decided to end his marriage, he wrote.

Dear Wife,

I’m writing this letter to you to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want to have sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your ex-husband

P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

And the wife replied.

Dear ex-husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you have been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, ‘You look just like a girl.’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers, I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote assures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell And Free.

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

Sunday 22 January 2017

The Mosquito Lesson

When a young mosquito returned from its first time flying, and its father asked, “How does it feel?” It replied, “It was great! Everyone was clapping for me!!” And the father said, “They weren't clapping for you. They wanted to kill you. The more they clapped the more chances you were likely to die”.

So also it is in life. Be careful who you confide in. Not all the people who celebrate you are your well wishers. So be extra careful, because some of the time, the enemy that will kill you won’t come with a sword, but with a smile or even a kiss; like in the case of Big Brother Jesus. Remember, yes?”

Saturday 21 January 2017

Creating Happiness

A man met, loved and married a beautiful lady, and they were having a healthy marriage, when one day she developed a skin disease. And gradually, she started to lose her beauty but her husband continued to love her. One day, her husband went on a tour, but while returning he had an accident and lost his eyesight. Her lost beauty and his lost sight notwithstanding, they continued to love each other. And they were having a happy life.

But when one day she died, her death brought him great sorrow. After he finished all her last rites and wanted to leave that town, his neighbour said, “Now, how will you be able to walk all alone? All these days your wife used to help you.” And the man replied, “I am not blind. I was acting because if she knew l could see her ugliness it would have pained her more than her disease. So I pretended to be blind. She was a very good wife. I only wanted to keep her happy.”

“Sometimes, it is good for us to act blind and ignore each another's short comings, to create and enjoy happiness.”

Friday 20 January 2017

I Pity This Country

By Omor Bazuaye

A man was found guilty of stealing and was jailed abroad; something we wouldn't have been able to do here even at the height of this regime's much touted anti-corruption campaign. The crook is let off the hook after spending a time of six years behind bars and what do you hear, "Welcome back our hero. Welcome our great leader," and I'm like some folks got pooh in their skulls in place of brain.

A man robs you blind, rendered you and your children and their unborn children to the misery you call life and the best you can come up with is a trashy sense of hero worshipping. I hear the rogue built roads and schools, provided potable water when he served as governor. And I say, “And so what? Did he do those things with his personal money? In any case what was he supposed to do? Was he not just doing his job as mandated by law?” In other climes, Ibori would quietly sneak into the country, sober and remorseful, too ashamed of himself but here what do you get, people shamelessly celebrating and rooting for him to return and I ask, “To do what? Return to continue looting from where he left off.”

The other day, Singapore executed a young Nigerian for peddling drugs. His lifeless body was couriered back to us and what did I see? His shameless community, family and friends threw an elaborate funeral celebrating the "heroics" of a wayward 32 year old sent to his early grave because of sheer greed. I know a few idiots would want to still justify this act and in their cooked brain blame it on an unsupportive social system back home. What's wrong with us as a people? We lie, cheat, cut corners, pervert justice, murder and kill without recourse to law and still make a case for it. We've gotten so rotten, we can't even tell and admit the truth to ourselves, and the case of the "Thief from Delta is another classic reminder of how deep we've sunk."

Best Feeling

The best feeling is, when you finally realize that you are perfectly happy without the people that you thought you needed most. People may not always tell you what they really feel about you, but their actions will speak for themselves, if you pay attention. So, learn to keep to yourself whatever brings you happiness and joy; because not everyone who tells you good morning really wishes you good morning in life. Be careful how you share your stories and aspirations, because not everybody likes, or may like your glory.


So while you give, never allow yourself to be used. While you love, never allow your heart to be abused. And while you trust, don’t be naïve. It is good to listen to others, but never ever mortgage your own sense of reasoning and your voice. And above all, never chase people. Always be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard; the right people, the ones who really belong in your life will come and they will stay.

Wednesday 18 January 2017

His Last Bill

When Solomon walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bar man, "Please give me Three Thousand Naira Isiewu with one Big Stout, and give everyone the same, because when I eat and drink, I want everyone to eat and drink," all the patrons were delighted. The bar man processed his request and gave him his meal and drink, and everyone else theirs.
 
When they had finished enjoying their meals and drinks, Solomon shouted another order, "Give me a bottle of brandy, and give everybody else same, because when I drink I want everybody to drink." Once more, everyone was happy and singing, "He is the man." And when Solomon finished his drink, he shouted again, "Give me my bill and give everyone else their own bills, because when I pay for my meals and drinks, I want everyone else to pay for theirs." His burial comes up next Saturday.

How To Make The Best Of You

1.       Don’t sit around waiting for things to happen.
2.       Get out of the house.
3.       Make a change.
4.       Smile as much as possible.
5.       Get excited.
6.       Try new things.
7.       Declutter your life.
8.       Unfollow negative people.
9.       Get a good sleep every night.
10.   Don’t listen to gossips.
11.   Stand up for what you believe in.
12.   Do things that challenge you.
13.   Be fierce.
14.   Be brave.
15.   Be grateful
And good things will come your way.

Monday 16 January 2017

Our Re-enslavement

We are currently experiencing another form of slavery through Pentecostalism. We have now become really mentally lazy and more gullible, to the extent that our ability to reason either rationally or scientifically has been totally eroded. Our new Slave Masters, otherwise known as our Pentecostal Pastors won’t talk about Usain Bolt or Serena Williams. They won’t talk about Steve Jobs or the young people in Silicon Valley reshaping our world. They won’t talk about young American scientists spending endless hours in search of a cure to a disease that’s predominantly in the Tropical African Region. They won’t talk about Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie or Ben Okri.
 
In every corner of the world, there exist young men and women who have defied all odds and become successful through hard work, creativity and dedication; but our Pentecostal Pastors won’t talk about them, neither will they ask their members to emulate these individuals. They would rather talk about sister Agatha who got a job she wasn’t the most qualified for, because she prayed and fasted in line with their church program, or brother John becoming a millionaire because he used all his salary as seed in the church, or Papa Miracle who he laid his hands upon and 3 of his children got admission into the university, or Mama Esther who paid her tithe and her business started booming everywhere across the nation even without any business plan.
 
 These have led to a new breed of mentally lazy and highly gullible people, who have been made to believe hook line and sinker, that our unchanging God has changed, and now rewards mediocre and praise singers. Members and the numerous salvation seekers have been so brainwashed into believing that their pastors all have direct communication links with God; and that the end now justifies the means. So they now steal, loot and even kidnap, that they may be able to sow bigger seeds in their churches. They say you have to be a believer, and believers are forbidden to use their brains.”Welcome to our new enslavement.”

Sunday 15 January 2017

How To Take Advantage Of Adversity

Shakespeare said, “Sweet are the uses of adversity which, like the toad, ugly and venomous, wears yet a precious jewel in his head.”Adversity’s precious jewel is cut by the chisels of confidence and competence, forged in a process of confronting and overcoming difficulties.

And Nietzsche said, “What does not destroy me makes me stronger.”
 
While the road to achievement and fulfillment is dotted with hazards and tragedies that can hurt us, frighten us, and slow us down, its afflictions and misfortunes can stop us only if we surrender. If we exercise courage, patience, and perseverance, we can overcome any adversity, bearing pains we cannot relieve and solving problems we cannot avoid.

Saturday 14 January 2017

A Witch Doctor’s Dilemma

When a neighbour’s critical illness took a nose dive last night, I decided to play the Good Samaritan by inviting a popular witch doctor to the rescue. After the witch doctor had done his thing, he said, “This is a very serious case that can’t be cured, but the illness can be transferred to another person; who will die in the neighbour’s place.” And the neighbour accepted. So the witch doctor worked on him and before leaving instructed, “It is done. As I leave, if anyone opens the door you must say tchaa. And your illness will be transferred to that person, who will go home and die in your place.”
 After the witch doctor had left, and while the neighbour was impatiently waiting for the first unlucky person to open the door so as to say 'tchaa', and transfer his terminal illness and be cured, the witch doctor suddenly remembered that he had forgotten to collect his fees. Though he realized the attendant danger, he still decided to take a chance and go for his fees. As soon as he opened the door, the neighbour said, 'tchaa', and the witch doctor replied with 'retchaa'. And the neighbour said 'reretchaa', and the witch doctor replied with 'rereretchaa'. And as of this morning, the neighbourhood is being entertained with the exchange of ‘rererererereretchaa'.

Friday 13 January 2017

Our Daily Devotion

Dear Father and Mother God, as we thankfully receive this precious privilege to wake up again and be alive, grant us the ability to appreciate that each moment of our lives, is a picture we have never seen before, and will never see again. May we begin this day and each day with a smile, calmness of mind, love and a heart filled with gratitude to our Creators. May we be protected, sealed and freed from all harm and danger.

Wednesday 11 January 2017

Our Ludicrous Followership

Tuesday 10 January 2017

Our Daily Devotion

Saturday 7 January 2017

I Am A Blessed Seenager

According to my age, I am a Seenager; that is Senior Teenager. And a blessed one too. I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later. I don't have to go to school. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. I have ID that gets me into everywhere. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren’t scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared? And I don't have acne. 
 
Life is good! Also, I feel much more intelligent after reading that, “Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains. Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear. Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.”
 
And I now eat slower, chew longer that my food may receive enough saliva, before being received by my body.  And I know I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too.
 

Friday 6 January 2017

Life Is All About Happiness – Part Four

Welcome to the concluding part of our discussion of, “Life Is All About Happiness.” Life is all about how you decide to react to the circumstances and events that happen in your life, and your ability to appreciate that hard times are just, test and character builders; so never lose your spirit because it is usually in your greatest challenges that your greatest strength is formed. That is when your character shines right after the storm, to show who you have become through all of life’s challenges. What you make and accumulate will never be a match for who you have become and how much happiness you bring to yourself and this world. Never ever forget that. Always appreciate that you are a miracle, life is a miracle, this world is a blessing and life is really what you make it. So live every day like you are blessed, grateful to simply be alive, and be happy no matter what happens and life will be the amazing adventure it was meant to be.
 
And in conclusion, always apply the art of, “Walking Away.” Walk away from any thoughts that may reduce your worth. Walk Away from failures and fears that stifle your dreams. Walk Away from the people who do not care for you and who are opportunistic. The more you walk away from things that poison your soul, the happier your life will be. Give yourself a walk, and walk towards love, peace, kindness and goodness. May we be granted the ability to walk in truth and spirit, in glorification of our Creators.

Wednesday 4 January 2017

Life Is All About Happiness – Part Three

Welcome back to our discussion of, “Life Is All About Happiness.” Many a time, we lose the ability to understand our situations, because we a preoccupied with being right; and considering that being right is a relative term that may not stand the test of some new evidence, we end up not being kind. So if you have a choice to be right or to be kind, please choose kindness, choose love. Though it is easier noticing the negatives, life is all about creating such huge positives, that the negatives pale in comparison. Life is not all about you, but about everyone and everything; because we are all connected and sharing our challenges and struggles. So be kind, lift others up, give freely without expecting anything in return, and the world will return happiness and abundance beyond your wildest dreams.
 
They say, “Money talks, bullshit walks.” But life isn’t all about money. You can’t take it with you, so don’t stress about it. But before you say, “It is easier said than done,” I wish to quickly state, “This doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve money or shouldn’t have it. You can legally and morally create unlimited abundance and use same to do good for others and yourself, and you do deserve it. Just don’t stress about it.” Money is great, but only when used with positive intentions. Live your own life, and within your own limits. Don’t compare yourself to others, and let everyone else be exactly as they are while you focus on being the best you. Appreciate that, your life is neither defined by circumstances nor what does or does not happen to you, but by how you react to what happens to you. See you in Part Four.

Tuesday 3 January 2017

Life Is All About Happiness – Part Two

Monday 2 January 2017

Life Is All About Happiness – Part One