How Not To Hire A Detective

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

MOST HONORABLE SIR:

YOU LEAVE HOUSE

I WATCH HOUSE

HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.

HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.

HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.

I LOOK IN WINDOW.

HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.

HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.

HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.

I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OUT OF TREE. I NOT SEE.

NO FEE,

CHEN LEE.

A Weird Mother

Once upon a time, a lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out, it was dark and had an afro. So the doctor asked, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?" The lady replied, "Well, yes, but only once." And the doctor said, "Once is all it takes."

When the torso appeared and it was yellow, the doctor asked, "Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?" The lady replied, "Well, yes, but only once." Again the doctor said, "Once is all it takes." And when the legs came out and they were red, the doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian. With the lady’s usual reply of, "Well, yes, but only once," the doctor again said, "Once is all it takes."

And finally when the doctor had pulled the baby all the way out, held it upside down, and slapped its bottom to make it cry and it started to cry, the woman exclaimed, "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"

A Weird Therapy

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (Pointing, to the bowl) "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I haven't had a cold all winter."

Why Did They Want The Frog Sound?

 While three little boys were spending the weekend with their Grandparents, the oldest came out and asked his Grandpa, “Grand pappy, can you make a sound like a frog?” Unfortunately, Grandpa being in a kind of ill mood, responded, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now." So, the second little boy came out and asked, "Grandpa, will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again said, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Later, may be.”

Then the third little boy came out and pleaded, "Oh please, Grandpa. Please, please make a sound like a frog." And Grandpa asked, "Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" With a hopeful face, the little boy replied, "Well, Mom said that when you croak, we get to go to Disney World!"

Why Can’t You Post The Ten Commandments In A Courthouse?

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is,

You cannot post,

 "Thou Shalt Not Steal."

"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery."

"Thou Shalt Not Lie."

In a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians; it will create a hostile work environment.

After His Farm Tour

When little Joseph went to spend weekend with his Grandparents, his Granddad proudly took him on a tour of their farm. At the corals, little Joseph asked, “Grandpa, what are they doing?” Grandpa explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on when they saw horses, Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."

Later that night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace has been said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?" Exasperatedly, little Joseph jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

Her Most Legal Evil Thing

After the checkout clerk had finished folding a lady’s purchases, she asked, “What shall it be? Cash, Check or Charge?" As the lady fumbled for her wallet, the clerk noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. And curiously, she asked, "So, do you always carry your TV remote?"

Smiling mischievously, the lady replied, "Oh no! But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

Request For Charity

When a lady received a call from a Charity, asking her to donate some of her clothes to the starving people throughout the world, she responded, “Buzz off! Anybody who will fit into my clothes isn't starving!”

They Deduct From God

A little boy who wanted $100.00 very badly, and had prayed for weeks, but nothing happened, decided to write God a letter requesting for the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down and wrote a thank-you note to God, “Dear God, thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC. Do you know those bureaucrats deducted $95.00 in taxes?”

Who Is Dumber?

When three drinking-friends were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were, the first guy said, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge, big enough to keep it in!" The second guy agreed that sounded pretty thick, but said his wife was thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $27,000 on a new car, and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third guy nodded sagely, and agreed that though these two women sounded real stupid, he still thinks his wife was dumber. He then chuckled and said, "Guys, I have to laugh when I think about it. Last week my wife left for a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least 5 boxes of condoms with her, and she doesn't even have a penis!" 

Stay Out Of Their Dorms

While addressing the students on the first day of college, the Dean pointed out some of the rules. He said, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

Making Every Occasion, Count

While celebrating their 50 years of living together, a couple had their three children, join them for a Sunday dinner. As the proud parents settled down with their very successful children to dinner, the first son who is a surgeon, said, "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad. I'm sorry I didn't have time to get you a gift, because I was running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient. You know how it is." And the father said, "Not to worry, son. The important thing is that we're all together today."

Then the second son, who is a lawyer, announced, "You and Mom look great Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." Again the father said, “It's nothing. We're glad you were able to come." Then their daughter, who is a marketing executive announced, "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married." The three children gasped, and chorused, "What! You mean we're bastards?" And the father replied, "Yep, and cheap ones too!"

Customer Complaints

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?" And the man replied, "Oh, no! I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

Stare At Boobs To Live Longer

Stare at women's breasts for 10 minutes a day and increase your life span by five years, that's the conclusion of a new study. According to a German research published in the New England Journal of Medicine, men who stare at women's breasts for 10 minutes a day live five years longer.

The study claims that 10 minutes of ogling is equivalent to a 30-minute gym workout. The finding has been made after an assessment of 200 men over a period of five years, reports Sin Chew Daily and China Press. The men who stare at women's breasts have lower blood pressure, suffer less cardiovascular disease and have slower heartbeat, the Star Online reports.

Gerontologist Dr Karen Weatherby explains that sexual desire leads to better blood circulation meaning improved health.

Uncanny Sentiment

When a highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix, the doctors immediately operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hairs were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off. And written in large red letters across the tape was the sentence, “Get well quick..... From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”

When The Pill Worked

John had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. One day, his boss was so mad at him, that he threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So John went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. John slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!" And the boss said, "That's all fine. But where were you yesterday?"

Scrabble Time

What will you get, when you rearrange the following?

1.       DIRTY ROOM

2.       BEST IN PRAYER

3.       A ROPE ENDS IT

4.       HE BUGS GORE

5.       HERE COME DOTS

6.       CASH LOST IN ME

7.       IS NO AMITY

8.       WOMAN HITLER

9.       ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

10.   I'M A DOT IN PLACE

11.   THAT QUEER SHAKE

12.   TWELVE PLUS ONE

13.   TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Answers:

1.       DIRTY ROOM = DORMITORY

2.       BEST IN PRAYER = PRESBYTERIAN

3.       A ROPE ENDS IT = DESPERATION

4.       HE BUGS GORE = GEORGE BUSH

5.       HERE COME DOTS = THE MORSE CODE

6.       CASH LOST IN ME = SLOT MACHINES

7.       IS NO AMITY = ANIMOSITY

8.       WOMAN HITLER = MOTHER-IN-LAW

9.       ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S = SNOOZE ALARMS

10.   I'M A DOT IN PLACE = A DECIMAL POINT

11.   THAT QUEER SHAKE = THE EARTHQUAKES

12.   TWELVE PLUS ONE = ELEVEN PLUS TWO

13.   TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS = PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA

The Bishop’s New Bell Ringer

After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skill, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The Bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" But the man responded, "No matter, observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike a bell, he tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned Bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before, had gathered around the fallen figure. And as they silently parted, to let the Bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

The Bishop sadly replied, "I don't know his name. BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL."

Old-Age Wisdom

As the crowded airliner was about to take off, the peace was shattered by a five-year-old boy who picked that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother did to try to calm him down, the boy continued to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General was seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General knelt down and, motioning toward his chest, whispered something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calmed down, gently took his mother's hand, and quietly fastened his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly made his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touched his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asked quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiled serenely and gently confided, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitled me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

The Worms Experiment

When a professor of chemistry wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. While putting a worm into the glass of water he said. "Now, class, closely observe the worms." The worm in the glass of water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the glass of whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

Then the professor asked, "Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" From the back of the class, Thomas raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Lesson, From A Farmer

When a newspaper reporter interviewed a farmer who grew award-winning corn each year he entered his corn in the state fair, it was revealed that the farmer shared his seed corn with his neighbours. Perplexed, the reporter asked, “How can you afford to share your best seed corn with your neighbours when they are entering their corn in competition with yours each year?” The farmer smiled knowingly and explained, “The wind picks up pollen from the ripening corn and swirls it from field to field. If my neighbours grow inferior corn, cross-pollination will steadily degrade the quality of my corn. If I am to grow good corn, I must help my neighbours grow good corn.”

So it is with our lives. Those who want to live meaningfully and well must help enrich the lives of others. For the value of a life, is measured by the lives it touches. And those who choose to be happy must help others find happiness, for the welfare of each is bound up with the welfare of all. Call it power of collectivity. Call it a principle of success. Call it a law of life. The fact remains, “None of us truly wins, until we all win.” In life, when you help the people around you to be good, you will naturally become the Best.

Quiz Of The Week

If all call-girls seek men to pay their bills, and some ladies seek men to also pay their bills; which one are you?

Thought For Today

When you feel you are the best thing to happen to your spouse, but your spouse does not think so; it’s either your spouse lacks qualitative appreciation, or you have an exaggerated opinion of yourself.

What Is The Price Of Happiness?

Sigmund Freud once said, “Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.” Often times, most people blame others for what they may be going through; without a thought for the expectations of the others, being blamed. Just as you claim to have a right to expect others to behave in a certain way towards you, so also do they have the right to respond in their individual ways according to their individual convictions; why should you take that away from them?

While one School of thought believes, there is a supreme being who determines how and where you are born, another School of thought believe, you determine how and where you are born. Either way, the deed is done. So take responsibility for your life, because your happiness depends on your self-reliance. Learn to respect and appreciate the individuality of others, as you wish they do yours. Instead of brooding over your supposedly wrong choice of birth, career or spouse, turn your wounds and worries into wisdom. For everything that you’ve experienced, will give you the upper hand in dealing with everything you may be experiencing, and or yet to experience.

The Overzealous Maid

The other day when I went to visit one of my rich family friends, I had more than I could handle from their overzealous maid. As soon as I arrived, she approached and the following ensued.

The Maid: What would you like to have? Fruit juice, Yoghurt, Tea, Chocolate, Cappuccino, Frappuccino or Coffee?

Me: Tea please.

The Maid: Will that be Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea, Jericho gold tea, Bush tea or Green tea?

Me: Ceylon tea please.

The Maid: How do you want it, Black, or White?

Me: White, please.

The Maid: With milk or fresh Cream?

Me: With milk.

The Maid: Goat milk or Cow milk?

Me: Cow milk, will be fine.

The Maid: Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?

Me: Hum, let me go with the freeze land cow.

The Maid: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?

Me: Sugar.

The Maid: Bee sugar or Cane sugar?

Me: Cane sugar

The Maid: White, brown or yellow sugar?

Me: I beg, forget about the tea and just give me a glass of water.

The Maid: Mineral, Tap or Distilled water?

Me: Mineral water.

The Maid: Flavored or non-flavored?

Me: Intact, just get me an empty glass.

The Maid: Do you want a Tumbler, Wine glass, Champagne flute or Beer mug?

Me: I beg, free me. I don tire. I go swallow my spit.

More Unbelievable Facts

1.       There's a species of fish called "Slippery Dick".

2.       In 2012, a couple invited Queen Elizabeth II to their wedding as a joke, and she turned up.

3.       During the 7th century B.C., ancient Roman "vestal virgins" were required to keep their hymens intact as proof of virginity until age 30 or they would be buried alive.

4.       The world's oldest hotel has been operating since 705 AD.

5.       Lobsters are considered to be the cockroaches of the sea.

6.       Cockroaches appeared 120 million years before the dinosaurs.

7.       A Colombian woman was raised by monkeys after being kidnaped and abandoned in the jungle as a child.

8.       Cotton Candy was invented by a dentist.

9.       In 2011, a monkey was arrested in Pakistan for crossing the border with India.

10.   The Roman Emperor Gaius Caligula made his horse a senator.

11.   Octopuses are eaten alive in Korea.

12.   The night before his execution, a man in Georgia escaped from prison and, later that night, was beaten to death in a bar fight.

13.   Cleopatra, the last Pharaoh of Egypt, was actually Greek, not Egyptian.

14.   Heroin was initially used to treat people addicted to morphine.

15.   As a child, Hitler wanted to be a priest.

16.   All three Grammys Elvis Presley won, were for his gospel songs.

17.   Hitler was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1939.

18.   In the USA, ransom payments to kidnappers are tax-deductible.

19.   Saddam Hussein wrote a Romantic Novel.

20.   The Golden Gate uses the largest bridge cables ever made, long enough to encircle the world more than 3 times at the equator.

A Logical Calculation

In 2006 a study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. And recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on the average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon, yes?

When Are Some Foods, Spoiled?

Egg is spoiled when something starts pecking its way out of the shell; it is probably past its prime. Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese, but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled, or wrecked anyway, by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. Flour is spoiled when it wiggles. Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. Salt never spoils. 

Some Unbelievable Facts

1.       Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate birthdays because the only two accounts of birthday parties in the Bible ended in murder.

2.       In Jamaica, sex between men is punishable with up to 10 years' imprisonment. But lesbian action is allowed

3.       Iran arrested 14 squirrels for spying in 2007.

4.       Two actors have died playing Judas in live Biblical productions by accidentally hanging themselves for real during his death scene.

5.       In Iran, a law from 2013 allows Men to marry their 13-year-old adopted daughters.

6.       The world's biggest family lives together in India: a man with 39 wives and 94 children.

7.       Gandhi never won the Nobel Peace Prize, despite being nominated five times.

8.       The World's oldest known creature, a Mollusc, was 507 years old until scientists killed it by mistake.

9.       Part of the White House was built by slaves.

10.   A British teacher in Sudan was arrested because she allowed her primary school class to name a teddy bear "Muhammad".

11.   In 2013, a man bought a house next to his ex-wife just to install a giant middle finger statue for her to see every day.

12.   In 2009, Nigerian Police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

13.   In 2011, a woman bought a "non-visible" piece of art for $10,000.

14.   In 2013, a girl survived ASIANA's Plane Crash, only to be run over and killed by a responding fire truck.

15.   In 2011, a man killed his wife inside the Walmart she was working at. Rather than close the store, they chose to just rope off the gore-splattered area while police investigated.

16.   Alexander the Great, Napoleon, Mussolini and Hitler, all suffered from ailurophobia, the fear of cats.

17.   Charles Darwin Ate Every Animal He Discovered.

18.   A man received the heart of a suicide victim, married his widow, and years later killed himself on the same way his donor did.

19.   In 2005, A Chinese Company used skin harvested from the corpses of executed convicts to develop beauty products for sale in Europe.