Uncanny Procedures

When a man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had, he replied, "I got shingles." The receptionist said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles." So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room." And when half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles." She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere.” The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

When A Miracle Doctor Came To Town

One day, a new miracle doctor who claims he could cure anything and anybody, came to town. And everyone was amazed, everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch, who went to this 'miracle doctor', to prove that he wasn't, anybody special. So he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43." And Mr. Smith wondered, “Jar number 43?” So the doctor brought the jar and told Mr. Smith to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spat it out and yelled, "This is gross!" And the doctor said, "I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith."

So Mr. Smith went home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith went back to the doctor along with a new problem and said, "Doc, I can't remember!" Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little and told Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..." Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

The Cross Examination

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." And the lawyer asked, "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" The doctor replied, "No I did not." And with a mischievous grin, the lawyer said, "So, when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." Then the doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

A Second Opinion Did It

John went to a psychiatrist and said, “Doc, I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!” And the psychiatrist said, “Just put yourself in my hands for two years. Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.” John asked, “How much do you charge?” And the psychiatrist replied, “A hundred dollars per visit.” John said, “I’ll think about it.”

John never went back. Sometime later when he met the doctor on the street, and the psychiatrist asked, “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” John said, “For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.” The psychiatrist said, “Is that so? How did he do it?” And John replied, “He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

My Brother Named My Twins

When a pregnant woman was involved in a car accident, she fell into a deep coma. After being asleep for nearly six months, she woke up and observed that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby. And the doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy, and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thought to herself, "Oh no, not my brother. He's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" The doctor said, "Denise." The new mother thought, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asked the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" And the doctor replied, “DeNephew.”

At The Mental Hospital

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

At The Dentist

When an old lady went to visit her dentist, and when it was her turn, and was ushered into the examination room, she quickly sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist, with a strange look on his face said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.” And the old lady just smiled and said, “I know. I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”

The Inheritance

John walked into work one morning, and saw his coworker looking particularly sour. “Hey what’s wrong buddy?” His friend looked up with a forlorn expression on his face, and asked, “You remember last month how my Grandmother’s sister passed on and left me $2,000?” John replied, “Yes, I do remember.” And the coworker continued, “And you remember how the month before that her brother passed on and left me $5,000?” And John just said, “Uh huh.” Then the coworker said, “Well this month is almost over, and NOTHING!”

The Friendly Politician

As a popular local politician, I always try to help out whenever I can. So that’s how it came to be that when a fellow came up to me in a hotel lobby the other day and asked me for a small favour I was more than happy to oblige. “Hi,” said the fellow, introducing himself as Bob Smith. “I’m having a very important business meeting in a few minutes, and it’s very important that I impress them. If you can just come over during our meeting and say hello, I would be forever indebted to you!”

So that’s how a few minutes later, I found myself walking over to the fellow with a big smile on my face, I said, “Hi Bob!” I barely got the words out of my mouth when Bob looked up with an annoyed expression, “Don’t bother me now Chris. Can’t you see I’m in the middle of an important meeting?”

Uncanny Way To Tie A Tie

On the day of my big job interview, I woke up late. And as I frantically threw on a suit, I exclaimed, “Oh no, my tie!” You see, my Dad was out of town and wasn’t there to help me, and for the life of me I did not know how to tie a tie. So I grabbed a tie and ran out the door. “Excuse me sir,” I said to the crossing guard, “I have an important job interview. Can you please help me make this tie?” The guard replied, “Sure. Just lie down on this bench.”

Well, if someone was going to help me, I wasn’t going to ask any questions. After he finished and the tie looked good, I just had to ask why I had to lie down. He replied, “Well, in my previous job I learned how to tie ties on other people when they were lying down.” And when I incredulously asked, “What was your previous job?” He simply replied, “I ran a morgue.”

And The Drunkard Prayed

Right before going to sleep one night, Thomas the town drunkard was at his wit’s end, when it finally donned on him that he had no money to buy even the barest necessities for his family. So, with an emotion laden voice, he prayed. “Dear Father and Mother God, please, all I’m asking for is some food to put on the table, NOTHING else! The booze I’ll buy myself.”

What Do You Have On?

A busty lady with a low-neck sleeveless dress walked into a bar and sat next to a guy. After a while, when the lady realized that the guy had his gaze blessedly fixed on her cleavage, she exclaimed, “My! You sure smell great! What do you have on?” Though startled, the guy quickly composed himself and replied, “I have a hard-on. But I didn’t know you could smell it.”

Worst Job

As I walked into the restroom, I heard the toothbrush say to the toilet roll, “Sometimes I feel that I have the worst job in the world.” And the toilet roll asked, “Yea, right. Wish to try mine?”

The High Salary

At a job interview, the Human Resources Director asked the applicant, “Why are you asking for such a high salary, when you have no experience in this field?” The applicant responded, “Well, the job is so much harder, when you don’t know what you’re doing.”

How To Deal With Your Mother-in-law

A wife, tiring of trying to cope with an interfering Mother-in-law, wrote, “Dear Mother-in-law, I don’t need you to teach me how to handle my children. I’m living with one of yours, and he needs a lot of improvement.”

Belief In Life After Death

When one morning, the boss asked one of his new employees, “Do you believe in life after death?” The new recruit responded, “Yes, Sir. And the bible is quite clear on that.”

The boss continued, “Well, then, that makes everything just fine. After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she dropped in to see you.”

Bed Ridden

While acquainting himself with a new elderly patient, the asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."

A Cowboy Named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" Bud replied, "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government." And the yuppie exclaimed, "Wow! That's correct. But how did you guess that?" The cowboy then answered, "No guessing required. You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars-worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”