Why Was Jesus Calling Peter?

When Jesus was hanging on the cross, he looked out into the crowd and saw St. Peter. He then called out, "Peter! Peter! Come here." St. Peter tried to reach Jesus but the Roman soldiers around the foot of the cross pushed him back. In frustration, he looked up, and Jesus repeated, "Peter! Peter! Come here." And as St. Peter tried harder to reach the cross, the Roman soldiers again knocked him down and kicked him a few times.

But when St. Peter heard Jesus calling to him again, he picked himself up, and with the speed of a wounded lion, dashed through between two Roman soldiers and got right up to the foot of the cross. And panting heavily, he said, "Yes Lord, I am here." And Jesus said, "Peter, I can see your house from here."

What Would You Have Done?

At lunch one day, a guy asked his friend, “What would you have done, if you were?” A man, who had suspected that his wife was being unfaithful, told her that he was going overseas, and would be away for seven days. But on the night of the third day, he returned after midnight, quietly let himself in, and found his wife naked in bed with another man. The husband then grabbed his shotgun and threatened to kill the naked man.

Amid sobs and tears, his wife pleaded, “Please don’t kill this one. This man has been very kind and generous to us. I had lied when I told you my business has been booming. Among many other things, this man paid for the Lexus Jeep I gave you on your last birthday. And he is presently financing that, our other house.”

When Shall Women Be Equal To Men?

Last Christmas, a family friend invited me to their home for a Christmas dinner; which turned out to be a mini-party of about five couples. After dinner, and sitting in the garden and nursing our after dinner drinks, the ladies were obsessed with discussing, “The equality of sexes.”

After a while, one lady queried, “Why on earth, do men think that women can’t be equal to men?” At this point, I felt an honest opinion may be appreciated. So I said, “Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street in advance age, with a bald head and a big belly, and still be attractive to the opposite sex.”

The Result Of A Priestly Advice

While taking a shortcut through an alley one evening, a Priest came upon a young boy, vigorously, masturbating. And the Priest told him, "My son, you shouldn't be doing that. You should be saving that for when you get married." Embarrassed, the boy hung his head down, and simply said, "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the Priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in, and the Priest said, "Yes, my son?" And the young man said, "Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave me then." The Priest looked over and asked, "And what was that, my son?"

The young man responded, "Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married." The Priest smiled and said, "That sounds like something I probably would have said. Did you take my advice?" The young man answered, "Yes Father, I did. But there's only one problem." Wondering what that might be, the Priest asked, "What's that, my son?" And the young man replied, "Well, I now have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

John’s Will And Testament

After John had been buried and duly mourned for months, the family gathered for the reading of his last will and testament. His lawyer, standing before the family, started to read out, "To my dear wife Comfort, I leave the house, 1 million dollars, and 50 acres of land in the country

The lawyer paused for a few moments, and continued. “To my son John junior, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar cars. To my daughter Vivian, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Thomas, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp and thread mill."

How Fast Can You Run?

A crime suspect asked his arresting police officer, “Why
haven’t you cuffed my hands? Aren’t you bothered, I may run off?” The officer
replied, “Nope. Because you can’t run faster than, 1,200 feet per second.”

Amazed, the suspect further asked, “Can you run that fast?” And
the officer responded, “Not me. That is the average speed of a bullet, fired
from my gun."

Would The Lord Mind?

One blistering night last winter, when a Priest and a Nun were returning from a trip, their car broke down where they were unable to get it fixed. So they decided to spend the night in a hotel. And the only hotel in the town had only one room available. So, the Priest said to the Nun, “Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem with it, under the circumstances, if we spend tonight together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.” And the Nun said, “I think that will be okay.”

They then prepared for bed and each one took their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later, the Nun said, “Father, I'm terribly cold.” And the Priest said, “Okay Sister, I'll get you a blanket.” And the Priest got her a blanket. Another ten minutes later, the Nun said, “Father, I'm still terribly cold.” Again the Priest said, “Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. And a gain, he got her a blanket.

But when in another ten minutes later, the Nun again said, “Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night,” the Priest responded, “You're probably right. Get up and get your own damn blanket.”

The Smart Smuggler

When John came up to the border on a Motorcycle, laden with two large bags, the Customs officer asked him, "What's in the bags?" John answered, "Sand." The officer said, "Very well. We'll see about that.” The officer then took the bags, ripped them apart in a furry, and emptied them out and found nothing in them, but sand. He detained John overnight, had the sand analyzed, only to discover that there was nothing but pure sand in the bags. The officer released John, put the sand into new bags, lifted them onto John’s motorcycle, and lets him cross the border.

Five days later, the same thing happened. The officer again asked, "What have you got in the bags?" And John again answered,  "Sand." The officer did his usual thorough examination and discovered that the bags contained nothing but sand. He gave the sand back to John, and John crossed the border on his motorcycle.

After this sequence of events had continued for over two years, John stopped showing up. Then one day, the officer met up with him in a nightclub in the city. "Hello my friend," the officer said amiably. "I know you were smuggling something, but not being able to figure out what it is, has been driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't even sleep. Just between you and I, what were you smuggling?" John smiled, and said, “Motorcycles.”