The Distraction

When a cop saw the staggering man walking out of the bar towards the parking lot, he gleefully thought, “I’ll just wait until he pulls out and then I’ll pull him over for drunk driving.” There was no doubt about it, the man was as drunk as could be. After tripping over a rock and dusting himself off, he slowly made his way towards his car swaying every which way.  And after opening the passenger side door by mistake, he finally opened the right door and sat down heavily in the driver’s seat. But after dosing off for a few minutes he seemed to awake out of his drunken slumber and slowly put his keys in the ignition turning on the car.

He barely started pulling out before the cop turned on his sirens full blast and headed over to the car and said, “Alright buddy, get on out and let me see you walk a straight line.” To the cops surprise the man easily walked a straight line, and even passed the Breathalyzer test too. Then the positively mystified cop asked, “How’d you get sober so quick?” The man responded with a smile, “Get sober?” I am always sober. I was just distracting you so all my drunken buddies could escape without you noticing!”

At The Eye Doctor

I was very scared about going to the eye doctor to get a certain procedure done on my eyes. The doctor tried to put me at ease but to no avail. It was after he finished with my first eye that I nearly jumped out of the chair, when he said, “There, there. Only one eye left!”

The Empty Specimen Container

When a lady arrived at the doctor’s office for a routine physical, the nurse handed her a urine specimen container and said, “The bathroom is over there on your right, the doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”

A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face, handed the nurse the empty container and said. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

A Kiss Per Yard

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spotted a nice material for a dress and, and asked the male sales clerk, “How much does it cost? And the male sales clerk replied with a smirk, “Only one kiss per yard.” The girl said, “That’s fine by me. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, smiled, and said, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

The Opportunist

When during a shopping mall robbery, one of the robber’s mask slid down, he looked at a man and asked, “Did you see my face?” The man said yes! The robber shot him. Then he asked a woman. “Did you see my face?” And the woman said, “I didn’t. But my but my husband over there did.”

What We Love

One day, when a tour bus driver was driving his bus full of senior citizens down a highway, a little old lady tapped him on his shoulder and offered him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munched up. After approximately 15 minutes later, she tapped him on his shoulder again and handed him another handful of almonds. She repeated this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time, the tour bus driver asked the little old lady, “Why don't you eat the almonds yourselves?” Whereupon she replied, “It is not possible because of our old teeth. We are not able to chew them.” Puzzled, the tour bus driver asked, "Why do you buy them then?" And the old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate around them.”

His Last Request

When Pa James, who has been a faithful Christian was in the hospital near death, the family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Pa James’ condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Pa James used his last bit of energy to scribble a note then suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Pa James died. He said, "You know, Pa James handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing James, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Best Sex

When John entered a bus, saw this pretty young nun, he immediately sat next to her. After a few moments, he started to plead, "You are so attractive and I must have sex with you." But the nun replied, "No, I'm married to God." She then stood up and got off the bus, at the next stop. Devastated, John decided to get off at the next two stops. While getting off, the bus driver who had overheard his conversation with the nun said, "I can tell you how to get to make love with her!" Excitedly, John said, "Really?” And the bus driver responded, "Yeah. She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that glowing powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be an Angel."

John promised to give it a try. So, on the next Tuesday night, he arrived at the cemetery dressed as suggested. And on seeing the nun, he said, "I am an Angel. God has directed me to make love with you." The nun agreed without hesitation, but begged him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she was desperate not to lose her virginity. The man agreed and promptly had his wicked way with her. This was the best sex he had ever had. After finishing, he jumped up, threw back his hood with a flourish and laughed happily, "Ha-ha! Surprise surprise, I am the man from the bus!" And the nun replied, "Ha-ha! Surprise surprise, I am the bus driver!"

The Red Shirt

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain said, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he got his red shirt and they victoriously battled the pirates. Several days later, they spotted another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," said the captain, "Get me my red shirt." They again battled the pirates and are victorious.

Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asked, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responded, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit." The cabin boy said, "I see." A few days later, when they sighted 20 pirate ships in the distance the captain yelled out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."

Wishful Thinking

When three friends died in a car crash, and found themselves at the pearly gates, they were all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy said, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy said, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." And the last guy replied, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Now You Know Who Would

The Special Squad had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the Special Squad agent took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun, and said, "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." And the agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

The Right Of Claim

Late one night a robber wearing a mask, accosted a well-dressed man, in a residential car park, stuck a gun in his ribs and demanded, “Give me your money.” Indignantly, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this. I am a Nigerian senator.” And the robber said, “In that case, give me MY money.”

The Good Deal

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by, which had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. But feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later, the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth.

How He Did It

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fell all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but ended up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decided to be kind and told them, “The first one who can use the words, “Liver” and “Cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” And the Poodle said, “Oh, how childish. That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” And the Golden Retriever blurted, “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese.”  Unimpressed, the Poodle said, “My, my, I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turned to the last of the three dogs and said, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gave her a smile, a sly wink, turned to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and said, “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

What Was He Thinking?

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phoned for a cab, turned on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard. But when the taxi arrived, and they opened the front door to leave, the cat they had put out, suddenly scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. S0 the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went back in. The cat ran upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

Because the wife didn't want the driver to know the house will be empty, she explained to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later the husband got into the cab, and said, "Sorry I took so long.” And as they drove away, he added, "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!” The cab driver hit a parked car.

What Did The Chicken Do?

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth was driving him crazy.

One day, it got to be too much, so the guy grabbed the bird by the throat, shook him really hard, and yelled, "QUIT IT!" But this just made the bird mad and he swore more than ever. Then the guy got mad and said, "That's it. I'll get you." He locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravated the bird and he clawed and scratched, and when the guy finally let him out, the bird cut loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy was so mad that he threw the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there was a terrible din. The bird kicked and clawed and thrashed. Then it suddenly went very quiet. At first the guy just waited, but then he started to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he was so worried that he opened up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbed onto the man's outstretched arm and said, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Not Wanted

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. And when the policeman asked for a description, she said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

Immediately, the next-door neighbour protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Being Creative

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife, "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife, "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all, the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back, "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce." 

Quality Of Life

During a recent Seminar, the Speaker asked, “Why do women live Better, Longer and more Peaceful Lives; as compared to their men counterpart?”

A seemingly very INTELLIGENT man replied, “Women don't have wives!”

Acting Marriage

A man and a woman who have never met before found themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both managed to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leaned over and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leaned out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married." And the woman giggles and said, "Why not?” The man then replied, "Good. Get your own blanket." 

Go Check It Out

When five doctors, a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist; went on a duck hunt, a while a bird came winging overhead. The GP raised his shotgun but didn’t shoot because he wasn’t sure if it was a duck or not. The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn’t shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, “I know that’s a duck, but does the duck know it’s a duck?” The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”

How To Test Her Hearing Loss

While getting a checkup, a man told his doctor that he thinks his wife was losing her hearing. The doctor said, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say, “Honey? Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds." Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.

About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asked, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?” And the man replied, "Yes, I did." And the doctor asked, "How close did you get before she answered?" And the man said, "Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said, "For the FIFTH TIME, WHAT???"

The Scary Word

A man was recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appeared and asked him how he was feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "Oops!"