The Drunkard’s Lecture

When a cop in a small town where everyone knew each other spotted the town drunk walking down the street and looking like he was up to no good, he then rolled down his window and said, “Hey! You are not heading for any trouble, are you?” And the drunkard with a big smile responded, “No sir! I’m heading to a lecture!” A lecture! Thought the cop incredulously, and at 1 am? This I gotta see!

After following him for a few blocks the cop was surprised to see him going into his own house. The cop then screamed out his window, “Hey, I thought you were heading to a lecture?!” The drunkard just held up his index finger and headed inside. Sure enough, within a minute the cop heard the lecture loud and clear through the upstairs window, “JUST WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING OUT ALL THIS TIME YOU NASTY GOOD-FOR-NOTHING…”

A Nun’s Miracle

Sister Marry was truly a religious woman. Besides her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals, visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs. So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of petrol, the only container she could find to put the petrol, was a bedpan. Sister Mary happily walked two blocks to the closest petrol station, filled up the bedpan with petrol and headed back to her car.

As luck would have it, as Sister Mary started tipping the petrol into the fuel tank, the traffic light turned red and she had quite a large audience witnessing the spectacle. Just when she finished pouring in the last drops of petrol, a fellow rolled down his window and hollered, “I swear! If that car starts I’m becoming a religious man!”

The Single Mother Syndrome – Part 2

And true to my pledge, I surprised my mother the next evening after dinner, when I called for the resumption of our talk. After we had settled down, and as if my mother had prepared her line of attack, just shot out, “And according to you, if most of the women out there aren’t prepared for the long haul, how come they are happily married? Or, are these women from another planet? Have you forgotten that if you want to walk on wet grounds, you must first throw water on the grounds?” When I managed to stop laughing, I responded, “Mum, first of all, most of the couples you saw out there aren’t happily married, but seemingly happily married. You don’t want to know how they live in their homes. Second of all, though these women aren’t from another planet, the couples have perfected the art of split-personalities. And third of all, why should I want to walk on wet grounds, and then come and mess up my rugs?”

I continued, “Mum, what happened to the ethics of your generation when children were told, taught and warned never to beg or receive from anyone outside their homes; least of all, from strangers. And that was even before the advent of modern religions, which have now done us more harm than good. I mean the days when though, our forefathers/foremothers could neither read nor write in any language, were honest, compassionate and morally upright. Now that we claim to have arrived, and claiming to know the history of other nations more than our own, we have become chronic beggars, among other vices. Our children, students, single, married and unmarried parents, now beg with impunity. They even beg from complete strangers that they can see and those they can’t see. They don’t only claim to have the right to beg bet they even deny those they beg from, the right to refuse. What arrogance? And they justify their unholy behaviours with, “This is Naija.” As if those vices, have been enshrined in our constitution. They beg and receive from, armed robbers, drug pushers, ritual-killers and treasury looters; without an atom of shame.”

My mother just looked on, as I stopped to catch my breath. Wow, what a night? Finally, I said, “Mum, all this talking is beginning to make me hungry, and if we don’t stop tonight’s session soon, I may have to ask for food.” What a relief, when she agreed and we hugged and said, “Good night.”

The Single Mother Syndrome

During one of the Christmas parties, my ever caring widowed-mother who was spending the Christmas/New Year holidays with me returned to our table with a mixture of a frown and a mischievous smile on her face. As soon as she sat down, she turned to me and said, “Son, we have to talk. Things are getting out of hand. At this rate your father, bless his soul, will be turning in his grave.” And wondering what has suddenly come over my cheerful mother, I put a hand on her shoulder and said, “Mum, talk we shall, but can it wait till we get home?” She smiled and said, “Sure darling, it can wait; but be prepared. It may take all night.”

That night, I was prepared for a lecture of my life. So, immediately after dinner she said, “Son, I have seen that most of your mates have settled down with one woman each. What is the matter with you? Don’t get me wrong. I love grandchildren, but I am not happy with the way and manner that you are producing them. Why should my son be one of those responsible for the ever-increasing number of single mothers? Why can’t you be like your father?”

And determined to inject some humour into our talk, I replied, “Mum, why should I get married and make one woman unhappy, when I can remain single and make many women happy?” But before she could flare up, I added, “On a serious note mum, most of the women out there aren’t prepared for the long haul. They are more interested in anyone who can take care of them here and now, but fail to be categorical on what it would take to take care of them. They fail to appreciate the fact that many men who can ill-afford it, but can manage it in the short term would promise, just to get into their pants.” As the night wore on, coupled with effects of the party, I virtually had to beg my mother for adjournment, not without a pledge to continue the next day.

The Report

The poor man was such a habitual drinker that even he was finally convinced that he was an alcoholic. At his family’s urging he went to see a psychiatrist. After a lengthy consultation, the doctor sternly ordered that hereafter, every time the patient got drunk he was to report his transgression the very next day.

A few days later the patient staggered into the psychiatrist’s office, and mumbled, “I wanna report that I wash drunk last night.” And when the doctor screamed at him and said, “For heaven’s sake, man, you’re drunk right now!” The patient replied, “Yeah I know. But I’m gonna report this tomorrow.”

The Village Square Syndrome

For those who are hooked on finding a spouse at the village square and at ceremonies, don't go for looks, fashions and rides; they can deceive, especially with all those layers of makeup and borrowed or rented clothes and cars.

Don't go for wealth, even that can fade away. Go for someone who can and will make you smile; because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find that someone who will make your heart smile; and you will be blessed, with a healthful and love-filled life.

How Is Your Headache?

When a man called his doctor to wish him A Merry Christmas, the doctor asked, “How is your headache?” And the man replied, “She's out of town.”

Your Good Looks

Once when a wife craved for some compliments, the husband said, “Honey, someday you may lose some, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose.” And when the wife asked, “And what may that be, darling?”  The husband replied, “Your good looks. You can never lose what you don’t have!”

Brothers, Be Warned!

Brothers are known to possess high level of sexual urge, and can easily lose control of them-selves and become irrational when sexually aroused, especially when the opposite sex is in sight; they literally start thinking with their joysticks. For your own safety, stop offering your joystick to strangers (prostitutes, one night stands, etc) for mouth-actions. Stop risking your life for just a few minutes of ecstasy. Only enjoy mouth-action with your wife or girlfriend whom you have known for a longtime.

I heard a shocking story the other day, and I think everyone should learn from this story. The victim, a final year student in one of our tertiary institutions, invited a girl he met on one of the social networks. Around 1am, his hostel mates were woken by a loud scream from the victim’s room. After several knocks on the door without any responds, they decided to force the door open. When the door was forced open, they were met with a shocking sight of the victim Unclad in a pool of blood with his joystick almost detached from his groin. And within a few feet from him, was the girl also unclad and making a rhythmic movement of the arms and legs, which signified that she was having an epileptic seizure. She may have been giving the victim a mouth-action when the seizure started.

Seizure in Epilepsy patients is often triggered when the brain is in a state of high excitement or anxiety. The experience includes stiffen and tight clicking of the teeth for several seconds to a minute (imagine your joystick in her mouth at this moment) and then having a rhythmic movements of the arms and legs. Often the rhythmic movements slow down, before stopping. The return to consciousness is gradual and the person may be confused for periods, ranging from minutes to hours. Have you ever considered, if that stranger you are offering your joystick for a mouth-action is epileptic? Like HIV/AIDS, epilepsy is not written on the face. That handsome or beautiful face might be suffering from epilepsy. “Be Warned.”

Why I Love Being Older

As I've aged, I've become kinder to, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM?  I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60s and 70s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will. I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.  They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, eventually, will remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and too many have died before their hair could turn silver. As I get older, it is easier to be positive. I care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.  I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I love being older. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

My Right

Yes, it is my right not to know and or understand. And when I don’t know or understand, I reserve the right to ask questions. Therefore, I don’t deserve to be called more names, than I already have; by anyone anxious to exhibit his/her ignorance/gullibility. I am sure, other readers and I, will appreciate direct and relevant answers; not ones made up in defense, that they themselves don’t even understand.

And my first question is, “Why is it that in the Bible, which is mainly the history of the tribe of Israel, there are mostly foreign names?”

Are We Zombies?

While entering the auditorium, I asked myself, “How will I get their immediate attention?” Then I remembered that I had a whistle in one of my pockets. So, I got out my whistle, blew it and pronto, all attention was on me. Thank you I said, and continued. “Now that I have your attention, may I have everyone standing?” Everyone got on their feet, not knowing what next to expect, from this uncanny speaker.

Then I said, “If a Zombie is to be defined as one without an independent mind or reasoning ability; and you won’t mind being referred to as a Zombie, please keep standing.” Everyone immediately sat down. And I laughed out loud but quickly apologized, because they didn’t seem to see the funny side of their actions. I know you too can’t wait to get my drift.

Late last month when I lost a very close and dear friend, I said to myself, “Oh my God, here we go again.” Here comes another, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.” And I began to wonder all over again, “Why did the Lord give in the first place?” We have gullibly swallowed all foreign doctrines, hook, line, and sinker; and still claim not to be Zombies. And if we are not Zombies, how do we explain our inability to appreciate divergent opinions? Why do we know the history of other tribes, more than our own? And if we claim to have only one Creator, why do we have so many religions?

Some Pick-up Lines

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Can I buy you a drink?

Woman: I think I’d rather have the money!

Man: Will you go out with me this Saturday?

Woman: Sorry, I’m having a headache this weekend.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Just Thoughts

Being Unique: Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Loud Music: If the music’s too loud, you’re too old.

Luck: I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Nursing Home: Be nice to your children, they will be choosing your nursing home.

The pessimist: The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip.

Patience: Dear GOD, please help me have patience, and make it quick!

The Bachelors: A recent study showed that men who are married live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.

Time: Time, is the best Teacher. The only problem is it kills all of its students.

The Final Solution: When everything else fails, try the directions.

Be Grateful And Thankful

My mates are getting married. My mates are getting good jobs. My mates are succeeding. My mates are living overseas. My mates are buying cars. My mates are building houses. My mates are this, my mates are that.

It's a pity you literally forgot about some of your mates that are in the mortuary, some of your mates in psychiatric homes, some of your mates roaming streets, some of your mates that are jobless, hungry, blind and or deaf. Some of your mates are there in jail without committing any crime. Some slept yesterday and didn't wake up today? You ate last night, but some didn't or couldn't.

Do you know that in less than 18 days, you would be saying, “Good Bye, to 2015?” You might not be where you wish to be, but you have obviously transcended from where you were yesterday. “Be grateful, thankful and appreciate what you have got.”

The Reason I’m Tired!

For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason. I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million, are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and Local Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work, you and I. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes! 

The Loyal Secretary

Bernice had been employed at the same office for over 50 years and was the boss’s top secretary. Everyone was jealous of her. Every day when Bernice showed up for work she would open the drawer to her left, peek inside, and then lock it. When she finally died, her coworker Sandy, who was dying of curiosity, made it her mission to figure out what was in that drawer.

After days of searching she finally found the key. Sweating with excitement she slowly opened up the drawer. Inside was a folded piece of paper. Slowly she reached inside and took it out, while cautiously looking over her shoulder. After a few seconds of trepidation she opened it up. It said the following “Put only one spoonful of sugar in the boss’s coffee.”

The Raise

One morning, John walked into his boss’s office and said, “Sir, I’ll be straight with you. I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agreed to a 5% raise, and John happily got up to leave. Just as he was getting up, the boss asked, “By the way, which three companies are after you?” And John replied, “The Electric Company, the Water Company, and Phone Company.”

The Judgment

When a man died and went to The Judgment, they told him, “Before you meet with God, you should know that we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul then thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!” Then they chorused, “Wow that’s impressive! When did this happen?” The newly arrived soul responded, “About three minutes ago.”

While Telemarketing

 Listen, a job is a job. We all need to find a way to put bread on the table, don’t we? To make a long story short I’m a telemarketer. That’s my job and that’s what I do. It’s not a job everyone appreciates, but it’s a job I enjoy and am proud of. The other day I called a house and a real nice lady answered the phone, she was really helpful and friendly, she was the type of lady that helps a telemarketer get through a long day. After some pleasantries I asked if Mr. Smith was in.

She answered, “I’m sorry, I’m afraid he doesn’t live here anymore.”  Now that was a real disappointment being that she was a nice lady and all, but I took it all in a stride and said, “I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Do you happen to have his new number?” The woman cheerfully replied, “Sure thing!” She gave me his new number. I hung up the phone, quickly called the new number and was surprised to hear a recording, “Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…”

The Honest Lawyer?

As his last request on his death bed, the city miser asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. He said, “I know I am going to die. And I would like to take my money with me. So I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in my coffin.”

It was a few days after the funeral when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 in the coffin. The doctor said, “I’m glad you brought it up, because I have also been feeling guilty. I only put $80,000 in the coffin.” And the lawyer stormed, “You people should be ashamed of yourselves, stealing money like that. Am I the only honest person here?”  Pulling out his cheque book, he added, “Look, I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!”

Don’t Need Prayers Here

When a man took his wife to a fancy restaurant and the food was served, he just grabbed his cutlery and said, “Yes, this is it. Let’s eat.” But his wife looked at him quizzically and said, “Honey, you haven’t prayed. At home, you always say your prayers before you eat.” And the husband replied, “That is at home. Here, the chef knows what he is doing.”

He Wished

When a bus full of housewives going on a picnic fell into a river and all of them died, each husband cried for a week. But one husband in the community continued to cry for more than two weeks.

When asked whether he missed his wife so much, he replied miserably, “Hell, no. My wife missed the bus.”

Not Applicable

When a husband came home and told his wife that he found the Angel of luck today, his wife exclaimed, “Wow! What did you ask for darling?” The husband replied, “I asked him to increase your brain ten times.”

Excitedly, his wife said, “How sweet! I love you so much. Did he do that for me?” And the husband smiled and said, “He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zeros”

The Blackman’s Problem

During an interview with a Jewish leader about Blacks, the interviewer asked, “Why are blacks so behind, economically?”

JEWISH LEADER: The only aspect blacks understand is Consumption. Blacks don't understand the importance of building wealth. The fundamental rule is to keep your money within your racial group. We build Jewish business, hire Jewish, buy Jewish and spend Jewish. There is nothing wrong with that but it is a basic rule blacks cannot comprehend and follow. "He kills his fellow blacks daily instead of wanting to see his fellow black do well." 93% of blacks killed in America are by other blacks. Their leaders steal from their people and send the money back to their colonial masters from whom they borrow the same money from. Every successful black wants to spend his money in the country of his colonial masters.

They go on holidays abroad, buy houses abroad, school abroad etc, instead of spending this money in their own country to benefit their people. Statistics show that the Jew's money exchanges hands 18 times before leaving his community while for blacks it is probably a maximum of once or even zero. Only 6% of black money goes back into their community. This is why Jews are at the top and blacks are at the bottom of every ladder of society. Instead of buying Louis Vuitton, Hermes, expensive cars, shoes, houses, dresses etc, blacks could industrialize Africa, build banks and get rid of colonial institutions by putting them out of business.

INTERVIEWER: Your thoughts on failure of blacks after 150yrs?

JEWISH LEADER: Well, nothing is ever the Blackman’s fault. His compulsive habit of killing his own, compulsive material consumption. His inability to build businesses or preserve wealth are usually somebody else's fault.

INTERVIEWER: So what can blacks do to liberate themselves?

JEWISH LEADER: Blacks must take responsibility. Blacks must unite. And vehemently fight corrupt leaders who run down their countries and run to IMF as though IMF is Father Christmas.

***Please share this until it goes round Nigeria, and particularly to our parasitic leaders. We all need to learn our lessons quick and build our Nation NIGERIA***

The Race Of Life

As I dressed up to go out this morning, I am once again reminded of how personal and private this race called life is. I got into my car, drove out, and joined the road where other cars are already travelling on. Lesson number 1: We don't all have the same entry point into life.

As I kept driving, I passed some other cars, while other cars passed me.

Lesson number 2: We won't travel through life at the same speed because each car is built differently.

And as I moved on, I caught myself trying to pursue another car in front of me, only to discover that, just as I was about to pass it, it turned off the road into another road.

Lesson number 3: We don't all have the same exit point.

We are all on this journey called life. We will enter at different points and exit at different points, but one thing is for sure; we will all exit this road at one point in time or the other. It may be 10km run THE CREATOR has given you, or it could be 100kms. What is important is that you run your race well.

Your car has side view mirrors and a rear-view mirror. You use both to see the sides and the back of your car respectively. Other cars will be behind you, while others may be beside you for a while. It is dangerous to spend time looking at these mirrors; they will distract you. That is why your car has got a large windshield/screen in front of you. It gives you the biggest view of the potentials in front of you and the resources you are yet to attain.

Don't spend precious time looking at your back to see those who are pursuing you, or looking at your side to see those who are trying to overtake you. Keep your eyes in front of you and stay true to your race. When it is time to exit the road, you would know that you have run your race well and ended well. I pray THE CREATOR, to bless and help you as you run this race called LIFE. Have a Wonderful LIFE.

The Burden Of Hatred

Once, a Junior School teacher asked her students to bring some potatoes in a plastic bag to school. Each potato represents a person whom that child hates. Therefore, the number of potatoes will be equal to the number of persons they hate. The children brought their potatoes, named appropriately. Some had two, some had three and some had five potatoes.

The teacher then said, “I want each one of you to carry your potatoes with you everywhere you go for the next one week.” As the days passed the potatoes began to smell and the children started to complain about the rotten smell of the potatoes. The more the potatoes, the worse the smell, not to mention the extra weight one had to endure. At the end of the week the teacher asked, "How did you feel this one week?" The Children complained of the smell and weight. And the Teacher said, "This is very similar to what you carry in your heart when you don't like some people.”

Hatred makes the heart unhealthy and you carry that hatred everywhere you go. If you can't bear the smell of spoiled potatoes for a week, imagine the impact on your heart that you carry throughout your life time. Your Heart is a beautiful garden that needs regular cleaning. Forgive People. Forgive those who have angered you and those who will anger you. Forgiveness is for your-self and it's an attribute only of the strong.”