His New Best Friend

A man was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he saw his good friend gulping down one shot after another. Fearing the worst, the man charged into the bar and confronting his friend, he asked, “What’s going on?” And his friend replied, “It’s my wife. She ran off with my best friend!” But the man asked, “Hey wait a second! Aren’t I your best friend?” And with a happy smile his friend replied, “Not any more. He is now!” 

The Freezing Drunk

One cold night when a drunk stumbled out of a beer parlour which was situated close to a cemetery, and wasn’t careful where he was going, he fell into a freshly dug grave. After a while he screamed on the top of his lungs, “Help! I’m freezing!” Before long another drunk sauntered out of the beer parlour and made his way towards the first drunk’s repeated cries of, “I’m freezing!” And the second drunk came closer and scolded. “Of course you are! “You kicked off all of the sand they had covered, you with!”

His Allergy

On their first date, the lady asked the man, “So, do you drink?” And the man replied, “I used to drink a lot, but I quit cold turkey.” Impressed, the lady exclaimed, “Wow! That must take a lot of self-control.” But the man explained, “Well I found out I was allergic to it. Every time I drank, I broke out in handcuffs.”

Round Is A Shape

While in the Gym one evening, I overheard a friend tell his wife, “Honey, you have to get in shape!” I then took a second look at her and said, “But round is a shape!” There went my dinner invitation.

Inferiority Complex

After seeing a psychologist for over three years, a man was thrilled when he was finally pronounced free to go. Excitedly the man questioned, “Wow this is so exciting. You mean I am finally cured? You mean I no longer have an inferiority complex?” And the psychologist replied slowly, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you I don’t think you ever had an inferiority complex. After much thought, I have come to a conclusion. I think you really are inferior!”

When Thou Shalt Not Complain

When a young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery, he joined one particularly strict sect. At his indoctrination, the head monk told him that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words. After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Bed hard!” And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Food bad!” And then he resumed his silent study and work. Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “I quit!” The head monk shook his head and said, “I knew this was coming. You’ve done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!”

The Nervous Dad

When a man’s wife was in labour, and he was a nervous wreck, the hospital staff kept telling him, “Just relax.” But the more he heard those words, the more nervous he became. After what seemed like a week, to both him and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news and exclaimed, “It’s a girl!” And the man said, “Thank God. At least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”

When God Sneezed

One night a man woke up suddenly at midnight, and was sweating all over. When his frighten wife asked, “Are you okay? What’s the problem?” The man replied, “I just dreamed that I died!” And his wife asked, “Was it so bad up there that you have to be sweating all over?” The exclaimed, “You bet! I got up there, and was right in front of God himself, when he suddenly sneezed so boomingly loud. And I didn’t know what to say to him!  Whoa was that traumatic!”

After The Surgery

Before a man went in for surgery, he thought it would be funny if he posted a note on himself telling the surgeon to be careful. And he did. After the surgery, and while slowly recovering from the effects of the anesthesia, he nearly jumped out of his skin when he found another note on himself, “Anyone know where my cell phone is?”

The Alcoholic

When an alcoholic went to see his doctor and the doctor asked, “How are we feeling today?” The man replied, “Doc, I don’t know about you, but I am feeling kind of quizy and listless.” After the usual routine of checking his pulse, listening to his breathing and checking his eyes the doctor said, “I am not exactly sure of the cause, I think it could be due to alcohol.” The man looked at his doctor and said, “That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober.”

Some Facts About The Amazon Rainforest

1.       20% of the Earth's oxygen is produced by the Amazon Rainforest.

2.       The Amazon River once flowed in the opposite direction, from east to west.

3.       The Amazon represents more than half of the Earth's rainforests.

4.       Amazonian Butterflies Drink Turtle Tears.

5.       There's an underground river 4 KM (2.4 mi) beneath the Amazon River in Brazil, that might be as long, but hundreds of times wider.

6.       Sand from the Sahara is blown by the wind all the way to the Amazon, recharging its minerals. The desert literally fertilizes the rainforest.

7.       In 2008, Norway donated US$1 billion to help save the Amazon rainforest.

8.       The Amazon River discharges 5 times as much water as any other river on the planet.

9.       Iquitos, Peru is the largest city in the world inaccessible by road. It's located deep in the Amazon rainforest and has over 400,000 people.

10.   There are no bridges over the Amazon River.

11.   If the Amazon Rainforest is part of this world, and Jesus Christ is King of the world, how come tribes in the Amazon Rainforest haven’t heard of Him?

12.   Are these tribes also descendants of Adam and Eve?

13.   When shall our self-acclaimed men of god, go save these tribes of the Amazon Rainforest?

Why Can’t I Seem To Get Over This?

Why can’t I seem to get over this, “When I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child and I believed like a child; when I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.”

But why have we become more ignorant and gullible?

We are now neither allowed to think nor reason.

What has the history of any tribe of the world, got to do with the rest of the world?

What has a letter written to, and meant for the Romans, got to do with the rest of the world?

Why for over Two Thousand Years, these them say stories haven’t reached my brothers and sisters, in Nigeria’s Komma Region and the Amazons?

What would have happened, if the night, the day and sexuality had travelled thus?

These and many more are begging for answers.

Searching For Ideas

I had always wondered why adults ask little kids what they want to be when they grow up; until it hit me, “Because they’re searching for ideas.” 

My Boss, And I

My boss called me into his office today, and said, “Solomon, we both know you’re not the brightest spark around here. But over the last 5 years, you’ve never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?” Without hesitation, I replied, “Vrooom! Vrooooom!”.

First Day On The Job

David grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi. A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on their way. Twenty minutes into the ride David had a question for the taxi driver, so he tapped the driver on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me sir.” The taxi driver screamed “AHHHH HHH,” swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder. “What the heck was that all about?” demanded David thoroughly shaken. The taxi driver wiped his brow and said, “I’m sorry sir. This is my first day on the job. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”

Request For A Lawyer

When Jones was caught red handed by a police officer in the very act of burglarizing a store, he was quickly brought to trial. And when the judge asked, “How do you plead?” Jones replied, “Your honour, before I plead guilty or not guilty, I ask that the court kindly appoint a lawyer to defend me.” The judge said, “Jones, you were caught in the actual commission of a crime. What could any lawyer possibly say in your defense?”

And Jones responded, “That’s exactly my point, your honour. I’m curious also to hear what he could possibly say!”

The Appeal

On a Tuesday the judge passed a verdict against a certain lawyer’s client. On Wednesday the lawyer rushed into the judge’s chambers and said, “Your honour, I just found out new information and I would like to file an appeal.” And the judge asked, “What did you find out?” After a few moments of silence the lawyer responded, “Well, I found out my client has another $5000 dollars.”

The Toilet Brush

Doreen was really frustrated, after she had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, to no avail. Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Doreen had enough, and hollered, “Suzzy!” And when her daughter replied through her bedroom door with, “What,” Doreen said, “I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the bathroom mirror. Do you have any idea where it is?”

After hearing the gargling from behind the bedroom door, Doreen knew her days of cleaning kiss marks off of mirrors were over.

Some Funny Thoughts

1.       If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport, the terminal?

2.       If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

3.       How is it possible to have a civil war?

4.       If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

5.       What do gardeners do after they retire?

6.       Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing soap made with real lemons?

7.       Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

8.       Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

9.       Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouths closed?

Ten Things I Know About You

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person and everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

The Hypochondriac

When Cyril, one of the world’s greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his doctor one day at the supermarket, he exclaimed, “Doc! I’ve been meaning to tell you. Remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!”

And his doctor exclaimed, “Wow! What wonderful news Cyril! I’m so happy for you!” But dismal looking Cyril asked, “Wonderful? There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now.”

In The Army Of The Lord

After the Christmas service last Christmas, and in line coming out of the church, the vicar was standing at the door as always, to shake hands with the worshipers. When I got to the door, the vicar grabbed me by the hand, pulled me aside and said to me, “You need to join the army of the Lord.” And I replied, “Father, I’m already in the army of the Lord.”  So the vicar inquired, “Then how come I only see you at Christmas and at Easter?” And I whispered to him, “I’m in the secret service.”

Stop Moving The Line

While doing his standard patrol, a cop noticed a car swerving all over the road. He quickly turned on his siren and pulled the guy over. When the man got out of the car, the cop said, “Alright, walk in a straight line.” And the man said, “I’d be happy to, as soon as you stop moving the stupid line.”

Compromise

A wise man once said, “Compromising does not mean you are wrong, and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego.”

Ever Ungrateful

A man, late for an important meeting, was searching desperately for a parking spot in a crowded lot. Looking up to the sky he entreated, “Lord if you find me a parking spot, I promise to start going to church again.” The words were barely out of his mouth, when a spot opened up right in front of his car. The man looked back up and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

The Fur Coat

When Anne went away to college, she promptly became an avid animal right activist. And when she came home for the Holidays and noticed her mother wearing a beautiful genuine fur coat, she exclaimed in a disapproving tone, “Oh Mom! Some animal must have suffered terribly just so you can get a fur coat.”

Apparently aghast, her mother screamed, “ANNE! I SENT YOU AWAY TO COLLEGE AND YOU COME BACK TALKING LIKE THAT?! HOW DARE YOU TALK THAT WAY ABOUT YOUR DAD!!!”