Their Last Meal Requests

When three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew were captured and condemned to be executed, their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. “Give me some good French wine and French bread,” he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate and drank, and then they executed him.

Next was the Italian’s turn. “Give me a big plate of pasta and meat balls with Italian wine,” said the Italian. And they brought his request which he ate and drank, and was then executed. It was now the turn of the Jew. “All I want is just a big bowl of strawberries,” said the Jew. The captors look at each other and chorused, “Strawberries! They aren’t even in season!!” And the Jew said, “So, I’ll wait!”

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Some Facts About Monkeys

1. Monkeys can count.

2. Capuchin Male Monkeys urinate on themselves to attract a mate.

3. The bonobo monkey, the closest relative to humans, is naturally bisexual.

4. Monkeys are trained and employed as harvesters of large coconut plantations in Malaysia and Thailand.

5. Scientists have discovered that monkeys are susceptible to optical illusions, just like humans.

6. In 2011, a monkey was arrested in Pakistan for crossing the border with India.

7. There's a restaurant in Japan using monkeys as waiters.

8. Capuchin monkeys show biases against humans who deny help to others.

9. Yoda, from Star Wars, was almost played by a monkey.

10. A Colombian woman was raised by monkeys after being kidnaped and abandoned in the jungle as a child.

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Some Random Facts_33

1. Cities account for 80% of the world's GDP.

2. The word ‘swansong', a final act or gesture before death or retirement, arose from an ancient belief that swans are mute all their lives but sing a beautiful, mournful song just before they die.

3. Alternative names proposed for Canada in 1867 were Borealia, Cabotia, Transatlantica, Victorialand and Superior.

4. In Sweden, there's a shopping centre dedicated entirely to, repaired and up-cycled goods.

5. Even a short, one-time burst of exercise can boost parts of the brain responsible for executive function such as decision-making and focus, a research paper found.

6. In the 1800s, ducks were called ‘arsefeet' because their feet are so close to their bottoms.

7. The world's billionaires made enough money in 2017 to end extreme poverty seven times over.

8. A male cheetah can make a female ovulate by barking at her.

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His Temperance Sermon

While completing his temperance sermon, the preacher had a great expression on his face when he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even a greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." Finally he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He then sat down.

The song leader then stood up, and very cautiously announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn number 419, “Shall We Gather At The River!”

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Thought Of The Day

There are things you would love to hear, that you will never hear from the person whom you would love to hear them from; but don’t be so deaf as not to hear it from the one who is saying it from the heart.

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Learning Through Experience

When a six year old came crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair, the mother pleaded, "Don't be angry! Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." And when a short while later there was more crying and the mother went to investigate and found the little sister bawling, her son said, "Now she knows!"

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Some Random Quotes_7

1. Don’t let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.

2. We may be limited, but we can push back the borders of our limitations.

3. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, and you will live the life you have imagined.

4. Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.

5. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must act.

6. The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook.

7. Passion is the genesis of genius.

8. Love is the emblem of eternity: it confounds all notion of time.

9. While kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness.

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Some Random Facts_32

1 Cuba bans statues of living Cubans.

2. Until three million years ago, whales were less than 30 feet long.

3. 420,000 people die annually from tainted food.

4. 85% of Vakkaru Island in the Maldives is made up of fish faeces.

5. 50% of US territory is under the sea.

6. England is smaller than New York State.

7. 1 in 8 young Britons have never seen a cow in real life.

8. After Korean soccer player Ahn Jung-hwan scored the goal to eliminate Italy from the 2002 World Cup, his contract was cancelled by the Italian club he played at for ‘ruining Italian soccer.'

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Follow Your Heart

Though they always say, "Follow your heart," a lot of people don't quite understand how deep this really goes. To truly have an amazing life, a life you'd want to tell your kids and grandkids about, a life that is filled with breath taking moments and experiences, you should listen to your heart. Whether it's in your career, social relationships, romances, hobbies, and of course your bedroom escapades, you should lead with your heart.

You can never truly have a fruitful, successful career if you don't have unwavering drive and passion for it. You can never truly experience the best friendships, the most unbreakable family bonds, and the most exhilarating adventures if you don't let your heart take the reins. You can never truly say you have found your Sexual Soul mate if your heart isn't in tune with your partner. And you can never truly experience the most sensual pleasures if you're not heart-connected. If you're not having a deeply intimate, soul-shaking and body-trembling pleasure, then what is sex really for?

For even hook ups and one-night-stands, require both lovers to invest their hearts, minds, and body even for just a fleeting moment. So in all things in your life, lead with your heart, not with your mind! If it doesn't feel right and wonderful, let it go and move on. But, if your heart is bursting with a ravishing emotion because you know deep down inside that this is what you TRULY crave and desire, run towards it with open arms and carefree abandon. And you will grow in love, abundance, happiness, and pure ecstatic joy for life.

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On Real Friends

Real friends are like family. They may not be birth relatives, but their love and loyalty knows no bounds. Cherish your real friends!

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Nelson Mandela Said_1

“The world will never respect Africa until Nigeria earns that respect. The black people of the world are looking up to Nigeria to be a source of pride and confidence. Every Nigerian citizen should be made to understand this truth.”

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Their Different Expectations

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. While a man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

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She Has The Last Word

Your wife has the last word in every argument. Anything you say after that; may just be the beginning of a new argument.

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On Memory

Every married man should forget his mistakes. For there's no use in two people remembering the same things.

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Some Random Facts_31

1. About half of all U.S. homes, had electric power by 1925.

2. Aerosmith's “I Don't Want To Miss A Thing” was originally written for Celine Dion.

3. In 1993, Domino's Pizza stopped their "30 minutes or it's free" pledge after a major lawsuit that made it appear as if their drivers were reckless.

4. In 1913, a bank was sent through USPS brick by brick, taking advantage of the cheap parcel post rates.

5. A 2017 study found that the fax accounts for 75% of the country's medical communications.

6. Pope Francis, Nelson Mandela and Henry Kissinger are honorary members of the Harlem Globetrotters.

7. We use the word "Cancer" as a medical diagnosis because Hippocrates thought the tumors looked like crabs.

8. Pole dancing started in 1135 AD and was mostly done by men.

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My Experience With Sex_Part Three

And when my wife and I separated and we went to court to fight for custody of the dog, I pleaded, “Your lordship, I had sex before we were married. “The judge said, “Me too!” I told the judge that after I was married, sex left me. The judge said, “Me too!” I explained that I had sex on TV, and he called me a show off. And when I told the judge it was a contest, he asked if I sold tickets.

Then I tried to explain about the time when my wife and I were on our honeymoon, and we took the dog along, and while checking into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and I, and a special room for Sex. The clerk told me every room in that hotel was for sex. And I said, “You don’t understand! Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too!” Now I give up! The next dog I own will be called Rover, Tiger or Lion!!

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My Experience With Sex_Part Two

When I went to the City Hall to get him a license and told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex, the clerk took a second look at me and said, “I would like to have one too.” Then I said, “But this is a dog!” And he said he didn’t care what she looks like. And when I said, “You don’t seem to understand! I have had Sex since I was two years old!!” He said, “You must have been a very strong baby!”

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My Experience With Sex_Part One

You know that everybody who has a dog calls him, either Rover, Tiger, or something like that. To be different, I decided to call mine Sex. I found out to my surprise that this was an embarrassing name, when one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran off. And while looking for the damn dog for hours, a cop came up to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at four in the morning?” I replied, “I am looking for Sex!” My case comes up next Friday.

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The Best Patients

When five surgeons were discussing who makes the best patients to operate on, the first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second surgeon said, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." The third surgeon disagreed, “No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

And the fourth surgeon chimed in, "You know what? I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he said, "You're all wrong! Politicians are the best, because they are easiest to operate on. With them, there are no guts, no hearts, no brains, no spines, and the heads and rear ends are interchangeable."

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Don’t Be Stupid

A man was searching the dictionary for the word, “Dictionary,” and he found this meaning, “Dictionary is the thing which you are holding, Stupid!” So he searched for the word, “Stupid,” and he found, “Is that you again?”

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A Classic Dream

I had a dream, in which I played God and hosted a large group of single men and women; who came on pilgrimage to pray for spouses. And they all wanted Angels, as spouses. So I said, “Very well, and fair enough. But appreciate that before I created the fishes, I created the waters; before I created the birds, animals and you, I created the land, plants and gardens; before I created the devil, I created hell; and before I created the Angels, I created the Heavens. So, what have you created in your hearts and environments, for the Angels to live in?”

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A Classic Definition

When President Mugabe was visiting a primary school and visited one of the classes in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings, the teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "Tragedy." One little boy stood up and said, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm is playing in the field and a war vet comes along and knocks him dead with a log, that would be a tragedy." And Mugabe said, "No, that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand, stood up and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." The president disagreed but explained, "I'm afraid not! That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. And when no other children volunteered, Mugabe searched the room with his eyes then asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room another small boy raised his hand, stood up and in a quiet voice said, "If a Zimbabwe Air Force jet carrying Mr. & Mrs. Mugabe were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." Mugabe exclaimed, "Fantastic! That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" And the boy replied, "Well, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

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Some Random Facts About A Woman

1. Researchers from Oxford University, discovered that a woman can say 8,000 words a day while a man says 2,000 words a day.

2. A woman is like a tea bag, you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

3. Not every female is a woman, but every woman is a female.

4. No man, except Adam, came to this world but through a woman.

5. A woman can go through forty heartbreaks in a lifetime and not only survive, but stay hopeful of a perfect forty one.

6. A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars.

7. If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.

8. A women has to constantly deal with a lot of issues emotionally, physically and spiritually; and handle them with class and ease.

9. Only a woman hears a child’s cry and knows exactly what the child wants.

10. A woman is the ultimate multi-tasker; she can do five different things at the same time and she’ll still be sane enough to handle her responsibilies as a wife, mother, sister, daughter and career woman.

11. Most times, a woman is the first to wake up and the last to go to bed.

12. A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets.

13. A woman may stay in a marriage simply to please her family, custom or tradition for sixty years without ever showing remorse.

14. Only a woman cries herself to sleep at night then embraces her kids in the morning with a hug and a smile.

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Some Random Facts_30

1. Termites may be small in size, but they fart more than any other creature. Camels come a close second, followed by zebras and cattle.

2. In 1985, Neil Armstrong and Edmund Hilary went to the North Pole together.

3. Director Guillermo del Toro owns a house called 'Bleak House' in which there's a room with a never ending rainstorm projected onto all windows and audio to match. He often uses this room to write.

4. In China, 171,000 people perished in 1975 due to the collapse of the Banqiao Dam, an event hidden from the world until 2005.

5. HDMI licensed manufacturers pay an annual fee of US$10,000 plus a royalty rate of $0.15 per cable, reduced to $0.05 if the HDMI logo is used.

6. In France, it is illegal to to publish photographs of handcuffed suspects, as they are not to appear guilty until proven so.

7. Oklahoma's 2016 Teacher of the Year moved to Texas in 2017 for a higher salary.

8. Netflix show 'Black Mirror' derives its name from the reflection you see in a switched off screen or monitor

9. Finland is the only country in the developed world where fathers of primary school age children spend more time with their children than mothers.

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Solomon’s Bible Story

When a Sunday school teacher asked her class to sketch a picture of their favourite Bible stories, she was puzzled by Solomon’s picture which showed four people sitting in a plane. So she asked him which Bible story it was meant to represent. And he said, “The flight to Egypt.” And the teacher said, “I see! And that must be Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus. But who is the fourth person?” And Solomon replied, “Oh, that’s Pontius the Pilot.”

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The Talking Parrot

When a woman decided to own a pet to help keep her company at home, she went to her neighbourhood pet shop, found a beautiful parrot and decided to buy it. But before she paid for the bird, the pet shop owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whore house. Sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but still decided she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner then sold her the bird and she took it home, hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad." A couple of hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and their mother were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. And when a couple of hours later the woman's husband came home from work, the bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores, but same old faces. Hi, Thommie!"

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The Pickle Slicer Experience

A guy, who worked in a pickle factory where he had been employed for a number of years, came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion; the urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. When his wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, he said he'd be too embarrassed. And however vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

But one day, a few weeks later when the guy came home absolutely ashen, his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. So she asked, "What's wrong?" And he said, "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife exclaimed, "Oh, you didn't!" The guy said, "Yes, I did."  And when his wife asked, "So, what happened?" He replied, "I got fired." His wife Said, "No, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?" And he said calmly, "Oh, she got fired too."

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An Uncanny Gambler

One morning when a lady walked into the headquarters of a popular Bank carrying a large bag of money, she insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank before she opens a savings account, because it's a lot of money. The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank.  He's a very busy man." The then lady added, "But I am here to make a very large cash deposit. The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, walked to one of the rear offices, came back and said, "You're in luck this morning, he will see you." And she ushered her in to a large office, with the president, a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk who stood up and asked, "How may I help you?" She placed the bag of money on his desk and replied, "I would like to open a savings account." And when the president asked curiously, "How much would you like to deposit?" The lady dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk and said, "$180,000, if you please."

The President was surprised to see all that cash, so he asked, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around, especially a woman. How did you come by this kind of money?" And the lady replied, "I make bets." Surprised, the president then asked, "Bets?  What kind of bets?" The lady said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." The president exclaimed, "What! You want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?" He could hardly hold back from laughing. The lady responded, "Yes, you heard me right. In fact, by ten o'clock tomorrow morning, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square." The president smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one, agreed and shook her hand, "You've got yourself a bet!" The lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?" And the president replied confidently, "Sure!"

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.  He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet, "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. Though obviously embarrassed, the president thought to himself, "Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money,” then said, “Well! I guess it is okay you should be absolutely sure." 

And as the lady started to feel the president's testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. So he asked the lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" And the lady replied, "Nothing, except that I had bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd have the balls of the president of this Bank in my hands."

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Love, The Martian Way

In the year 2258 when James and Josephine landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, they meet a Martian couple and started talking about all sorts of things. After a while, James asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, how they make money, and so on and so forth; while Josephine discussed hobbies, cuisines on Mars, and the like. Finally when Josephine brought up the subject of sex, she asked, "Just how do you guys do it?" The Martian woman responded, "Pretty much the same way you do!" Discussion then ensued, and when curiosity finally got the better of them, the couples decided to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Josephine and the male Martian then went off to a bedroom, and when he stripped reviling only a teeny, weeny member of about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick, Josephine understandably said, "I don't think this is going to work!" And the Martian asked, "Why? What's the matter?" Josephine replied, "Well, it's just not long enough to reach me!" The Martian said, "No problem!" He then proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it's quite remarkably long. And Josephine said, "Well, that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty not thick enough." Again, he said, "No problem!" Then he started pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grew thicker and thicker until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to Josephine, who then exclaimed, "Wow!" They then fell into the bed and made mad and passionate love for many hours.

The next day when the couples had re-joined their normal partners and gone their separate ways, James asked, "Well, was it any good?" She responded, "I hate to say it honey, but it was pretty wonderful; how about yours?" And he replied, "It was horrible! All I got was a terrible headache!! She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!!!"

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Some Random Facts_29

1. "Bumpsy," is17th century slang for "drunk."

2. "Swatting" happens when someone makes a call to a police department with a false story of an ongoing crime –often with killing or hostages involved– in an attempt to draw a large number of police officers to a particular address.

3. In 2017, a Texas wedding photographer was awarded a $1 million defamation verdict against a married couple whom the jury found posted false statements in a social media campaign after being unhappy about a surprise $125 fee.

4. Beethoven managed to keep working even after he completely lost his hearing by the time he was 45. By clenching a stick in his teeth, holding it against the keyboard of his piano, he could discern faint sounds.

5. Ghanaian soccer player Mohammed Anas accidentally thanked both his wife and his girlfriend in a speech after a match.

6. A lychnobite is someone who sleeps all day and works all night.

7. Riding a roller coaster can help patients to expel their kidney stones.

8. The use of CAPITAL LETTERS TO DENOTE SHOUTING dates back to the 19th century.

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