No Contest

When a little girl and a little boy were fighting about the differences between their sexes and which one was better, the little boy dropped his pants and said, “Here's something I have that you'll never have!” The little girl became pretty upset by this, since it was clearly true. She then ran home crying. A little while later, she ran back with a smile on her face, dropped her pants and said, “My mommy said that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

Never Despair

 It is usual that before you cook beans, you go through a selection process in which all the seemingly bad beans are picked and thrown away so that you cook only the good beans. But when the rain comes, the bad beans you threw away in the backyard germinate and grow into beautiful crops, with luscious leaves. From them come plenty of bean seeds and the very same person who judged and threw them away will pluck the leaves and seeds for healthy meals.

 

So also is in life, when you may be judged, despised and discarded at some time; but who knows, the same people who judged you may turn to you in your moments of glory. “So, never curse yourself or be despaired when things don’t seem to go your way, and people look down upon you. Remember that your rain, germination and growth may just be around the corner.” Have a blessed and hopeful day, today and every day.

I Told You So

 When a man came home to find his wife in bed with a stranger and he asked, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turned to the stranger and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."

How To Help Realize The Natural Order Of Things

At a fund raising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question, “When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son? The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.”

 
Then he told the following story, Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps. I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.' Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.
 
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs, but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat. At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

 

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher. The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game. Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!' Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

 

By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball. The smallest guy on their team now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'. Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay run to third!' As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!' Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team. 'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'. Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy and coming home and seeing his mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

 

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:

We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces. If you are thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you are probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.

We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.'

So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice. Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

 

A wise man once said, "Every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them".
You now have two choices:
1. Delete
2. Forward
May your day be Blessed!

The Beauty Of Human Relationship

Alone, I can, “Say,” but together, we can, “Talk.”

Alone, I can, “Enjoy,” but together, we can, “Celebrate.”

Alone, I can, “Smile,” but together, we can, “Laugh.”

“That's the BEAUTY of Human Relationship.”

We are nothing, without each other!

Let Us Stay Connected!!

The Nigerian Jews

When two Jews, Barnabas and Hosea sat in a Lagos restaurant for lunch, Barnabas asked Hosea, '‘Since Nigerians claim to so religious, are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in Nigeria?"

Hosea replied, "I don’t know. Let’s ask the waiter." So Hosea asked the waiter, "Are there any Nigerian Jews?" And the waiter said, "I don't know. Let me go and ask the cook." When he returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, "No sir! No Nigerian Jews." Hosea wasn’t satisfied with that, so he asked, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter realizing that he was dealing with foreigners, gave the expected answer, "Let me check again," and went back to the kitchen.

 

While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Barnabas said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Nigeria. Our people are scattered all over the world." The waiter returned and said, "The cook said there is no Nigerian Jews." Once more, Hosea asked, "Are you certain? I just can’t believe there are no Nigerian Jews!" And the now frustrated waiter said, “Listen, I have asked everyone! All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Coconut Jews and Tomato Jews! No Nigerian Jews!"

Never Devalue Yourself

You devalue yourself, when you continue to see yourself through the eyes of those who don’t appreciate your worth. Be humble and appreciate other people, but never devalue yourself in order to be accepted. Never worry about the people who spend their time analyzing your faults, when their own lives need urgent repairs. And never worry about those who hate or love you, because hating or loving you are both in your favour. When they hate you, you become a permanent resident in their brains, giving them painful days and sleepless nights; and when they love you, you live peacefully and happily in their hearts. Either way, you are a winner.

Why You Shouldn’t Worry

The other time when a brother called me at the dead of night, and sounding so transparently depressed, I instinctively asked, “What must be bugging you so much, to be sounding this bad?” With a quivering and emotion laden voice, he said, “I am so worried! It seems as if the world is caving in on me. I am even losing my best friend. He has changed. Please forgive me, for calling at this ungodly hour.”

 

So I said, “In the first place, since all time belong to God, there can be any ungodly hour. And in the second place, has it ever occurred to you that your best friend may just have been tired of acting the part? Why should you worry, if he has changed? Haven’t you ever changed in some ways at some times in your life? Learn to appreciate that change, is the only permanent thing in life; and everything happens for a reason.”

The Uncanny Reference

When a mother of a teenage daughter advertised to rent out a room in her flat, and a young man carrying a portable manual typewriter applied, the lady looked him over and said, “But you are a man!”  The man looked down his pants then at the lady and said, “Yes, I know! Do you discriminate?” And the lady responded, “OH, no!” So the lady let him in and showed him the room and facilities. The man then said, “Very nice! I shall take it, and I am ready to move in.” But the lady said, “Not so fast, young man! First, I have to take your reference.”

 

The young man simply smiled, set up his portable manual typewriter on the dining table and started typing; while the lady just stood there, looking in amazement. After a few minutes when the young man handed her a sheet of paper, the lady asked, “And what is this?” The young man replied, “My reference, of course!” Immediately, the lady objected and said, “But you just wrote your own reference, yourself!” The young man smiled again and said, “Yes, I know that! But who knows me, more than me?”

A Child’s Prayer

 "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and our doggy and our cat and my gold fish and me. Oh, please take care of yourself too, because if anything happens to you, we're all gonna be in a big mess. Amen."

The Priest’s Dilemma

When Reverend Father Patrick, a priest of a small congregation in town, saw a female member of his congregation sitting in a bar and drinking beer, he thought that was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should be doing. So he walked up, sat down next to the woman and said sternly, "Mrs. Johnson, this is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" obviously very drunk, she said with a slur, "Sure!" But when she stood up, she began to weave back and forth.

 

Realizing that she had had too much to drink, and the priest grabbed her arms to steady her, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. And after rolling around for a few seconds, the priest wound up laying on top of her, with her skirt hiked up to her waist. At that very moment, the bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that going on, around in this bar!" The priest looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Father Patrick." The bartender then nodded and said, "Hell then! If you're that far in you might as well finish up!"

What A Husband!

While driving her old Volvo and accidentally hit a 2016 Range Rover being driven by a younger lady, the younger lady came out screaming, “You hit my car! Why don’t you watch where you are going? You must repair my car today!” When the older lady called her husband and told him what had happened, he told her that he was too busy, and she should try and fix up things and they would meet at home later.

 

The younger lady then called her boyfriend and said, “Sweetheart, someone just hit the birthday gift you gave me! I am so angry, please come over!” And within a few minutes, the husband of the older lady arrived.

The Born-Again Syndrome

Last Sunday morning when my phone rang and I really took my own sweet time to pick up the phone, the caller queried, “Why does it have to take you forever, to answer your calls?” I simply asked, “Do you know what day, it is?” And the caller responded, “Yes, I do know that today is Sunday! And what has that got to do with it?” Then I said, “Everything, my brother! As a born-again, I don’t rush about earthly materials with frenzy anymore; especially on Sundays.” And that seemed to shock him.

 

When he recovered, he said, “You must be kidding, yes? You, born-again! And what religion, may I ask?” And as calmly as I could, I said, “It does not really matter what religion it is, because all religions are true.” And when he asked, “Can you prove that?” I said, “Yes, though there is nothing to prove, since we have always lived by them say; and considering that religion was not in creation, but the after-thought of man, you don’t need any further proof. All you need is the appreciation and toleration of these after-thoughts of men of different tribes and ethnicities, for their own people.”

 

In conclusion, I say, “Let us all be honest and admit the fact that we don’t know why we are here, and we shall never know. Just as we have managed to appreciate the fact that the world is a stage, and everyone has a different part to play, let us also appreciate that we are all entitled to our individual thoughts. May we be granted the courage to learn the art of compromise; for united we stand, divided we fall.”

Real Beauty Lies Within

The happy new mother asked, “Can I see my baby?” When the bundle was nestled in her arms and she moved the fold of cloth to look upon his tiny face, she gasped. The doctor turned quickly and looked out the tall hospital window. The baby had been born without ears. Time proved that the baby's hearing was perfect. It was only his appearance that was marred. When he rushed home from school one day and flung himself into his mother's arms, she sighed, knowing that his life was to be a succession of heartbreaks. He blurted out the tragedy, “A boy, a big boy called me a freak.” 

He grew up, handsome for his misfortune. A favorite with his fellow students, he might have been class president, but for that. He developed a gift, a talent for literature and music. “But you might mingle with other young people,” his mother reproved him, but felt a kindness in her heart. The boy's father had a session with the family physician. Could nothing be done? “I believe I could graft on a pair of outer ears, if they could be procured,” the doctor decided. Whereupon the search began, for a person who would make such a sacrifice for a young man.

 

Two years went by. Then, “You are going to the hospital, Son. Mother and I have someone who will donate the ears you need. But it's a secret,” said the father. The operation was a brilliant success, and a new person emerged. His talents blossomed into genius, and school and college became a series of triumphs. Later he married and entered the diplomatic service. “But I must know!” He urged his father, 
“Who gave so much for me? I could never do enough for him.” The father said, “I do not believe you could, but the agreement was that you are not to know. Not yet.”

The years kept their profound secret, but the day did come, one of the darkest days that a son must endure. He stood with his father over his mother's casket. Slowly, tenderly, the father stretched forth a hand and raised the thick, reddish-brown hair to reveal that the mother had no outer ears. “Mother said she was glad she never let her hair be cut,” he whispered gently, “and nobody ever thought Mother less beautiful, did they?” Real beauty lies not in the physical appearance, but in the heart. Real treasure lies, not in what that can be seen, but what that cannot be seen. Real love lies not in what is done and known, but in what that is done but not known.

Creating Good Neighbourliness

A farmer in ancient China had a neighbour who was a hunter that owned ferocious and poorly trained hunting dogs. The dogs frequently jumped over the fence and chased the farmer's lambs. And when the farmer asked his neighbour to keep his dogs in check, his request fell on deaf ears. One day the dogs again jumped the fence, attacked and severely injured several of the lambs. The farmer had had enough, and went to town to consult a judge who listened carefully to the story and said, "I could punish the hunter and instruct him to keep his dogs chained or lock them up. But you would lose a friend and gain an enemy. Which would you rather have, friend or foe for a neighbour?" The farmer replied that he preferred a friend. And the judge said, “Alright, I will offer you a solution that keeps your lambs safe, and which will keep your neighbour a friend." Having heard the judge's solution, the farmer agreed.

 

Once at home, the farmer immediately put the judge's suggestions to the test. He took three of his best lambs and presented them to his neighbour's three small sons, who were beside themselves with joy and began to play with them. And to protect his son's newly acquired playthings, the hunter built a strong kennel for his dogs. Since then, the dogs never again bothered the farmer's lambs. Out of gratitude for the farmer's generosity toward his sons, the hunter often shared the game he had hunted with the farmer. And rhe farmer reciprocated by sending the hunter lamb meat and cheese he had made. Within a short time the neighbours became good friends.

 

*A saying in old China went something like this, “One can win over and influence people the best with gestures of kindness and compassion.”

*And there is a similar Western saying, “One catches more flies with honey than with vinegar."

*Let us make an effort to make a pact that we will be polite when we speak and not make rude and sarcastic remarks at every opportunity we get, especially with our families, friends.

True Love

A brother defines true love as when your husband catches you naked and in the arms of another man, and he still says to you, “Honey, get dressed and let us go home;” and death is when you agree to follow him home.

We All Have Our Different Stories

 When a 24 year old boy looking out through a train's window exclaimed, “Dad, look! The trees are going behind! They are moving very fast!" His dad simply stared at him with so much joy, and smiled. A young couple seated nearby looked at the 24 year old and thought to themselves, “He's so grown up but so childish. He must have a mental disorder for his father not to be bothered.” Suddenly the young man exclaimed again, “Dad, look! The clouds are running with us!"

 

The young couple could not resist and said to the old man, “Why don't you take your son to a good doctor, may be a psychiatrist? The old man smiled and said, “I just did. We are just coming from a doctor, but not a psychiatrist. We are just coming from the hospital. My son was blind from birth. He just got his sight today for the very first time. His behavior may seem stupid to you, but it's more than a miracle to me.” The young couple just sat down there, lost for words with a mixture of tears and shame in their eyes.

 

Everyone on earth has a story, so don't judge people so fast or jump into conclusion about their private affairs. You don't know where they are coming from or what they have to deal with. The truth behind their story might surprise you. Take it easy with others, even if you have a perfect life. And let us keep working towards the good of all.

Being Clever By Half

While a woman was golfing one day, she hit the ball into the woods. And when she went into the woods to look for it, she found a frog in a trap, and it said, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.” The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get, times ten!"

 

The woman said, "That's okay. For my first wish, I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world.”

The frog warned, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman said, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM, she became the most beautiful woman in the world!

 

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "And that will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." And the woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM, she became the richest woman in the world! And when the frog asked for her third wish, she said, “I'd like to have a mild heart attack."

 

*Women are clever. Don't mess with them. For all female readers, this is the end of the joke for you. So stop reading and continue feeling good about yourselves.

 

*Male readers, please scroll down.

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So the man had a mild heart attack, but ten times milder than his wife had.

 

*Since women think they're really smart, allow them to continue to think that way; while you just enjoy the show.

 

*If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

 

*Share with all the guys for a good laugh, and all the ladies who have a good sense of humour.

Some Random Facts_1

 1.       After an Islamic cleric blamed women who dress provocatively for earthquakes in 2010, 100,000 women joined for a "Boobquake" to test the theory. Nothing happened.

2.       The Illacme tobini is a millipede that has 414 legs, no eyes, 200 poison glands, and four penises.

3.       One-third of Chinese women have never heard of tampons.

4.       A woman's vaginal muscles can take up to 6 months to get back to their normal shape and size after childbirth.

5.       Google has a comprehensive timeline of everything you do with their products, called "My Activity", including websites you visited with Chrome, You Tube Videos, Music and apps you use on your Android.

6.       White tigers carry a gene that is only present in around 1 in every 10,000 tigers.

7.       American commuters collectively waste 5.5 billion hours per year in traffic, releasing into the atmosphere an unnecessary 56 billion pounds of CO2,

8.       Fidel Castro took personal responsibility for the persecution suffered by homosexuals in Cuba.

9.       A recent study estimates that mass-adoption of self-driving cars could reduce over 90% of traffic accidents.

10.   The Navy once delivered mail for the Post Office via missile.

The Nun That Fainted

When three nuns were discussing their various experiences on the job, the first nun said, "I was cleaning in the Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? I found a bunch of pornographic magazines." And when the second nun asked, "So, What did you do?" She replied, "Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

 

The second nun then said, "Well, I can top that! I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" The other nuns gasped, "Oh my! And what did you do?" She smiled cynically and said, "I just poked holes in all of them!" Immediately, the third nun screamed, “Holy Mary! Mother of Jesus!” and fainted.

The Biblical Thief

One night when a home owner caught a man removing items within his home, and screamed at him, “What the hell do you think you are doing, stealing my things?” The man said, "Like I told you in the bible, I come like a thief! Blessed is the one who stays awake and remains clothed, so as not to go naked and be shamefully exposed." And the home owner then said, “Very well! You have fallen into the hands of Pontius Pilate again! “

Economic Reasoning

Spurred by the economic recession, a man went to his son’s school, met with principal and said, “I want to negotiate my son’s school fees.” And the principal asked, “And how do you wish to go about that?” So the man asked, “In consideration of the fact that I want my son to become a medical doctor, and not an explorer; what will the fee be, if we remove, History, Geography and Physical Education?”

The Great Weekend

One Friday evening, a white haired old man with one arm around the waist of a beautiful young girl, walked into a jewelry store and told the jeweler, “I feel favoured with my beautiful girlfriend, and you are the man to sell me a very special ring for her.” Without any hesitation, jeweler brought out a £10,000 ring and showed it to him. But the old man said, “l don't think you understand, l really want something very special.'' With that type of statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring and said, “Here's a stunning ring at only £50,000.''

 

At the sight of the ring, the young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body visibly trembled with great excitement. The old man then smiled and said, “That is more like it! We'll take it.'' And when the jeweler asked how payment would be made, the old man said, “By cheque of course! l know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.” Early Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man and said, “There's no money in that account.” And the old man responded, “Yes, I know! But can you imagine the great weekend I had?”

Collective Happiness

After a group of 50 people attending a seminar were seated, the speaker handed each person a balloon and asked to write his/her name on it using a marker. Thereafter, all the balloons were collected and put in another room. The delegates were then let into that room and asked to find the balloon which had their respective names written on it within 5 minutes. And after a while of pushed and collided with each other in utter chaos while frantically searching for the balloons with their names, no one could find their own balloons at the end of 5 minutes.

 

Then each one was asked to randomly pick a balloon and give it to the person whose name was written on it. Within a few minutes everyone had their own balloons. The speaker then said, “This is exactly what is happening in our lives. Everyone is frantically looking for happiness all around, not knowing where it is. Our happiness lies in the happiness of other people. When you help others to find their happiness, you will also surely find your own happiness, and easier too.”

The Way Jesus Went

When a very popular pastor was dying in a hospital, he said to his doctor, “I can see it clearly now! Before I die, I would like you to do me a favour.” And the doctor said, “Sure! And what might that be?” And the pastor said, “I would like to see a senator and a judge.” When the senator and judge arrived, the pastor motioned them to sit one on his left and the other on his right. He then struggled and raised his both hands that they may hold on to his hands. With his hands now firmly in theirs, he remain quiet.

 

After the duo of senator and judge who were deeply moved by this gesture recovered from their deep thoughts, they said, “We are certainly most honoured to be here! But why did you invite us?” And with what seemed like his last breath, the pastor said, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that is the way I wish to go!”

The Dead Pussy

 When an old lady had to go to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat, she boarded the bus and whispered to the driver, “I have a dead pussy.” The driver smiled, pointed to a seat in a row behind him and said, “Very well, sit with my wife. You both have a lot in common.”

A Life Of Compromise

 When a woman opened her purse to pay for her shopping at the cash counter and the cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse, he couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today.” (Lesson: Accompany your wife.)

 

The shopkeeper laughed and took back all the items the lady had purchased. Shocked at this act, she asked the shopkeeper what he was doing. He said, "Your husband has blocked your credit card." (Lesson: Respect the hobbies of your husband.) The wife then took out her husband's credit card from her purse and swiped. Unfortunately he didn't block his own card. (Lesson: Don't underestimate the power of a WIFE.)

 

After swiping, the machine indicated, “ENTER OTP SENT TO YOUR MOBILE.” (Lesson: When man tends to lose, machine is smart enough to save him!) And when she turned back with depression, her mobile rang and showed a forwarded SMS, "Your OTP is..." Finally she paid for her items and returned home happily. (Lesson: Not all men are bad. Good men always put their families first at all times.)