An Uncanny Arrangement

I love peace, happiness, and envy happy marriages. So one day, I decided to pick the brains of a brother who seems to have a happy marriage and I asked, "What is the secret behind your happy marriage?" He smiled and said, "Over the years, we have learned to share all and every one of our responsibilities with due love and respect for each other. And we haven’t had any real problems with our arrangement. She never objects to my decisions and I never object to hers." I chewed over this for a very short while, thought it was too vague for my consumption, and asked for details.

Then he added, “In our home, I take decisions on bigger issues like whether America should attack Iran or North Korea, whether Britain should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe, whether Biafra should be formed or not, whether Sanchez should leave Arsenal or not, a-nd whom should Davido marry; while my wife decides on smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit the super market, when and where to go on vacation, which sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, how to manage our monthly expenses and whether to keep a maid or not.”

Her Fathom Rape Charge

A lady walked up to the Desk Sergeant in a Police Station and hysterically said, “I would like to file rape charges against my next door neighbour who has just raped me for two hours.” The Sergeant quizzically looked the lady over, scratched his head and said, “Rape is a very serious crime! But madam, the incident lasted for two hours; and besides, the guy is so skinny, you’re about twice his size. Why didn’t you put up any form of resistance?” And the lady responded, “I just didn’t want to take the law into my hands!”

Their Hypocrisy

Haven managed to survive various types of exterminations at different homes, a group of rats met, discussed and resolved to move into a church in their neighbourhood. And one day when one of them narrowly escaped being caught in a trap, it screamed, “Holy Moses! They also have traps here!!” And another retorted, “And they even call themselves Christians!!!”

Time, At Different Times

1.       Time is slow when you WAIT!

2.       Time is fast when you are LATE!

3.       Time is deadly when you are SAD!

4.       Time is short when you are HAPPY!

5.       Time is endless when you are in PAIN!

6.       Time is long when you feel BORED!

7.       And at every time, time is determined by your feelings and psychological conditions; and never by any clocks. So be determined at having a nice time ALWAYS!

Her Secret, For Her Well Being

When a lady was asked, “What do you use, that makes your complexion so beautiful, and your whole being so bright and attractive?” She smiled and responded, “All I use is Truth for my lips, Kindness for my voice, Compassion for my ears, Charity for my hands, Uprightness for my figure, Love for my heart, and Prayers and Forgiveness for all those who do not like me!”

Some Random Facts_14

1.       90% of Britons eat pizza at least once a week.

2.       The Statue of Liberty employs gum-cleaning staff who use specially designed "GumBuster" machines.

3.       A grasshopper becomes more sociable if you stroke its hind legs.

4.       In Sweden, IKEA is pronounced "ee-kay-uh" not "eye-kee-ah". The word is made up of the initials of the founder's name and the village he grew up in.

5.       During Germany's hyperinflation that peaked in 1923, a loaf of bread cost 428 billion marks and a kilo of butter would run you roughly 6 trillion.

6.       32% of journeys in Amsterdam are by bicycle, while in Copenhagen it's 35%.

7.       The Quandt family, one of the richest in Germany and the largest shareholder of BMW, took over scores of Jewish businesses and used tens of thousands of slave labourers at its factories during Adolf Hitler's Third Reich.

8.       U.S. television networks allow alcohol to be advertised as long as no one in the commercial is actually drinking it.

Some Random Quotes_4

1.       Destiny belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams, and the courage to pursue them.

2.       A pure heart is the greatest temple in the world.

3.       The best thing in life is finding someone who knows all your flaws, mistakes and weaknesses, and still thinks that you’re completely amazing.

4.       Don’t try to be someone else, that you may not miss the Creator’s one-of-a-kind purpose for you.

5.       I learned to give not because I have many, but because I know exactly how it feels, not to have nothing.

6.       Anger is only one letter short of danger.

7.       If someone betrays you once, shame on him; but If he betrays you twice, shame on you.

8.       While small minds discuss people, and average minds discuss events, great minds discuss ideas.

9.       While God gives every bird its food, He does not throw it into its nest.

10.   While he who loses money loses much, and he who loses a friend loses more, he who loses faith loses all.

Our Life’s Learning Process

In this world, everything happens for a purpose. So as we travel on this our journey called life, may we be granted the ability to appreciate that;

1.       Anything that annoys us is teaching us, patience.

2.       Anyone who abandons us is teaching us, how to stand up on our own two feet.

3.       Anything that angers us is teaching us, forgiveness and compassion.

4.       Anything that seems to have power over us is teaching us, how to take our power back.

5.       Anything that we hate is teaching us, unconditional love.

6.       Anything that we fear is teaching us, the courage to overcome our fears.

7.       Anything that we can’t control is teaching us, how to let go.

8.       And regardless of how unproductive and filthy our past may have been, our future is still spotless. Therefore, we must never start our day with the broken pieces of yesterday, because every day is a fresh start.

9.       Each day is a new beginning.

10.   And every morning we wake up, is the first day of the rest of our life.

The Difference Between Complete And Finished

When the Speaker during a Seminar said, “No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words ‘COMPLETE and FINISHED’,” most of the participants said, “There is no difference between ‘COMPLETE and FINISHED’.” But one participant disagreed and said, “But there are! When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED! And when your wife catches you with another woman, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!! But when your wife is addicted to shopping, you are FINISHED COMPLETELY!!!”

Her Sympathetic Response

While a 75 year old man and his wife were walking on the beach and he suddenly caught himself unconsciously lusting after some bikini-clad young girls, he turned to his wife and asked, “Honey, do you feel angry when you see me running after young girls?” His wife pressed his hand, gave him a sympathetic smile and said, “No, not at all, darling! Even dogs chase after cars they can’t drive!!”

Some Random Quotes_3

1.       Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life by turning what we have into enough and more, denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity, a meal into a feast, a house into a home and a stranger into a friend.

2.       A kind heart is a fountain of gladness that turns everything in its vicinity into smiles.

3.       Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.

4.       The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

5.       The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg; it's about what you're made of, not the circumstances.

6.       Every good that is worth possessing must be paid for in strokes of daily effort. So never postpone and postpone, until those smiling possibilities are dead.

7.       He that would have the fruit must climb the tree.

8.       Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.

9.       The roots of all health are in the brain while the trunk is in its emotion, the branches and leaves in the body and the flowers of health blooms when all parts work together.

10.   Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

The Bragging Catholics

When four Catholic men and one Catholic woman were having coffee, the first Catholic man said, “My son is a Priest, and when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.” And the second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop, and when he walks into a room, people call him ‘Your Grace’.” Then the third Catholic man said, “My son is a Cardinal, and when he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”

As the first three Catholic men held their breath for more testimonies, the forth Catholic man said, “My son is the Pope, and when he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.” And since the lone Catholic woman seemed busy sipping her coffee in silence, the four Catholic men gave her a subtle, “Well?” She then smiled and proudly replied, “Well, I have a beautiful daughter who is slim, tall, with 38D breasts, 24” waist and 34” hips. And when she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God.”

His Easier Solution

When the Judge asked an accused husband, “Why did you shoot your wife, instead of shooting her lover?” The husband responded, lover?” The husband responded, “Your honour, it’s easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.”

Some Random Facts_13

1.       The Indonesian word for water is air.

2.       Prostitutes in the Netherlands pay taxes.

3.       The Netherlands closed eight prisons in 2013, due to lack of criminals

4.       The Netherlands has more bicycles than people, 1.3 per person.

5.       The extinct Ubykh language, spoken in the Caucasus until 1992, holds the record for most consonants: it had 83 but only two vowels.

6.       You would have to click a mouse ten million times to burn a single calorie.

7.       The average intelligence of humans has risen 20 IQ points since 1950, a study found.

8.       Bears have favourite trees and will walk for miles just to scratch their backs on them.

9.       Professional baseball players have an average visual acuity of 20/12, much better than the "good" 20/20 vision most people have.

10.   Ph.D. students display twice as many symptoms of psychiatric disorders, such as depression, than other people.

On Self Preservation

It’s in your own interest to always forget those who have hurt you, but never forget those who love you every day. And also forget the past that makes you cry, that you may enjoy the present that makes you smile.

An Uncanny Suicide Attempt

After what seemed like the mother of all quarrels, a wife rushed into the bathroom, locked the door and started crying like she had never cried before. And when the husband worried that she might do something silly, went to the door and pleaded with her to come out, she said, “Leave alone to hang myself! I am sick and tired of being told that I am not good at this and that, can’t cook, not good in bed and stupid. I can’t take it anymore!!”

Afraid that she might really harm herself, the husband broke down the door and found her on the floor with a rope tied to her toe. Amazed and amused at such a sight, the husband said, "I thought you were going to hang yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" Then the husband added, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck! So why is yours tied on your toe?" And she replied, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe!"

Their Insatiability

While wondering why women always love to receive, a brother quipped, “And they are always complaining! Never satisfied, considering that all men are millionaires, at least by their sperm count; and even those millions are always spent on women.”

Proposed Cyber Marriage

After dinner one lovely evening, a daughter held her father’s hands and said, “Dad, I’m in love with a guy who lives far away [n Alaska. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebok, have been having long chats WhatsApp and we have proposed to each other on Skype. And now that we’ve had over two months relationship over cyber, I need your blessings and good wishes.” And the father exclaimed, “Wow! Really!! Then go ahead and get married on Twitter, buy your children on e-bay, and send them through gmail. And eventually when you are fed up with your husband, just sell him off on OXL!!!”

The Bee Sting, Between Two Holes

A young woman taking golf lessons had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. And when her pain became too intense, she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro on seeing her heading back so soon asked, “You are back so early! What’s wrong?” And the woman replied, “I was stung by a bee!” Then the pro asked, “Where?” And when the woman said, “Between the first and second hole,” the pro exclaimed, “Oh, no! Your stance may have been far too wide!!”

The Saggy Boobs’ Conversation

While when in the shower and the right boob asked the left boob, “Are you worried about what I am worried about?” The left boob replied, “Hell No! But what are you worried about that you think I should also be worried about?” And the right boob responded, “Our shagginess, of course! Me think we better get some support quick, before someone thinks we're some old nuts!!"

Some Facts, About World Religions

1.       While Wicca might seem like an ancient religion, and has roots in European fertility cults, it actually wasn't introduced until the 1950’s.

2.       In Buddhism, Nirvana isn't a place reached through death but is instead a state achieved through enlightenment, which can sometimes take multiple reincarnations.

3.       In Catholicism there are patron saints for nearly everything including beekeepers (Saint Ambrose), headaches (Saint Bibiana), and coffee (Saint Drogo).

4.       For Hanukkah, menorahs burn through 44 candles, adding one candle each of the 8 nights, plus the "shamash," a candle used to light the others each night.

5.       The three "main" gods (aka the "trimurti" or "three forms") worshiped by Hindus are Brahma the creator, Vishnu the preserver, and Shiva the destroyer. There are also many more gods and goddesses ("devas" and "devis") that are also acknowledged.

6.       Converting to Islam requires three main things: a formal statement of faith (shahadah) in front of one to three witnesses; proclaiming there is only one God, that Muhammad is God's prophet; and converting freely, not by force.

7.       Mormons aren't allowed to drink tea, coffee, or alcohol (but soda’s okay!).

8.       Some faiths require believers to refuse medical treatment. For example, Jehovah’s Witnesses aren't allowed to receive blood transfusions, and Christian Scientists often refuse all traditional medical treatment.

9.       Some religious denominations refuse modern technology; members of the Amish religion do without electricity or telephones.

10.   While the US has a separation of church and state, some countries are controlled by one religion, though a true modern theocracy is rare (Vatican City is an example).

11.   Christianity is currently the world's largest religion. Islam the second and Hinduism the third.

Some Random Facts_12

1.       The London Underground trains were originally steam powered.

2.       Hundreds of Jews from Amsterdam were fined for being late with their rent during their incarceration in World War II concentration camps.

3.       La Sagrada Familia, in Spain, will take longer to complete than the Great Pyramid of Egypt.

4.       There is a common Chinese idiom that states, "The ugly wife is a treasure at home."

5.       A sapiosexual is a person who is sexually attracted to intelligence in others.

6.       Kummerspeck (‘grief bacon') is German for the weight put on from eating too much when feeling sorry for yourself.

7.       The U.S. Embassy in Moscow caught fire in 1977. Sensitive information was stolen by several fire fighters who were also KGB agents.

8.       Spain has more tourists than residents. 75 million people visited Spain in 2016, while only 46 million people live there.

An Uncanny Prescription

A lady went to her doctor and complained, “Doctor, I can’t take it anymore! I am exhausted because my husband wants sex all the time!! What should I do?” And the doctor smiled, gave her one of her business cards and said, “Give him this, and ask him to see me!”

You Are Never Alone

In the midst of hard times, it’s easy to look around and see a bunch of people who seem to be doing just fine.  But they’re not.  We’re all struggling in our own way. You better believe it, because it is true that so many of us are fighting exactly the same, or similar battle as you.  We are all in this together. And if we could just be brave enough to open up about it, and talk to each other, we’d realize that we are not alone in feeling lost and alone. So no matter how embarrassed or pathetic you feel about your own situation, know that there are others out there experiencing the same emotions.  When you hear yourself say, “I am all alone,” know it’s just your worried mind trying to sell you a lie.  There’s always someone who can relate to you. You may not be able to immediately talk to them, but they are out there.

If you’re feeling desperate right now, be consoled by the fact that many of us often feel, think and struggle much like you do. We care about many of the things you care about, only just in my own way.  Although some people do not understand us, we understand each other. YOU are never alone! And one of life’s greatest gifts is the fact that life is difficult. Because in dealing with life’s difficulties, we build invaluable strength that enables us to successfully fulfill our deepest and most meaningful purposes. It is precisely because life is difficult that we work hard to rise above the difficulties, to be able to make it great, make a difference and truly matter. When times are tough, we must resolve to be tougher.

Patience Produce Great Things

They say, “Easy comes easy goes, and so are instant results; for instant results, are rarely the best results.” If your desires were always fulfilled immediately, you would have nothing to look forward to; and would miss out on the joys of anticipation and progress. And you may also not be able to greatly expand your potentials. That is why great things require patience to achieve. Patience is not just about waiting, but about the ability to keep a good attitude while working hard for what you believe in.  It’s the willingness to stay focused, confidently taking one small step at a time, and knowing that the way you move a mountain is by moving one stone at a time.  Every stone you move, no matter how small, is progress. The bottom line is, you deserve more than mere instant gratification; because any value that arrives in an instant is often gone in an instant. But any value that takes time and commitment to create often outlives you, the creator.

Sometimes when we’re struggling to achieve something important, we make the mistake of looking to other people to validate our progress. But the truth is, they can’t and you shouldn’t, because you are not in this world to live up to the expectations of others, nor should you feel that others are here to live up to yours. You are a unique individual, so pave your own unique path.  What success means to each of us is totally different and relative.  Success is ultimately all about spending your time and life happily in your own way. You don’t have to be flashy to be impressive, famous to be significant, a celebrity to be successful and certainly don’t need to be validated by anyone else.  You are already valuable.  You just need to believe in yourself and what you wish to achieve. You can be quietly humble and still be amazingly effective. Just because people don’t fall at your feet and worship you, doesn’t mean you are a failure. Quiet success is just as sweet, as loud, as flamboyant, and usually far more real.  Success is how you define it, not what everyone else says it must be for you; and that is the reward of patience.

At A Catholic Church Seminar

During a Catholic Church seminar, a senior priest asked, “What does a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?” And an old lady answered, “Their balls are just for decoration.”

At An Ethics Class

During an Ethics lecture when the Professor asked, “What do politicians and diapers have in common?” A student answered, “They both require to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.”

Importance Of The Present

Life is lived here and in the present with the reality of the way things are, and not in some distant and imagined land of someday where and when everything is perfect. Yes, by all means you can work toward an idealized tomorrow; but to do so you must successfully deal with the world as it is today. Sometimes we avoid experiencing exactly where we are because we have developed a belief, based on past experiences, that it is not where we should be or want to be.  But the truth is, where you are now is exactly where you need to be to get to where you want to go tomorrow.  So appreciate where you are. Always appreciate that your friends and family are too beautiful and precious to ignore, so take a moment to remember them, and also be grateful for how fortunate you are to be breathing. And with your eyes earnestly open, take a good look around to see all the available possibilities before you. Much of what you fear do not exist, and much of what you love is closer than you realize; because you are just one brief thought away from understanding the great blessing that is your life.

Though happiness is a mind-set that can only be designed into the present, and not a point in the future or a moment from the past; yet sadly, its misconception hurts the masses.  So many young people seem to think all their happiness awaits them in the years ahead, while so many older people believe their best moments are behind them.  Don’t be either of them.  Don’t let the past and the future steal your present. There is always, always, always something to be thankful for. Life is better when you’re smiling, and being positive in any negative situation is not being naive; but a sign of maturity, strength and leadership. It means you’re doing it right when you have so much to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and appreciate your life instead. What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things, that you were thankful for today? Think of all the beauty that remains around you, see it and smile.  Be thankful for all the small things in your life, because when you put them all together you will see just how significant they are.  At the end of the day, it’s not happiness that makes us thankful, but thankfulness that makes us happy.

The Cheating Wife

Come bedtime, an angry wife thrust a box of condoms at her husband’s face and asked, “You miserable cheat, this box comes six condoms in a pack and we have only used one. How come only three, are left?” And when the husband replied, “Emmm, when you were out last night, Tunde came, said he had a hot date and borrowed two.” The wife screamed, “You bloody liar! Tunde didn’t use condom!!” And the husband exclaimed, “Say WHAT!!!”

Some Random Facts_11

1.       Chocolate milk was invented in Jamaica.

2.       The FBI started compiling a file on Sacha Baron Cohen while he was filming 'Borat' after receiving numerous complaints about a strange man travelling around the country in an ice cream truck.

3.       In 1932, Thomas Earl, a zookeeper at the Cleveland Brookside Zoo, was fired from his job, then mauled by a brown bear and mistakenly shot by police.

4.       An unborn baby can taste what its mother is eating and develop a preference for the foods that she eats.

5.       Ancient Egyptians used to wear hair extensions.

6.       The U.S. could feed 800 million people with the grain used to feed the country's livestock.

7.       Roman Emperor Tiberius banned kissing; believing it caused the spread of a fungal disease called mentagra (inflamed hair follicles).

8.       Albert Einstein walked 3 miles a day while Darwin went for three 45-minute walks every day.