The Interfering Wife

When old Max, owner of a National chain of jewelry stores lay dying, he called his wife to his side and said, “Hannah, I always meant to draw up a will but somehow I never got around to it. So pay close attention to my last wishes.” And his wife wept and then said, “Yes, Max, I am listening. Whatever you want will be done.” And Max started, “First of all, the business I leave to Harry.” But his wife protested, “Oh no Max, not to Harry! With Harry it’s girl-girls-girls! Leave the business to Jerome. He’s at least reliable and has a good head for figures.” And the dying man sighed, “Alright, let it be Jerome. To Harry I leave the stocks and bonds.” And again, his wife protested, “Better you should leave me the stocks and bonds. I should take care he doesn’t squander it on women or cards.” Again, the husband agreed, “Very well, in your name I leave the securities.”

And Max continued, “And the summer house I leave to our sweet Minnie.” The wife then exclaimed, “Minnie! For what does Minnie need another summer house? Her husband didn’t buy her one last year? Give it to Anna, her husband is a poor man. After all she’s our flesh and blood too.” And Max sighed resignedly, “Fine! Anna gets the summer house. And to our youngest Abe, I leave the car and the warehouses.” But when the wife again protested, “But Abe has already 2 cars. What does he need with another one? And he wants to be a musician, what would he do with warehouses? Take my advice and give them to Louis.” That did it! Old Max had taken all he could of his wife’s interference. Raising himself off the pillow and summoning his last ounce of strength, he snapped, “Hannah, you are a good woman and have been a fine wife and mother. But listen, who the hell, is dying around here, you or me?”

Why We Are In This State

As a Nation, we are not poor because we lack natural and human resources, or because nature has been cruel towards us. We are poor and in this state because we lack, (1) Ethics, as basic principles. (2) Integrity. (3) Responsibility. (4) The respect for our Laws and Regulations. (5) The respect and care for the masses. (6) The love for honest work. (7) The effort to save and invest. (8) The will to be productive. (9) Punctuality.

We are in this state because we want to take advantage over everything and everyone. We are in this state because we see something being done wrong and we say, “Let it be.” We should stop spending all our time wishing someone else will do all the work. We should do less talking, and have more work done. We should stop proclaiming to know it all, and listen to wise counseling. Only when we develop our attitude for caring and contentment shall will we, be able to change our present state.

How To Stop Her Shopping

A man approached a beautiful lady in the Mall and said, “Hey! May I chat with you for a moment?” And the lady asked, “Who, me and why?” And the man replied, “Yeah, you. Just for a minute. It’s the only way to get my wife to stop shopping. Strike up a conversation with a pretty lady.”

The Disappearing Diner

One day when a man and a beautiful woman were seated for dinner in a fine restaurant, their waitress who was taking another order at a table a few paces away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

But when the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, as if unaware that her dining companion had disappeared, the waitress came over to her and said, "Pardon me ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.” The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

A Vindictive Husband

When a Judge said to a woman, “For stealing one can of peaches with 6 peaches in it, I’m going to have to put in jail for six nights. A night for each peach.” Her husband immediately sprang up and said, “Your honour, as her husband, I can tell she also once stole a can of peas!”

Where Your Wealth Is Worthless

As the dying rich man lay on his deathbed grieving over his inability to take his wealth with him, and the angel of death appeared, he implored him to please plead with God on his behalf, to be allowed to at least take some of his wealth with him. A moment later, the angel reappeared and informed him that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man picked his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars, held tight to the suitcase and died.

When he got to the Gates of Heaven with his large suitcase and Saint Peter said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here." The man explained that he had God’s permission to bring one suitcase of his wealth with him. But when the suitcase was opened for inspection, Saint Peter exclaimed, "You brought pavement slabs!"

Applying Self-Counseling

After the sermon during a Sunday service, the pastor announced, “Our next marriage counseling session shall be at 8 pm on the first Saturday of next month.” Surprisingly, one husband stood up and said, “Oh well, my wife and I have a great relationship. We don’t need marriage counseling.” And the congregation chorused, “How so? How do you manage it?” Then the husband explained, "Well, my wife is a good communicator and I’m a good actor. When she communicates, I just act like I'm listening." 

The Root Of All Our National Miseries

There is nothing wrong with honestly earning your own money, spending your own money, and even wanting to honestly earn more money. It is the mindless and insane obsession with money, the mindless and insane obsession to acquire un-earned money, and an unlimited mindless and insane desire for more money; that is the root of all our National miseries.

When Applying Hospital Rules

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. So, while working as a student nurse, she found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need her help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her wheel him to the elevator. On the way down when she asked him if his wife was meeting him, he responded, “I don't know. She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

God, Are You Really Watching Over Nigeria?

Dear God, please accept my humble submission, before my self-righteous and know-it-all, brothers and sisters demand for my head; for asking the above simple question. As usual and always sounding like a broken record, they would say, “You can’t question God. God does things at His own time. Our ways are not the ways of God.” But considering that we were all made in Your own image and likeness, why am I so confused that I fail to know and understand You, the same way that they claim to know and understand You and Your ways? And considering that You have made us all the way we are, why have You made our Lawmakers so lawless and heartless; and made the rest of us so ignorant, gullible and docile?

We have prayed, wept and even written in tears, but they said, “Go ahead and write till the cows come home. After all, most people can’t read. And the rest are ignorant, gullible and docile.” And when I ask, “Why does God sit down and watch while our treasuries are being looted, our lawmakers are busy tinkering with our laws to save their skins and also tinkering with our national budget; while Nigerians are dying?” I know those who claim to know God will say, “God does things at His own time.” Of what use will that be to us, when we would have all suffered and died? They said, “And God said, let there be light.” And pronto, there was light.

So dear God, why don’t You just say, “Let all looted funds and properties be returned, and all looters match to jail.” That will save us all now, before we are all dead; and we don’t have to wait for the Truth Syrup, being formulated by our Herbalists.

For A Man’s Happy Life

A series of studies have unanimously confirmed that, there are five major rules a man should follow for a happy life. The first rule is to have a woman who is capable of helping at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job. The second rule is to have a woman who can make you laugh. The third rule is to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you. The fourth rule is to have a woman who is good in bed, and loves to be with you. And the fifth and most important rule of all is that these four women should never ever know, or meet each other. 

Enough Of Divorce

When a man was asked, “When are you getting married again?” He retorted, “Me, get married again!!! I have decided that instead of getting married, I’m just going to look for a woman I don’t like, and give her a house.”

Nigeria Shall Become A Great Nation

I had a dream, that one day Nigeria shall become a great Nation, with honest, humble and caring leaders: and that will be after we have launched our, “Truth Syrup.” In my dream, I was transported back to my roots, where I was privileged to attend a National Convention of Herbalists. And the theme was, “Developing A Truth Syrup, To Save Nigeria.” As speaker after speaker proffered various methodologies, I couldn’t believe I still had the ability to listen with so much rapt attention.

In a nutshell, they unanimously opined that, since they already know and have the formulae to Herb ally induce Hallucination and Ecstasy, they can produce a Truth Syrup just as easily. The Truth Syrup shall be administered to all Law makers, Administrators, Law Enforcement Officials, and all the self-acclaimed religious leaders. The overwhelming effects of the Truth Syrup shall induce Truthfulness and Honesty, and they shall voluntarily refund all looted funds and properties, Nationwide and Worldwide.

Then they concluded, “Nigeria shall cease to have, Lawless, Arrogant, Greedy, Clueless and Heartless Lawmakers, Administrators, Law Enforcement Officials and Religious Leaders. And Nigeria shall be free.” They then chorused a new National Anthem, which I am still trying to remember.

Why Nigeria Should Not Go Borrowing Again.

Nigeria should not go borrowing again, because we should have within Nigeria, much more than we wish to borrow. In my broadcast of April 08, 2016 titled, “Let Us Fix Nigeria Now – Part One,” I reproduced my broadcast of May 29, 2015 titled, “Nigeria Has No Business, With Indebtedness.” As we speak, we have many simple avenues to get as much money as we need, in Nigeria.

The first avenue is to ask our Central Bank to produce a list of all account holders, whose accounts total One Billion Naira, and more. Such accounts should be immediately frozen until the owners produce their proofs of earnings. If any of the owners have ever worked in the Government, it would be safe to assume that such money is a product of looted funds. But if the owners are in business, it will be safe to assume that such money is profit, and should be taxed accordingly.

And the second avenue is to tax all properties within Nigeria, starting from the Federal Capital Territory. And those Taxes are very easy to collect, if we adopt the American system of Property Taxation and collection. As once an American Property Tax payer, I know that if you fail to pay your Property Taxes, there are people standing by to pay them and later granted the right to sell those properties to get their investments plus very handsome interests.

Why I Am Like That

During one of those usual banters between couples, a wife said, “The problem with you, is your insensitivity for my feelings.” And the husband responded, “Honey, when I ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” I will act like nothing’s wrong. Though I know you are lying, it is just not worth the hassle. And I am not a mind reader and never will be. My lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little I care about you.”

Most Shocking Experience

Two friends were drinking in a bar and comparing experiences, when one said to the other, “When I was born, I was so shocked I couldn’t talk for a year and a half!”

Let Us Fix Nigeria Now - Part Two

“To Fix Nigeria Now, Is A Task That Must Be Done.”

It saddens me when I watch and or see our leaders (better known as misleaders) on the screen and print media, ludicrously trying to deny being corrupt. They keep acting the Ostrich that buries its head in the sand, and believes that no one is seeing it. In their gullibility, they fail to appreciate that corruption isn’t a ghost, but as physical as they come. First of all, aren’t some unfortunate employees, who prepare the fake vouchers to facilitate the looting/s? Second of all, aren’t some unfortunate employees who receive and pay all bribes into their various accounts? Third of all, aren’t some unfortunate humans who build their private vaults and state-of-the-art properties? Why then in the midst of all these, do they think their secrets are safe?

My dear looters, corrupt leaders, heartless administrators and law enforcement agents, you can fix yourselves and Nigeria, by living in that SOBER MOMENTS a little longer. I am talking about those moments when you go to receive a friend/relative who had earlier flown abroad in first class, but now being delivered to you as cargo. Those moments before a coffin is covered, when you look at the corpse and don’t see it wearing that one-in-town expensive wedding ring, the diamond rimmed gold wrist watch and ostrich leather shoes. And suddenly, you remember that neither you nor members of his or her family know some of his or her bank accounts. Though you have always mouthed the fact naked you were born, and you can’t take anything with you; you realize how much you have failed to live it.

While it is a known fact that all humans do suffer from temporary/momentary insanity, when that period becomes longer, it graduates to INSANITY proper; at which stage you are unable to differentiate between a NEED and a WANT; and that is when you would have lost the ability to live in those SOBER MOMENTS. You lose the ability to reflect, and speedily lose the ability to rationalize. That is when you begin to pick and hoard each and everything, irrespective of their usefulness to you; just like the insane does. And falsehood becomes a norm with you. Your addictions begin to increase, and you start crying to sleep. All the ghosts of the masses that you have hurt begin to haunt you, the nightmares refuse to go away, and you begin to wish you were dead like your friends and collaborators.

In Part Three, we shall discuss your THERAPY.

Let Us Fix Nigeria Now - Part One

“To Fix Nigeria Now, Is A Task That Must Be Done.”

They say, old habits die hard; and I say the fact that they die at all, makes the task much easier. And since everything on Planet Earth can be hastened, so hasten we shall, the death of our old habits. And they also say, a fish starts going bad from the head. And since our heads in this case are our administrators, lawmakers and law enforcement agencies, who fear death more than they do God, our task has once again been made easier. Though I am not advocating the death penalty for our treasury looters, corrupt leaders and heartless administrators; and before anyone come riding on their moral high horses, they should stop for a while and think about the great numbers of the masses that have died/killed through their actions.

Before we continue in Part Two, permit me to reproduce my broadcast of May 29, 2015

Nigeria Has No Business, With Indebtedness

Ladies and gentlemen, I have the pleasure and honour to welcome us to our Administration of Change. Ever since our people decided to give us the opportunity to effect Change in their lives, we have been receiving lots and lots of congratulatory and condolence messages. Congratulatory, because we have been lucky to be so honoured. Condolences, because they feel, and rightfully too, that we are taking over a Nation in deep crises; as if we didn’t know that.

They say, “We are being handed a distressed country without electricity and fuel, where workers are on strike, billions are owed to states and federal workers, 60 billion dollars are owed in national debt and the economy is virtually grounded.” As if we don’t know that. They say, “States and federal government workers are being owed, some 300 billion Naira and 400 billion Naira in salaries, respectively.” As if we don’t know that.

And I say, “We have no problems. We shall neither beg, nor borrow. How can we have any problems, when we have all the money that we will ever need to fix these problems, sitting all around us?  No one needs to be a Rocket Scientist to know that whatever we claim to own, both in properties and finance, don’t genuinely belong to us. To be able to effect the promised change, we must first and foremost, clean up this filthy stable of ours. We must stop playing the ostrich, and refund all that we didn’t deserve. When we have removed the log in our eyes, we shall then see clearly to remove the speck in our neighbours’ eyes. We shall be transparent, and play by the book.”

Though we know, that they know, that we know that whatever they claim to own don’t genuinely belong to them, we shall still enact a “Law Of Accountability/Proof Of Ownership,” among others.

1.       Every property shall be titled, and the owner shall account for it’s acquisition, with relevant tax payments.

2.       All properties that have been acquired with looted funds shall be confiscated.

3.       All monies in commercial banks and the central bank shall be identified, and if found to be looted funds, shall be confiscated otherwise, shall be taxed accordingly.

4.       All foreign account holders with looted funds shall be given an option to voluntarily refund such funds, or be arrested and detained till such funds have been repatriated.

5.       Anyone claiming a property which is suspected to have been acquired with looted funds, shall forfeit same, or be charged for receiving stolen property.

6.       No executive shall receive his or her salary/allowance, until the least paid worker has been paid.

So ladies and gentlemen, may we have the courage to say, “No to Greed, and Yes to Contentment,” that we may move this Nation to great heights.

What Would You Have Done?

While you are still musing, over my last broadcast, "The Art Of Helpfulness," you have the following.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it is 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he says, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was heavily drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" But the homeowner said, "No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed." He slams the door, goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened downstairs. And his wife said, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember the night we broke down in the rain on the way to pick the kids up from my mum, and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But this guy is heavily drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, brother." Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the kids' swing."

Note: Tomorrow, we shall start to fix Nigeria.

The Art Of Helpfulness

While sitting at the river bank, a wise old man saw a cat that had fallen into the water, flailing around, trying to save itself from drowning. The man decided to save the cat. He stretched his hand out but was scratched by the cat. He pulled his hand back in pain. However, a minute later he stretched his hand out again to save the cat, but it scratched him again, and again he pulled his hand back in pain. Another minute later he was again trying for the third time!! A man, who was nearby watching what was happening, yelled out, "O wise man, you have not learned your lesson the first time, nor the second time, and now you are trying to save the cat a third time?"

The wise man paid no heed to the man's scolding, and kept on trying until he managed to save the cat. He then walked over to the man, patted him on the shoulder and said, "My son, it is in a cat's nature to scratch, and it is in my nature to love and have sympathy. Why do you want me to let the cat's nature overcome mine?”

And the wise man continued, “My son, treat people according to your nature, not according to theirs. No matter what they are like and no matter how numerous are their actions that harm you and cause you pain sometimes. Also, do not pay heed to all the voices that loudly call out to you to leave behind your good qualities merely because the other party is not deserving of your noble actions. And never regret the moments you gave happiness to someone, even if that person doesn't appreciate, and or deserve it.”

A Case Of Gratitude

Once upon a time, there lived a king who kept ten wild dogs for the purpose of torturing to death, any erring ministers and servants. So, one day when one of the ministers gave a wrong opinion, the king immediately ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs. The minister then plead, “I have served you for 10 years, and I plead that you please give me 10 days before you throw me in with those dogs!” And the king agreed.

The minister immediately went to the guard that was in charge of those dogs, and begged that he be allowed to serve those dogs for the next 10 days. Though baffled, the guard agreed and introduced him to the dogs. In those 10 days, the minister fed, cleaned and washed the dogs, and also provided all sorts of comfort for them.

At the expiration of the 10 days, the king ordered that the minister be thrown in to the dogs for his punishment. But when he was thrown in, everyone was amazed to see the dogs licking the feet of the minister. Baffled at what he was seeing, the king exclaimed, “What happened to my dogs!!!”  And the minister said, “I served the dogs for 10 days and they didn’t forget my service. But I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at my first mistake!” Remorsefully, the king realized his ingratitude, and ordered the minister to be set free.

Lesson: Never forget the good, as soon as a problem arises.

And Jesus Called St. Peter

As Jesus was hanging on the cross, he looked out into the crowd and saw St. Peter. He then called out, "Peter! Peter! Come here." St. Peter tried to reach Jesus but the Roman soldiers around the foot of the cross pushed him back. In frustration, he looked up, and Jesus repeated, "Peter! Peter! Come here." And as St. Peter tried harder to reach the cross, the Roman soldiers again knocked him down and kicked him a few more times.

But when St. Peter heard Jesus calling to him again, he picked himself up, and with the speed of a wounded lion, dashed through between two Roman soldiers and got right up to the foot of the cross. And panting heavily, he said, "Yes Lord, I am here." And Jesus said, "Peter, I can see your house from here."

A Find In The Forest

While out hunting, a man phoned the Police and screamed, “I have just found a suitcase with a cat and four kittens in it, here in the forest!” And the Police said, “That’s terrible! Are they moving?” The man replied, “Honestly, I have no idea! But that would definitely explain the suitcase!”

Not Psychic

A teenager told his playmate, “Guess what! My Grandpa knew the exact time that he was going to die!” And his playmate exclaimed, “Wow! Was he a psychic?” But the teenager replied, “NO! The judge told him!”