Ask, And Ye Shall Receive

A man was walking through a forest pondering. As he walked, he pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt so very close to nature and even felt close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen, and even answer. So he asked, "God, are you there and listening?" And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here and listening." The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky and asked, "God, what is a million years to you?" And God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."

So the man continued to walk and ponder. He walked and pondered. Then he looked to the sky again and asked, "God, what is a million dollars to you?" And God replied, "My son, a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value. It is so little." The man then looked down, pondered a bit and looked up to the sky again and asked, "God, can I have a million dollars?" And God replied, "In a second."

The Ten Commandment’s Many Uses

After a man had spent days looking for his new hat without finding it, he decided he'd go to church on Sunday, sit at the back and during the service, would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the priest.

He told the priest, "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." The priest said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?" The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

The Dutiful Nanny

One evening during the raining season, there was a violent thunderstorm as a mother was tucking her little boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled lovingly and said, "I can't darling. I have to sleep in Daddy's room." But with a shaking voice, the little boy pleaded, "Let aunty sleep there." Then the mother asked, “Which aunty?” The little boy replied, “Aunty nanny.”

A Father’s Dilemma

When a young man went to seek for his girlfriend’s hand in marriage, the girl’s father looked him over and said, “Young man, you're coming to seek for my daughter's hand in marriage and you're chewing gum. Don’t you know, that's a sign of disrespect?” The man replied, “Sir, I chew gum only when I have been drinking and smoking. The girl’s father asked, “You mean you drink and smoke, and you're here to seek for my daughter's hand in marriage?” The man replied, “Sir, I drink and smoke only when I go to clubs.”

And when the girl’s father exclaimed, “You club too!” The man explained, “Sir, I started clubbing when I came out of prison.” Screaming at his daughter, the father said, “And you have the nerve to introduce a man who has been to prison.” Impatiently, the man interrupted and said, “I was sent to prison just because I killed a man who wouldn’t allow me to marry his daughter. I was really angry.” Immediately, the girl’s father stretched both arms and said, “That explains it, my son. You have got yourself a wife. Welcome into our family.”

Some Interesting Human Facts

1.       Men spend almost a year of their lives staring at women.

2.       Half of all women who die from homicide are killed by their current or former husbands or partners.

3.       Men lie 6 times a day, twice as often as women.

4.       If your laptop feels hot, don't put it on your lap if you're a man, it may cause infertility.

5.       In his lifetime, a man spends almost six months shaving.

6.       Men with shaved heads are perceived as an inch taller and 13% stronger than men with hair.

7.       Men with attractive wives report higher levels of satisfaction with their marriages.

8.       Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you.

9.       If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there's a 50% chance that it will make you severely sick in 2 yrs.

10.   There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There's a 9% chance that you'll meet one of them in your lifetime.

11.   Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.

12.   A person's height is determined by their father, and their weight is determined by their mother.

13.   If a part of your body "falls asleep, you can almost always wake it up, by shaking your head.

14.   There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing - Food, attractive people and danger

15.   Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side

16.   Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odour.

17.   According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years.

18.   There are so many kind of apples, that if you ate a new one everyday, it would take over 20 years to try them all.

19.   You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.

20.   People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don't.

21.   Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking.

What Causes Mad Cow Disease?

When a sexy female TV reporter with big boobs, who was preparing her article on the cause of Mad Cow Disease, she went to interview a farmer and said to the farmer, “Sir, we are here to get some information on what causes Mad Cow Disease. We shall appreciate any ideas you may have." And the farmer asked, "Do you know that a Bull screws a Cow only once a year?” Though a bit embarrassed, the reporter replied, "Well, that's a piece of valuable information. But what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?"

But the farmer continued, "Well Madam, do you know that we milk the Cow twice a day?" And blushingly, the reporter said, "Sir, this is really another great piece of information. What about the Mad Cow Disease?" And staring at her big tits, the farmer responded, "I am getting to the point madam. If I was playing with your boobs twice a day, and screwing you only once a year, wouldn't you get MAD?"

Her Tithing Source

One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor found a pink envelope containing $1000. When this happened again the next week, the pastor watched as the offering was being collected, the following Sunday. As he watched, he saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for several weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her and said, "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 every week in the collection plate." The old lady smiled and said, “Oh yes, every week my son sends me money, and from it I pay my tithe to the church." When the pastor asked, “How much does he send you?" The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week." Amazed, the pastor asked, “What does he do for a living?" The old lady proudly replied, “He is a business man. He tells people how to make quick money.”

And God Said

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious man prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured; whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, is blessed with every happiness while I go poor and suffer many indignities. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above and God said, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME."

Ignorance Cost

One evening when a daughter brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, her parents were appalled by his appearance, because he had tattoos, pierced nose, and was wearing a leather jacket and motorcycle boots. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and in confessing their concern diplomatically, the mother said, "Dear, he doesn't seem like a very nice guy."

And the daughter asked, "Oh please, Mom, if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

How She Cares

One day, a husband phoned his wife and said, “Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office, and Josephine brought me to the hospital. After making tests and taking X-rays, the doctor said the blow to my head though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injuries. But I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in my left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.”

And his wife asked, “Who is Josephine?”

The Blonde’s Alligator Shoes

While vacationing in an alligator territory, a young blonde felt it was a great opportunity to own a pair of genuine alligator shoes. But she was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. And after becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means. Be my guest. Maybe you'll be so lucky and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water with a shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly towards her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. And laid nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and angrily, she exclaimed, "Damn it! This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Three Igbos On A Train

Three Igbo men and three Yoruba men were traveling by train on a business trip. At the station, the three Yoruba men bought a ticket each, and watched as the three Igbo men bought only a single ticket. When one Yoruba man asked, "How are three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" One Igbo man replied, "You just watch and you'll see." After they all boarded the train, the Yoruba men took their respective seats but all the three Igbo men crammed into a bathroom and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train had departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The Yoruba men saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the trip, the Yoruba men decided to copy the Igbo men on their return trip and save some money. When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the Igbo men didn’t buy any ticket at all. And when one perplexed Yoruba man asked, "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" One Igbo man responded, “You just watch and you'll see." After they boarded the train, the three Yoruba men crammed into a bathroom and the three Igbo men also crammed into another one nearby. Shortly after the train had departed, one of the Igbo men left their bathroom, walked over to the bathroom where the Yoruba men were hiding, knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

Avoid Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Why Should You Earn More?

When a mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Honda motorcycle, and a well-known cardiologist walked into his shop, the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?” The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open up it’s heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?” The cardiologist paused, smiled, then leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the engine running.”

What They Fail To Appreciate

Every time I see ladies wearing clothes that reveal their body parts, I feel saddened. Though some may wish to call it fashion, I wish to humbly call it, “The lack of appreciation of one of God’s near-perfect creation.” And don’t bother to ask, “Which one of the Gods?” That should be a topic for another day; to enable us address this insanity called, “Fashion.”

Why is it so difficult for some ladies to appreciate that, most precious creations are well covered and protected? Take Diamonds for instance, they are covered in the ground. Pearls are at the bottom of the ocean, covered and protected in shells. Gold is covered with layers of rocks and to get them, you will have to work hard and dig deep. To get these precious creations, only reputable miners, with the requisite machinery and ability to conduct years of extensive exploration, are contracted.

And since some ladies have failed to appreciate that their precious, unique and sacred bodies, which are by far more precious than Gold, Diamonds and Pearls, are uncovered and unprotected, they will always attract a lot of illegal and unqualified miners to come, dig and mine them with their crude instruments, then leave them physically, mentally and spiritually destroyed.

Some Spider Facts

1.       Spiders can walk on water, and breathe under it, too.

2.       Spiders eat their own webs to recycle them.

3.       In western Iran, there's a viper with a fake spider for a tail.

4.       95% of the spiders in your house have never been outside.

5.       The chances of us eating even one spider in our sleep throughout our lifetime, is close to 0%.

6.       Spider silk is about 5 times stronger than steel of the same weight.

7.       Spiders can survive for hours underwater by entering a self-induced coma.

8.       Research shows that if you're afraid of spiders, you're more likely to find one in your bedroom.

9.       Spiders are scared of ants due to the formic acid they contain.

10.   The last time somebody died from a spider bite in Australia was in 1981.

11.   Spiders don't have penises. They mate with the appendages on their faces.

Now you know.

I Had A Dream

In my dream, I ha job as the Special Adviser on governance, in the last government. One day during one of my press briefings, a reporter asked, “Why don’t you change the government’s emblem to a CONDOM?” Though shocked, embarrassed and agitated, I politely and calmly asked, “Why on earth, would you make such a suggestion?”

And without mincing words, the reporter responded, “Because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and assholes, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.” 

Be Careful What You Wish For

A civil servant sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside an old filing cabinet. As he poked through the contents, he came across an old brass lamp. Fascinatedly, he said to himself, "This will look good on my mantel." So he took it home with him. And while polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

Without hesitation, the man said, "I would like an ice-cold Beer right now." He got the Beer and drank it. Now that he could think more clearly, he asked for his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who will find me irresistible." Suddenly, he was on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. For his third wish, he told the genie, "I wish I will never have to work again." And instantly, he was back in his office.

The Saving Grace

A new manager spent a week at his new office with the manager he was replacing. On the last day the departing manager told him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve." When three months later there was a major drama, everything was wrong, and feeling very threatened by it all, he remembered the parting words of his predecessor and opened the first envelope. The message inside read, "Blame your predecessor!" He did that and got off the hook.

About half a year later, when the company was experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems, the manager quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. Three months later, at his next crisis, he opened the third envelope. And the message inside said, "Prepare three envelopes!"

The Wrong Birthday Gift

For weeks, couple had been debating the purchase of a new vehicle. While the husband wanted a new double cabin pick-up, his wife wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zoom through traffic around town. He would probably have settled for any beat up old truck, but everything his wife seemed to like was way out of their price range.

Finally, the wife said firmly, "Look, I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up soon. You can surprise me." So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Now, all services have been suspended.

How To Use The Ten Commandments

There were two ministers who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding their bikes and talking. When one Sunday one of the ministers came walking, the other asked, "What happened to your bike?" The second minister replied, "Someone in my congregation stole it?" The first minister said, “I have an idea how to get your bike back. Give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments, and when you get to the part about Thou shall not steal, just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

The next Sunday when the minister rode up on his bike, the first minister said, "Hey, I see my suggestion worked." The second minister responded, "Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery, I remembered where I left the bike."

That’s Proof Enough

After retiring, a man went to the Pensions office to apply for Pensions Fund. When the woman behind the counter asked for his National identification card to verify his age, he looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He then told the woman, “I’m very sorry, I seem to have left it at home. I will have to go home and come back later.”

Then the woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So the man opened his shirt revealing his curly silver hair. And she said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” And she processed his Pensions Fund. When he got home, and excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Pensions Fund office, his wife said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”

The Expensive Friendship

Mike went to his friend Francis and said, “Dear Francis, please help me out. I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?" Though Francis didn’t like the idea but being a good friend, he agreed. So, after mass, he started talking to the priest. He asked him all sorts of irrelevant questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally, the priest got a priestly feeling and said, “My son, confession is good for the soul. What is really bothering you?” Now feeling really guilty Francis said, "Please forgive me. My friend Mike is sleeping with your wife right now. So he asked me to keep you occupied." And the priest smiled, put a brotherly hand on Francis’s shoulder and said, "My son, you better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."

Now You Know

A husband suddenly burst into the kitchen, while his wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for him, and said, "Careful, CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful, CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him, and retorted, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" And the husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"

Why Do They Do That?

When an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist, and a Senator were bragging about how smart their cats were, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Senator and said, "What can your cat do?" The Senator called his cat and said, "Legislator, do your stuff." Legislator jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, screwed the other three cats, and claimed extra allowance for doing so. AND THAT, MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS, IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO BE A LEGISLATOR!

Beware Of Chinese Purchase Guarantee

During a business trip to China, a man wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. So he went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. But wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, “What will happen if this does not work?” The shopkeeper quietly pointed to the only sign in English that read, “GUARANTEE NO SPOILT.”

Feeling assured, the man paid for the CD player and returned to his hotel. A few minutes after returning to the hotel, he tried to use the CD player but it would not even switch on. He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man pointed to the sign assuring him of a guarantee. The shopkeeper then said, “Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.”

Reviewing Jonah And The Whale Story

When a teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, though a whale is a very large mammal it has a very small throat, a little girl countered, “But Jonah was swallowed by a whale.”

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl then said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." And when the teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell," The little girl replied, "Then you will ask him."

Mischief In Church

During one evening church service, a wife decided that it was time to stop her husband from sleeping in Church. So, she took her hat pin and decided she would poke him every time he fell asleep. Right about the first time he fell asleep, the preacher asked, "And who created the Universe?" The wife poked her husband and he awoke and yelled, "My God!"

The second time he fell asleep, the preacher asked, "And who died on the cross for you?" She poked her husband again, and he screamed, "Jesus Christ!" The third time, the Preacher asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" And when the wife poked her husband again, he jumped up and yelled, "By God, if you poke me with that thing one more time, I am going to break it OFF!"

Uncanny Letter Of Recommendation

When John learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources and said, "Since I've been with the firm for so long, I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation." And the human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. Sure enough, the following morning, John found the letter on his desk. And it read, "John Solomon worked for our company for eleven years. And when he left us, we were very satisfied."

What Will You Take Off?

An accountant asked his personal assistant, “I have twenty-five million naira; what will you take off to get 25%?” Excitedly, she replied, “Boss, honestly, I will take off my blouse, my bra, my skirt, and even my panties.”

Who Is The Jerk?

A guy got home early from work and heard strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushed upstairs and found his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. In panic, he asked, “What's up?” And his wife cried, “I'm having a heart spasm.” He immediately rushed downstairs, grabbed the phone, but just as he was dialing, his four-year-old son came in and exclaimed, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Francis is hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!”

The guy slammed the phone down and stormed upstairs, into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and ripped open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there was his brother, totally naked, and cowering on the wardrobe floor. And the husband yelled, “You jerk! My wife is there having a heart spasm and you're running around with no clothes on, scaring the kids!”

Is This Insanity Or What?

Why don’t we go back to our roots, before we lose all that is left of our brains, and ability to think? Considering that there was a time, when we laughed at the creation of zombies, don’t we wonder how we have gradually become worse than the zombies? The other day when Brother Francis opined that, “All religions are true,” we ignorantly cried foul. Come to think of it, if all religions are not true, then all nationalities can’t be true.

·         What is a religion?

·         Was religion in creation?

·         Who created religion?

·         Is religion, the after-thought of the Creator?

·         Is religion, the after-thought of man?

·         Now, we gullibly believe that there are, “Men of God.”

·         Corruption has become a status symbol.

·         Adultery is now legalized in South Africa by the Constitutional Court

·         Gay Marriage is now legalized by the U.S.  Supreme Court.

·         Germany’s National Ethics Council has called for an end to the criminalization of incest between siblings after examining the case of a man who had four children with his sister.

·         Japanese court has ruled, "Adultery is Ok if it is for business  purpose"

Who knows what next? Why don’t we use whatever is left of our brains, and THINK? Think about going back to our roots. At least, we know what was in our roots.