Save Yourself, Girl!

•You check his Profile picture. •He drives a Range Rover Sport 2016. •He is handsome. •He inbox you. •You reply, all excited. •You'll want to hook up. •You set a date. •You dress up with Legging and wear no panties. •You smelling good. •You put on a makeup, fresh breath and new weave. •He takes you for lunch at Eka Hotel. •He takes you for drinks at Java. •You two have a good time. •He rubs your hand. •He makes you laugh. •He gives you looks and smiles. •And you stupidly fall in love.

•It's like you've known him forever. •He takes you to his apartment. •He makes you feel comfortable and lays you on his bed. •He kisses you passionately. •You love his aggression, strength, power and you give in.

•It feels good. •You know it's wrong, but it feels good. •You ask for protection, he says it's too late. •You obey and don't disturb. •He says he loves you and you don't hesitate to say you love him too. •He hits it nice and slow. •After, he goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water. •He helps you drink it, ooohh man. •You feel special. •You think to yourself, “He must be the one.” •You get dressed. •He takes you to the taxi park. •He kisses you on the cheeks and says, "I had a great time." •He gives you cash. •You smile and say, "See you tomorrow babe." •He stays silent. •Your taxi drives away. •In the taxi, you can't stop smiling. •You get home and inbox him that you got home safe. •He is online, but doesn't reply.

•It's unlike him, so you inbox him again. •He doesn't respond. •Minutes later you can't find him on your friend list. •HE BLOCKED YOU. •Days, weeks, months pass by. •You start feeling sick, weak, lose weight, act strange with sores in your mouth. •You go to the clinic. •You get tested. •Minutes later, the Nurse walks in and says, "I'm sorry! You're HIV Positive and Pregnant!!" •You exclaim, "HOW?" •You don't understand. •Reality hits you. •You walk home. •You are scared. •You are confused. •You go to the bus stop. •You lay, hopeless, emotionless. •You see death coming nearer. •You look into the sky and mumble a prayer. •That's the end of you.

“Don’t be that girl! Live well! Stop chasing after material things! Stop chasing sponsors! Be a girl you want your daughter to be! Live a life, not a lie!!” Please feel free to share, for sharing is caring and may save lives.

The World Is Mine

Today, while up on a bus, I saw a very beautiful woman and wished I were as beautiful. When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle. She had one leg and used a crutch. But as she passed, she passed a smile. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two legs; the world is mine.

I stopped to buy some candy. The lad who sold it had such charm. I talked with him, he seemed so glad. If I were late, it'd do no harm. And as I left, he said to me, "I thank you, you've been so kind.       It's nice to talk with folks like you. You see, I'm blind." Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two eyes; the world is mine.

Later while walking down the street, I saw a child I knew. He stood and watched the others play, but he did not know what to do. I stopped a moment and then I said, “Why don't you join them dear?" He looked ahead without a word. I forgot, he couldn't hear. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two ears; the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I'd go, with eyes to see the sunset's glow, and with ears to hear what I'd know! Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine. I have been truly blessed, with some very beautiful things and some very special people in my life.

In Their Nature

While walking through a park, a newly married couple suddenly came across a dog running towards them. And sensing that the dog may bite them, the husband instinctively lifted his wife so that the dog may bite him rather than his sweetheart. But the dog stopped right in front of them unsure of what to do, and barked for a little while then ran away.

The husband then put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her. Instead, his wife exclaimed, "Wow! I have seen people throwing stones and sticks at dogs!! This is the first time I am seeing someone trying to throw his wife at a dog!!!"

Lesson: A wife will always be a wife. No one else can misunderstand a husband, better than a wife.

Never Despair

Once upon a time, an elephant and a dog became pregnant at the same time. Three months down the line the dog gave birth to six puppies. Six months later the dog was pregnant again, and nine months later, it gave birth to a dozen puppies. And the pattern continued. On the eighteenth month the dog approached the elephant and asked, "Are you sure that you are pregnant? We became pregnant on the same date, I have given birth three times to a few dozen puppies and they are now grown to become big dogs, yet you are still pregnant. What’s going on?"

And the elephant responded, “There is something I want you to understand. What I am carrying is not a puppy but an elephant. I only give birth to one in two years. When my baby hits the ground, the earth feels it. When my baby crosses the road, human beings stop and watch in admiration. What I carry draws attention. So what I'm carrying is mighty and great!"

So, don't lose faith when you see others receive answers to their prayers. Don't be envious of others' testimonies. If you haven't received your own blessings, don't despair. Say to yourself, "My time is coming, and when it hits the surface of the earth, people shall gaze in wonder and admiration." Have a blessed day!

Some Random Facts_8

1.       Parrots can die of arrhythmia, heart attack or stroke.

2.       Cincinnati is named after Cincinnatus, an emperor in the Roman Empire who saved Rome from crisis and then retired to his farm rather than rule.

3.       From July to September 2001, heavy downpours of red-coloured rain fell sporadically on the state of Kerala, India.

4.       In Morocco, goats poop out indigestible seeds which are collected, processed and turned into very expensive cosmetics and food.

5.       Typhus killed 90% of Napoleon's soldiers in Russia. Fleas and lice were sufficient to spread the disease and kill more than 500,000 men.

6.       Jesus' name translated from Hebrew to English would be 'Joshua'. We get the name 'Jesus' by translating the Hebrew name to Greek to Latin to English.

7.       A Swedish woman "married" the Berlin Wall in front of a few guests in 1979. She was devastated when most of it was torn down in 1989.

8.       A 30-year-old woman from India, who claimed to have fallen in love with a snake, got married to the reptile in 2006.

His Saviour

While a Systems Engineer was travelling by an Inter-city train and was alone in the coupe, a beautiful lady later came in and sat in the opposite berth. The Engineer was pleasantly happy to have such a beautiful travel companion. Very shortly, he became even happier when the lady kept smiling at him. And when she went and sat next to him, he was bubbling with Joy. She then leaned towards him and whispered in his ear, "Hand over all your cash, cards and mobile phone to me, else I will shout so loudly and tell everybody that you are harassing and misbehaving with me"

The Engineer stared blankly at her, took out a paper and a pen from his bag and wrote, "I am sorry, I can’t hear or speak! Please write on this paper whatever you want to say!!" And the lady gladly took the paper and pen from him, wrote everything she had said earlier and gave it to him. The Engineer took her note, folded it nicely, kept it in his pocket, got up and told her in clear tones, “Now shout and scream!”

Creating Your Own Happiness

When the speaker asked one of the spouses during a seminar, "Does your husband make you happy?" The husband immediately sat up straight, showing complete confidence. He knew his wife would say yes, because she had never complained about anything during their marriage. But his wife answered the question with a resounding "No! No, my husband does not make me happy." The husband was baffled, but his wife continued, "My husband never made me happy and does not make me happy. I am happy. My happiness is not dependent on him but on me. I am the only person on whom my happiness depends. I choose to be happy in every situation and every moment of my life, for if my happiness depended on another person, thing or circumstance on the face of the Earth, I would be in serious trouble.”

Everything that exists in this life constantly changes, the human being, the riches, my body, the climate, my boss, the pleasures, the friends, and my physical and mental health. I could quote an endless list. I need to decide to be happy regardless of anything else that happens. Whether I own a lot or a little, I am happy! Whether I'm going out or staying home alone, ​​I'm happy! Whether I am rich or poor, I am happy! I am married but I was already happy when I was single. I'm happy for myself. Other things, people, moments or situations are experiences that might cause joy or sadness. When someone I love dies, I am a happy person in an inevitable moment of sadness. I learn from past experiences and I live those that are eternal like loving, forgiving, helping, understanding, accepting and consoling.

There are people who say, “Today I cannot be happy because I am sick, because I have no money, because it is very hot, because it is very cold, because someone insulted me, because someone stopped loving me, because I don't know how to love myself, because my husband changed, because my children do not make me happy, because my friends do not make me happy, because my job is mediocre and so on.” But I say, “I love my life not because my life is easier than anyone else's, but because I have decided to be happy as an individual. I am responsible for my happiness. When I take this obligation off my husband and anyone else, I free them from the burden of carrying me on their shoulders. It makes everyone's life much lighter. And that's how I've had a successful marriage for so many years."

Never give anyone else the responsibility to control your happiness. Be happy, even if it's hot, even if you're sick, even if you do not have money, even if someone has hurt you, even if someone does not love you and even if you do not value yourself. And that goes for women and men of all ages. “Have A Happy And A Blessed Weekend.”

Never Be Sick Again – Part Five

An Interview with Raymond Francis

12) To wrap up- tell us about your book and where we can get a copy and if you have a web site…

Well I actually have three books now – Never Be Sick Again was the first.  It describes my fundamental approach – the one disease, two cause concept as well as six pathways that lead toward or away from health/disease – and how to apply these principles in your life to achieve optimal health. My second book, Never Be Fat Again, utilizes my approach to solve the problem of overweight disease.  My latest book, Never Fear Cancer Again, was written not only to help those who have been diagnosed with cancer to reverse their disease but, since it’s now expected that almost half the population will get cancer during their lifetimes, everyone should read this book so they know how to prevent getting cancer.  Most people fear cancer because they’ve been taught that it’s a mysterious, incurable illness that strikes for no reason. The fact is, although we don’t know everything about it, we know enough to turn the cancer process off like a light switch – we really have total control – and people need to know this. Another myth is that cancer is a disease of aging, but the fastest-growing incidence of cancer is among children and those under thirty.

You can order any of these books from my company, Beyond Health, at our website, beyondhealth.com.  There’s also lots of free health information on our website, and of course we’ve made it our business to sell “the best of the best” in many categories of health-supporting products, from supplements to water purifiers to rebounders.  I spend months and even years doing research to select the products we carry.  Beyond Health has only one product — health.  We are about supplying our customers with both the information and the products they need to get healthy and stay healthy.

On the bottom line, health is a duty — a personal responsibility.   If you are willing to accept this responsibility, miracles can happen and a long, disease-free life is possible.

Never Be Sick Again – Part Four

An Interview with Raymond Francis

9) To steal a line from Ray Romano- I am not 26 years old anymore - What should I be doing to ward off the effects of aging?

I am age 74, but medical tests show I have the arteries of a 26-year-old.  We can’t stop the clock and end chronological aging.  We can, however, slow biological aging.  In fact, it is even possible to reverse biological aging, as I have done with my arteries.  You want to keep your biological age younger than your chronological age.  The body is a self-repairing system.  If you give your cells all the repair materials they need and don’t poison your repair machinery with toxins, you can live a long, disease-free life full of vitality.  Because of our poor diets and toxic exposures, most Americans are experiencing large repair deficits and accelerated aging.  If you don’t keep your car well repaired, it will end up in a junk yard.  If you don’t keep your body well repaired, you will end up in a nursing home.

10) I spoke to someone at Harvard recently, and this scholar indicated that obesity was the Number 1 childhood disease- True or False?

True.  The health of our children is appalling and getting worse every year.  We have now reached the point where the average life expectancy of our children will, for the first time in 200 years, be declining.  Obesity is playing a large part in this.  However what causes obesity?  Again, deficiency and toxicity are the two causes of disease, including what I call overweight disease.  For more, see my book Never Be Fat Again.

11) The biggest problem that people discuss with me is osteoarthritis-seems everyone I know is getting older- and NSAIDS are dangerous- Any alternatives?

The best alternative is, don’t get biologically older.  Older means repair deficits.  All chronic disease involves repair deficits.   Optimize your body’s repair capability with good nutrition and avoid toxins that can interfere with the repair machinery.  Keep the body well maintained and these problems won’t happen.  Arthritis is a sign that you are making yourself fall apart. There is almost always a better alternative to toxic drugs like NSAIDS.  These anti-inflammatory drugs kill at least 20,000 people per year and damage the health of millions. NSAIDS may alleviate symptoms, but actually increase joint deterioration in arthritics, and make everything worse in the long run. With arthritis, the first problem is to reduce inflammation, since it is inflammation that causes the damage to the joints.  Reducing inflammation will also greatly reduce pain.

All of The Big Four are highly inflammatory and need to be eliminated.  Infections, allergies and food sensitivities need to be addressed and minimized.  Fat cells, especially abdominal fat, are very inflammatory – lose that extra weight.  Stress and environmental toxins also add to your inflammatory load.  Eat plenty of fresh vegetables and fruits, and minimize animal proteins and grains, to keep body pH alkaline.  There are also supplements you can take to reduce inflammation.  Vitamin C works synergistically with quercitin, and the two should be taken together at maximum doses.   Fish oil or flax oil supplies omega 3 fatty acids – these fats are anti-inflammatory.  Other anti-inflammatory supplements include vitamins A, B complex (including folic acid, B6 and B12), D, and E, plus beta-carotene, CoQ10, curcumin, selenium, N-acetylcysteine, and alpha-lipoic acid. Food allergies are often a factor.  I have cured people of arthritis simply by advising they stop drinking milk.  Allergic reactions cause a lot of inflammatory damage to the body.  Once inflammation is under control, joints that aren’t completely worn away can be largely rebuilt.  My company, Beyond Health, supplies a number of very high quality supplements than can help you do this.

Never Be Sick Again – Part Three

An Interview with Raymond Francis

5) JUNK FOOD- why should it be avoided- and what should be substituted?

Well again, there are two causes of disease – deficiency and toxicity.  Junk foods, processed foods, are low in nutrition – except for calories – and contain lots of toxins.  If you think back to the Big Four, junk foods are high in sugar, wheat, processed oils and milk products.  Talk about deadly.  What you are buying is disease.

6) Now, some doctors I know don’t like to talk STRESS, but I think it contributes to high blood pressure and probably many other things- Your thoughts on stress?

Stress causes significant biochemical changes in the body – it chews up nutrients and creates toxins, so it’s a major factor in disease.  Trying to avoid it is almost impossible, but you can minimize its damage with stress reduction techniques. One of the great benefits of exercise is stress reduction.  Meditation is another.  Engaging in emotionally fulfilling activities of any kind counteracts stress.

7) Fruits and vegetables- the pros, the cons, the concerns and how much?

As I’ve said, if you want to maximize nutrition and minimize toxins, fresh, organic fruits and vegetables are the way to go.  Juicing vegetables makes their nutrients even more bioavailable.  Juicing fruits, on the other hand, makes the sugar more bioavailable and that’s a bad thing.  I don’t drink fruit juice.  Preferably, everything should be organic to minimize the toxins and maximize the nutrition.  Basically, eat as many vegetables as you can.  In fact, one way to look at cancer is that it’s a vegetable deficiency disease.

8) Listen, I wash my hands, take multiple vitamins, yet every year, I seem to get a small flu- what am I doing right and what am I doing wrong?

Healthy people don’t get colds. I’ve had only one cold in the past 24 years, and I have a good excuse for that one.  Extreme travel conditions deprived me of sleep for over 48 hours, and that compromised my immunity.  Get on a good diet and supplement program, reduce your exposure to toxins and remove stored toxins from your body, get plenty of exercise, rest, and emotional satisfaction in your life. Avoid medications.  I realize that’s a sketchy answer, but you’d really need to read one of my books to get the complete story.

Another thing to consider is that most vitamins are not very effective, so you may not be getting the benefits you think you are.  Extra vitamin C every day is essential to keeping your immunity strong, but you need high quality vitamin C and most of the C on the market is not high quality.  I wrote a report on this titled The Roadmap to Choosing Supplements.  It’s available free at: www.beyondhealth.com

Never Be Sick Again – Part Two

An Interview with Raymond Francis

I’ve written a lot about diet in my books and in articles on the beyondhealth.com website, but briefly there are four foods you must avoid if you want to be healthy.  I call them “The Big Four:” 1) refined sugar, 2) wheat, 3) processed oils, and 4) dairy/excessive animal protein.  The best diet is a plant-based, organic, mostly raw diet centred on fresh vegetables, and including fresh fruits; healthy oils like olive oil, coconut oil and flax oil; legumes; minimal grains; and small amounts of animal protein.

According to a study by the National Academy of Sciences, today even if you eat a good diet, it is no longer possible to get all the nutrition you need.  Even the best diet today needs to be supplemented.  For various reasons, including mineral depletion of our soils, the nutrition in even the best produce today is down, while the need for nutrients is up due to our toxic environment.   Nutrients are needed for detoxification, and our toxic environment requires many times the nutrients needed by our forefathers.

3) Next- exercise–most people I know get their exercise jumping to conclusions and making inferential leaps- how much and what kind of exercise should say the typical average male or female get daily?

To be healthy, you have to supply your cells with all the nutrients they need, keep them free of toxins AND move and stretch them.  Moving and stretching the cells facilitates the delivery of nutrients and the removal of toxins from the cells.  The best form of exercise I’ve found for the average person is rebounding – that’s jumping up and down on a special kind of trampoline called a rebounder. This exercises every cell in your body simultaneously, so it’s extremely efficient.  You can do half an hour a day at home and get the same benefits as working out for hours at a gym.  30 minutes a day is ideal, although even 15 minutes a day provides tremendous benefits.  I do 15 minutes in the morning and another 15 minutes at night.  There is a whole new phenomenon where people come together and exercise through dance; it’s called Zumba.  The key is to get moving on a regular basis, even if it’s just a brisk walk every day.

4) I have heard them referred to as the THREE WHITES- that should be avoided–SALT, SUGAR and WHITE BREAD—are these as deadly as some say?

Yes, I’d agree with those people who call them deadly.  Sugar and white flour are almost the same in the biological problems they cause.  If sugar were introduced as a new product today, it could not be approved.  From a biological standpoint, sugar is a deadly metabolic poison.  Just a little bit of the stuff can throw your body into biological chaos and depress your immune system for hours.

Processed foods are loaded with salt.  We consume far too much salt and this upsets the ratio of sodium to potassium in our cells, causing serious cellular malfunctions.   If you’re eating lots of vegetables and fruits, you’re getting a good amount of potassium; you can then have maybe half a teaspoon of salt a day.  By far, the largest source of salt in the average person’s diet is processed foods.  Get rid of them, eat lots of fruits and vegetables, don’t go crazy with the salt shaker and you’ll be fine.

Never Be Sick Again – Part One

An Interview with Raymond Francis

1) Raymond, first of all could you tell us about your education, training and experiences in this realm of sickness and health?

I am a scientist by training.  My formal education is in chemistry, and I have a M.Sc. degree from MIT.  My biggest lesson in health began in 1983 when I got sick and almost died from my medical treatments.  At that time I was the president of an international management consulting firm and I started to not feel well.  I went to my doctor and followed the conventional medical advice.  I thought I was doing everything right.  I couldn’t have been more wrong!  I found out the hard way that conventional medicine is not science based.  Conventional medicine is a hopelessly obsolete and scientifically invalid approach to healthcare that is helping drug companies get rich, but it almost killed me and it is damaging the health of millions every year.  In fact, medical intervention has become the leading cause of death in the United States.  Shocking!

Eventually, I concluded that we need to start thinking about health in a whole new way.  We must transition to science-based medicine, and we need to simplify it so everyone can understand it.  I have proposed an entirely new way of looking at health and disease that is so simple, people with terminal illnesses are able to cure themselves.  You see, there is really only one disease – cells that aren’t functioning as they should – and two reasons for cellular malfunction – the cells either aren’t getting all the things they need to work right (nutrients), or they’re being poisoned by toxins that get in their way and gum up the works.  This approach takes the mystery out of disease and gives us very practical ways to build health – simply maximize nutrition and minimize toxins.

2) Let’s start simple- Diet–in order for people to keep healthy and never get sick- what should they be eating and what should they be avoiding?

One of our biggest impediments to better health is that most people think they are already eating a “good” diet. The truth is the average American diet will not support healthy life in rats, much less humans.  Americans are eating plenty of calories, but they’re starving to death for nutrients.  This is causing an unprecedented epidemic of chronic disease where more than 3 out of every 4 Americans have a diagnosable chronic disease, including children.  More and more children are on prescription drugs, and children as young as six are getting strokes.  Government surveys have found that most people are deficient in at least several essential nutrients.  If you are chronically deficient in even one, you will get sick.  That is a guarantee.  If that weren’t bad enough, much of the food we eat is loaded with toxins.  So right there you’ve got the two causes of disease – nutrient deficiency and toxicity.

Ninety cents out of the American food dollar is spent on processed foods.  Processed foods are both deficient in nutrients and loaded with toxins, so they cause disease.  We are paying a lot of money to make ourselves sick.  The average American eats a salad at mealtime only 36 times a year!  I eat a fresh salad at least once a day, and at age 74, I enjoy the health and vitality of someone in their twenties.

They Are Finally Together

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. And when her husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. And at her funeral, the priest looked skywards and said, "At last, they're finally together." Maria’s sister sitting in the front row asked, "Excuse me Father, do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" And the priest replied, "I mean her legs."

The Three Bragging Dads

Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in thirty years, were happy to be reunited at a party. And after several drinks, when one of them had to use the rest room, the three remaining friends talked about their kids, and bragging about their successes. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration, and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.”

The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school and became a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.” And the third guy said, “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities, and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday, a 30,000 square foot mansion.”

And as the three friends were congratulating each other, the forth friend returned from the rest room and asked, “What are all the congratulations for?”  One the three then said, “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?” And the fourth guy replied, “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.” The first three guys then chorused, “What a shame! What a disappointment!!” But the fourth guy responded, “No, I’m not ashamed! He’s my son, I love him and he hasn’t done too badly either!! His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot Mansion, a brand new Jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!!!”

The Art Of Good Communication

While a man was driving down a rural road, a woman was also driving up the same road; and as they passed each other, the man rolled down his window and shouted "DONKEY!" Not to be outdone, the woman shouts back, "MONKEY!" And she felt real good for retaliating and being witty. But as she took the next bend, she hit a fallen donkey right on the road and rolled over several times. As she dragged herself out from the wreck, she got the message of the man.

Lesson: While women never really understand what men try to say to them, men never really clarify what they mean to say to women. Good communication is vital in all relationships. If you are having any problems with you communication, never give up; keep working at it and it will surely improve.

Some More Facts Of Life

1.       Take risks in your life. If you win, you can lead; if you lose, you can guide.

2.       People are not what they say but what they do; so judge them not from their words but from their actions.

3.       When someone hurts you, don't feel bad because it's a law of nature that the tree that bears the sweetest fruits gets maximum number of stones.

4.       Take whatever you can from your life because when life starts taking from you, it takes even your last breath.

5.       In this world, people will always throw stones on the path of your success. It depends on what you make from them - a wall or a bridge.

6.       Challenges make life interesting; overcoming them make life meaningful.

7.       There is no joy in victory without running the risk of defeat.

8.       A path without obstacles leads nowhere.

9.       Past is a nice place to visit but certainly not a good place to stay.

10.   You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.

11.   If what you did yesterday still looks big to you, then you haven't done much today.

12.   If you don't build your dreams, someone else will hire you to build theirs.

13.   If you don't climb the mountain; you can't view the plain.

14.   Don't leave it idle - use your brain.

15.   You are not paid for having brain; you are only rewarded for using it intelligently.

16.   It is not what you don't have that limits you; it is what you have but don't know how to use.

17.   What you fail to learn might teach you a lesson.

18.   The difference between a corrupt person and an honest person is: The corrupt person has a price while the honest person has a value.

The Mischievous Pub Crawlers

When Matthew and Solomon wanted a drink real bad, but barely had a dollar between them, Matthew came up with an idea and bought a large sausage. They then went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each. Then Matthew said to Solomon, "After we have had our drinks, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go down on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out." They did exactly that, and sure enough, the bartender threw them out of the Pub.

They then went from pub to pub, had more free drinks, and each and every time, they were thrown out. By the time they got to the 10th pub, Solomon said, "I can't do this anymore! I am so drunk, and my knees are killing me." And Matthew said, "How do you think I feel! I can't even remember at which pub I lost the Sausage!!”

A Lesson From The Scorpion

When a scorpion, being a very poor swimmer, asked a turtle to carry him on his back across a river, the turtle exclaimed, “Are you mad? You’ll sting me while I am swimming and I will drown.” But the scorpion laughed and said, “My dear turtle, if I were to sting you, you would drown and I would go down with you. Now where is the logic in that?” The turtle then reasoned and said, “You’re right! Hop on!!”

The scorpion climbed aboard and halfway across the river, gave the turtle a mighty sting. As they both sank to the bottom of the river, the turtle resignedly said, “Do you mind if I ask you something? You said there would be no logic in your stinging me. Why did you do it?” The drowning scorpion sadly responded, “It has nothing to do with logic! IT IS JUST MY CHARACTER.”

So it is with some humans. No matter how nice or good you maybe to them, it is just in their nature and character to sting, betray, rob, cheat, hurt, kill or blackmail you, for no justifiable reason at all. May we be delivered, from such humans!

The Un-confessional Confession

An old man went to a church, entered the confessional and said, "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old." Then the priest asked, "When was the last time you made a confession?" And the man replied, "I never have! I’m not even a catholic!!" And when the priest asked, "Then why are telling me all this?" The man responded, "I’m telling everybody!"

God Saves

Once upon a time, a priest fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Sir! Do you need help?" The priest calmly said, "No, thanks! God will save me!!" A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The priest again said, "No, thanks! God will save me!!" Eventually, the priest drowned and went to heaven. And when he got to heaven, he asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" And God replied, "You fool! I sent you two boats!!"

Why Did You Run?

A man and a woman were fast asleep together one night, when suddenly there was a noise in the house. The woman rolled over and said, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumped out of bed, jumped through the window, crawled through the bushes, and out on the street; then he realized something. He went back to the house and said to the woman, "Wait a minute! I'm your husband!!" Giving him a very dirty look, she responded, "So why did you run?"

Young Troublemakers

There were two young boys in the neighbourhood who were known to be very notorious troublemakers. They stole anything and everything they could lay their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of them and asked, "Where is God?" The boy just shrugged his shoulders. And the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!!”

A Dangerous Proposal

A man walked into a barber shop and said to the barber, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber then lathered his face and as the barber sharpens his straight edge blade, a woman with the biggest and most beautiful pair of breasts the man has ever seen knelt down right in front of him and began to shine his shoes.

With eyes fixed at the rhythmic movements of the woman’s breasts as she worked, the man said, "You are so beautiful! You know, you and I should spend some time together in a hotel room." And the woman said, "My husband wouldn't like that." Then the man said, "Just tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference." And she said, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."

At The Confessional

Last Friday afternoon when a drunk staggered into a neighbourhood Catholic Church, he went straight into a confessional booth, sat down but said nothing. After a while, the Priest coughed a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continued to sit there in silence. And when finally the Priest pounded three times on the wall, the drunk mumbled, "There’s no use knocking! There's no paper on this side either!"

Lesson From A Bird

A bird sitting on a tree and happily chapping away was asked, “Aren’t you afraid the branch may break?” It replied, “I’m never afraid of the branch breaking, because my trust is not on the branch but on my own wings.” So always trust and believe in yourself. Yes you can!

Slap Yourself

The other day when one of our celebrity ladies revealed that she had invested so much money, time and energy to make us believe she had the best husband and life, we were all stunned. And that the luxury cars, jewelleries, vacations, birthday parties and clothes were all lies; that he never bought her anything, that she was just putting up a show to upgrade him.

Ever since, I haven't stopped imagining how many people felt less of them-selves after watching the euphoria. How many marriages and relationships have been wrecked because, some of us got mad that our partners were not doing enough. If you were one of them, take a minute and Slap Yourself!

If some girl you know just had a flamboyant wedding and while she is feeling miserable that it was all her money, with little or no support from her husband; and you're also feeling miserable because your wedding was nothing compared to hers, despite your husband's total support, “Slap Yourself!”

If some people are living in bigger houses than yours and while they can't sleep at night because EFCC or the bank might just show up, park them out and grab their collateral; and you too can't sleep at night because you feel they are better off than you, “Slap Yourself!”

If your friends have their children in the most expensive schools and while they are dying of hypertension over school fees; and you're having same health challenges because you can't take your mind off the fact that, you can't afford that school for your kids, “Slap Yourself!”

If your friends sleep around, loan and steal money from their offices, to fund their annual vacations and while they are restless during the entire vacation, because a huge debt or query awaits them; and you're also restless when you see their vacation pictures on social media, “Slap Yourself!”

If all your friends are married or in relationships, and while they have lost their self-esteem because they settled for less than they deserved; and you've lost same too, because you feel they're more deserving, “Slap Yourself!”

If they won't stop posting pictures of their designer clothes, hair, shoes, bags and jewelleries and while they have slept with half the men and women in town, running and hiding from creditors; and you're running and hiding too, because you feel you're not presentable, “Slap Yourself!”

Things do not always appear the way they are. Never lose a wink of sleep on what you see on social media. You'll never know the length people go to paint a happy and successful picture. Quit allowing yourself to suffer their predicaments, by buying into their lies. And even if they were true, focus on your own life. Have a dream of your own, and work towards it. Everything you need will come to you at your own time. Everyone's timing is not the same. Slow and steady wins the race. If you rush in, you may be rushed out! Most of the very rich, happy and successful people like, Bill Gates, Mark Zuck, Oprah Winfrey and Dangote, don't flaunt it on social media because they know who they are, and don't seek your validation. So tell me, how many times did you “Slap Yourself?”

Unholy Desert Experience

When a priest and a nun were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel, the camel suddenly dropped dead on the third day without warning. After dusting themselves off, the priest and the nun looked at each other, surveyed their situation in a long period of silence, and the priest said, "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." And the nun said, "I know, father! In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." Then the priest said, "I agree! Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" The nun responded, "Anything father."

So the priest said, "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." And the nun said, "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun then opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty and then asked, "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. The nun then asked, "Father, could I ask something of you?" And the priest happily replied, "Yes sister!"

And the nun asked, "Oh father, I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours and maybe I touch it?" The priest responded with, "I suppose that would be OK," then lifted his robe and after a few minutes of the nun fondling with his penis, he was sporting a huge erection. The priest then said, "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life!" And the nun asked, "Is that true father?" But when the priest replied, "Yes it is, sister!" The nun retorted, "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here?"

Some Types Of People

1.       The Leaves People: The Leaves People come into your life, and they are like leaves on a tree. They are only there for a season. You can’t depend on them or count on them because they are weak and only there to give you shade. Like leaves, they are also there to take what they need and as soon as it gets cold, dry or a wind blows in your life, they are gone. You can’t be angry at them; it’s just who they are.

2.       The Branches People: The Branches People are some people who come into your life and they are like branches on a tree. They are stronger than leaves, but you have to be careful with them. They will stick around through most seasons, but if you go through a storm or two in your life, it’s possible that you could lose them. Most times they break away when it’s rough. Although they are stronger than leaves, you have to test them out before you run out there and put your weight on them. In most cases they can’t handle too much weight. But again, you can’t be mad with them, it’s just who they are.

3.       The Roots People: If you can find some people in your life who are like the roots of a tree, then you have found something special. Like the roots of a tree, they are hard to find because they are not trying to be seen. Their only job is to hold you up and help you live a strong and healthy life. If you thrive, they are happy for you. They stay low key and don’t let the world know that they are there. And if you go through an awful storm they will hold you up. Their job is to hold you up in any situation, nourish you, feed you and water you. Just as a tree has many limbs and many leaves, there are always few roots.

4.       In Conclusion: Look at your own life. How many leaves, branches and roots people do you have? What are you in other people’s lives? Thank God for your roots! You may want to call them today or share this message just to thank them for being roots in your life. Leaf people will not pass on this message! But that’s OK!

How To Protect A Wedding Ring

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring, and as the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. So she asked the elderly salesman, "Tell me sir, is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" And with a fatherly smile, the salesman responded, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

Down Memory Lane

When on their way home after a couple had wined and dined in a fine restaurant to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, and she noticed a tear in his eye, she asked, “Honey, are you getting sentimental because we are celebrating 50 wonderful years together?” And he replied, “No, I was thinking about the time before we got married, when your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!”