Sunday 31 May 2015

Uncanny Prescription

When the owner of a drug store walked in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall, he asked the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk replied, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

But when the owner queried, "You idiot, you can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk responded with, "Oh yeah? Look at him now, he's afraid to cough!"

Saturday 30 May 2015

They're Finally Together

Maria was extremely religious. When she was married, she refused to use protection because she felt that birth control was going against God's will. So she and her husband had seventeen kids. One day, Maria's husband got sick and passed away. As time went by, Maria moved on with her life and re-married. Again, she refused to use protection because of her religious beliefs. She and her second husband had fifteen kids.

Again, Maria lost her husband. But, soon after her husband's death, she passed away as well. And during the ceremony at the cemetery, the priest looked down at the coffin then looked up at the sky and said, "They're finally together." This confused one of the family members at the service. After the ceremony, the family member asked the priest, “Father, back at the cemetery when you said, they're finally together, did you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?" The father took a long look at him and said, "I was talking about her legs."

Friday 29 May 2015

Don’t Need Viagra

A grandfather was playing catch with his grandson one day, when the little boy suddenly stopped, looked the old man straight in the eyes and asked, "Grandpa, are you going to take that new Viagra?" The old man smiled and said, "No, I will not."

Not satisfied with grandpa’s answer, the little boy asked, "But Grandpa, why?" Comfortingly placing a hand on his grandson’s shoulder, the old man explained, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."

Thursday 28 May 2015

Welcome To Our Day Of Change

CHANGE, to Accountability.
CHANGE, to Incorruptibility.
CHANGE, to Morality.
CHANGE, to Good Leadership.
CHANGE, to Good Followership.
CHANGE, to Good Governance.
CHANGE, to Loyalty.
CHANGE, to Contentment.
CHANGE, to Being Our Brothers’ Keepers.

Welcome to the day we were made, in the Image and Likeness of our Creators.

Wednesday 27 May 2015

Uncanny Testimony

At the peak of the pastor’s sermon last Sunday, he paused and said, “The Lord is good.” And the congregation chorused, “All the time.” As if on cue, his 15 year old daughter got up and screamed at the top of her voice, “Praise the Lord." And the congregation chorused, “Halleluiah.”

She then continued, "Since I was 12 years old, I always had painful periods. But since brother Paul became our Sunday school teacher, and after some Bible studies and prayer meetings at his house, my period has stopped for the past 3 months. Now, I feel no more pains. You can even see that I am getting fatter and prettier. Praise the Lord." The pastor is still in a comma.

Tuesday 26 May 2015

The Seven Dollar Sex

When a couple, who were both well into their 80's, went to a Sex Therapist's office, the doctor asked, “What can I do for you today?” The man replied, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” With both eyebrows raised, but amazed that such an elderly couple, was asking for sexual advice, the doctor agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse” He thanked them for coming, wished them good luck, charged them $50 and bade them good bye.

The next week, the same couple returned and asked the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist was a bit puzzled, but agreed. This happened several weeks in a row. Each time, the couple would make an appointment have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor said, “I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”

The man responded, “We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, so we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charge $98. The Hilton charge $139. We do it here for $50. And best of all, Medicare pays $43 of it.”

Monday 25 May 2015

Nigeria Has No Business, With Indebtedness

Ladies and gentlemen, I have the pleasure and honour to welcome us to our Administration of Change. Ever since our people decided to give us the opportunity to effect Change in their lives, we have been receiving lots and lots of congratulatory and condolence messages. Congratulatory, because we have been lucky to be so honoured. Condolences, because they feel, and rightfully too, that we are taking over a Nation in deep crises; as if we didn’t know that.

They say, “We are being handed a distressed country without electricity and fuel, where workers are on strike, billions are owed to states and federal workers, 60 billion dollars are owed in national debt and the economy is virtually grounded.” As if we don’t know that. They say, “States and federal government workers are being owed, some 300 billion Naira and 400 billion Naira in salaries, respectively.” As if we don’t know that.

And I say, “We have no problems. We shall neither beg, nor borrow. How can we have any problems, when we have all the money that we will ever need to fix these problems, sitting all around us?  No one needs to be a Rocket Scientist to know that whatever we claim to own, both in properties and finance, don’t genuinely belong to us. To be able to effect the promised change, we must first and foremost, clean up this filthy stable of ours. We must stop playing the ostrich, and refund all that we didn’t deserve. When we have removed the log in our eyes, we shall then see clearly to remove the speck in our neighbours’ eyes. We shall be transparent, and play by the book.”

Though we know, that they know, that we know that whatever they claim to own don’t genuinely belong to them, we shall still enact a “Law Of Accountability/Proof Of Ownership,” among others.

1.       Every property shall be titled, and the owner shall account for it’s acquisition, with relevant tax payments.
2.       All properties that have been acquired with looted funds shall be confiscated.
3.       All monies in commercial banks and the central bank shall be identified, and if found to be looted funds, shall be confiscated otherwise, shall be taxed accordingly.
4.       All foreign account holders with looted funds shall be given an option to voluntarily refund such funds, or be arrested and detained till such funds have been repatriated.
5.       Anyone claiming a property which is suspected to have been acquired with looted funds, shall forfeit same, or be charged for receiving stolen property.
6.       No executive shall receive his or her salary/allowance, until the least paid worker has been paid.

So ladies and gentlemen, may we have the courage to say, “No to Greed, and Yes to Contentment,” that we may move this Nation to great heights.

Sunday 24 May 2015

Some Weird Facts

1.       The weird bright dots you see floating when you look at the sky are your white blood cells.
2.       Dreams get weirder as the night wears on.
3.       Being hit by lightning causes weird skin designs called "Lichtenberg figures."
4.       Some tumors can grow hair, teeth, and bones.
5.       In Ancient Rome, the punishment for killing one's father was the death penalty, consisting of being sewn up in a sack along with a viper, a dog, and a cock.
6.       The lighter was invented before the match.
7.       A cat has been the mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska for 15 years.
8.       Holding a vibrator against a person's throat relaxes the vocal muscles, thereby improving their voice quality.
9.       Dead people can get goose bumps.
10.   You have Taste receptors in the stomach, intestines, pancreas, lungs, anus, testicles and the brain.
11.   If you eat too many carrots you may turn orange.
12.   Viagra can keep cut flowers standing up straight for up to a week longer than normal.
13.   Rapper Tupac's ashes were mixed with weed and smoked by the members of his hip hop band.
14.   Anatidaephobia is the weird fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.
15.   A person can spontaneously burst into flames.

Saturday 23 May 2015

A Nerve Wracking Experience

After an elderly lady had finished her shopping and returned to the parking lot, she found four men in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, screamed at the top of her voice and said, “I know how to use this thing. And I will use it, if required. So get out of the car.” The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

But her key wouldn't fit the ignition because her car, identical to the one she was in, was parked four or five spaces farther down. She then loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station. The officer to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the far end of the counter, where four men were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman. No charges were filed.

God And Me

When a 72-year-old Joseph went for his annual medical checkup, all of his tests came back with normal results. So the doctor asked him, “Joseph, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" And Joseph replied, "Oh, God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented the doctor, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day, the doctor called Joseph’s wife and said, "Kofo, Joseph is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" And Kofo exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Thursday 21 May 2015

Never Giving Up

While laying, on his deathbed in his bedroom, a lawyer called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it.

As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning the pages, his eyes darting left and right. And when his wife curiously asked, "Honey, what are you doing?" He shouted, "I'm looking for loopholes!" 

Wednesday 20 May 2015

The Preacher's Rising Salary

When a pastor's wife was expecting a baby, he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his salary. After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's rising salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

And after listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, “My brothers and sisters, children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us”. With that speech, silence fell on the congregation. But in the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.” And the entire congregation chorused, “Amen.”

Tuesday 19 May 2015

The Wise Choice

One day, Kofi Johnson was walking down the High Street when he saw his childhood friend Mujafe, driving a brand new Lexus Jeep. When Mujafe pulled up to him with a wide grin, Kofi asked, “Mujafe, where did you get this Jeep?” Mujafe just smiled, opened the passenger door and asked his friend to hop in. Resisting the invitation, Kofi repeated, “Where did you get this Jeep?” And knowing his friend won’t let it rest, Mujafe repied, “My Hahia gave it to me.”

Puzzled, Kofi said, “I know she has been fond of you, and even quite sweet on you, but a new Jeep?” And Mujafe said, "Well, Kofi Johnson, let me tell you how it all happened. While driving on the Motor Way one day, Hajia pulled off the road and headed into the woods. And in the middle of nowhere, she parked the Jeep, got out, threw off all her clothes and said to me, Mujafe, take whatever you want. Though I saw sex staring at my face, I took the Jeep." And Kofi Johnson said, “That was a wise choice. The clothes would never fit you."

Monday 18 May 2015

Can’t Win With Women

Against all advice, a typical macho man went ahead and married a typical good-looking lady. After the wedding, he laid down the following rules, "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Do you have any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night. And that is whether you're here or not."

Sunday 17 May 2015

The Boss’s Therapy

One Monday morning when Lee Huang called into work and said, "Hey, boss I no come work today. I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt, I no come work." The boss said, "You know Lee Huang, I really need you today. When I feel like that I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later, Lee Huang called again and said, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Saturday 16 May 2015

Her Words Of Wisdom

When the wise old Mother Superior in one distant sub-urban town was dying, the nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns pleaded, "Please give us, some words of wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed, and with a pious look on her face she said, "Don't sell that cow."

Friday 15 May 2015

When It’s Bearly Possible

At his annual medical checkup, a doctor asked the 92-year-old man how he was feeling. And the man boastfully responded, "Doc, I've never been better! I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and she is going to have my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season of hunting. But one day when he went in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. While in the woods, a grizzly bear suddenly appeared in front of him! He instinctively raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor said, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" The old man exclaimed, “That's highly impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear.” And the doctor concluded by saying, "That's kind of what I'm getting at."

Thursday 14 May 2015

Now We Know

When a gorgeous young woman got into a taxi one day, the taxi driver asked her, "Hey baby, would you screw me for 25 dollars?" Seemingly feeling insulted, the woman asked, "What kind of a girl do you think I am?" The taxi driver smiled and said, "Well, if I was a millionaire, and offered you ten thousand dollars, would you do it with me then?" And the woman said, "Well, I guess I would."

Then the taxi driver asked, "In that case, will you screw me for 25 dollars?" And again, the woman asked, "What kind of a girl do you think I am?" And the taxi driver said, "We've already established that. Now we're just bargaining over price."

Wednesday 13 May 2015

Why Worry?

Sometimes I wonder why we worry so much, when there is really not much to worry about. Considering how we loot, lie and cheat, preach and spread false gospels, and live a life of moral bankruptcy, the only two things we should worry about, are either we are well or we are sick; physically, mentally and spiritually. If we are well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if we are sick, there are only two things to worry about. Either we shall get well or we shall die.

And if we get well, then there shall be nothing to worry about. But if we die there are only two things to worry about. Either we shall go to heaven, or we shall go to hell; complimented with whether there are really heaven and hell. And if we go to heaven, then there shall be nothing to worry about. But if we go to hell, we shall be so damn busy shaking hands, dining and wining with friends, we won't have time to worry.

Monday 11 May 2015

The Ladder To Success

Once upon a time, a man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going up into the clouds. He intuitively climbed the ladder, reached a cloud upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman who said, "Screw me or climb the ladder to success." And he thought to himself, “Oh no, not on your life.” So he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman and slightly easier on the eye who said, "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success." Again the man thought, "Well, I might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more and truly attractive lady who seductively uttered, "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success." As he turned her down, he again thought to himself, “This is really getting better.” And on the next cloud was a slim, busty, attractive, an absolute beauty who flirted, "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success." Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, with arm pit hair showing and flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man asked. And the ugly fat man responded, "Hello, I'm Cess!"

Sunday 10 May 2015

How Would You Have Scored This Student?

In a recent examination, a student gave the following answers:

Question 1: In which battle did Napoleon die?
Answer: His last battle.

Question 2: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom of the page.

Question 3: River Ravi flows in which state?
Answer: Liquid state.
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Question 4: What is the main reason for divorce?
Answer: Marriage.

Question 5: What is the main reason for failure?
Answer: Exams.

Question 6: What can you never eat for breakfast?
Answer: Lunch and dinner

Question 7: What looks like half an apple?
Answer: The other half.

Question 8: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
Answer: Wet.

Question 9: How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
Answer: No problem, he sleeps at night.

Question 10: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Answer: You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Question 11: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
Answer: Very large hands

Question 12: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
Answer: No time at all, the wall is already built.

Question 13: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Answer: Any way you want. Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Saturday 9 May 2015

The Wrong Plane

When a photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire, he was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

The photographer said, "Fly over the north side of the fire. And make several low-level passes." But the nervous pilot asked, "Why?" And the photographer yelled, "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" And the pilot asked, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

Friday 8 May 2015

Men Never Learn

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs. And a female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. But when the man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, “Will the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?” Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself.

Thursday 7 May 2015

Any Real Man, Around?

When on a recent flight, a plane passed through a severe storm, the turbulence was awful. And things began to go from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman in particular lost it, stood up in the front of the plane and wailed, "I'm too young to die.” Then she yelled, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was complete silence. Everyone forgot their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in front of the plane. Just then, a gorgeous, tall and well-built brother stood up in the rear of the plane and started to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt to reveal the rippled muscles across his chest. And the woman gasped. He then whispered, "Iron this, and get me something to eat fast."

Wednesday 6 May 2015

Who Had It?

When one of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips, they anticipated some valuable testimonials. So, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trips.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

Tuesday 5 May 2015

How To Handle An Irate Passenger

When a single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers of a cancelled flight, an angry passenger suddenly pushed his way to the desk front, slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS!" The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks who were in the line ahead of you first. I'm sure we will be able to work something out."

Unimpressed, and speaking so loudly that he could be heard by the passengers behind him, the irate passenger asked, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone and announced, "May I have your attention, please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "FUCK YOU!" And without flinching, the agent smiled and said, "Sorry sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Monday 4 May 2015

The Shock

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax---OH MY...!"

Then silence. Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy class said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine."

Sunday 3 May 2015

The Expensive Curiosity

When a man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, each time he tried to get to one, it was occupied. A flight attendant aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants’ ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow, these gals really have it nice." So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and a body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services." So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talcum powder. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He said the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. And the nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is in the jar on your bedside table."

Saturday 2 May 2015

A Pastor’s Deal

A Christian family invited their parish priest to help cast out the demon which had possessed the head of their family. As soon as the pastor arrived with his band of prayer warriors and started to pray, the demon became violent. The louder they prayed, the more violent the demon became. So, the pastor resorted to speaking in tongues, and asked the demon, “What do you want with this man?” And the demon replied, “I’m preparing him for the post of petroleum minister.”

Immediately, the pastor lowered his voice and asked, “May I make a deal with you?” And the demon replied, “Sure, you can like always.” The pastor then commanded, “Instead of casting you into the swine, come into me.” The pastor is now wearing a permanent straight jacket, in a mental home.

Friday 1 May 2015

When It Rains, It Pours

When a policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition, and was asked, "What are you going to do with the money?" He quickly answered, "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver’s license.”

Un-solicitously, a woman in the passenger seat said, "Oh officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"