The Advance Payment Syndrome

The other day when a brother took a lady on a dinner date, he least expected; to go home with a greatly depleted purse. According to him, she virtually grabbed the menu, as it was being presented. She then proceeded to order the most costly items on the menu.

She ordered a choice Champagne, Prawns cocktail in Avocado, Lobster in garlic sauce, and mixed vegetables. The guy had to wisely scale down his own order, to avoid any embarrassment when the bill arrives. During the course of the dinner, he asked, “Do you eat like this in your mother’s house?”

The lady replied, “No, my mother doesn’t plan to sleep with me after the meal.”

The Longest Four Weeks Of My Life

During one session in a Bible study group, the group leader asked, “What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks left before the great Judgment Day?” One gentleman said, “I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.” The group leader said, “Very good.”

One lady stood up, and with much enthusiasm, said, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.” The group leader commended, “That's wonderful.”

A gentleman in the back row spoke up loudly and said, “I would go and spend the four weeks at my mother-in-law’s house.” The group leader asked, “Why at your mother-in-law’s home?” The gentleman replied, “Because that will make it the longest four weeks of my life”

Unfortunate Dinner Date

A guy takes his girlfriend home to meet his parents, and have dinner. This being her first time of meeting his family, she was understandably very nervous. A few moments after they had all sat down and began eating a fine meal, the lady began to feel a little discomfort, no thanks, to her nervousness and a beans meal she had earlier. When the gas pains became unbearable, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.

Before she even had a chance to get embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Rover!" The lady thought, "This is great." And a big smile came on her face. But when a couple of minutes later she began to feel the pains again, she didn't hesitate to let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Rover!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes."

And a few minutes later when the lady had to let another one rip, she didn't even think about it. She just let rip a fart that rivaled a train blowing whistle. This time, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Rover, get away from her before she shits on you!"

The Miracle Son

When a woman who was secretly dating a doctor became pregnant, they didn't know how to deal with the situation, until about nine months later; when just about the time she was going to give birth, a priest went into the hospital with a prostate gland infection. The doctor then said to the woman, "I now know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." The woman asked, "Do you think it will work?" And the doctor replied, "It's worth a try."

On the due day, the doctor delivered the baby and then operated on the priest. After the operation, he said to the priest, "Father, you're not going to believe this." The priest asked, "What happened?" The doctor replied, "You gave birth to a child." The priest protested, "But that's impossible." The doctor insisted, "I just did the operation, it's a miracle. Here's your baby."

About 15 years later, the priest realized he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sat the boy down and said, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son asked, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replied, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

He Turned Around

Two brothers, Peter and Joseph, were playing in the living room when suddenly, Peter started to cry. Their mother who was in the kitchen preparing dinner, rushed in to find Peter holding his stomach with both hands and in pain. “What happened here?” Their mother asked.

“He kicked me.” Peter replied, still in tears. Apologetically, Joseph said, “Mum, it was a pure accident.” Angrily their mother queried, "Joseph, how can you call kicking your brother in the groin, a pure accident?" And Joseph replied, “He turned around.”

A Little Girl’s Tea Service

One afternoon while a man’s wife was out shopping, their little daughter served him tea. He was so proud of their daughter’s ability to serve tea he could hardly wait for his wife to get back. Finally when his wife got back, he proudly asked her to watch.

He then said to their little daughter, “Honey, go serve your mother, tea.” The little girl went and served her mother tea. His wife smiled, turned to her husband and asked, "Did it ever occur to you, that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"