You Would, Too

When a Lady, who was about seven months pregnant, got on a bus and noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her, she immediately moved to another seat. Then the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. And the man seemed more amused. When on the forth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested. When the case came up in court, the judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. And when she sat under a sign that said, 'The Gold Dust Twins are coming,' I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did The Trick,' and I could hardly control myself. BUT when she moved the forth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident,' I laughed out loud." The case was dismissed.

Who Is He?

After a long night of making love, this guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of a man on the nightstand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all." she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

Where, They Don't Mess Around

When a seven year-old boy, turned up in his classroom one morning, his teacher asked, "Why weren't you, in school yesterday?" And with a straight face, the boy replied, "Well Miss, my Grand dad got burnt." Sympathetically, the teacher asked, "I hope he wasn't too badly hurt?" And the boy responded, "Oh yes Miss, they don't mess around at those crematoriums."

He Wasn’t Alone

When little Thomas was in the garden filling up a hole, his next door neighbour peered over the fence, and politely asked, "What are you up to there, Thomas?" Without looking up, Thomas tearfully replied, "My goldfish died, and I've just buried him."

And the concerned neighbour asked, "Isn’t that, an awfully big hole for a goldfish?" Thomas patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat." 

How The Cross, Did It For Him

When the parents of a ten-year-old boy who was failing math, had tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail; a family friend insisted, they enroll him in a private Catholic school. And they did. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" The father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." Then, the father fired a volley of questions, "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? Was it the peer mentoring? Was it the textbooks? Was it the teachers? Was it the curriculum?" And the son said. "Nope, but on that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

The Hard Wish

On their way to a dog show, a couple almost ran over a frog that hopped across the road. When the husband stopped, and went to check if the frog was hurt, the frog said, “Mister, I thank you for not hurting me. For this, I shall grant you one wish.” And the man said, “Very well, please make my dog win at the dog show.” The frog looked at the dog for a moment and said, “I think it is almost impossible to fulfill this wish. Please make another wish.”

The man thought for a moment, and then asked, "Well then, can you please help that my wife wins, the next beauty contest in the area? And when the frog asked to see his wife, the dog got back into the car, and his wife proudly stepped out. But with just one look at the wife, the frog asked, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"

Uncanny Wishes

After being divorced from a cheating husband, a woman went on with her life, but continued to hate her ex-husband. While walking home one day, she found a beautiful but dirt soiled lamp on the street corner, and took it home. When she tried to clean it up, a genie popped out and said, “I shall grant you three wishes. But every wish you make and receive, your ex-husband, receives double.”

“Very well,” the woman said. So, she thought for a while, and made her first wish. "I want to be rich." And as she became rich, her ex-husband became twice as rich. For her second wish, she said, "I want to be beautiful." So, the woman became beautiful, and her ex-husband became twice as beautiful. "Okay now," the genie said. "For your last wish, be careful what you wish for." The woman thought real hard and finally came up with, "I want you to scare me, HALF To Death."

The Mirror, Mirror Miracle

While in an antique shop, a young woman bought a mirror which she later hung on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully said, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four." Instantly, there was a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grew to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she ran to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both returned.

This time, the husband crossed his fingers and said, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis, touch the floor." Again, there was a bright flash and both his legs were off the floor.

The Imaginative Young Artist

When a class of children were asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, one child produced a picture in which Mary and the baby sat on a recognizably, donkey’s steed, led by Joseph. And on the ground nearby, lay a black blob.

"What is that, black blob?" asked the teacher. "The flea," answered the young artist. "What flea, dear?" asked the puzzled teacher. And the child, knowingly answered, "The one the Angel told Joseph to take." Really puzzled, but not liking to challenge an imaginative child, the teacher checked out her Bible. And there it was in Matthew 2:13, "......the angel of the Lord saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt."

How He Was Compromised

When a missionary was sent into the deepest and darkest part of Africa, he spent years living with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stressed was the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not fornicate or commit adultery.

One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gave birth to a white child. The village was shocked and the chief was sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman has given birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what has been going on."

The missionary then responded, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence. What is called an albino. Look over there to your fields. You see a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief paused for a moment then said, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the black sheep, and I won't say anything about the white child."

Why I Don’t Want To Go To School

One early morning, a mother went and knocked on her son’s door. “Yes, come in,” the son said. The mother went in, and seeing her son still in bed, she said, "Come on son, wake up. It's time to go to school." But the son asked, "Why, Mom? I don't want to go to school." And the mother said, "Very well, son. Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

Complacently, the son said, "Well, for the first reason, the kids hate me. And for the second reason, the teachers, also hate me." And when, the mother said, "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." Then, the son said, "Okay, you give me two reasons why I should go to school." The mother then smiled, and said, "Well, for one reason, you're 52 years old. And for another reason, you're the PRINCIPAL." 

How To Stop A Nuisance

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom, they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 pm. They gathered at 2 pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

How Observant, Are You?

Standing over a corpse, an autopsy professor addressed the class, "There are two things you need, to succeed in medical forensics. Firstly, you must have no fear." As soon as he said that, he inserted his finger into the corpse’s anus for a second or two, removed and licked his finger. Then he instructed, "Now you must do the same."

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. And the professor continued, "And secondly, you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I inserted my middle finger into this corpse’s anus, but licked my index finger?"

Moses At The Airport

While going through an airport, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and asked, "Aren't you Moses?” The man never answered but just kept staring ahead. Again the President said, "Moses!” in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and asked, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?” The secret service agent agreed with the President. Well, said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak.” Watch! Again, the President yelled, "Moses!” and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"

Interpreting, A Painting

If you were ever totally confused by all the heavy symbolism in the reading you had to do at school, you'll love this! A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery, were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The black curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his own assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about." The couple asked, "Now, why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" And the Scottish man, responded, "Because I'm the guy who painted it. In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

A Nagging Secret

There comes a time when some nagging secrets can’t be kept any longer. So, at one of those times, a man entered the confessional, and admitted that for years he had been stealing building materials from the building materials company, where he works. When the priest asked, "What did you take?" The man replied, "Father, I have taken enough to build my own house, my son's house, and houses for our two daughters.

The priest thought for a moment, and then said, "This is very serious. I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance, for you. Have you ever done a retreat?" And the man responded, "Oh no, Father, I haven't. But if you can get the plans, I can get the materials."

What Is Their Origin?

When a Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian were viewing a painting of Adam and Eve, frolicking in the Garden of Eden, the Briton said, "Look at their reserve, their calm, they must be British." But the Frenchman disagreed, and said, "Nonsense, they're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." Vehemently, the Russian pointed out, "Look! No clothes, no shelter, they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russians."

Thou Shalt Not Profit From Our Mistakes

A parishioner went to his parish priest and asked, "Father, is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another man?" Enthusiastically, the priest replied, "Definitely not." The parishioner further asked, "Father, are you absolutely certain?" And the priest assured him, "Yes, my son, absolutely."

"Very well, then. In that case, would you mind returning the money that I gave you, after my wedding last year?"

What Will Our Son Become?

Wondering what their son would become, since he has been unable to decide about his future career, an old couple decided to use an age-long method, to find out. For the small test, they took some money, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. They opined that, “If their son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, chances their son will be a drunkard."

So the parents left the hall and went to do some gardening, while waiting nervously, for the result of their test. After a while when they returned and discovered that their son has taken all the three items of money, bible and whiskey, the father exclaimed, "Oh, no! It's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to become a politician!" 

How To Deal With A Hypocritical Receptionist

When a man walked into a crowded doctor's office reception, and approached the reception desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, how may we help you?" And the man replied, "There's something wrong with my dick." The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." Surprised at her outburst, the man asked, "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you."

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear, or whatever." Obediently, the man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist then smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" And the man stated, "There's something wrong with my ear." The receptionist nodded approvingly, then asked, "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" And the man replied, "I can't piss out of it."

Why Do You Want A Divorce?

When a farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce, the attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer replied, "Yea, I want to get one of those divorces." And when the attorney asked, "Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, plenty. I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, “No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?" The farmer replied, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere tractor."

Getting impatient, the attorney said, "No you don't still understand. I mean do you have a grudge?" And the farmer responded, "Yea I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere tractor." Then the attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" And the farmer answered, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays." And when the exasperated attorney asked, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer replied, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

And finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE? And the farmer responded, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

How to win

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money said to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." His lawyer told him, "It's in the judge's hands now." And when the defendant asked, "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" His lawyer replied, "Oh no! This judge is a stickler for ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" But when his lawyer said, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." The defendant said, "But, I did send them." His lawyer exclaimed, "What! You did?" The defendant smiled mischievously, and replied, "Yes. That's how we won the case." And when the lawyer said, "I don't understand." The defendant explained, "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

How The Cheater Was Caught

When two young engineers, who both had the same qualifications applied for a single position at a computer company, the Department manager asked them to take a test. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The Department manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." But the rejected applicant asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct." And the Department manager explained, "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you both missed."

Not completely satisfied, the rejected applicant asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Then, the Department manager said, "Simple, when on the missed question, your fellow applicant put down, I don't know; you put down, neither do I."

What Do You See?

Two friends went on a camping trip. After they had set up their tent, and had their dinner, they lay down for the night. About four hours into the night, the first friend tapped his friend on the shoulder and said, "Hey! Look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

The second friend looked up, and said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Then, the first friend asked, "And what does that tell you?" And the second friend replied, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

And the first friend responded, "Somebody has stolen our tent."

Why We Need This Change

The other day when I asked, “In which institution, do you receive your certificate in advance?” Most of the respondents proudly answered, “In the Institution of Marriage.” And I agreed. But when I opined if that was ethical, a brother asked, “When do you think marriage should be certificated? After 2 years 5 years?”

I think that has been one of the problems. In every institution, just as in life, there are lessons to be learned. Hasn’t it been obvious enough that many have been certified married, who aren’t in marriage? Who don’t have any intentions to learn the lessons? Who don’t have any intention to obey the laws of the institution? Over the years, I have had the opportunity to ask, “Why are you married? Why did you get married?” And I have received some seemingly honest answers like, “I want someone to take care of me. I don’t want to have children out of wedlock. It is a status symbol.”

You see what I mean? When you really think about that certificate, it isn’t a certificate of marriage, but a “Certificate to live together, or Certificate to freely use each other.” Shouldn’t we change this misleading certificate?

How Did We Do It?

When I sometimes wonder how we did it without radios, televisions, Nintendo play stations, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms; I remember that we had parents. Yes, we had parents who knew and had values, and proudly taught their children these values. They taught both self-respect, and respect for others (their ages not withstanding). They taught how and when to play, and had dignity in labour. They practiced and impacted self-esteem, morality and contentment. Every parent knew where their children were at any given time.

If you forgot your classmate’s pencil in your bag, it was called stealing. They taught their children not to beg, borrow or steal; because, nothing goes for nothing. Live within your means, they insisted. When a child wore a new dress, the first question was, “Where did you get that from?” But today, it is compliments, “You look good.” How can parents who live on immoral and corrupt earnings, in order to finance their addictions in fashion and false lifestyles, parent their children on morality, ethics and contentment? Charity begins at home, remember? 

Another Uncanny Request

While on his deathbed, a businessman who had always had a running battle with the Department of Inland Revenue, called his friend and said, "John, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."

Though surprised at such an unusual request from his friend, John asked, "And what would you want me to do with your ashes?" And the businessman replied, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. And write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."

Thursday Quiz

Question: What is the real reason, why you can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse?

Answer: You cannot post, "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie," in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It would create a hostile working environment.

A Pastor’s Predicament

One day, when Reverend Patrick, who was a pastor of a small congregation in town, saw a female member of his congregation sitting in a bar and drinking beer, he thought that was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked up, sat down next to the woman and said sternly, "Mrs. Solomon, this is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Solomon stood up, she began to weave back and forth. Realizing that she had had too much to drink, the reverend grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. And after rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of her, with her skirt hiked up to her waist.

At which moment, the bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on, around in this bar!" The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Patrick." The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish, up."

How She Gets Back, At Them

When a lady was asked, “How do you cope with the elderly members of your family and friends, who poke you at weddings and tell you, that you are next?” The lady responded, “Well, since they say what is good for the goose, is good for the gander; I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.”

Tuesday Quiz

In which institution, do you receive your certificate in advance?

Answer: The Institution of Marriage

Who Has The Best Son?

One evening when four catholic mothers were having an after dinner banter, the first mother told her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him, Father.” The second mother chirped, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, Your Grace.” And the third mother said, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called, Your Eminence.”

Then, the fourth mother who had since been quietly sipping her drink, calmly said, "My son is 6'2" tall, he's loaded with dough, got broad square shoulders, terribly handsome, dresses very well, has tight muscular body, tight hard buns, and a very nice bulge. And whenever he walks into a room, women gasp, Oh, my God!"

When Money Talked

When a one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill, and asked, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty dollar bill answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. And how have you, been?"

Reluctantly, the one dollar bill responded, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."