How Not To Hire A Detective

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

MOST HONORABLE SIR:

YOU LEAVE HOUSE

I WATCH HOUSE

HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.

HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.

HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.

I LOOK IN WINDOW.

HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.

HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.

HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.

I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OUT OF TREE. I NOT SEE.

NO FEE,

CHEN LEE.

A Weird Mother

Once upon a time, a lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out, it was dark and had an afro. So the doctor asked, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?" The lady replied, "Well, yes, but only once." And the doctor said, "Once is all it takes."

When the torso appeared and it was yellow, the doctor asked, "Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?" The lady replied, "Well, yes, but only once." Again the doctor said, "Once is all it takes." And when the legs came out and they were red, the doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian. With the lady’s usual reply of, "Well, yes, but only once," the doctor again said, "Once is all it takes."

And finally when the doctor had pulled the baby all the way out, held it upside down, and slapped its bottom to make it cry and it started to cry, the woman exclaimed, "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"

A Weird Therapy

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (Pointing, to the bowl) "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I haven't had a cold all winter."

Why Did They Want The Frog Sound?

 While three little boys were spending the weekend with their Grandparents, the oldest came out and asked his Grandpa, “Grand pappy, can you make a sound like a frog?” Unfortunately, Grandpa being in a kind of ill mood, responded, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now." So, the second little boy came out and asked, "Grandpa, will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again said, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Later, may be.”

Then the third little boy came out and pleaded, "Oh please, Grandpa. Please, please make a sound like a frog." And Grandpa asked, "Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" With a hopeful face, the little boy replied, "Well, Mom said that when you croak, we get to go to Disney World!"

Why Can’t You Post The Ten Commandments In A Courthouse?

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is,

You cannot post,

 "Thou Shalt Not Steal."

"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery."

"Thou Shalt Not Lie."

In a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians; it will create a hostile work environment.

After His Farm Tour

When little Joseph went to spend weekend with his Grandparents, his Granddad proudly took him on a tour of their farm. At the corals, little Joseph asked, “Grandpa, what are they doing?” Grandpa explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on when they saw horses, Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."

Later that night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace has been said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?" Exasperatedly, little Joseph jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

Her Most Legal Evil Thing

After the checkout clerk had finished folding a lady’s purchases, she asked, “What shall it be? Cash, Check or Charge?" As the lady fumbled for her wallet, the clerk noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. And curiously, she asked, "So, do you always carry your TV remote?"

Smiling mischievously, the lady replied, "Oh no! But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."