At The Confessional

Last Friday afternoon when a drunk staggered into a neighbourhood Catholic Church, he went straight into a confessional booth, sat down but said nothing. After a while, the Priest coughed a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continued to sit there in silence. And when finally the Priest pounded three times on the wall, the drunk mumbled, "There’s no use knocking! There's no paper on this side either!"

Lesson From A Bird

A bird sitting on a tree and happily chapping away was asked, “Aren’t you afraid the branch may break?” It replied, “I’m never afraid of the branch breaking, because my trust is not on the branch but on my own wings.” So always trust and believe in yourself. Yes you can!

Slap Yourself

The other day when one of our celebrity ladies revealed that she had invested so much money, time and energy to make us believe she had the best husband and life, we were all stunned. And that the luxury cars, jewelleries, vacations, birthday parties and clothes were all lies; that he never bought her anything, that she was just putting up a show to upgrade him.

Ever since, I haven't stopped imagining how many people felt less of them-selves after watching the euphoria. How many marriages and relationships have been wrecked because, some of us got mad that our partners were not doing enough. If you were one of them, take a minute and Slap Yourself!

If some girl you know just had a flamboyant wedding and while she is feeling miserable that it was all her money, with little or no support from her husband; and you're also feeling miserable because your wedding was nothing compared to hers, despite your husband's total support, “Slap Yourself!”

If some people are living in bigger houses than yours and while they can't sleep at night because EFCC or the bank might just show up, park them out and grab their collateral; and you too can't sleep at night because you feel they are better off than you, “Slap Yourself!”

If your friends have their children in the most expensive schools and while they are dying of hypertension over school fees; and you're having same health challenges because you can't take your mind off the fact that, you can't afford that school for your kids, “Slap Yourself!”

If your friends sleep around, loan and steal money from their offices, to fund their annual vacations and while they are restless during the entire vacation, because a huge debt or query awaits them; and you're also restless when you see their vacation pictures on social media, “Slap Yourself!”

If all your friends are married or in relationships, and while they have lost their self-esteem because they settled for less than they deserved; and you've lost same too, because you feel they're more deserving, “Slap Yourself!”

If they won't stop posting pictures of their designer clothes, hair, shoes, bags and jewelleries and while they have slept with half the men and women in town, running and hiding from creditors; and you're running and hiding too, because you feel you're not presentable, “Slap Yourself!”

Things do not always appear the way they are. Never lose a wink of sleep on what you see on social media. You'll never know the length people go to paint a happy and successful picture. Quit allowing yourself to suffer their predicaments, by buying into their lies. And even if they were true, focus on your own life. Have a dream of your own, and work towards it. Everything you need will come to you at your own time. Everyone's timing is not the same. Slow and steady wins the race. If you rush in, you may be rushed out! Most of the very rich, happy and successful people like, Bill Gates, Mark Zuck, Oprah Winfrey and Dangote, don't flaunt it on social media because they know who they are, and don't seek your validation. So tell me, how many times did you “Slap Yourself?”

Unholy Desert Experience

When a priest and a nun were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel, the camel suddenly dropped dead on the third day without warning. After dusting themselves off, the priest and the nun looked at each other, surveyed their situation in a long period of silence, and the priest said, "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." And the nun said, "I know, father! In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." Then the priest said, "I agree! Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" The nun responded, "Anything father."

So the priest said, "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." And the nun said, "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun then opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty and then asked, "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. The nun then asked, "Father, could I ask something of you?" And the priest happily replied, "Yes sister!"

And the nun asked, "Oh father, I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours and maybe I touch it?" The priest responded with, "I suppose that would be OK," then lifted his robe and after a few minutes of the nun fondling with his penis, he was sporting a huge erection. The priest then said, "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life!" And the nun asked, "Is that true father?" But when the priest replied, "Yes it is, sister!" The nun retorted, "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here?"

Some Types Of People

1.       The Leaves People: The Leaves People come into your life, and they are like leaves on a tree. They are only there for a season. You can’t depend on them or count on them because they are weak and only there to give you shade. Like leaves, they are also there to take what they need and as soon as it gets cold, dry or a wind blows in your life, they are gone. You can’t be angry at them; it’s just who they are.

2.       The Branches People: The Branches People are some people who come into your life and they are like branches on a tree. They are stronger than leaves, but you have to be careful with them. They will stick around through most seasons, but if you go through a storm or two in your life, it’s possible that you could lose them. Most times they break away when it’s rough. Although they are stronger than leaves, you have to test them out before you run out there and put your weight on them. In most cases they can’t handle too much weight. But again, you can’t be mad with them, it’s just who they are.

3.       The Roots People: If you can find some people in your life who are like the roots of a tree, then you have found something special. Like the roots of a tree, they are hard to find because they are not trying to be seen. Their only job is to hold you up and help you live a strong and healthy life. If you thrive, they are happy for you. They stay low key and don’t let the world know that they are there. And if you go through an awful storm they will hold you up. Their job is to hold you up in any situation, nourish you, feed you and water you. Just as a tree has many limbs and many leaves, there are always few roots.

4.       In Conclusion: Look at your own life. How many leaves, branches and roots people do you have? What are you in other people’s lives? Thank God for your roots! You may want to call them today or share this message just to thank them for being roots in your life. Leaf people will not pass on this message! But that’s OK!

How To Protect A Wedding Ring

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring, and as the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. So she asked the elderly salesman, "Tell me sir, is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" And with a fatherly smile, the salesman responded, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

Down Memory Lane

When on their way home after a couple had wined and dined in a fine restaurant to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, and she noticed a tear in his eye, she asked, “Honey, are you getting sentimental because we are celebrating 50 wonderful years together?” And he replied, “No, I was thinking about the time before we got married, when your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!”