Why They Can’t Get Married

During Emeka and Abimbola’s first dinner date and as they sat in the restaurant eating, Abimbola asked her date, “Can you cook?" With a mouthful of fried rice and stuff, Emeka managed to reply, “Hmmm, not really; though I do manage to prepare noodles and cook some beans.” And Abimbola scoffed and asked, “How can anyone not know how to cook? I can't marry a man that can't cook. Such a man believes it is a woman's duty to cook, that a woman's place is in the kitchen. Sheesh, I can't deal.” Emeka just swallowed hard but said nothing, though remembering all those times she had begged him to help her put on her generator set.

After dinner, he escorted her to her car; as they had both come straight from work and in their separate cars. And as she made to get behind the wheels, she discovered that she had a flat tyre. He then asked her innocently, “Can you change a flat tyre?" And while waving her well-manicured fingers, she answered matter-of-factly, “No, of course not.” Still maintaining that innocent look, he asked, “How can anyone not know how to change a flat tyre? I can't date such a lady oh! She definitely believes a man's place is in a mechanic's workshop. Sheesh!" With that, he climbed into his car and zoomed off, leaving her with her mouth agape in shock. With the thought of the nearest vulcanizer miles away, and already getting dark, she cursed, “Asshole!”

Why Are Women Rebellious?

The other day when I tried so hard to console a brother who seems to always have the misfortune of being jilted by women, all he kept asking was, “Why me, after all I do for them? Why are women so unpredictable? Why are women so rebellious? Why are women so insatiable?” So I said, “My brother, you don’t have to kill yourself over questions that may never have answers.” He then shook his head, and just sat there staring at nothingness.

Then I continued, “Sometimes I feel they deserve our sympathies; considering that they maybe aggrieved by the fact that Adam spared only one rib for their creation. And that may have been the genesis of their rebellion that led Eve to disobey God by talking to the snake and eating the apple. And their rejection of even God’s gifts, continues in their shaving off their eyebrows and drawing their own lines, replacing their nails with artificial, and repackaging their breasts and buttocks.” And I concluded, “So my brother, be consoled in the fact that even God Himself, can’t satisfy women!”

Some Facts, About Chimpanzees

1.       Humans have the same number of hair follicles as chimpanzees.

2.       Chimpanzees can develop their own fashion trends.

3.       Washoe, the chimpanzee, was the first non-human to learn American Sign Language. She also passed on her knowledge to other chimpanzees.

4.       Congo, the Chimp was a famous abstract painter in the 1950s who sold paintings to Picasso, Dalí and others for up to US$26,000.

5.       In 2008, a chimpanzee named Anjana adopted and raised two baby white tigers named Mitra and Shiva after a hurricane.

6.       Elephants and chimpanzees can display behaviour patterns similar to post-traumatic stress disorder and depression.

7.       Chimpanzees can identify each other from pictures of their butts.

8.       The United States and Gabon are the only two countries that allow experimentation on chimpanzees.

9.       Chimpanzees fart so loudly and frequently that scientists locate them in forest occasionally by following the farts.

10.   Comparative analysis indicated that chimpanzees and bonobos show population-level right handedness, whereas gorillas and orang-utans do not.

11.   Soviet biologist Ilya Ivanovich Ivanov attempted to impregnate a chimpanzee with human sperm to create a human-ape hybrid.

Hey Dude, I'm Jesus Christ

When a drunk staggered out of a bar and bumped into two priests, he looked over the first priest and said, "Hey dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest said, "No son, you're not." So the drunk turned to the second priest and said, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" And when the second priest also said, "No son, you're not." The drunk had had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it to you. Just follow me" He walked back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looked up, saw the drunk and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ! You're back AGAIN!!"

Satan’s Brother-In-Law

One Sunday morning when Satan appeared before a small town congregation, everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. And when Satan walked up to the man and asked, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, I sure do." Then Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" And the man replied, "Nope, I sure aren’t!" Perturbed, Satan then asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" And the man calmly replied, "I have been married to your sister for over 40 years."

Deception Costs

What would you do, if when your Pastor asked you how much you bought your IPhone 6s plus, and you told him Twenty-Five Thousand Naira instead of the One Hundred And Twenty-Five Thousand Naira you spent, because you didn't want him to make you feel guilty about how much you give to God; and he gave you Fifty Thousand Naira to buy two phones for himself and his wife?

His Key To Heaven

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. She was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, but do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning when the old nun asked the young nun how the Saturday night bath had gone, the young nun dreamily said, “Oh, sister! I've been saved.” And the old nun asked, “Saved? And how did that come about?”

Then the young nun said, “'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.” And the old nun said, “Did he now!” And the young nun continued, “And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

And the old nun asked, “Is that a fact?” The young nun replied, “Yes, Sister! At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did! It felt so good being saved.” And the old nun exclaimed, “That wicked old bastard told me it was Gabriel's Horn! And I've been blowing it for 40 years!!”

The Cuckooed Alibi

A lady had told her husband that she would be home by midnight, “She promised!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. And at around 3 a.m., and a bit loaded, she headed home. Just as she got in the house, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing that her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her husband. Even when totally smashed, “3 cuckoos, plus 9 cuckoos = 12 cuckoos, MIDNIGHT!”

The next morning when her husband asked, “What time did you get in?” She replied, “MIDNIGHT!” And when he didn’t seem pissed in the least, she sighed, “Whew, I got away with that one!” Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” And when she asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times then said, oh shit. Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

Some Guiding Principles Of Life

1.       Accept others for who they are and for the choices they have made even if you have difficulty understanding their beliefs, motives or actions.

2.       Break away from everything that stands in the way of what you hope to accomplish with your life.

3.       Create a family of friends whom you can share your hopes, dreams, sorrows, and happiness together.

4.       Decide that you’ll be successful and happy come what may; and good things will find you. The roadblocks are only minor obstacles along the way.

5.       Explore and experiment. The world has much to offer, and you have much to give. And every time you try something new, you’ll learn more about yourself.

6.       Grudges only weigh you down and inspire unhappiness and grief. Soar above it, and remember that everyone makes mistakes.

7.       Leave the childhood monsters behind. They can no longer hurt you or stand in your way.

8.       Hope for the best and never forget that anything is possible as long as you remain dedicated to the task.

9.       Ignore any negative voice inside your head. Focus instead on your goals and remember your accomplishments. Your past success is only a small inkling of what the future holds.

10.   Journey to new worlds, new possibilities, is mostly by remaining open-minded. Try to learn something new every day and you will grow in Knowledge.

11.   Know that no matter how bad things seem to be, they will always get better. The harshest Winter is always followed by the Warmth and new blossom of Spring.

12.   Let love fill your heart instead of hate. When hate is in your heart, there is NO room for anything else; but when love is in your heart, there’s room for endless happiness.

13.   Manage your time and your expenses wisely, and you’ll suffer less stress and worry. Then you’ll be able to focus on the important things in life.

14.   Never ignore the poor, infirm, helpless, weak, or suffering people. Offer your assistance when possible, and always your kindness and understanding.

15.   Open your eyes and take in all the beauty around you. Even during the worst of times, there’s still much to be thankful for.

16.   Never forget to have fun along the way. Success means nothing without happiness.

17.   Ask many questions, because you are here to learn and be informed.

18.   Refuse to let worry and stress rule your Life and remember that things always have a way of working out in the end.

19.   Share your talent, skills, knowledge, and time with others. Everything that you invest in others will return to you many times Multiplied.

20.   Even when your dreams seem impossible to reach, try anyway. You’ll be amazed by what you can accomplish.

21.   Use your gifts to your best ability. Talent that is wasted has no value. But talent that is made into efforts will bring unexpected rewards.

22.   Value the friends and family members who have supported and encouraged you and be there for them as well.

23.   Work hard every day to be the best person you aspire to be, but never feel guilty if you fall short of your goals. Every sunrise offers a second chance.

24.   Look deep inside the hearts of those around you and you will see the goodness and beauty within.

25.   Yield to commitment. If you stay on track and remain dedicated, you will find success at the end of the road.

Random Facts

1.       Alfred Nobel, inventor of the dynamite, was astonished to read his own obituary, titled "The merchant of death is dead," in a French newspaper. It was Alfred's brother who had died, but the episode made him reconsider his legacy. His last will specified that his fortune be used to create the Nobel Prize.

2.       Les Harvey, guitarist for '70s blues-rock band Stone the Crows, died onstage in front of 1,000 fans on May 3, 1972 when he was electrocuted while tuning up for a show.

3.       Orgia nova Fitch is the biological nomenclature for a species of moth.

4.       Friedrich August Kekulé discovered the ring-shaped structure of the organic chemical compound benzene while daydreaming about the famous circular symbol of a snake eating its own tail.

5.       The EU banned cheese made in Stilton to be called Stilton cheese.

6.       The Nebra Sky Disc (1600 BC) is the earliest known space map and the oldest known portable astronomical instrument.

7.       The letters Q, W, and X were illegal in Turkey for 85 years.

All Prayers Answered

While two guys were walking through a game park and suddenly came across a lion that has not eaten for days, they chorused, “Run for your life,” as the lion started to chase them. They ran as fast as they could, but one guy got tired and decided to say a prayer, "Oh Lord, please turn this lion into a Christian.” And when he looked back, he saw the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer has been answered, he turned around and headed towards the lion. But as he got closer to the lion, he heard it say, “Thank you Lord for answering my prayer, and for this food that I am about to eat.”

Always Mind Your Language

One day, a husband looked at his wife and exclaimed, “Wow, your butt is getting really big! It's bigger than the BBQ grill!!” Later that night in bed, the husband made some advances towards his wife who completely brushed him off. "What's wrong?" he asked. And she replied, “Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

Some More Facts Of Life

26.   Many people will celebrate you only as long as your advancement doesn't exceed their expectations of you.

27.   Some people get close enough to you just to find something bad about you to broadcast to the world.

28.   Some people are quiet when you're succeeding but quick to point out your failures.

29.   Some people are only in your life for their self-interests.

30.   A branch that does not bend with the wind, breaks.

31.   Love your enemies. Pray for them that despitefully use you. That hasn't changed.

32.   Hating those who hate you makes them your leaders, since you're following their footsteps.

33.   Rather than react to the situation. Respond to your revelation.

34.   When people show you who they REALLY are, show them who God is. Good! Always do them good.

35.   We don't do to people what they've done to us. We do to them what God's done to us. We love them.

36.   Believe the best even when you're going through the worst.

37.   Keeping a grudge is like keeping garbage you can't use, yet it's taking up space and no one is paying you rent.

38.   Malice is a demonstration of your faith in the pain caused you in the past. It keeps you stuck.

39.   Rather than perpetuate pain. Promote peace, stir up joy and spread love.

40.   They hurt you? Don't hold it against them. Hold them up in prayer.

41.   Some people may think this post is targeted at them. No. Everyone alive will need one of the points at some point.

42.   Forgiving people is not just a good idea. It's a GOD idea. Actually more than an idea. It's an instruction.

43.   How you respond to a situation can be more important than the situation.

44.   Your ability to overlook an offense determines the degree of dominion you'd exercise over many other things.

45.   Wisdom will help you solve problems. A large heart will help you accommodate people. You need both.

46.   When all is said and done, let the love of God in your heart pour through your daily walk and actions.

Some Facts Of Life

1.       Small minds discuss people, average minds discuss events, but Great minds discuss ideas.

2.       What goes around comes around!

3.       A lion does not flinch at laughter coming from a hyena.

4.       While small minds are bragging about their material possessions, great minds are busy expanding their assets.

5.       People with the smallest minds often have the biggest mouths.

6.       No matter what you say and how you say it, SOME people will never get it. That's not your fault!

7.       No matter how pure your motives are, SOMEBODY will still accuse you of ill intentions. Stay pure anyways.

8.       No matter how humble you are, somebody will still consider you proud. Stay humble, anyway.

9.       No matter how generous you are, somebody will still call you "selfish". Remain generous, anyway.

10.   Some of your greatest pains will come from those you gave the most pleasure.

11.   Some of your greatest disappointments will come from those you gave your best appointments.

12.   Some of the worst things you'd hear about yourself may come from those you speak the best of.

13.   Not everyone in your ship is paddling in the direction of your dream destination. Discernment is key.

14.   Loving people sometimes means feeling used by them.

15.   If you fall for the temptation to take an eye for an eye, you'd be blinded to the bounties God has in store.

16.   Sometimes, doing the right thing ends up making you look like a fool.

17.   Tough as it seems, any evil done against you can become a seed for your promotion. It depends on your response.

18.   I'd rather appear foolish now and see the wisdom of God unfold than appear wise now and turn out a fool later.

19.   Promotion doesn't come by fighting for your rights but by being faithful in doing what is right.

20.   Those who will enjoy true promotion must be willing to forgive freely, forgive quickly and forgive wholly.

21.   Those who will relish true promotion must be willing to serve many for free!

22.   Sometimes, to see what God can do, you have to be willing to stop what you can do.

23.   Without God's sign off, your biggest step can turn out to be your biggest mistake.

24.   Pain has a higher potential to toughen you up than pleasure does.

25.   Problems are easier to solve than people.

Some Facts, About Iceland

1.       Apollo astronauts trained in Iceland because it was felt that the terrain would most resemble the surface of the moon.

2.       The parliament of Iceland, established in 930, is the oldest active parliament in the world.

3.       Beer was illegal in Iceland until March 1, 1989. Now, the date is celebrated every year in Reykjavik as Bjordagu, or Beer Day.

4.       In Iceland, you can hand-draw a map on a piece of mail without an address, and it will still make it to its destination.

5.       Strip clubs and lap dances are banned in Iceland.

6.       Some historians believe that Columbus visited Iceland's Snaefellsnes Peninsula in 1477 and there learned of Viking explorations of the New World.

7.       Iceland's population is smaller than that of Anaheim, California.

8.       About 300,000 pedestrians, the population of Iceland, pass through Times Square every day.

9.       It's illegal in Iceland for parents to threaten children with fictional characters.

10.   Iceland was the most peaceful place on Earth for six years straight since 2010, according to the Institute for Economics and Peace.

11.   Iceland severed ties with Denmark and became an independent republic only in 1944.

12.   Iceland has more books published and read per person than anywhere else in the world.

13.   Germany, Denmark, Iceland and some other countries have official rules about what a baby can be named.

14.   Iceland and the Faroe Islands are the only countries in the world where there are no mosquitoes.

15.   Icelandic has changed so little in the last 1,000 years that Icelanders today can easily read 12^th Century texts.

16.   In Iceland, up until 1987 there was no television at all on Thursdays.

17.   Iceland is very depressed: it has the world's highest rate of antidepressant use.

18.   In 2011, Iceland used Facebook to rewrite its constitution, as 2/3 of its population is on it.

Some Friends To Keep Forever

1.       Those who open up their hearts and tell you the truth even if it hurts.

2.       Those who come to your rescue during your deepest crisis.

3.       Those who are matured enough to respect your privacy.

4.       Those who encourage and inspire you to be the best you can be.

5.       Those who have proven over time to be dependable and reliable.

6.       Those who understand your baggage and are willing to help you unpack.

7.       Those who give to you as equally as they take from you.

“Please feel free to share, for sharing is caring!”

Collapsing Any Nation

Collapsing any Nation does not require the use of Atomic bombs or the use of Long range missiles. It only requires lowering the quality of Education and allowing cheating in exams. The patients die in the hands of the doctors who passed their exams through cheating. The buildings collapse in the hands of engineers who passed their exams through cheating. The money is lost in the hands of accountants who passed their exams through cheating.

Humanity dies in the hands of religious scholars who passed their exams through cheating. Justice is lost in the hands of judges who passed their exams through cheating. And ignorance is rampant in the minds of children who are under the care of teachers who passed their exams through cheating. “The collapse of education is the collapse of any Nation.” Have a beautiful, healthful and love-filled week!

A Short Story Contest

During a contest in an all-girls-college, the students were asked to write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery. The winner's story was, “Oh God, I am pregnant and I wonder who did it.”

Who Then Are Heaven’s Best Candidates?

The other day when a religious couple was on their way to get married but got involved in a fatal car accident, they found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. So when St. Peter showed up, they asked him. And St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to also wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; if one could get a divorce in heaven.

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned but looking somewhat bedraggled and said, “Yes, you can get married in Heaven.” And the couple said, “Great! But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out, could we also get a divorce in Heaven?” St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. And when the frightened couple asked, “What's wrong?” St. Peter shouted, “Oh, come on! It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?”

What's The Value Of Life?

A little boy went to his grandfather and asked, “Grandpa, what's the value of life?” The grandfather then gave him one stone and said, “Go and find out the value of this stone, but don't Ever sell it.” The boy took the stone to an Orange Seller and asked her what its cost would be. The Orange Seller saw the shiny stone and said, "You can take 12 oranges and give me the stone." But the boy apologized and said that his grandfather has told him not to sell it. He them went ahead, found a vegetable seller and asked, “What could the value of this stone be?" The vegetable seller saw the shiny stone and said, "Take one sack of potatoes and give me the stone." The boy again apologized and said he can't sell it.

Further ahead, he went into a jewellery shop and asked the value of the stone. The jeweller saw the stone under a lens and said, "I'll give you 50 million for this stone." But when the boy shook his head, the jeweller said, "Alright, alright, take 2 gold necklaces, and give me the stone." The boy explained that he can't sell the stone. And still further ahead, the boy saw a precious stones shop and asked the seller the value of the stone. When the precious stone seller saw the big ruby, he lay down a red cloth and put the ruby on it. Then he walked in circles around the ruby, bent down and touched his head in front of the ruby. He then asked, “From where did you bring this priceless ruby? Even if I sell the whole world, and my life, I won't be able to purchase this priceless stone!”

Stunned and confused, the boy returned to his grandfather, told him what had happened and asked, “Now tell me grandpa, what is the value of life?” And the grandfather replied, “The answers you got from the Orange Seller, the Vegetable Seller, the Jeweller and the Precious Stones Seller explain the value of our life. You may be a precious stone, even priceless, but people will value you based on their financial status, their level of information, their belief in you, their motive behind entertaining you, their ambition, and their risk taking ability. But don't be afraid, you will surely find someone who will discern your true value.” So, respect yourself! You are Unique!! No one can replace you!!!

Why Do Good?

When a 6 year old boy who was in the market with his 4 year old sister suddenly realised that his sister was lagging behind, he stopped, looked back and saw her standing in front of a toy shop and was watching something with great interest. So the boy went back to her and asked, "Do you want something?" And the sister pointed at a doll. The boy held her hand and like a responsible elder brother, gave that doll to her. And the sister was very, very happy. The shopkeeper was watching everything and getting amused to see the matured behaviour of the boy.

Now the boy came to the counter and asked the shopkeeper, "Sir, what is the cost of this doll?” The shopkeeper was a cool man and had experienced the odds of life. So he asked the boy with a lot of love n affection, “Well, what can you pay?” The boy took out all the shells that he had collected from the sea shore, from his pocket and gave them to the shopkeeper. The shopkeeper took the shells and started counting as if he were counting the currency. Then he looked at the boy. The boy asked him worriedly, “Is it less?” But the shopkeeper said, “No, No! These are more than the cost. So I will return the remaining.”  Saying so, he kept only 4 shells with him and returned the remaining. The boy very happily kept those shells back in his pocket and went away with his sister.

A servant in that shop got very surprised watching all these. He asked his master, “Sir! You gave away such a costly doll just for 4 shells?” And the shopkeeper replied with a smile, “Well, for us these are mere shells. But for that boy, these shells are very precious. And at his age he does not understand what money is, but he will grow up and he definitely will. And when he would remember that he had purchased a doll with Shells instead of Money, he will remember Me and think that the world is full of Good people. It will help him develop a positive attitude and he too in turn will feel motivated to be Good! Whatever emotion you infuse into the world, will further spread. If you do good, goodness will spread. If you do bad, negativity will spread. Realize you are a very powerful source of energy. Your good or bad will come back to you magnified. Not in the ways you want it, and probably not in the ways you can imagine or understand it. But it will come back.”

Another Age Advantage

When an obsessed strong young man at a construction site continued to brag about how he could out do anyone in a feat of strength, he virtually became a nuisance at the construction site. But when he made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen, the older worker felt he had enough and said, “Why don't you put your money where your mouth is? I will bet you a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow from here to that building over there that you won't be able to wheel back.” And the braggart agreed and responded, “You're on, old man. Let's see you do it.” The old man then reached out and grabbed a wheelbarrow by the handles, nodded to the young man and said, “All right Dumb Ass! Get in!!”

A Technological Embarrassment

What would you do, “If while your battery was showing 2% remaining, you saw your landlord upload pictures of him and his family on Facebook, and you wanting to impress him, quickly commented "kul people" but your auto correct changed it to "cult people " and your battery immediately went dead?”

A New Advance Payment

Last Saturday when I answered my phone with my usual, “Happy morning and welcome to a beautiful weekend,” my caller interrupted, “Not a happy morning, and there won’t be a beautiful weekend, not with what I went through last night. What is the world turning into? I have heard of the send me credit card syndrome, but I never thought it would go this far. I don’t mind paying in advance, as long as I have the option to negotiate such or any payments. At this rate, the death of dating may not be too far away.” So I said, “Brother, please calm down and tell me all about it.”

And he said, “Last night, I made the mistake of taking my new date to this nice restaurant. And immediately we got seated, she virtually grabbed the menu as it was being presented and ordered some of the most expensive items on the menu. She ordered a choice Wine, Prawns Cocktail in Avocado, Lobster in Garlic Sauce, and Mixed Vegetables.” So I asked, “And what did you do?” And he replied, “I wisely and drastically scaled down my own order, to avoid any embarrassment. And during the course of the dinner, I asked if she eats like this in her father’s house.” And she replied, “Oh no! My father doesn’t plan to sleep with me after the meal.”

The Way Things Were

Once upon a time, a daughter went to her mother in tears and complained, “Mom, I can’t stand the sight of my husband anymore. He complains about each and everything that I do. Our home has become like hell on earth. I can’t take it anymore. I have to end it now. I want to kill him but I don't have the courage to do it. Can you help me? Please!” Her mother looked at her pitiably and said, “Yes my daughter, I can help you! I would do anything for my dear daughter!! Just give me two days to prepare the right fix!!!” And the daughter left.

Two days later when the daughter came back, the mother gave her two powdery substances and said, “From this one, you should a teaspoon and add to his food daily, and your husband will die slowly. And from this other one, you should a teaspoon and dissolve it in a glass of water and drink before you serve his food, just in case you have to eat with him. But in order that no one may suspect you for his death, you will have to start doing all those things you used to me he love about you. Things like the way you smell, smile, laugh, talk, dress, cook and sex. You should begin to be good and kind to him, take care of him, be as romantic as possible, be grateful, be patient, be loving and submissive to him. See him as your king and kid, and not as your mate or subject. Be less selfish, less nagging and more understanding.” The daughter thankfully hugged her mother and left.

In less than three weeks later, the daughter returned in more tears and told her mother, “Mum, I no longer wish my husband dead! If he dies, I will kill myself. He has become so romantic, loving and caring. Now we can’t eat or sleep without each other. He's changed and become softer than before. Please do something quick, to stop the poison. My husband must not die. Please, my husband must live.” And the mother laughed heartily and said, “My daughter, don’t worry. What I gave to you was just pure Moringa leaves powder in both substances. I knew the problem was with you, because you had changed from who you were. You had left undone all those things that attracted him to you in the first place. You listened to the world, and forgot your originality and roots. So I had to work on you! Welcome back!! Congratulations!!!”

Japanese Sex

When a Japanese couple was arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex, the husband said, “Sukitaki. Mojitaka!” And the wife replied, “Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!” But the husband retorted, “Toka a anji rodi roumi jakoo!” Then the wife went on her knees, literally begging and pleaded, “Mimi Nakoundinda tinkouji!” But the husband shouted angrily, “Na miaou kina Tim kouji!”

I can’t believe you are sitting there trying to read this, when you don’t even know a word of Japanese! You will read anything, as long as it’s about sex. Sometimes, I worry so much about you, you know! Have a blessed and restful weekend.

Arrogance Doesn’t Pay

When a senior military officer was admitted in a military hospital for treatment of a minor malady, he made a complete nuisance of himself by irritating both the staff and the other patients. He did not only demand attention, he expected every order of his to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room. He would complain that his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted as he wish, the night time activities interfered with his rest, and on, and on. One afternoon an orderly entered the room, went to the officer and said, "Time to take your temperature, sir." After growling at the orderly, the officer opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

But the orderly said, "Sorry sir, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." When a whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The officer at last rolled over, bared his ass, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told him, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you." An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the officer with his bare ass in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" And the officer barked, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" The head nurse responded, "Yes sir, I have! But not with a pink rose!!"

Never Keep Toxic People

You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, employee, childhood friend, or an acquaintance. You don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small.

It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behaviour and makes a genuine effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go. And they must go fast. Toxic is poison, and poison kills! It’s your life we are talking about!! Nothing is more important!!!

How To Become The Best Version Of Yourself

Warren Buffett once said, “The more you learn, the more you earn.” And that is so true. Look at successful people like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, Oprah, Mark Cuban and any other highly successful humans. They are successful because they use their time right. They are successful because they are lifetime learners. They commit to learning new things every single day. Warren Buffett, one of the wealthiest humans on the planet, is famous for reading more than 5 hours every day. Bill Gates reads one book per week. Mark Cuban, 3 hours a day. Oprah, well, she’s just obsessed with books. Notice a common theme here? Successful people never stop learning.

Think about this, “You have $86,400 to spend every single day, but when the day is over the money disappears. You can’t get it back. Wouldn’t you try to spend all of the money before it disappears? Wouldn’t you try to use it wisely? Use it as best you could? The sad part is, we only have 86,400 seconds in a day and most people take this time for granted. Most people let this time disappear without a second thought. We never get this time back. We must use it wisely! We must be productive. We must use our time to do things we enjoy, or use it to set up our life; so we can spend our future doing more things we want to do. Instead of wasting your time on meaningless things, use it to learn new things. The time you spend playing video games or partying with your friends will never come back. Once you use that time, it’s gone, forever. Use your time wisely, read books. Study hard and learn as much as you can.”

Most people give up on their dreams because it gets too hard. A lot of students stop chasing their dreams because of one failed test. Matter of fact most students don’t even try their best when they take the test, because in their minds, they have already failed the test. They stop believing in themselves, and once the belief is killed the dream is killed. If you have a dream, you must do everything to make it a reality. It doesn’t matter how many times you fail a test. Never stop believing in yourself. Life itself is a test. Sometimes you will fail. But the only way you can be a failure is if you stop trying. Whatever your dream, use all your energy to make it into reality. Push yourself to become the person you are destined to become.

If you want to get results you have never got before, you are going to have to do things you have never done before! When Bill Gates was once asked, “What superpower would you like to have?” He responded, “I would want the ability to read books faster.” Success is not about the money, the fame, or a big house; success is becoming the best version of yourself. You will fall down many times on the road to success. The most important thing is that you get back up. Get back up stronger and wiser than before. Create a mind-set that does not allow you to quit or stop believing. If you quit on your dream and give up, you will never know how great you can be. Never doubt yourself, because doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will. Work on yourself every single day! This is your life we are talking about!! Nothing is more important!!!

What Do You Bring Home?

As we got closer home while returning from a trip with a brother, he quickly called his wife giving instructions as to what he wanted to eat for dinner; the quantity, quality and density. When he realised that he had omitted a recipe, he called again adding to the menu. I then looked at him and asked, “And what are you taking home for your family?” He just waived off the idea. So I pulled into a mall and bought some edibles to give to his kids. And when he attempted to eat from them, I humbly said, “Not on your life!” I then remembered how my father used to trek long distances when returning from work, so he could save one naira to buy twelve wraps of groundnuts at wholesale price to bring home. He taught us to always bring something home when we grow up!

So, what are you bringing home today? Some people bring aggression home as if it was their spouses or children that pushed their day southward. I once had a friend when we were younger, who used to run for cover with his siblings whenever the dad drove into the compound. For some, it was their mother! The party of freedom and excitement ended on the arrival of the mum. Homes are not built with the gravels of terror. Your spouse and children prayed for your safe journey, your stress-free day at work, missed your presence, hopeful that your contract would be approved; and all you could return with was ego and crumbs of sliced loaves of frustration which you had snacked on. That's most unfair! If you don't have the tangibles to bring home, bring a smile, a hug, a hot kiss, a hi5, a funny story worth sharing, a thoughtful affection, or a love poem! May we be granted the courage and wisdom to bring BLISS home, daily!

Importance Of Spending Quality Time With Family

When a woman came home from work late, tired and irritated; to find her 5-year old son waiting for her at the door, and her son asked, “Mummy, may I ask you a question?” The mother replied, “Yeah sure, what is it?” And the son asked, “Mummy, how much do you make an hour?” But the mother said angrily, “That's none of your business! Why do you ask such a thing?” And the son said, “I just want to know! Please tell me!! How much do you make an hour?” Then the mother replied, “If you must know, I make $20 an hour.” The son just said, “Oh,” but with his head down, he asked, “Mummy, may I please borrow $5?”

The mother was furious, “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed, and think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work ever so hard every day for such childish frivolities.” The son quietly went to his room and shut the door. The mother then sat down and started to get even angrier about her son's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money? After about an hour or so, when the mother had calmed down, and started to think, “Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $5 and he really didn't ask for money very often.”

So she went to the door of her son's room, opened it and asked, “Son, are you asleep?” And her son answered, “No, Mummy! I'm awake!!” And the mother said, “Son, I've been thinking. Maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $5 you asked for.” The son immediately sat straight up, smiling and yelled, “Oh, thank you Mummy!” He then reached under his pillow, and pulled out some crumpled up bills. And when the mother saw that her son already had some money, she started to get angry again. The boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his mother.

Then the mother grumbled, “Why do you want more money if you already have some?” And the boy replied, “Because I didn't have enough, but now I do. Mummy, I have $20 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.” The mother was crushed. She put her arms around her son, and begged, “Son, please forgive me! I have been working so hard without realising time slipping through my fingers, and without having spent some quality time with you and those who really matter to me. I forgot to appreciate that if I die tomorrow, the company that I am working for could easily replace me in a matter of hours. But you my son, my family and friends will feel the loss for ever,”