How I Got To Heaven

Getting pretty close to full today, on one particularly busy day at the Pearly Gates, God said to St. Peter, “For the remaining part of this day, admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.” So, St. Peter announced to all those standing in line, “For the remaining part of this day, I have been instructed to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So, come up with your stories.”

The first man says, "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where the guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and there was this man hanging off the railing. By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." St. Peter said, "That sounds like a horrible death, to me. Let the man in.”

The second man says, "It's been a very strange day, for me. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long. Suddenly a man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, but he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment, came back with a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I had to let go. But again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, St. Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man says, “Just picture this. I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."