God Is Watching At Church Picnic

A Pastor who has just resumed in his new parish, wished to increase the congregation in as many ways as possible. So, he decided to organize a picnic on the church grounds and invited the entire community to come.

Smarting from his past experiences, the Pastor placed a basket full of apples on one end of a long table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please. Remember that God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a plate of cookies where one of the children had placed a sign saying, "Take as many cookies as you want. God is busy watching the apples."

Appreciating Every Situation

There is a Chinese story of an old farmer who had an old horse for tilling his fields. One day the horse escaped into the hills, and when the farmer's neighbours sympathized with the old man over his bad luck, the farmer replied, “Bad luck, good luck, who knows?”

A week later, the horse returned with a herd of wild horses from the hills and this time, the neighbours congratulated the farmer on his good luck. His reply was, “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?'

Then, when the farmer's son attempted to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. Everyone thought this was a very bad luck. Not the farmer, whose only reaction was, “Bad luck, good luck, who knows?”

Some weeks later the army marched into the village and conscripted every able-bodied youth they found there. When they saw the farmer's son with his broken leg they let him off. Now was that Good luck, bad luck, who knows?

Moral: Whatever happens to us may be for our own good; though it may not seem so at the time.

Uncanny Family Problems

Two guys met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally the other guy asked, “You think you have family problems?”  Now, listen to my situation.

A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my step daughter. That made my step-daughter my step-mother and my father became my step-son-in-law. Also, my wife became mother in-law of her father-in-law.

Then the daughter of my wife, my step-mother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son.  That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose step sister is my father's wife. I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm my own grandfather.

“And you think you have family problems?” He concluded.

Applying A Subtle Approach

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for dinner tonight."

"What? Are you crazy? Can’t you see that the house is in a mess?” His wife asked in annoyance. “I didn't have time to go shopping. All the dishes are dirty and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight." She concluded.

"I know all that." The husband said.

"Then why in the world, did you invite your friend for dinner tonight?" The wife asked.

"Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married." The husband answered, with a mischievous smile.

The Pain Transfer Machine

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband still felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was found dead on their porch.

When The Devil Came To Church

On one bright and beautiful Sunday morning, the church-going residents in this sub-urban town got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, members of the congregation were sitting in their pews and chattering away about their lives, their families and business.

Suddenly, the Devil appeared right in front of the congregation. This caused a stampede, as everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling on each other in a frantic effort to get away from the perceived evil incarnate in person.

Soon enough, almost everyone seemed to have been evacuated from the church, but for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now, this confused the Devil a bit. So, the Devil walked up to the man and asked, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man calmly replied, "Yep, I sure do."

"Why aren't you afraid of me, like everyone else?"  The Devil further asked.

"I have been married to your sister for more years, than I care to remember." The man calmly replied.

Using The Power Of Mind Over Matter

A woman, who has had serious headaches for several years, invited an old school mate for dinner. During dinner, she said, “I have been having serious headaches, for which I have tried almost everything, including, consulting several doctors, without any positive results.”

The friend listened sympathetically, thought for a moment and said, “I shall refer you to this hypnotist. He is acclaimed for working wonders on anything.”

The next day, the woman comes home from the hypnotist and says to her husband, "Remember those headaches I have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone."

"No more headaches?" "What happened?" The husband asked

His wife replies, "Victoria referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeatedly say, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache." “Believe it or not, it worked. The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it. After his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back.” He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful."

The husband says, "Don't move. I will be right back.” He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later for a second round with his wife. And the second round was even better than the first one.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is really great." Her husband again says. “Don't move. I'll be right back.” With that he goes back in the bathroom.

This time his wife quietly follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing in front of the mirror and saying, "She's NOT my wife. She's NOT my wife. She's NOT my wife."

The Course Of Nature

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen.”

Our tendency is to think that we can control any and everything; situations, conversations, people and even our own lives.

But in our ever overbearing ego, we fail to appreciate that every creation has been imbued with, a Devine 'chip' which guides all that emanates from it and any attempts to interfere with this Devine order always leads to undue suffering for all concerned.

Appreciating that this urge could be really uncontrollable some times, we should seek the courage to control our urge, to interfere in other peoples’ lives.

Benefits Of Knowing Housekeeping

Abimbola and Olusegun went on their honeymoon, immediately after their well-attended and impressive wedding; a present from the bride’s rich and pampering parents. The young couple had a swell time, exploring sites and sampling different cuisines in different restaurants and in their hotel. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" Her mother asked.

"Oh, mum, the honeymoon was wonderful and so, romantic; and thanks for everything.” The daughter said, gratefully.

“The pleasure was all ours. Anything for our beautiful and lovely baby.” The mother said, pleasantly.

When a week later, the mother called to check how her lovely daughter was doing, in her new home, her call was answered with bouts of sobs. “Why are you crying?” The mother anxiously asked.

"Mum, since we returned, Segun has been using the most horrible language, words that I'd never heard before. I mean all these awful 4-letter words. You've got to come and take me home. PLEASE MUM."

"Bola, Bola, be calm and tell me what could be so awful. What 4-letter words?" The mother pleaded.

"Please don't make me tell you, mum," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful. COME AND GET ME, PLEASE."

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words that have upset my baby, this much." The mother insisted.

Still sobbing, the daughter said, "Oh, mum, words like; Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook...."

A Brain Teaser

This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it. It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

Answer: The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.

Benefits Of Being Flexible

Lao Tsu said, “A man is born gentle and weak, at his death, he is hard and stiff. Stiffness is thus a companion of death, while flexibility is a companion of life. A tree that cannot bend will crack in the wind. The hard and stiff will be broken, while the soft and supple will prevail.

So in all that you encounter in life, learn to be flexible. You don’t have to win that or any argument, because you may not have had all the facts. And what may be considered as facts, are based on the information available at the time.

Be flexible about your life because something better may show up when you give up your rigid stand as to where you ought to be. Remember, the only thing that is permanent in life, is change.

Revived By Asun

An elderly Ondo man lay dying in his bed, when suddenly death's agony was pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade asun kebabs wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself up from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen.

There, spread out on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite asun kebabs in trays. Was he in heaven? Or, was it one final act of love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, with one hand on the edge of the table. The aged and withered hand quaveringly made its way to an asun nearest the edge of the table; feeling the warm asun actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the asun was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

What then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil? He looked to see his wife, still holding the wooden spoon she had just used to smack his hand.

"Stay out of those!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

How To Overcome And Use Adversity

Shakespeare said, “Sweet are the uses of adversity which, like the toad, ugly and venomous, wears yet a precious jewel in his head.” Adversity’s precious jewel is cut by the chisels of confidence and competence, forged in a process of confronting and overcoming difficulties.

And Nietzsche said, “What does not destroy me makes me stronger.”

The road to achievement and fulfillment is dotted with hazards and tragedies that can wound us, frighten us, and slow us down. But these afflictions and misfortunes can stop us, only if we surrender. If we exercise courage, patience, and perseverance, we can overcome any adversity; bearing pains we cannot relieve and solving problems we cannot avoid

While we agree that, no one needs pain, troubles or hardship, we should appreciate that it’s inevitable that we’ll have some of each that may not come at the times of our choosing or in manageable doses.

Though adversity is never welcome, it’s not necessarily our enemy.

How to Compare Apples And Grapes With Humans

In a recent study in comparing apples and grapes with humans, it was concluded that while women are like apples on trees, men are like grapes. Naturally, the best apples are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are either afraid of climbing, falling and getting hurt or are in a hurry. So, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that isn’t as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right men. The ones who are brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

And Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women who can stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Baptizing A Drunk

On a Sunday afternoon, when a drunk stumbled on a baptismal ceremony in a neighboring river bank, he just waded into the water and stood next to the Preacher. The Preacher turns to him and asks, “Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks around and back to the Preacher, and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The Preacher then dunks the drunk under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" The Preacher asked.

"Nooo, I didn't." The drunk said.

The Preacher again dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I did not Reverend."

The Preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and asks in a harsh tone, "My good man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Married To God

A man, who suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store, was rushed by paramedics to the nearest hospital; where he had an emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms and a pen.

Apparently, she was interested in how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance policy?" The nun asked. "No health insurance policy." He replied in a raspy voice. "Do you have money in the bank?" She asked. "No money in the bank." He replied. "Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" She asked, getting irritated.

"I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." He replied.  The nun became visibly agitated and announced rather loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters.” “Nuns are married to God."

Perfect, the man said. “Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Some Classic Comparisons

After dinner one evening, a family is sitting at the dinner table and having their after-dinner banter.

The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?” The father though surprised, answers, “Well son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties and forties, they are Like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like Onions.” “Why, Onions?” The son asked, impatiently. “Yes, Onions son, you see them, and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asks, “Mom, how many Types of 'willies' are there?” The mother smiles mischievously, and answers. “Well dear, a man goes through three phases in his life time. In his twenties, his Willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.” “Why, a Christmas tree?” The daughter asked, amused. “Yes dear, a Christmas tree, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”

An Uncanny Revenge

After 17 years of marriage, a man decided to dump his wife for a younger woman.

Since their house was in his name, he wanted to remain there with his new love. So he offered to buy the wife a new place. The wife agreed to this, received a cheque to buy her new home; but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. The husband agreed.

While he was gone, she used the first day to lovingly put her personal belongings into suitcases, boxes and crates. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things to put in storage. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, with soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimps and a bottle of fine red wine. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back, with his new lady, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned and mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were invited to check out the house, the carpets were replaced, but the smell would not abate.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to sell well below the market value and move out. They were happy to accept the ex-wife’s offer, and quickly concluded the sale.

The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home, including the curtain rods.

Why It Pays To Be Bilingual

A new home-owner recently moved into an old house in our neighbourhood, with her cat. There was a hole in the wall of the house, in which lived a mouse.

Every day the cat would chase the mouse but he couldn’t catch it, and the mouse would laugh at him. One day, the cat almost caught the mouse. The next day, the cat waited outside of the mouse hole. The mouse was very scared because he could hear the cat outside of the hole, meowing. The cat sat there continuing to meow (meow, meow, meow).

Eventually the meowing stopped and all the mouse could hear was ruff, ruff, ruff. The mouse, full of joy, ran out of his hole knowing that he had been saved. As the mouse came out of his hole, the cat pounced on him and gobbled him up, walked away smiling and saying to himself, “It pays to be bilingual.”

How To Get To Heaven

A little boy who was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store, was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office, is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right; the post office is on your left."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Now, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office."

Everything Happens For A Reason

It’s a known fact that all successful people believe that there is a purpose behind every event or situation. With such a belief system, they look for the hidden advantages in every disadvantage. Whether it's a lesson to be learned or a change in their life's path for example, they believe that whatever happens was meant to happen, for a purpose. Thus, they made lemonade out of a lemon.

Instead of beating yourself down if something does not go your way, focus on the good that can come out of it. Yes, certain events are indeed very difficult to see any positivity in them; but you owe it to yourself and to your success to try your absolute best to make the most out of any situation.

There are many people that lost a loved one to a disease, only to become advocates for research to cure such a disease. And so also, are many victims of accidents that have not let their shortcomings in the aftermath get in the way of whatever they wanted to accomplish.

Sometimes life does not go as planned, but knowing that everything happens for a reason can help you carve a new path towards a new life with new goals and new successes.

10 Things That Are BETTER Than MONEY

1. Life: It’s easy to forget that the mere fact of conscious existence, that you are alive, is itself a miracle. As the old saying goes “every day above ground is a good day.”

2. Health: Rather than thinking of illness as something bad that happens to you, start thinking of health as something good that’s happening to you.

3. Purpose: There is nothing more conducive to long-term happiness than knowing that your actions are making the world a better place.

4. Friendship: Almost everyone has friends, although it’s easy to lose track of them in the rush of events. Take a few minutes today, to reconnect with some of them.

5. Family: If you’ve got a good relationship with your family, rejoice. You’re experiencing one of the deepest sources of happiness on the planet.

6. Self-reliance: Feeling secure that you can count on yourself to accomplish what you set out to accomplish creates a quiet but potent happiness.

7. Community: Having the support of a wider group makes you more aware that you’re part of something greater than yourself.

8. Gratitude: Rather than focusing on what you don’t have or what’s out of your reach, be thankful for the wonderful things already in your life.

9. Laughter: It is impossible to laugh and be miserable at the same time. Regular doses of laughter are more than medicine; it’s the flavor of life.

10. Love: “Conquers All.”

Create these ten things in your life and I guarantee that you’ll either become wealthier or, if not, you won’t really care anyway because you’ll already have got what’s important.

Be Careful What You Wish For

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside an old cupboard. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said to himself.

He then took the lamp home, and while polishing it, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes, as with all genies. Now, you can begin to wish. The genie said.

For my first wish, "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." The employee said. Instantly, he gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. And what is your third and last wish? The genie asked. And for my third and last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.

How Adam Got His Bargain

After God had created the heavens and earth, and all that there is, in six days; He went up to rest on the seventh day. It was while resting in His newly created blissful environment that He looked down and noticed that Adam was all alone, while all the other creations have companions. So he decides to create a companion for him as well.

He hurriedly came back down, and said to Adam. "Adam, seeing that you are my greatest creation, and for failing to give you a companion in the first place, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion; who will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will bear you children, and she will be beautiful.

“And what will it cost me?” Adam asked.

“It will cost you an arm and a leg." God replied.

After thinking for a few moments, Adam asked "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history.

A Preacher With His Unique Dying Wish

While lying on his death-bed and musing, an old preacher thought of a unique strategy. He then sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, who are both his church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of his bed.

Then the preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a minute or so, no one said anything.

While both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments, they were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered as much strength as he could, and then said weakly,

"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

How I Became Celibate

While attending a marriage seminar on communication with my wife, the instructor declared, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

After a brief moment, he asked, "Can any man tell us his wife's favorite hobby?"

Considering that was easy enough, I leaned over, touched my wife's arm gently and whispered, "Shopping-trips, isn't it honey?"

And thus began my life of celibacy.

An Amazing Sense Of Smell

A dark bespectacled man went for a meal at this well patronized up town Restaurant. After the restaurateur had comfortably seated him, he was offered a Menu Card. The man said, "I'm blind, just bring me; one of your dirty forks to smell, and I shall make my order.

The restaurateur, though at first confused at such a request, went ahead and got a fork as requested and handed it to him. The Blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath and said, "Yes, I will have the Lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables."  This is unbelievable thought the restaurateur.

Some two weeks later, when the Blind man came to patronize the same restaurant once more, the restaurateur jumped at a golden opportunity to prove that the last success of the blind man’s sense of smell may have been a fluke. He enthusiastically sat him and said, “I shall be back in a moment with a fork.”

He then went to the kitchen and pleaded with his wife Caroline, who incidentally is the cook and said, “Honey, please do me a favour by dipping your finger in your vagina, and rubbing it on this fork.” “Certainly,” Caroline said. She promptly dipped her finger in her vagina, rubbed the fork with it and handed it to her husband.

The restaurateur excitedly and with a mischievous smile on his face, rushed back to the blind man’s table and handed him the fork. The blind man took the fork, raised it to his nose, inhaled and said,

“Hmmmm, this is interesting, I didn’t know Caroline works here.”

Right To Demand Exclusivity

Storming into his lawyer's office, an oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.

"What seems to be the problem?" The lawyer asked.

"I want to hit that adulterant bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil magnate.

"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her."

"You are damn right," the tycoon rejoined. "But I sure as hell expect exclusive drilling rights.” He concluded.

My Unusual Act Of Charity

My wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find me in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, I called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about, before you react."

“This has better be good,” she said.

 I thanked her for the chance to explain myself, and continued. I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast chicken you had forgotten about in the fridge.

Seeing that she was bare-footed, I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the colour didn't suit you.

And also seeing that her pants were torn, I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

She was so grateful, and she thankfully hugged me. Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, “Is there anything else, your wife doesn't use anymore?”

4 Important Bones In Any Organization

In the body of any organization, there are four sets of bones. These bones literarily represent the different categories of employees, of the organization.

The first set of bones, are the Wish Bones. This set, is made up of those employees, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work.

Coming behind the Wish Bones, is the set of Jaw Bones. They are the ones who do all the talking and do nothing or very little else.

Next comes, the Knuckle Bones. These are the self-proclaimed know-it-all, who knock; everything that everybody else tries to do.

And last but by no means the least, comes the set of Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.

Not At His Time

Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was always her in-evitable answer.

"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air." Our co-worker assured her.

"I know," said her mother.

"I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."

Benefits Of Not lying.

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I will preach about lying. To help you understand my sermon, please read Mark 17.”

The next Sunday he asked, “How many of you read Mark 17?” Every hand went up. The minister frowned and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters.

“Now, let's talk about lying.”

Only good comes from being honest and true.

Only harm and suffering come from falsehood.

It doesn't always feel as if good comes from truth and honesty, but in the long run, it does.

The Bird In A Cow Dung

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

The Neighbour And Her Blow Job

A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his Mum on top of his Dad, bouncing up and down.

The Mum sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes after him.

When the Mum finally caught up with her son, and before she could explain away the previous scene, her son asks, "What were you doing on top of Dad?"

The mother replies, "Well you know your Dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." The boy said.

"Why do you think so?" asked his Mum, puzzled.

"Well, when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up."