Saved By Her Breast

An old lady, who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her loving husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out her late husband’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to anyone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be located on a woman. The doctor said, "On a woman, the heart would be located just below the left breast."

Later that night, the old lady was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

When You Can’t Be Recognized

A woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience, during which she asked God, “Is my time up already?” God replied, "No, you have another 39 years, seven months and fifteen days more to live." Upon recovery, she though, “Since I have so much more time to live, I should as well make myself look nicer by having a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck, before leaving the hospital.” And she did.

After she was released from the hospital, and on her way home, she was hit and killed by a bus, while crossing the street. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had about 40 years more to live? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that bus?" And God replied, "Lady, I couldn't recognize you, anymore."

What Were They Expecting?

While in Ireland, two nuns who had heard that Americans eat dogs, prayed for an opportunity to try it when they visit America. And the Lord heard their prayers. So during a tour of New York City, they were delighted to hear, "Hot Dogs! Get your hot dogs here!"

They immediately rushed over to get one each. As the first nun opened hers, her face turned white and she asked the second nun, "What part did you get?"

The Dam Fish

When selling his freshly caught fish on a street corner, and to get his customers' attention; he resorted to yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A Pastor heard this, stopped and asked, "Boy, why are you calling them, dam fish?" The boy responded, "Because I caught these fish at our local dam." And the Pastor bought a couple of the fish.

On getting home, he said to his wife, “Honey, please take and cook these dam fish, for dinner.” The wife responded with surprise, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a man of God to speak that way." He then explained to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asked his son to pass the dam fish. The son chuckled and responded, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!"

What To Expect At My Age

When a 91 year old man was walking through a park, he saw a talking frog. Out of curiosity, he picked up the frog and the frog said to him, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful and well-endowed lady and I shall be yours for a week.” The old man just put the frog in his pocket, and continued walking.

Then the frog screamed, “Hey guy, if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful and well-endowed lady and I shall be yours for a whole month.” The old man then brought out the frog, looked at it and said, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

Who Are Humans?

During a conference in the animal kingdom, papers were presented on, “Who are humans? In their presentations, dogs think, "Humans are benevolent because they feed us and take care of us, so they must be Gods.” But cats think, "Humans are benevolent because they feed us and take care of us, so we must be Gods."

Uncanny Wedding Vows

Not many people appreciate that wedding vows are supposed to be more important to a wedding, than the photography, cake and catering of relatives and friends, put together. Those little words that marry a couple, are meant to give meaning to everything else that happens during that special day, and the promises that they make to each other during the ceremony should set the parameters for their marriage.

However, during Tunde’s wedding rehearsal, he approached the Pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you ten thousand naira, if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honour, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He then gave the Pastor, the ten thousand naira and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it was time for the groom's vows, the Pastor looked Tunde in the eyes and said, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wishes, serve her breakfast in bed at weekends, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will never even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" Tunde swallowed hard, looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the Pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The Pastor puts an envelope into Tunde’s hand and whispered, "She made me a better offer."

When My Lights Went Out

A few days after my wife returned from her last overseas vacation, she started wailing and wringing her hands, "I'm sick. I feel weak." And I asked, “What did they feed you, on that vacation?” She shot back, “What has the diet got to do with it? Anyway, I had lots beef meals.”

Being my peaceful self, I tried consoling her, “Honey, no cause for alarm, as long as you were nowhere near any of those areas, where there was an outbreak of Mad Cow disease.” That jugged her memory, and she exclaimed, “Oh no, I can feel it eating my brains already. I'm losing my memory. I can't remember anything.”

Humorously, I tried to reassure her, "But Honey, as far as I'm concerned, you've always had Mad Cow disease." She frowned and asked, "Are you calling me mad?" Before I could answer, something struck me on the side of my head and my lights went out.