The Blind Man

In one Convent, the Mother superior told two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. Realizing that this would be an almost impossible task, one nun suggested to the other. "Hey, let's lock the door, take all our clothes off, and fold them up before we start to paint." So they did, and began painting their room.

Soon after, they heard a knock at the door. And they asked, "Who is it?" A voice replied, "Blind man.” The nuns looked at each other and one nun said, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" So they let him in. The man walks in, and with a lecherous look on his face, he said, "Hey, you have got nice tits. Where would you want me to hang the blinds?"

How I Got To Heaven

Getting pretty close to full today, on one particularly busy day at the Pearly Gates, God said to St. Peter, “For the remaining part of this day, admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.” So, St. Peter announced to all those standing in line, “For the remaining part of this day, I have been instructed to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So, come up with your stories.”

The first man says, "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where the guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and there was this man hanging off the railing. By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." St. Peter said, "That sounds like a horrible death, to me. Let the man in.”

The second man says, "It's been a very strange day, for me. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long. Suddenly a man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, but he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment, came back with a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I had to let go. But again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, St. Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man says, “Just picture this. I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

A Multi Dispenser

Late one might, two priests went to have their shower. They had undressed and stepped into the showers, before they realized there was no soap. One of the priests, decided to go get some soap from his room. And without bothering to get dressed, he dashed off, got to his room, grabbed two bars of soap in his hands, and started heading back.  

Halfway down the hall, he saw three nuns approaching. Having no place to hide, he stood against the wall and froze like he's a statue. The nuns stopped, and while commenting on how lifelike he looked, the first nun suddenly reached out and pulled his penis. Startled, he dropped a bar of soap. "Oh look, it’s a soap dispenser." The 2nd nun said.

To test her theory she also pulled his penis and sure enough he dropped his second and last bar of soap. And not wishing to be left out, the third nun then pulled once, twice, and three times, but nothing happened. But on her fourth try, she exclaimed, "Look, a hand cream dispenser."

An Uncanny Christmas Gift

One Christmas, a husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. The gift came with a coffin, tomb stone and the works.

When the next Christmas came and the husband got her nothing, she asked, "Why didn't you get me a gift, this Christmas?" The husband replied, "You haven't used the one I got you last Christmas."

The Confession

As soon as John turned on his PC one evening, his first message read, “I’m so sorry John, for I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife frequently. I do so, when you're not around. In fact, I may have been enjoying your wife, more than you do. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology, with my promise that it won't happen again.

Infuriated, anguished and feeling betrayed, John went into his bedroom, and had a long drawn out fight with his wife about her infidelity. His wife’s denials all fell on deaf ears, as John prepares to file for divorce.

A few moments later when John got back to his PC, another message came in that said, “Correction, I meant wifi, not wife."

I Liked The Chicken Dinner Best

A blind mother, received birthday gifts from her three sons on her birthday. The first son got her a big and beautiful house. The second son got her a brand new luxury car with a driver. And the third son got her a talking parrot to keep her company.

When the sons got together with their mother, they wanted to know which gift she liked best. She said, “I’m so proud of you all. Your gifts were all great, but I liked the chicken dinner best.”