Marriage Advice

Does it irk you too when people feel like they just have to give advice? During a wedding reception, a guy who felt he just must give advice stood up and said, “I should warn you, the first two years are the hardest!” The bride looked long and hard at him and asked, “How long are you married for?” And the guy replied, “Two years!”

The Importance, Of A Proper Sex Education

The other day, a teenage girl who had just heard of one form of sex education, came home from school and asked her mother, "Mom, is it true what Susan just told me?” And the mother asked, “What did Susan tell you, dear?” The daughter replied, “Susan said that babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

The mother like many mothers, now pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter again replied, "Yes dear, it is!" But on seeing the worried look on her daughter’s face, she asked what the problem was. The daughter then asked, "But then, when I have a baby, won't it knock out my teeth?"

Master Of The House

When a caller rang the doorbell and a man opened the door, the caller asked, “Can I please speak to the master of the house?” The man replied, “You are just in time! My wife and I are settling that very question right now!”

Medical Jargon

When a patient on referral got to the doctor’s office, the nurse took his case file and told the doctor, “His Doctor said he has something called, pholenfrometry.” The doctor took the case file, opened it and smiled, “Hmm, I don’t know.” It says here, “He has fallen from a tree?”

Good News And Bad News

After returning from her shopping, a wife told her husband, “Honey, I have some good news and some bad news about our car. Which do you want first?” The husband thought for a moment and said, “Give me the good news first.” And the wife said, “The Airbags work perfect!”

Appreciating Some Other Things, That Are Better Than Money

1. LIFE: It’s easy to forget that the mere fact of conscious existence, that you are alive, is itself a miracle. As the old saying goes, “Every day above ground is a good day.”

2. HEALTH: Rather than thinking of illness as something bad that happens to you, start thinking of health as something good that’s happening to you.

3. PURPOSE: There is nothing more conducive to long-term happiness than knowing that your actions are making the world a better place.

4. FRIENDSHIP: Almost everyone has friends, although it’s easy to lose track of them in the rush of events. Take a few minutes today, to reconnect with some of them.

5. FAMILY: If you’ve got a good relationship with your family, rejoice. You’re experiencing one of the deepest sources of happiness on the planet.

6. SELF-RELIANCE: Feeling secure that you can count on yourself to accomplish what you set out to accomplish, creates a quiet but potent happiness.

7. COMMUNITY: Having the support of a wider group makes you more aware that you’re part of something greater than yourself.

8. GRATITUDE AND CONTENTMENT: Rather than focusing on what you don’t have or what’s out of your reach, be thankful for the wonderful things you already have in your life.

9. LAUGHTER: It is impossible to laugh and be miserable at the same time. Regular doses of laughter are more than medicine; it’s the flavour of life.

10. LOVE: “Conquers All.”

Create these things in your life, and you’ll either become wealthier or, if not, you won’t really care anyway because, you’ll already have got what’s more important.

Some Breast Cancer Facts

1.       Every 13 minutes, a woman dies from breast cancer in the U.S.

2.       In the U.S., 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime.

3.       Breast Cancer kills 450 men in the U.S. every year.

4.       Angelina Jolie's breast cancer announcement doubled the number of women being tested in its first few months.

5.       Exercise, like walking, can reduce breast cancer risk by 25%.

6.       There is a US$1000 sports bra which uses heat sensors to detect signs of breast cancer up to 6 years earlier than a mammogram can.

7.       Breast cancer is one of the most survivable types of cancers over a five year period.

8.       A cooling cap can prevent breast cancer patients facing chemotherapy from losing their hair.

9.       30% of all cancers diagnosed in women are breast cancers.

10.   A woman's risk of breast cancer approximately doubles if she has a first-degree relative (mother, sister or daughter) who has been diagnosed with breast cancer.

11.   Go Herbal For Cancer Cure, visit: http://community.omtimes.com/profiles/blogs/15-uses-for-papaya-leaves-a-powerful-cure-for-cancer

On Happiness And Contentment

You were born in a first class hospital, but I was delivered at home; we both survived. You went to a private primary school, but I went to a public school; we both ended up, in the same high school. You woke up from a bed, but I woke up from the floor; we both had a peaceful night rest. Your outfits are all expensive, but mine are all simple and cheap; we both still covered our nakedness.

You ate fried rice and roasted chicken, but I ate locally prepared food; we both still ate to our satisfaction. You ride in Lexus jeep, Range Rover, G Wagon, Hummer Jeep, but I use public transport; we still got to our various destinations. You may be reading this post from your Sony Xperia, BB Z10, Q10, Samsung Galaxy 6edge, IPhone6+, but I typed it with my Touch one broken screen; we still see the message.

Lifestyle is not, and should not be a competition. There are different ways to get a lot of things done, as there are different lanes, all leading to the same destination. Just because your neighbour is doing things faster does not mean you are failing. Happiness doesn't come from having everything, but making the best out of what you have; it's all about how you see yourself. Happiness is not having what you like. Happiness is liking, what you have and being content.

The Gullibility Test

A guy said to his friend, “Hey, if you stick out your tongue, I can read your personality.” The friend promptly stuck out his tongue. And the guy’s reading which came quickly was, “I can tell from your tongue that you are gullible!”

Be Careful, When You Wish

When an older couple, were walking on a beach, the husband tripped over a bottle and a genie came out and said, “You can each have one wish.” The wife made her wish first, “I would like to travel around the world, with my husband.” Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world. Now it was the husbands turn. And the husband, with a naughty look on his face said, “Well, I wish I can have a younger companion.” The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years! 

Caught Stealing

When a teacher invited a father regarding his son, the teacher said, “Sir, we are worried about your son. He has been caught stealing more than once.” And the father asked, “WHAT DID HE STEAL?” The teacher replied, “Pens.” And the father said, “Hmmmm! I don’t know. Why would he steal pens? I bring home more than enough pens for him from the office!!”

And The Atheist Paid For It

A religious woman upon waking up each morning, would open her front door, stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the Lord.” This infuriated her atheist neighbour who would always make sure to counter, “There is no Lord.” One morning, when the atheist neighbour overheard her praying for food, and thinking it would be funny, went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch.

The next morning the lady screamed as usual, “Praise the Lord, who gave me this food.” The neighbour laughing so hard he could barely get the words out, screamed, “It wasn’t the Lord, it was me.” The lady without missing a beat screamed back, “Praise the Lord, for not only giving me food, but making the atheist pay for it!!“

Any Tie Would Do

A lady walked into a Tie Shop in the shopping mall, approached the sales lady and said, “I’m looking for a tie that will make my husband’s blue eyes pop out.” And the sales lady told her, “Ma’am, any tie will make his blue eyes pop out, IF YOU TIE IT TIGHT ENOUGH.”

What Has Honesty Got To Do With It?

Excitedly, a Senator told his wife, “Honey! I won! I’m now the new Senate President!!” And the wife asked, “Honestly?” Arrogantly, the husband asked, “Hey! Why do you have to bring that up? What has HONESTY got to do with it?”

Quick Thinking

When a girl spotted a handsome man at a bus stop, she went to him and without hesitation said "Hi, you look cute. And I like you." The man, seemingly shocked, simply placed a hand on her shoulder and said, "My dear, this love and infatuation are all nothing. You are too young to be behaving like this. Please go home and study hard so that you can have a successful life."

He then placed a piece of paper in her hand and said, "I have written some words of wisdom and bible verses for you. Read them before you go to sleep." And he bade her farewell. Remorsefully, the girl went back to her hostel, but before she slept she opened the paper and it read, "Are you blind? My wife was standing behind me. Anyway, this is my number. Call me anytime. By the way, I like you too!"

With The Compliments Of Pete Edochie

1. The little opportunity given to a monkey to wear cloths, does not guarantee it to join the dinning table.

2. Girls are like mangoes, while you are waiting for them to be ripe, others are eating them with salt.

3. Whoever presents his own head to break coconut would not be able to partake in the eating of it.

4. A man who hangs around a beautiful girl without saying a word ends up fetching water for guests at her wedding.

5. A man who counts his money after withdrawing from the ATM has trust issues.

6. If something that was going to chop off your head only knocked off your cap, you should be grateful.

7. When a girl has beauty without Brains, the Private parts suffer the most.

8. Having a Female as a Best friend is like having Chicken for a pet, you will eat it someday.

9. The wolf on the hill is not as hungry as the wolf climbing the hill.

10. Never let negative and toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and kick them out.

11. Life goes on, Even if you don't want it to.

12. Drinking garri doesn't mean you're poor, but allowing it to swell before drinking is poverty.

13. The buttocks are like a married couple. Though there is constant friction between them, they will still love and live together.

You Aren’t Plugged In

A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. But while running some errands in town, he decided to drop by his home. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man on top of her, and his head resting between her breasts. And when the husband asked, "What on earth are you doing?"

Nonchalantly, the stranger replied, "Quiet, I’m listening to music." The husband then shoved the stranger’s head aside and said, "Let me listen." He placed his head between his wife's breasts, listened, then exclaimed in suspicion, "What! I don't seem to hear any music!" The stranger quipped, "Of course, not! You aren’t plugged in."

The Perfect Excuse

An old married couple was sitting on the couch watching TV, one evening. And on the show, was a discussion about how to prepare in case of death etc. The old man turned to his wife with a serious expression on his face, and said, “Honey, I want you to promise me that, if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to put an end to it.” And with a broad smile on her face, the wife said, “No problem darling.” She promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.

What Is It, With The City Of Jerusalem?

What is it with the city of Jerusalem, Israel, to have been destroyed twice, besieged 23 times, attacked 52 times, captured and recaptured 44 times? Discuss.

Some Israel Facts

1.       Arabic is an official language in Israel along with Hebrew.

2.       Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel which he politely declined.

3.       Israel is the only country in the world to draft women into Military service.

4.       Underweight models are banned in Israel to fight against anorexia.

5.       Israel is so small, you can run through it from west to east in 2 hours and from top to bottom in 9 days.

6.       In 1997, an Israeli court charged and prosecuted a Jew for depicting Islam's prophet Muhammad as a pig.

7.       A Muslim family that saved Jews during the Holocaust, was later saved by Israel during the genocide in Bosnia, and converted to Judaism.

8.       A Jewish sect, Neturei Karta, supports Palestine and calls for a peaceful dismantling of the State of Israel.

9.       Robert F. Kennedy was shot by a Palestinian because of his strong support for Israel.

10.   The Jerusalem syndrome is a group of psychological phenomena triggered by a visit to Jerusalem, Israel.

11.   Every year, 1,000 letters arrive in Jerusalem, Israel, addressed to God.

12.   2,000-year-old seeds were discovered in 1963 inside an ancient jar in Israel. They were planted in 2005 and a tree that had been extinct for over 1800 years sprouted.

13.   In Canada, Mexico, India, Russia and Israel, bank notes have Braille-like markings on them for the blind.

14.   The world record for the most passengers on a commercial flight is 1,088, by El Al, Israel's national airline.

15.   You can buy hummus flavoured ice cream in Israel.

16.   At least 400 descendants of Nazis have converted to Judaism and moved to Israel.

17.   The primary founder and the first Prime Minister of Israel, David Ben-Gurion, was an atheist.

18.   The movie "Borat" was a huge hit in Israel, in part because Borat's "Kazakh" lines were all actually in Hebrew.

19.   Jerusalem, Israel, has been destroyed twice , besieged 23 times, attacked 52 times, captured and recaptured 44 times and it's one of the world's oldest cities.

20.   All Pakistani passports bear the inscription "This passport is valid for all countries of the World except Israel."

21.   Anwar Sadat made Egypt the first arab nation to achieve peace with Israel in 1979. For this, Sadat won the Nobel Peace prize, Egypt was suspended from the Arab League and Sadat was assassinated.

22.   All Jewish people who are between 18 and 26 years old are entitled to a free 10-day trip to Israel.

23.   Dr. Ruth, the famous sex therapist, was once a sniper in the Israeli army.

24.   There's a 9/11 Memorial in Israel constructed of steel from the remains of the WTC.

25.   Prostitution is illegal in Israel, yet 12,000 women work in the sex trade, along with roughly 1,000 men.

The Problem With Nigeria - Part Two

If CONFUSION is to be defined as, “A situation in which, a people are uncertain about what to do or are unable to clearly understand what they are expected to do; and keep living in denial while many things are happening in a way that is not controlled or orderly,” and you honestly feel that Nigeria is not confused, it will be safe to say that you may be more confused than confusion itself.

Let us start with our confusion in administration, governance and the sharing of Nigeria’s commonwealth. We are so confused that we can’t operate the democracies that we have copied from England and America. We know that salary scales in the Forces, Civil Service and Academia, are fixed according to academic qualifications and years of service. Unfortunately, the agency responsible for fixing salaries has no clue as to how it fixed the salaries and allowances of the national assembly members. There seems to be no relativity between the various arms of government, in terms of salary scales. How can you collect our commonwealth, pay yourselves insane salaries and allowance, and refuse to pay the masses; and still claim not to be confused?

If we are not confused, can anyone tell us if we really need (a) our teachers, (b) our health workers, (c) our road workers, and (d) all the junior office workers? And if we do need them, can their salaries feed, clothe, transport and house them, and pay school fees for their children? And if you still think that we are not confused, can anyone tell us, where in the world, there is half as high a cost of government as ours? And before you ask, “And where do we go from here?” Let me assure you, “Since no condition is permanent, and that the only permanent thing in life is change,” I can assure you that solutions, shall be proffered. When we come back, we shall discuss our ignorant and gullible religiosity.

The Problem With Nigeria - Part One

After I had received and watched at the weekend, a brother’s Common Sense Video, which I immediately shared on Facebook and Twitter; and last night another brother sent me via my WhatsApp, a most disturbing picture of how some people looked like while in office, and how they look just one year after office, I immediately phoned the said brother, and we tried in our lame way to discuss the state of our nation. A state, which seem to be deteriorating faster than one can imagine.

We talked about corruption in low and high places, chronic and insane treasury looters, heartless, clueless and shameless administrators/governance, man inhumanity to man in our law enforcement agencies, ignorant, docile and gullible followership/masses, immorality, and ignorant, clueless and gullible religiosity. After a while, he pleaded to call me back, which he did after he had gotten rid of whoever was making him feel the feeling that he was feeling, when he doesn’t know the feeling that he was feeling.

And we continued to burn our credits to the delight of the service providers, who have actually become a pain in the neck. What with, their incomprehensible billings, erratic down times and announcements, “The number that you have dialed, does not exist.” After we had decided to continue to proffer solutions at a later date, and wished each other good night, I hugged my pillow and tried to do the good night thing. But sleep said, “No, you can’t. Until you can at least, make some reasonable contributions, toward saving our nation.” It was then that it dawned on me. Now, I know without any reasonable doubt that, our problem is CONFUSION. When we come back, we shall discuss how CONFUSION has affected every sector of our nation.

Mind Your Language

During breakfast one morning, a couple had a big argument which did not abate before the husband left for work. During the argument, the husband had shouted, "You aren't so good in bed either!" He then stormed off to work.

When the husband began to lose it at work, he decided he'd better make amends. So he phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. The husband asked, "What took you so long to answer?" The wife answered cutely, "I was in bed." And when the perplexed husband asked, "What were you doing in bed this late?" The wife answered, "I was getting a second opinion."

More Quotes

1.       Dear GOD please help me have patience, and make it quick!

2.       A recent study shows that men who are married live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.

3.       Time is the best teacher; the only problem is it kills all of its students.

4.       Life is just a phase you’re going through, you’ll get over it.

5.       When everything else fails, try the directions.

6.       Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.

7.       Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.

8.       Men are like parking spaces; the good ones are taken, and the only ones left are handicapped.

9.       The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Some Quotes

1.       A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

2.       Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

3.       I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

4.       Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.

5.       I am a nobody, nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

6.       If money grew on trees, girls wouldn’t mind dating monkeys.

7.       Be nice to your children, they will be choosing your nursing home.

8.       The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip.

9.       Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

10.   Behind even the manliest men is a little boy, who’s thinking, what do I do next.

Advanced Alzheimer’s

So this old man went to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your test results came back and I’m afraid I have some bad news. You have Cancer and you have Alzheimer’s”. The old man said, “That aren’t so bad. At least I don’t have Cancer!”

Don’t say, I Told You

I heard it said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she loves the most; but when a man does that, “The slide show begins.”