Who Cares?

While a group of guys were enjoying a night out, one of them asked, “If a Woman is Quiet, what day is it?” The rest of the group chorused, “Who Cares? Just Enjoy that Day.”

When Money Talks

 Joe was just a regular guy, except for the fact that he was an only child and the fact that his billionaire father was breathing his last. Since Joe was a soon to be billionaire, it only made sense that he should have a woman to share his riches with. So, Joe approached his childhood crush and said, “Hey Clara, I may look like a regular guy, but I’m soon gonna be a billionaire! Do you wanna come home with me?” Without hesitation, Clara replied, “Sure thing. I would love to come home with you.” And that’s the story how Clara became Joe’s Stepmother.

Uncanny Drunk Driving Test

A guy was pulled over for speeding. And when the cop approached the car, and noticed lighter fluid, matches, and torches, all in the passenger seat. Motioning to the paraphernalia, the cop asked, “Sir, can I ask why you have that stuff in the car?” And the guy answered, “Well officer, it’s quite simple. I’m a juggler in a circus and this is my equipment!” But the cop clearly not believing him, insisted that he came over to the side of the road, and juggle the torches so he can see if his story was indeed true. Just then an elderly couple cruised by and the old man turned to his wife and said, “Honey, am I glad I finally gave up drinking!  Can you believe the drinking test they are giving now?”

Talk Is Cheap

What I don’t like about most supposedly sentimental messages is their insincerity. So, when I received my first WhatsApp message from one delectable lady this morning which read, “Darling, I wish I had an intelligent alarm clock that would know not to wake me up, when I am dreaming of you.” I replied, “Talk is cheap, yes? Can you put your money where your mouth is?” She promptly replied, “No way! But it sounds sweet, yes?”

Have We Lost It?

Yesterday, a brother asked, "Charles, why don't you rebroadcast, your piece on, "Have We Lost It?" Though I countered, "Why don't you also share it?" I agreed with him. So, here we are; the more the merrier.

Have We Lost It?

Remember those old days? Yes, I mean the good old days, which I would love to bring back, if I had a time machine, or that elusive magic wand. Those were the days, when parents didn’t just teach/tell, but warned their children never to receive or beg from anyone outside their homes; least of all, from strangers. And that was even before the advent of modern religions, which have done us more harm than good. The days when though, our forefathers/foremothers could neither read nor write in any language, were honest, compassionate and morally upright.

Now that we claim to have arrived, and claiming to know the history of other nations more than their own nationals, we have become chronic beggars, among other vices. Our children, students, single, married and unmarried parents, now beg with impunity. They even beg from everyone, including the strangers they can see and those they can’t see. They don’t only claim to have the right to beg bet they even deny those they beg from, the right to refuse. What arrogance? And they justify their unholy behaviours with, “This is Naija.” As if those vices, have been enshrined in our constitution. They beg and receive from, armed robbers, drug pushers, ritual-killers and treasury looters; without an atom of shame.

While they believe that their charms have power over everyone, those who are able to resist, are called names, like stingy and tight-fisted. And I keep asking, “Where are the parents?” Of course the parents are there, but not parenting. The other day, a student was requesting for a new phone, from one of her Aristos. Did I say, requesting? It was more like demanding. When asked what she would do with her old phone, she replied, “I shall give it to my father.” And when further asked, what she would say, if her father wishes to know, how she could afford a new phone? She said, “I would say, God provides.”

And I said under my breath, “That father may be very daft, or he may have been aiding and abetting that and other vices, inclusive.” Each time I want to ask whether the beggars believe, they are believed by the begged, or the begged believe they shall receive value for their money, I pinch and remind myself with, “Why not, if not? Especially with all the diabolical charms, they have acquired. And haven’t we been thoroughly brain-washed to believe, whatever we are told? Can we be more gullible?” Where did we go wrong? Have we really lost our self-esteem? Are we beyond redemption? These and many other questions, are begging for answers.

Which Is More Private?

When during one of her visits to her son’s home, his wife told him, “Honey, please tell your mother to respect our space.” The mother-in-law just smiled and said, “Let us just allow sleeping dogs to lie.” But the wife insisted, “Honey, we must have our private space.” The mother-in-law asked, “Which is more private? Your husband here invaded my most private space and even lived in there for over nine months.”

Some Bible Facts

1.       According to the Bible, David was offered the King's daughter if he came back with 100 foreskins of slain enemies. He came back with 200.

2.       There's no physical description of Jesus in the Bible.

3.       12% of Americans think Joan of Arc was Noah's wife, from the Bible.

4.       The phrase "God never gives you more than you can handle" never appears in the Bible and actually the opposite is said many times.

5.       In the Bible, God sent two bears to murder 42 children because they had mocked a man for being bald.

6.       There is a "Gospel of Judas" not found in the Bible that speaks of Judas as the only one of Jesus' disciples who fully understood his teachings. He turned Jesus over to the Romans because Jesus asked him to.

7.       Satan was never named "Lucifer." The only use of the word Lucifer in the Bible was by Isaiah, who was referring to the fall of Babylon, not Satan.

8.       Nowhere in the Bible does it say there were three wise men, just three gifts.

9.       Nowhere in the Bible does it say that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute or even overtly sexual.

10.   Swearing on the Bible is forbidden by the Bible.

11.   When Menelik II, emperor of Ethiopia, felt unwell, he would eat a few pages of the Bible.

12.   Possessing Bibles, watching South Korean movies and distributing pornography may be punished with death in North Korea.

13.   The King James Bible has inspired the lyrics of more pop songs than any other book.

14.   The Bible is the most shoplifted book in the world.

15.   Most scholars say Jesus never viewed himself as creating a new religion per se, just reforming Judaism.

16.   Leo Da Vinci's studies of river erosion convinced him that Earth is much older than the Bible implies.

17.   Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate birthdays because the only two accounts of birthday parties in the Bible ended in murder.

18.   China is the world's largest supplier of Bibles.

19.   25 million Bibles were printed in 2011, compared to 208 million IKEA catalogs.

20.   The Bible, Steve Jobs' Bio, and the Hunger Games, are the most highlighted kindle books ever.

21.   The Bible is available in 2,454 languages.

22.   Judas sold Jesus for the equivalent of 4 months' pay of a working man.

23.   Bibliomancy is the practice by some people of opening the Bible at random to be guided by whatever verse they see first.

24.   The Bible was Isaac Newton's greatest passion, writing more about religion than science and mathematics.

25.   In 1631, a huge reprint of the King James Bible was recalled and burnt due to a single typo: the Seventh Commandment stated "Thou shalt commit adultery."

26.   There's an organization that parachutes copies of the Bible into North Korea.

27.   The Bible contains plenty of puns, funny names, humorous imagery, sarcasm and irony.

28.   There is a version of the Bible translated into Hawaiian Pidgin called 'Da Jesus Book'.

The Unique Salad Dressing

A new restaurant opened on a High street with an unusually big sign outside, “You name it, we’ll make it! There is no food we can’t make for you!” One day, a man with a heavy Russian accent said to the waiter, “Excuse me sir, I vould like please, A Garden Salad vith Russian dressing.” The head cook screamed, “RUSSIAN DRESSING! I’VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF RUSSIAN DRESSING! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO GIVE THIS GUY?” And the owner said to the cook, “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything. You just make the salad.” And that’s how it happened that two minutes later the waiter walked out with a big Garden Salad and a picture of a Russian man putting on his pants.

Names With Different Meanings

A young man, who has lived all his life in Europe, was excited about visiting America and expanding his horizons. At the airport a woman said to him, “Excuse me, do you happen to be traveling to America?” And the young man responded, “As a matter of fact I am.” The woman then requested, “Do me a favour. My husband left to America 2 months ago and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. If you meet a fellow named John Dun, tell him to call his wife.”

The young man happily complied and was on his way. He was barely in America for an hour when he saw a big building with the words Dun Watches, and he thought, “Wow! That was easy.” He walked into the building and asked the lady behind the desk, “Do you have a John here?” And the lady replied, “Second door on the left.” Just then, he saw a man walking out of the door drying his hands. So he asked, “Are you Dun?” The man replied with a mystified, “Yes!” And the young man said, “Call your wife. She’s been waiting to hear from you.”

The Irony Of Parenting

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk. And just when they are perfecting the arts, we start telling them to sit down and shut up.

The Poor Husband

A lady walked in to the Dentist office to make an appointment and asked, “How much do you charge to pull out a tooth?” The prompt reply was, “It is $130.” And the lady gasped, “$130! That’s ridiculous! There must be a way for you to go cheaper.” The Dentist then thought for a moment and said, “Well, I suppose if we don’t numb it, we could knock off $30.” But the lady countered, “Only $30? That’s still $100. You’ve got to make it cheaper.” After a long pause the Dentist said, “Well, I suppose if we take it out with a wrench we could knock it down to $50.” And the lady happily said, “Perfect! I would like to make an appointment for next Tuesday, for my husband John.”

When Enough Is Enough

This lady felt she had had enough of being poked in the ribs by her old aunts at weddings and saying, “You’re next!” After a while, she figured out how to stop them. So, she started doing the same thing to them at funerals!

The Confused Drunk

A drunk phoned the local police department and cried out, “Thieves have been in my car. And they have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator.” But before the police investigators could start off, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line with a hiccup, “Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake.”

The Unsentimental Valentine Cards

As early as 5 AM yesterday, I received one of those beautiful, flower-studded and amorously worded Valentine Cards from a lady, via my WhatsApp. “How nice,” I thought. And I asked her, “Am I, your Valentine?” And she promptly replied, “Not on your life!” And I asked, “Then why on earth did you send out such sentimental message, without sentiments?” And she responded, “Don’t blame me! Blame the marketing strategists who have designed the system, to make the gullible dole out presents in every manner or form.”

And that reminded me of the time when my two friends and I, went shopping in my neighbourhood shop in Kissimmee, Florida. At the sight of some beautifully designed and greatly worded cards, we went, “Ga Ga, grabbing as much as fifteen different cards each, with childish grins on our faces.” Back in Nigeria, when my friends had finished giving out their cards, I was yet to give out a single one. Before you ask, “Why not,” I will tell you. Every time I wished to give out one of the cards and after re-reading the wordings, a Rotarian voice in me would ask, “Is it the truth?” I guess you are going to say, “But you aren’t a Rotarian.” For your information, I have some Rotarian Chip implants in my brain, which I will strongly recommend for our administrators.

Enjoy Your Life

James wet to the doctor for his yearly medical checkup. And after the usual routine examinations, the doctor said, “Everything is fine. You’re doing OK for your age.” But James protested, “For my age? “I’m only 75. Do you think I’ll make it to 85?”

And the doctor asked, “Do you drink or smoke?” James replied, “No!” Then the doctor asked, “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” Again James replied, “No! I am very careful about what I eat.” The doctor continued, “How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviours like womanizing, speeding or skiing? Though James was taken aback, he said “No! I would never engage in dangerous activities.” Finally the doctor said, “Well, why then in the world would you want to live to be 85?”

How He Got His High Blood Pressure

After examining the patient, the doctor told him, “You have a rather High Blood Pressure.” And the patient just said, “I know. It’s from my family.” And the doctor asked, “Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” The patient replied, “Neither! My wife’s.” The doctor exclaimed, “What! That can’t be. How can you get it from your wife’s family?” And the patient responded, “Oh yeah. You should meet them sometime!”

Misplaced Value

While Solomon was lying on his deathbed and the family was taking turns spending time with him, he was speaking to his young granddaughter when he suddenly smelled an all too familiar smell. Yes, it was the smell of his favorite apple pie! He thought his wife must have been baking it for him to enjoy this one last time, so he asked his granddaughter, “Would you please go ask Grandma for a slice of that Apple Pie? It smells so delicious!” She ran off to fulfill her dying Grandfather’s last wish. But a moment later, she returned empty handed. “Where’s my pie?” questioned Solomon. And his granddaughter replied, “Grandma said it’s not for now. It’s for the funeral.”

Absent From Church

David walked over to the Priest after services and said, “You know Father, I am really stuck in a quandary. I would like to attend church next week but I just can’t miss the big carnival next Sunday. I just can’t. Missing it is just out of the question.” And putting his arm around David, the Priest said, “Oh David David, don’t you know that’s what recorders are for.” David’s face immediately lit up, “You mean I could record your sermon?”

The Cannibal Soup

When two cannibals were having supper, one said to the other, “Your wife makes a great soup” And the other agreed, “Yes, but I am going to miss her terribly.”

A Final Meal

When three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew were condemned to be executed, their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. “Give me some good French wine and French bread,” he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate and drank, and then they executed him.

Next was the Italian’s turn. Give me a big plate of pasta,” said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the turn of the Jew. “I want a big bowl of strawberries,” said the Jew. The captors look at each other and chorused, “Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!” And the Jew said, “So, I’ll wait.”

The Wrong Book

A guy stormed into the Library fuming, slammed a book on the librarian’s desk and screamed, “What type of a stupid book is this? It is just full of names and dates!” And the librarian said calmly, “So you are the jerk who took our attendance register!”

Applying Bankruptcy

A parishioner cried to his Priest, “I just can’t take it anymore! No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to put bread on the table!” And the Priest said to him, “Listen closely to what I am going to tell you. Go to a quiet place outdoors where you can spend some time with the Lord. Sit down with the Bible in front of you and let the wind turn the pages, while you close your eyes and think about the Lord. When you open your eyes, see what page the Bible is opened to, and there you will find your message.”

Three months later the Priest was walking up the church steps when he spotted the parishioner speeding by in a brand new Lexus. “Hey!” screamed the priest incredulously. “What happened? Let me hear your story!” And the parishioner said, “Well, it was just as you said. I sat in a quiet place, closed my eyes, and when I opened them the answer was right in front of me. It was opened to Chapter 11!”

When May I Earn My Living?

As soon as the judge took his seat and the accused put in the box, the judge announced, “John Jones, for breaking into a house in the middle of the night, I hereby sentence you to two years in prison.” And John Jones immediately pleaded, “But your honour, the last time I was here in your court you sentenced me to a year in jail for breaking into a house in the middle of the day! If not in the middle of the night, and not in the middle of the day, just when am I supposed to earn my living?”