The Saving Grace

A new manager spent a week at his new office with the manager he was replacing. On the last day the departing manager told him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve." When three months later there was a major drama, everything was wrong, and feeling very threatened by it all, he remembered the parting words of his predecessor and opened the first envelope. The message inside read, "Blame your predecessor!" He did that and got off the hook.

About half a year later, when the company was experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems, the manager quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. Three months later, at his next crisis, he opened the third envelope. And the message inside said, "Prepare three envelopes!"

The Wrong Birthday Gift

For weeks, couple had been debating the purchase of a new vehicle. While the husband wanted a new double cabin pick-up, his wife wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zoom through traffic around town. He would probably have settled for any beat up old truck, but everything his wife seemed to like was way out of their price range.

Finally, the wife said firmly, "Look, I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up soon. You can surprise me." So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Now, all services have been suspended.

How To Use The Ten Commandments

There were two ministers who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding their bikes and talking. When one Sunday one of the ministers came walking, the other asked, "What happened to your bike?" The second minister replied, "Someone in my congregation stole it?" The first minister said, “I have an idea how to get your bike back. Give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments, and when you get to the part about Thou shall not steal, just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

The next Sunday when the minister rode up on his bike, the first minister said, "Hey, I see my suggestion worked." The second minister responded, "Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery, I remembered where I left the bike."

That’s Proof Enough

After retiring, a man went to the Pensions office to apply for Pensions Fund. When the woman behind the counter asked for his National identification card to verify his age, he looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He then told the woman, “I’m very sorry, I seem to have left it at home. I will have to go home and come back later.”

Then the woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So the man opened his shirt revealing his curly silver hair. And she said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” And she processed his Pensions Fund. When he got home, and excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Pensions Fund office, his wife said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”

The Expensive Friendship

Mike went to his friend Francis and said, “Dear Francis, please help me out. I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?" Though Francis didn’t like the idea but being a good friend, he agreed. So, after mass, he started talking to the priest. He asked him all sorts of irrelevant questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally, the priest got a priestly feeling and said, “My son, confession is good for the soul. What is really bothering you?” Now feeling really guilty Francis said, "Please forgive me. My friend Mike is sleeping with your wife right now. So he asked me to keep you occupied." And the priest smiled, put a brotherly hand on Francis’s shoulder and said, "My son, you better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."

Now You Know

A husband suddenly burst into the kitchen, while his wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for him, and said, "Careful, CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful, CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him, and retorted, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" And the husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"

Why Do They Do That?

When an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist, and a Senator were bragging about how smart their cats were, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Senator and said, "What can your cat do?" The Senator called his cat and said, "Legislator, do your stuff." Legislator jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, screwed the other three cats, and claimed extra allowance for doing so. AND THAT, MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS, IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO BE A LEGISLATOR!