What Is The World Turning Into?

Three fathers were having a quiet drink at their local club and talking about the state of the nation, when suddenly one father said, “I wonder what the world is turning into. I suspect that my 15 year old daughter is smoking. The other day, I found an empty cigarette packet under her bed.” The other two chorused, “Oh no!"

And a second father said, "That's nothing, compared to what I found in the bin, in my 14 year old daughter’s room.” The other asked, “And what did you find?”  The second father replied, “I found two empty miniature liquor bottles.” The other fathers said in unison, "Oh dear!"

Then the third dad said, "Mine's worse than both of those combined. I went into my 15 year old daughter's room and found two used condoms and some tissues." The other two fathers screamed in unison, "Jesus Christ!" The third father added, "Yeah, I didn't even know she had a dick."

Heaven’s Rare Professionals

When a young Catholic couple, who were traveling to get married, died in a fatal car accident, they found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder, if it would be possible to get married in Heaven. When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.”

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and they were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if their prosed marriage didn't work out. Could they get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled, he said, "Yes, you can get married in Heaven." The couple excitedly chorused, “Great.”

But just as St. Peter was about to complete their processing, they asked, “What if things don't work out, could we also get a divorce in Heaven?” St. Peter immediately became red-faced with anger and slammed his clipboard onto the ground. Frightened, the couple further asked, "What's wrong?" St. Peter shouted in response, “OH, COME ON. It took me three months to find a priest up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?”

I Love You, Too

A man picks a ringing phone.

Man: "Hello"

Lady caller: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Lady caller: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,100.00; is it OK if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Lady caller: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Lady caller: "$89,000.00"

Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Lady caller: "Great. Oh, and one more thing, I was just talking to Judith and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $985,000.00 for it."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.00. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-five thousand if it's what you really want."

Lady caller: "OK. I'll see you later. I love you so much."

Man: "Bye. I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Crushed Nuts?

During an off-peak period of the day, a little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and managed to pull himself up, slowly and painfully onto a stool, the waitress appeared before him.

After catching his breath, he asked, “May I have a banana split, please?” The waitress then asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?” And he replied, “Oh! No, Arthritis.”

Customers’ Complaints

When a man boarded a plane with six kids, and had settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He smiled mischievously and replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customers’ complaints."

Unfortunate Dinner Date

A guy takes her girlfriend home to meet his parents, and have dinner. This being her first time of meeting the family, she was understandably very nervous. A few momenta after they had all sat down and began eating a fine meal, the lady began to feel a little discomfort, no thanks, to her nervousness and a beans meal she has had earlier. When the gas pains became unbearable, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Rover!" The lady thought, "This is great." And a big smile came across her face. But when a couple minutes later, she began to feel the pain again, she didn't hesitate to let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Rover!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes."

And a few minutes later when the lady had to let another one rip, she didn't even think about it. She just let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. This time, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Rover, get away from her before she shits on you!"