Uncanny Prescription

When the owner of a drug store walked in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall, he asked the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk replied, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

But when the owner queried, "You idiot, you can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk responded with, "Oh yeah? Look at him now, he's afraid to cough!"

They're Finally Together

Maria was extremely religious. When she was married, she refused to use protection because she felt that birth control was going against God's will. So she and her husband had seventeen kids. One day, Maria's husband got sick and passed away. As time went by, Maria moved on with her life and re-married. Again, she refused to use protection because of her religious beliefs. She and her second husband had fifteen kids.

Again, Maria lost her husband. But, soon after her husband's death, she passed away as well. And during the ceremony at the cemetery, the priest looked down at the coffin then looked up at the sky and said, "They're finally together." This confused one of the family members at the service. After the ceremony, the family member asked the priest, “Father, back at the cemetery when you said, they're finally together, did you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?" The father took a long look at him and said, "I was talking about her legs."

Don’t Need Viagra

A grandfather was playing catch with his grandson one day, when the little boy suddenly stopped, looked the old man straight in the eyes and asked, "Grandpa, are you going to take that new Viagra?" The old man smiled and said, "No, I will not."

Not satisfied with grandpa’s answer, the little boy asked, "But Grandpa, why?" Comfortingly placing a hand on his grandson’s shoulder, the old man explained, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."

Welcome To Our Day Of Change

CHANGE, to Accountability.

CHANGE, to Incorruptibility.

CHANGE, to Morality.

CHANGE, to Good Leadership.

CHANGE, to Good Followership.

CHANGE, to Good Governance.

CHANGE, to Loyalty.

CHANGE, to Contentment.

CHANGE, to Being Our Brothers’ Keepers.

Welcome to the day we were made, in the Image and Likeness of our Creators.

Uncanny Testimony

At the peak of the pastor’s sermon last Sunday, he paused and said, “The Lord is good.” And the congregation chorused, “All the time.” As if on cue, his 15 year old daughter got up and screamed at the top of her voice, “Praise the Lord." And the congregation chorused, “Halleluiah.”

She then continued, "Since I was 12 years old, I always had painful periods. But since brother Paul became our Sunday school teacher, and after some Bible studies and prayer meetings at his house, my period has stopped for the past 3 months. Now, I feel no more pains. You can even see that I am getting fatter and prettier. Praise the Lord." The pastor is still in a comma.

The Seven Dollar Sex

When a couple, who were both well into their 80's, went to a Sex Therapist's office, the doctor asked, “What can I do for you today?” The man replied, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” With both eyebrows raised, but amazed that such an elderly couple, was asking for sexual advice, the doctor agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse” He thanked them for coming, wished them good luck, charged them $50 and bade them good bye.

The next week, the same couple returned and asked the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist was a bit puzzled, but agreed. This happened several weeks in a row. Each time, the couple would make an appointment have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor said, “I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”

The man responded, “We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, so we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charge $98. The Hilton charge $139. We do it here for $50. And best of all, Medicare pays $43 of it.”

Nigeria Has No Business, With Indebtedness

Ladies and gentlemen, I have the pleasure and honour to welcome us to our Administration of Change. Ever since our people decided to give us the opportunity to effect Change in their lives, we have been receiving lots and lots of congratulatory and condolence messages. Congratulatory, because we have been lucky to be so honoured. Condolences, because they feel, and rightfully too, that we are taking over a Nation in deep crises; as if we didn’t know that.

They say, “We are being handed a distressed country without electricity and fuel, where workers are on strike, billions are owed to states and federal workers, 60 billion dollars are owed in national debt and the economy is virtually grounded.” As if we don’t know that. They say, “States and federal government workers are being owed, some 300 billion Naira and 400 billion Naira in salaries, respectively.” As if we don’t know that.

And I say, “We have no problems. We shall neither beg, nor borrow. How can we have any problems, when we have all the money that we will ever need to fix these problems, sitting all around us?  No one needs to be a Rocket Scientist to know that whatever we claim to own, both in properties and finance, don’t genuinely belong to us. To be able to effect the promised change, we must first and foremost, clean up this filthy stable of ours. We must stop playing the ostrich, and refund all that we didn’t deserve. When we have removed the log in our eyes, we shall then see clearly to remove the speck in our neighbours’ eyes. We shall be transparent, and play by the book.”

Though we know, that they know, that we know that whatever they claim to own don’t genuinely belong to them, we shall still enact a “Law Of Accountability/Proof Of Ownership,” among others.

1.       Every property shall be titled, and the owner shall account for it’s acquisition, with relevant tax payments.

2.       All properties that have been acquired with looted funds shall be confiscated.

3.       All monies in commercial banks and the central bank shall be identified, and if found to be looted funds, shall be confiscated otherwise, shall be taxed accordingly.

4.       All foreign account holders with looted funds shall be given an option to voluntarily refund such funds, or be arrested and detained till such funds have been repatriated.

5.       Anyone claiming a property which is suspected to have been acquired with looted funds, shall forfeit same, or be charged for receiving stolen property.

6.       No executive shall receive his or her salary/allowance, until the least paid worker has been paid.

So ladies and gentlemen, may we have the courage to say, “No to Greed, and Yes to Contentment,” that we may move this Nation to great heights.