Why Do They Do These?

During their Sunday lunch, John’s mother observed that he was absent mindedly smiling to himself. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said. And with a broad smile on his face, John announced, "Dad, Mum, I have found myself a wife. She is Agnes, the most beautiful girl in our neighbourhood.” And both parents chorused, “That is great news, son.” After lunch, John’s father took him to his study, sat him down and said, “Though your mother is a wonderful wife and mother, she has never offered me much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with other women a lot. Son, I'm afraid you can't marry Agnes because she is actually your half-sister.”

It took John about nine months to get over the shock. Then he met and started dating Josephine; and later brought her home to meet his parents.  After the introduction, his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Son, I'm awfully sorry about this. Josephine is your half-sister too.” Angrily, John went and complained to his mother saying, "Mum, Dad has done so much harm to my love life. I guess I'm never going to get a wife around here. Every time I fall in love, he tells me the girl is my half-sister." But his mother chuckled, shook her head and said, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

How We Use Petroleum Jelly

While doing his door-to-door market research, he knocked on a door and the door was opened by a beautiful young housewife. He greeted, "Good morning, I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used petroleum jelly?"

The lady smilingly answered, "Yes, of course. My husband and I use it during sex." Though taken aback but impressed by the lady’s response, the researcher continued, “I admire you for your honesty. Can you tell me exactly how you use it?" And the lady replied, "Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."

How Grandma Uses Birth Control Pills

A new doctor told grandma to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her, at her next checkup. And she did. As the young doctor was looking through the list, his eyes grew wide when he saw a prescription for birth control pills. He asked "Mrs. Thomas, do you realize that these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

Grandma smiled, and responded, “Yes, I do. They help me sleep at night." But when the young doctor told her, "Mrs. Thomas, I assure you that there is absolutely NOTHING in these pills that could possibly help you to sleep.” Grandma smiled again and said, "Yes dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. And that helps me to sleep at night."

At A Church Offering

Before the offering rounds in one popular church last Sunday, the Pastor emphasized, “God loves cheerful givers. The more you give, the more you receive.” But when one of the ushers got to Johnson’s row, the words of the Pastor didn’t seem to have impacted on him, as he frantically searched his pocket for a N10 note, which he dropped in the offering basket, before it continued on its way to the end of the row.

Just as the offering basket was getting back to Johnson on its return trip, a gentleman gently tapped him on the shoulder from behind him, and handed him, a N1000 note. Johnson received it, and gleefully dropped it, in the basket. But when he turned around to thank the man, the man said, “Don’t mention it my dear. After all, it fell out of your pocket when you were to make your offering.”

It took the intervention of the Pastor, for Johnson to release the basket.

Uncanny Diagnosis

When a young doctor moved to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring, the older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, “Doctor, I've been a little sick to my stomach.” The older doctor then told her, “Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'

When they left, the younger doctor said, “You didn't even examine that woman. How could you have come to that diagnosis so quickly?” The older doctor responded, “I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.” The younger doctor said, “Huh, pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman, who complained that she just didn't have the energy she once had and added, “I'm feeling terribly run down lately.” The younger doctor told her, “You've probably been doing too much work for the Church. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the older doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?” And the younger doctor replied, “I did what you did at the last house.  I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the deacon under the bed.”

How Many Have You Had?

After two years of marriage, John was still questioning his wife about her lurid past. He would say, "Come on honey, tell me. How many men have you been with?" And the wife would protest, "Baby, if I told you, you'd throw a fit." Then, John would promise, “I wouldn't get angry, I promise. Please tell me.”

So, the wife said, "Okay honey.” She then started to count on her fingers, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven; and then you, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....”

Uncanny Solution

In their late father’s Last Will And Testament, he left an Asset of 17 Camels for his three sons to be shared as follows:- The first son should get half of the 17 Camels, the second son should be given 1/3rd of the 17 Camels, while the third son should be given 1/9th of the 17 Camels. As it wasn’t possible for them to divide 17 into 2, 3 or 9, the sons started to fight with each other. After a while, they decided to take their case, to a wise man.

After the wise man had listened patiently and thoughtfully to their case, he requested that the 17 Camels be brought. When they brought the 17 Camels before him, he added one of his own Camels to make it a total of 18 Camels. Then he started to read their father’s Will, “Half of 18 = 9, so he gave 9 camels to the first son; 1/3rd of 18 = 6, so he gave 6 camels to the second son; and 1/9th of 18 = 2, so he gave 2 camels to the third son. Now add up, 9 + 6 + 2 = 17, and one Camel left over, which the wise man took back.”