Thursday, 25 September 2014

Have We Lost It?



Remember those old days? Yes, I mean the good old days, which I would love to bring back, if I had a time machine, or that elusive magic wand. Those were the days, when parents didn’t just teach/tell, but warned their children never to receive or beg from anyone outside their homes; least of all, from strangers. And that was even before the advent of modern religions, which have done us more harm than good. The days when though, our forefathers/foremothers could neither read nor write in any language, were honest, compassionate and morally upright.

Now that we claim to have arrived, and claiming to know the history of other nations more than their own nationals, we have become chronic beggars, among other vices. Our children, students, single, married and unmarried parents, now beg with impunity. They even beg from everyone, including the strangers they can see and those they can’t see. They don’t only claim to have the right to beg bet they even deny those they beg from, the right to refuse. What arrogance? And they justify their unholy behaviours with, “This is Naija.” As if those vices, have been enshrined in our constitution. They beg and receive from, armed robbers, drug pushers, ritual-killers and treasury looters; without an atom of shame.

While they believe that their charms have power over everyone, those who are able to resist, are called names, like stingy and tight-fisted. And I keep asking, “Where are the parents?” Of course the parents are there, but not parenting. The other day, a student was requesting for a new phone, from one of her Aristos. Did I say, requesting? It was more like demanding. When asked what she would do with her old phone, she replied, “I shall give it to my father.” And when further asked, what she would say, if her father wishes to know, how she could afford a new phone? She said, “I would say, God provides.”

And I said under my breath, “That father may be very daft, or he may have been aiding and abetting that and other vices, inclusive.” Each time I want to ask whether the beggars believe, they are believed by the begged, or the begged believe they shall receive value for their money, I pinch and remind myself with, “Why not, if not? Especially with all the diabolical charms, they have acquired. And haven’t we been thoroughly brain-washed to believe, whatever we are told? Can we be more gullible?” Where did we go wrong? Have we really lost our self-esteem? Are we beyond redemption? These and many other questions, are begging for answers.

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

How You Get Jewelry



While in the kitchen making her family dinner, her daughter walks in and asks. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”

The daughter seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” The mother smiles, and replies, “Jewelry my dear, you get Jewelry.”

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

At The Cannibal Restaurant



While walking through the jungle, a hungry cannibal came upon a restaurant which was being operated by a fellow cannibal, from another tribe.

Feeling lucky, he walked in, took a seat and looked up the menu.

Broiled Missionary: N100.00

Fried Explorer: N150.00

Roasted Politician: N1000.00.

Not satisfied with the pricing, he requested to see the restaurateur. When the restaurateur arrived, the cannibal asked, "Why do you have such a price difference for the politician?"

"Have you ever tried to clean up a politician?" The restaurateur replied.

Monday, 22 September 2014

At Sunday School



Jane wasn't the best Scripture pupil at Sunday school and she among other things, often fell asleep. One day while asleep as usual during Sunday school, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joseph who was sitting next to her decides to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Jane jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her.

A little later while Jane was asleep again, the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and saviour?" Joseph poked her again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again.

Later on, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joseph poked Jane again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"

Sunday, 21 September 2014

A Shocking Find



One evening while three nuns were chatting, the first nun says, "When I was cleaning in Father's room the other day, you won’t believe what I found.” The other two chorused, “What did you find?” The first nun answers, “A bunch of pornographic magazines." The other two then asked, "And what did you do?" The first nun replies, "Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun says, "Well, I can top that. Last week while I was in Father's room putting away the laundry, I found a bunch of condoms." "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns, in unison. "What did you do?" They asked. "I poked holes in all of them." she replies. The third nun screams, “Holy Mary, Mother of Jesus!” She is still being revived.

Saturday, 20 September 2014

The After Church Golf Game



One bright Sunday afternoon, after church service, the trio of Jesus, Moses, and an old man, decided to unwind with a game of golf. As soon as they arrived at the golf club, they picked their golf carts and headed for the Teeing point.

The first person to tee off was Moses. He hits the ball and as it was heading right for the water hazard before the green, Moses raised his club, the water parted, and the ball made it to the green. The other two seemingly looked amazed, but said nothing.

Jesus then got his turn. He gets up to swing, cranks it out, and as his ball also headed for the water hazard, he closed his eyes and prayed. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. His two companions exchanged glances and shrugged their shoulders.

The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. And as the ball looked like it was going to drop directly into the water, a fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, just as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. And as the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making it a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "Next time, I’m leaving Dad at home."