At Your Wedding

At a wedding reception, a Priest was seated next to an Imam. And when the meal tray arrived, the Priest asked for the Pork chops while the Imam had Chicken breast. A few minutes into their meals, the Priest looked at the Imam, teasingly licked his lips and said, “Wow, this Pork chops really taste good. I know it’s against your religion, but when are you going to be realistic and finally have some?” The Imam thought for a moment, smiled and responded, “That will be at your wedding!”

The Private Investigator

When a man suspected his wife was seeing another man, he hired a private investigator to watch and report on her activities. On the third day, he received the following report.

MOST HONORABLE SIR,

YOU LEAVE HOUSE, I WATCH HOUSE.

HE COME TO HOUSE, I WATCH.

HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE, I FOLLOW.

HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL, I CLIMB TREE AND I LOOK IN WINDOW.

HE KISS SHE, SHE KISS HE.

HE STRIP SHE, SHE STRIP HE.

HE PLAY WITH SHE, SHE PLAY WITH HE.

I PLAY WITH ME, AND I FALL OUT OF TREE. I NOT SEE.

NO FEE.

BOB LEE.

In This Journey Called Life

In this journey that we call life, everything happens for a reason. Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there. They serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be; your roommate, your neighbour, professor, long lost friend, lover or even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way. And sometimes things happen to you and at the time they seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would never have realized your potential, strength and will power of heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments or true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of the soul. Without these small tests, if they be events, illnesses or relationships, life would be like a smooth paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe and comfort but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet who affect your life and successes and downfalls you experience, they are the ones who create who you are. Even the bad experience can be learned from. Those lessons are the hardest and probably the most important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart; forgive them, for they have helped you to learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally; not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them. Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen, let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it. I wish you all the best in your endeavours as well as struggles in this journey we call life. Have a fighting spirit and never hesitate to get back in the struggle.

A Grateful Wife’s Offer

Though a wife was really pissed off when she found out that her husband was cheating on her with a woman named Susan, she decided to formally offer her, her husband with the following letter.

Dear Susan,

While I thank you for leaving bite marks all over my husband’s chest last night, I wish you to know that you have just saved my family from a nightmare. And to reward you for your services, I am offering you my husband for keeps. Please note that your prize comes with the following.

Since he'll soon be broke, be prepared to support him in all ways! You are going to have to financially support him, because as you already know, we have two children which means, he will have to give up a sizeable chunk of his pay and other earnings to support them in the manner they deserve. Also keep in mind that since he has kept me a stay at home mother for the better part of 12 years, he will also be paying me alimony. So forget about his money honey because it’s mine!

You will have to provide him with new attire. You see after he stepped from our (now mine) shower this morning dripping wet and naked is when I discovered your “love bites.” And it just so happened that at that exact moment a giant black hole appeared in my home and devoured almost all of his clothing. Therefore, he will come to you almost naked (lucky you). The bright side is that you can now dress him any way you wish.

What you should never do is get between his children’s relationship with him. You will be giving him up every other weekend to be with his children. And since he had openly admitted in front of several people that you are just some dumb drunk that he met at the pub, you will be banned from these visits for fear for my children’s safety.

I know you didn’t make love to him last night and you will not be having a proper sex life, because since his back injury 5 years ago, his manhood hasn’t worked right. Too bad for you because before then, it was the best sex ever and we made love all the time! No, it can’t be fixed! Its nerve got damaged! So, deal with it. And no, you will not return him to me because I won’t have him back. He messed up when he touched you! I was a good wife to him and he had a good thing here. And I know you can’t live up to me and he will make you miserable for it! Good Bye.

Uncanny Honesty

One evening a man walked up to a beautiful lady sitting by herself in a bar and said, “Hi, I’m a Senator, and I’m an honest man. May I buy you a drink, a dinner and a boutique?” The lady smiled knowingly and responded, “Hi, I’m a prostitute and I’m a virgin.”

A Good Relationship

A good relationship is when two

people accept each other’s past.

Support each other’s present.

And love each other enough to

encourage each other’s future.

So don’t rush love.

Seek for a partner who will

encourage you to grow.

Who won’t cling to you.

Who will let you go out

into the world, and trust

that you will come back.

This is what true love is all about.

Some Facts To Remember

Here are some important facts to remember as you grow older.

1.       Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

2.       Life is sexually transmitted.

3.       Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

4.       Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a person how to use the Internet and he won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

5.       Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital and dying of nothing.

6.       All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

7.       In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make the world normal.

8.       Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long.