Uncanny Drunk Driving Test

A guy was pulled over for speeding. And when the cop approached the car, and noticed lighter fluid, matches, and torches, all in the passenger seat. Motioning to the paraphernalia, the cop asked, “Sir, can I ask why you have that stuff in the car?” And the guy answered, “Well officer, it’s quite simple. I’m a juggler in a circus and this is my equipment!” But the cop clearly not believing him, insisted that he came over to the side of the road, and juggle the torches so he can see if his story was indeed true. Just then an elderly couple cruised by and the old man turned to his wife and said, “Honey, am I glad I finally gave up drinking!  Can you believe the drinking test they are giving now?”

Talk Is Cheap

What I don’t like about most supposedly sentimental messages is their insincerity. So, when I received my first WhatsApp message from one delectable lady this morning which read, “Darling, I wish I had an intelligent alarm clock that would know not to wake me up, when I am dreaming of you.” I replied, “Talk is cheap, yes? Can you put your money where your mouth is?” She promptly replied, “No way! But it sounds sweet, yes?”

Have We Lost It?

Yesterday, a brother asked, "Charles, why don't you rebroadcast, your piece on, "Have We Lost It?" Though I countered, "Why don't you also share it?" I agreed with him. So, here we are; the more the merrier.

Have We Lost It?

Remember those old days? Yes, I mean the good old days, which I would love to bring back, if I had a time machine, or that elusive magic wand. Those were the days, when parents didn’t just teach/tell, but warned their children never to receive or beg from anyone outside their homes; least of all, from strangers. And that was even before the advent of modern religions, which have done us more harm than good. The days when though, our forefathers/foremothers could neither read nor write in any language, were honest, compassionate and morally upright.

Now that we claim to have arrived, and claiming to know the history of other nations more than their own nationals, we have become chronic beggars, among other vices. Our children, students, single, married and unmarried parents, now beg with impunity. They even beg from everyone, including the strangers they can see and those they can’t see. They don’t only claim to have the right to beg bet they even deny those they beg from, the right to refuse. What arrogance? And they justify their unholy behaviours with, “This is Naija.” As if those vices, have been enshrined in our constitution. They beg and receive from, armed robbers, drug pushers, ritual-killers and treasury looters; without an atom of shame.

While they believe that their charms have power over everyone, those who are able to resist, are called names, like stingy and tight-fisted. And I keep asking, “Where are the parents?” Of course the parents are there, but not parenting. The other day, a student was requesting for a new phone, from one of her Aristos. Did I say, requesting? It was more like demanding. When asked what she would do with her old phone, she replied, “I shall give it to my father.” And when further asked, what she would say, if her father wishes to know, how she could afford a new phone? She said, “I would say, God provides.”

And I said under my breath, “That father may be very daft, or he may have been aiding and abetting that and other vices, inclusive.” Each time I want to ask whether the beggars believe, they are believed by the begged, or the begged believe they shall receive value for their money, I pinch and remind myself with, “Why not, if not? Especially with all the diabolical charms, they have acquired. And haven’t we been thoroughly brain-washed to believe, whatever we are told? Can we be more gullible?” Where did we go wrong? Have we really lost our self-esteem? Are we beyond redemption? These and many other questions, are begging for answers.

Which Is More Private?

When during one of her visits to her son’s home, his wife told him, “Honey, please tell your mother to respect our space.” The mother-in-law just smiled and said, “Let us just allow sleeping dogs to lie.” But the wife insisted, “Honey, we must have our private space.” The mother-in-law asked, “Which is more private? Your husband here invaded my most private space and even lived in there for over nine months.”

Some Bible Facts

1.       According to the Bible, David was offered the King's daughter if he came back with 100 foreskins of slain enemies. He came back with 200.

2.       There's no physical description of Jesus in the Bible.

3.       12% of Americans think Joan of Arc was Noah's wife, from the Bible.

4.       The phrase "God never gives you more than you can handle" never appears in the Bible and actually the opposite is said many times.

5.       In the Bible, God sent two bears to murder 42 children because they had mocked a man for being bald.

6.       There is a "Gospel of Judas" not found in the Bible that speaks of Judas as the only one of Jesus' disciples who fully understood his teachings. He turned Jesus over to the Romans because Jesus asked him to.

7.       Satan was never named "Lucifer." The only use of the word Lucifer in the Bible was by Isaiah, who was referring to the fall of Babylon, not Satan.

8.       Nowhere in the Bible does it say there were three wise men, just three gifts.

9.       Nowhere in the Bible does it say that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute or even overtly sexual.

10.   Swearing on the Bible is forbidden by the Bible.

11.   When Menelik II, emperor of Ethiopia, felt unwell, he would eat a few pages of the Bible.

12.   Possessing Bibles, watching South Korean movies and distributing pornography may be punished with death in North Korea.

13.   The King James Bible has inspired the lyrics of more pop songs than any other book.

14.   The Bible is the most shoplifted book in the world.

15.   Most scholars say Jesus never viewed himself as creating a new religion per se, just reforming Judaism.

16.   Leo Da Vinci's studies of river erosion convinced him that Earth is much older than the Bible implies.

17.   Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate birthdays because the only two accounts of birthday parties in the Bible ended in murder.

18.   China is the world's largest supplier of Bibles.

19.   25 million Bibles were printed in 2011, compared to 208 million IKEA catalogs.

20.   The Bible, Steve Jobs' Bio, and the Hunger Games, are the most highlighted kindle books ever.

21.   The Bible is available in 2,454 languages.

22.   Judas sold Jesus for the equivalent of 4 months' pay of a working man.

23.   Bibliomancy is the practice by some people of opening the Bible at random to be guided by whatever verse they see first.

24.   The Bible was Isaac Newton's greatest passion, writing more about religion than science and mathematics.

25.   In 1631, a huge reprint of the King James Bible was recalled and burnt due to a single typo: the Seventh Commandment stated "Thou shalt commit adultery."

26.   There's an organization that parachutes copies of the Bible into North Korea.

27.   The Bible contains plenty of puns, funny names, humorous imagery, sarcasm and irony.

28.   There is a version of the Bible translated into Hawaiian Pidgin called 'Da Jesus Book'.

The Unique Salad Dressing

A new restaurant opened on a High street with an unusually big sign outside, “You name it, we’ll make it! There is no food we can’t make for you!” One day, a man with a heavy Russian accent said to the waiter, “Excuse me sir, I vould like please, A Garden Salad vith Russian dressing.” The head cook screamed, “RUSSIAN DRESSING! I’VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF RUSSIAN DRESSING! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO GIVE THIS GUY?” And the owner said to the cook, “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything. You just make the salad.” And that’s how it happened that two minutes later the waiter walked out with a big Garden Salad and a picture of a Russian man putting on his pants.

Names With Different Meanings

A young man, who has lived all his life in Europe, was excited about visiting America and expanding his horizons. At the airport a woman said to him, “Excuse me, do you happen to be traveling to America?” And the young man responded, “As a matter of fact I am.” The woman then requested, “Do me a favour. My husband left to America 2 months ago and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. If you meet a fellow named John Dun, tell him to call his wife.”

The young man happily complied and was on his way. He was barely in America for an hour when he saw a big building with the words Dun Watches, and he thought, “Wow! That was easy.” He walked into the building and asked the lady behind the desk, “Do you have a John here?” And the lady replied, “Second door on the left.” Just then, he saw a man walking out of the door drying his hands. So he asked, “Are you Dun?” The man replied with a mystified, “Yes!” And the young man said, “Call your wife. She’s been waiting to hear from you.”