The Irony Of Parenting

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk. And just when they are perfecting the arts, we start telling them to sit down and shut up.

The Poor Husband

A lady walked in to the Dentist office to make an appointment and asked, “How much do you charge to pull out a tooth?” The prompt reply was, “It is $130.” And the lady gasped, “$130! That’s ridiculous! There must be a way for you to go cheaper.” The Dentist then thought for a moment and said, “Well, I suppose if we don’t numb it, we could knock off $30.” But the lady countered, “Only $30? That’s still $100. You’ve got to make it cheaper.” After a long pause the Dentist said, “Well, I suppose if we take it out with a wrench we could knock it down to $50.” And the lady happily said, “Perfect! I would like to make an appointment for next Tuesday, for my husband John.”

When Enough Is Enough

This lady felt she had had enough of being poked in the ribs by her old aunts at weddings and saying, “You’re next!” After a while, she figured out how to stop them. So, she started doing the same thing to them at funerals!

The Confused Drunk

A drunk phoned the local police department and cried out, “Thieves have been in my car. And they have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator.” But before the police investigators could start off, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line with a hiccup, “Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake.”

The Unsentimental Valentine Cards

As early as 5 AM yesterday, I received one of those beautiful, flower-studded and amorously worded Valentine Cards from a lady, via my WhatsApp. “How nice,” I thought. And I asked her, “Am I, your Valentine?” And she promptly replied, “Not on your life!” And I asked, “Then why on earth did you send out such sentimental message, without sentiments?” And she responded, “Don’t blame me! Blame the marketing strategists who have designed the system, to make the gullible dole out presents in every manner or form.”

And that reminded me of the time when my two friends and I, went shopping in my neighbourhood shop in Kissimmee, Florida. At the sight of some beautifully designed and greatly worded cards, we went, “Ga Ga, grabbing as much as fifteen different cards each, with childish grins on our faces.” Back in Nigeria, when my friends had finished giving out their cards, I was yet to give out a single one. Before you ask, “Why not,” I will tell you. Every time I wished to give out one of the cards and after re-reading the wordings, a Rotarian voice in me would ask, “Is it the truth?” I guess you are going to say, “But you aren’t a Rotarian.” For your information, I have some Rotarian Chip implants in my brain, which I will strongly recommend for our administrators.

Enjoy Your Life

James wet to the doctor for his yearly medical checkup. And after the usual routine examinations, the doctor said, “Everything is fine. You’re doing OK for your age.” But James protested, “For my age? “I’m only 75. Do you think I’ll make it to 85?”

And the doctor asked, “Do you drink or smoke?” James replied, “No!” Then the doctor asked, “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” Again James replied, “No! I am very careful about what I eat.” The doctor continued, “How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviours like womanizing, speeding or skiing? Though James was taken aback, he said “No! I would never engage in dangerous activities.” Finally the doctor said, “Well, why then in the world would you want to live to be 85?”

How He Got His High Blood Pressure

After examining the patient, the doctor told him, “You have a rather High Blood Pressure.” And the patient just said, “I know. It’s from my family.” And the doctor asked, “Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” The patient replied, “Neither! My wife’s.” The doctor exclaimed, “What! That can’t be. How can you get it from your wife’s family?” And the patient responded, “Oh yeah. You should meet them sometime!”