Misplaced Value

While Solomon was lying on his deathbed and the family was taking turns spending time with him, he was speaking to his young granddaughter when he suddenly smelled an all too familiar smell. Yes, it was the smell of his favorite apple pie! He thought his wife must have been baking it for him to enjoy this one last time, so he asked his granddaughter, “Would you please go ask Grandma for a slice of that Apple Pie? It smells so delicious!” She ran off to fulfill her dying Grandfather’s last wish. But a moment later, she returned empty handed. “Where’s my pie?” questioned Solomon. And his granddaughter replied, “Grandma said it’s not for now. It’s for the funeral.”

Absent From Church

David walked over to the Priest after services and said, “You know Father, I am really stuck in a quandary. I would like to attend church next week but I just can’t miss the big carnival next Sunday. I just can’t. Missing it is just out of the question.” And putting his arm around David, the Priest said, “Oh David David, don’t you know that’s what recorders are for.” David’s face immediately lit up, “You mean I could record your sermon?”

The Cannibal Soup

When two cannibals were having supper, one said to the other, “Your wife makes a great soup” And the other agreed, “Yes, but I am going to miss her terribly.”

A Final Meal

When three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew were condemned to be executed, their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. “Give me some good French wine and French bread,” he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate and drank, and then they executed him.

Next was the Italian’s turn. Give me a big plate of pasta,” said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the turn of the Jew. “I want a big bowl of strawberries,” said the Jew. The captors look at each other and chorused, “Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!” And the Jew said, “So, I’ll wait.”

The Wrong Book

A guy stormed into the Library fuming, slammed a book on the librarian’s desk and screamed, “What type of a stupid book is this? It is just full of names and dates!” And the librarian said calmly, “So you are the jerk who took our attendance register!”

Applying Bankruptcy

A parishioner cried to his Priest, “I just can’t take it anymore! No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to put bread on the table!” And the Priest said to him, “Listen closely to what I am going to tell you. Go to a quiet place outdoors where you can spend some time with the Lord. Sit down with the Bible in front of you and let the wind turn the pages, while you close your eyes and think about the Lord. When you open your eyes, see what page the Bible is opened to, and there you will find your message.”

Three months later the Priest was walking up the church steps when he spotted the parishioner speeding by in a brand new Lexus. “Hey!” screamed the priest incredulously. “What happened? Let me hear your story!” And the parishioner said, “Well, it was just as you said. I sat in a quiet place, closed my eyes, and when I opened them the answer was right in front of me. It was opened to Chapter 11!”

When May I Earn My Living?

As soon as the judge took his seat and the accused put in the box, the judge announced, “John Jones, for breaking into a house in the middle of the night, I hereby sentence you to two years in prison.” And John Jones immediately pleaded, “But your honour, the last time I was here in your court you sentenced me to a year in jail for breaking into a house in the middle of the day! If not in the middle of the night, and not in the middle of the day, just when am I supposed to earn my living?”