When The Lord Spoke To Noah Again

The Lord spoke to Noah again, in the year 2004. This time, Noah was living in the United States of America. And the Lord said, "Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans. You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

And six months later when the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his compound, but with no Ark in sight, the Lord roared, "Noah, I'm about to start the rains! Where is the Ark?" And Noah begged, "Forgive me, Lord. But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my compound and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.”

Noah continued, "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls too. But they won’t have any of that. When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-proof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

And in conclusion, Noah pleaded, “So, forgive me Lord, for it will take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean You're not going to destroy the world again?" And the Lord said, “No, the government beat me to it."

How They Know

A nun who really needed to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub, and approached the bartender. Though the place was hopping with music and dancing, every once in a while the lights would turn off. And each time the lights turned off, the place would erupt with cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She then walked up to the bartender, and asked," May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." And the nun asked, "Why not?" Hesitantly, the bartender said, "Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf." And the nun just said, "Nonsense, I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. When she came back out, though the whole place was still hopping with music and dancing, they however did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. So she went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the restroom?" And then the bartender responded, "Well, now they know you're one of us. Would you like a drink?" Puzzled, the nun said, "But, I still don't understand." And the bartender laughed, and explained, "You see, every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted, the lights go out in the whole place. Now how about that drink Sister?”

Valentine Quiz

What is the difference between a complete man, a finished man, and a completely finished man?

Answer: A complete man is he that married the right woman; and a finished man is he that married the wrong woman; while, if the right woman catches the man with the wrong woman, he would be completely finished.

What Is Wrong With That?

All call girls seek men, to pay their bills.

Some ladies seek men, to pay their bills.

So, what is wrong with a man, seeking a lady who can pay her own bills?

The Confession_1

When the parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish, a leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. But when the politician was delayed in traffic, the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

He said, "You understand that the seal of the confessional can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife and liked to have sex with young boys. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Thou Shalt Keep The Sabbath Holy

A man, who wanted to keep the commandments, wondered if having sex on the Sabbath was a sin; because he wasn’t sure if sex is work or play. So he went to a priest and asked for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest said, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man said to himself, "What does a priest know about sex?" So he went to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. When he asked the minister, he received the same reply, “Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath.” Not pleased with the reply, he decided to seek out a Rabbi. Afterwards, a Rabbi is a man with thousands of years of tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi pondered on the question then said, "My son, sex is definitely play."

Now with mixed feelings, the man asked, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure, when other men of God are saying that, sex is work?" And the Rabbi spoke softly, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it."

How To Please The People

When the Pope was finishing his sermon, he ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini." Which translated, means, “Blessed be Mankind.” The next day, a women's rights group approached the Pope with their observation, that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

So after his sermon the next day, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" Which translated, means, “Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.” And not to be outdone, a gay rights group approached the Pope the next day and said, “We noticed you blessed Mankind and Womankind. We would appreciate if you could also bless gay people.” And the Pope said, "Sure, no problem."

And the next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti.”