No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts club. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance. When one of them approached the colonel for conversation, she said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?" The colonel responded, "No, just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax, and enjoy yourself." The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?" And the colonel looked at her and replied, "1955." Then she said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously.  I mean no sex since 1955. Isn't that a little extreme?" The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"

Rigorous Exercise For The Over 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Friends For Life!

In this world things come and go.

With life's twists and turns it's hard to determine what the future may hold.

The only real guarantee is nothing stays the same, and least when we expect it our lives are changed.

If by some chance, we happen to lose touch, please know that I'll be thinking of you and missing you very much.

So before today ends, I want to say I'm thankful that we're friends, yesterday and today.

With time and good fortune on our side, I hope that we see forever and stay ….

Friends For Life!

Have a blessed, healthful and love-filled weekend.

At The Barbershop

When two elderly gentlemen were both just getting finished with their shaves, and the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces, one of the gentlemen shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The other gentleman turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

When A Widow Insisted

A widow took a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral, and to her horror, found that he was in his brown suit. She'd specifically told to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose.

The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.” Then the lady asked, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into his blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happened that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads."

Our Daily Prayer

Dear Papa God,

While we appreciate and thank You for our, “Ongoing Changes,” we pray for a, “Complete and total eradication of any form of Governance that screws the Working Class, ignores the Masses and don’t give a damn about the Future. And grant them, Shamefulness.

And just as You did in the beginning, please un-speak the word; and we shall be rid of Corruption in all its ramifications. In all your sons’ and daughters’ names, we pray.

Amen

The Undomesticated Bride

One day, Tunde  told his beautiful new bride, “Honey, I would like fruit salad for dinner tonight.” Later in the evening when Tunde brought a friend home, they were surprised when a naked bride came to serve the fruit salad. In shock, the husband exclaimed, “Oh my God! What on earth are you doing without your clothes?” She responded, “But the recipe said to serve without dressing.”

The New Human Resources Director

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new Human Resources Director. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. When on a tour of the facilities, the HRD noticed a guy leaning on a wall in a room full of workers he thought it was his chance to show everyone he meant business.

The HRD walked up to the guy and asked, "And how much money do you make per week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $200.00 a week. Why do you ask?" The HRD then handed the guy $200 in cash and screamed, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the HRD looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker does here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers muttered, "He's the pizza delivery guy."

Can’t You Stand Still?

During camouflage training in the forest, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

The solder then apologetically responded, "Yes sir. But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger one, say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter,” that did it.

Reacting To Being Dumped?

A guy who travelled overseas, in search of the proverbial golden fleece, was annoyed and very upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note that read, "I regret that I can’t remember which one is yours. Please keep your photo and return the others."

Who Can You Trust?

When all the good knights were leaving for the Crusades, one knight told his best friend, "My bride is without a doubt, one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The Company of knights was only a mile or so out of town, when they noticed a cloud of dust coming after them. Thinking it might be an important message from the town, the column halted. The approaching horseman was the knight's best friend, and he yelled "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

Such Is Life

While Good days give you HAPPINESS, BAD days give you EXPERIENCES.

While SUCCESS keeps you GLOWING, FAILURES keep you HUMBLE.

But only your FAITH, will keep you GOING.

Beware Of Wives That Can't Take Jokes

During a seminar last summer, a famous inspirational speaker said, “The Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn’t my wife.” As the Audience went into shock, and an unholy silence enveloped the hall, he added, “She was my mother.” A big round of applause and laughter roared through out the hall.

After the seminar, a very daring husband tried to crack this joke at home. So one evening after dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen, “The Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn’t my wife.” As he stood there for a moment, trying to remember the second line of the speaker’s joke, it happened. He woke up a few days later on a hospital bed, recovering from a fractured skull.

Being Equipped

The other day when a Marine Corps General was being interviewed on the radio by a female Interviewer, she asked, “So, General, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?” The General responded, “We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.” And the Interviewer exclaimed, “Shooting! Isn't that a bit irresponsible?” Then the General explained, “I don't see why. They'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.”

After a short pause, the Interviewer asked, “Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?” The General replied, “I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.” And the Interviewer insisted and said, “But you're equipping them, to become violent killers.” The General then said, “Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one. Are you?”

The Price Of Arrogance

A general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room. He would complain that his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted as he wish, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest, and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room, went to the general and said, "Time to take your temperature, General." After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. But the orderly said, "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." When a whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his ass, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you." An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare ass in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" And the general barked, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" The head nurse responded, "Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

What A Reward!

A fellow came to confession, and said. "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." And the priest asked, "What did you do, my son?" The fellow replied, "I lusted." And the priest said, "Tell me all about it." Then the fellow began, "Father, I am a mail man for the Post Office. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She was tall, busty, with eyes like emeralds and dressed in a sexy satin dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

Then the priest asked, "And, what did you do, my son?" And the fellow replied, "Father, I didn’t go into the house. But I lusted. Oh, how I lusted!" The priest then said, "Your sin has been forgiven, my son. You will receive your reward in heaven." Obviously pleased with such a prospect, the fellow asked, "A reward father? What do you think my reward would be?" And the priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

Is It Confessional?

An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest asked, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" And the old man replied, "Never Father, I'm Jewish." The priest paused, and then asked, "So then, why are you telling me?" The old man responded, "Hey, I'm telling everybody."

The Silent Killer

A Doctor who was addressing a large audience at a health seminar, said, "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.”

He continued, “But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" fter several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Why Aren’t These, Brains?

While a man and his bride were flying to a distant Island for their honeymoon, the Captain announced, “One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left.” Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left.”

When an hour later the Captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left.” The bride turned to her husband and said, “If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day.” The man looked hard and pitiably at his beautiful and busty wife, then exclaimed, “Oh God, why aren’t these, brains?”

The Misapplied Medication

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, the doctor asked, “How have you been?” And the patient replied, “I’m having trouble with one of my medications.” And the doctor asked, “Which one of your medications?" The patient responded, “The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it."

When the doctor asked the patient to quickly undress, he discovered what he had hoped he wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body. Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

What Is Marriage?

During a Marriage Seminar, the speaker asked, “What is marriage?” After a chorus of mumblings had died down, one shy man stood up and said, “Marriage is a ceremony in which a ring is put on the finger of the lady, while rings are put around the hands and feet of the man.”

Before the ovation died, another man said, “Marriage is an eye-opener. Because, one never knows what happiness is, until he gets married; but then it is too late. When we held hands before marriage, it was love; but after marriage, it has become self-defense." Then the speaker asked, “Why then do we seek marriage?” And another man responded, “I guess, man is self-destructive.”

The Aborted Test

While performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test, the doctor placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand and read." The patient read the 20/20 line perfectly. And the doctor said, “Now your left eye." Again, a flawless read.

Then the doctor requested, “Now both." And there was silence. The patient couldn't even read the large E on the top line. The doctor turned and discovered that, the patient had done exactly what he had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. The doctor laughed too hard, to complete the test.

A Heart Choice

At a hospital’s Emergency Unit, the doctor told a man who has had a heart attack, “You will not live unless you have a heart transplant right away.” Just then, another doctor ran into the room and said, "You're in luck. Two hearts have just become available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to a lawyer and the other to a social worker".

Without hesitation, the man responded, "The lawyer's, please." But the doctor asked, "Wait a minute! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?" And the man replied, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts, and lawyers usually never use theirs. So I'll take the lawyer's."

Visitation

I love Santa Claus.

He has the right ideas.

Visit people only once a year.

                                                                       And visit with your presents!!!

A Scientific Fact

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Preosllnay I dno’t tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese. Waht do you tnihk?

A Billing Effect

While on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit, a popular young lawyer suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven and Hell. But before St. Peter could pronounce judgment, the lawyer protested, "I'm much too young to die, considering that I'm only 35." St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be recalled, and agreed to look into his case.

When St. Peter returned, he told the lawyer, "My son, I'm afraid that the mistake must have been yours. According to the number of hours that you've billed to your clients, you're at least 110."

How They Make Surgical Gloves

While getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth, the dentist noticed that the lady was a little nervous. So he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves. He started, "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" And the lady replied. "No."

Then the dentist continued, "Well, in the factory, they set up a large tank of latex and the workers are all picked according to their hand sizes. They walk up to the tank, dip their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands. Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

But the lady didn't laugh a bit. Five minutes into the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing, blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they would make Condoms.”

The Mother-in-law Phobia

As a lady who was scheduled to fly abroad, to visit her husband serving in the military arrived at the check-in counter, the ticket agent asked her some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?"

The lady told him that her mother-in-law had given her a parcel, to take to her son. The ticket agent looked at her quizzically, and then asked, "Does she like you?"