No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts club. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance. When one of them approached the colonel for conversation, she said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?" The colonel responded, "No, just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax, and enjoy yourself." The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?" And the colonel looked at her and replied, "1955." Then she said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously.  I mean no sex since 1955. Isn't that a little extreme?" The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"

Rigorous Exercise For The Over 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Friends For Life!

In this world things come and go.

With life's twists and turns it's hard to determine what the future may hold.

The only real guarantee is nothing stays the same, and least when we expect it our lives are changed.

If by some chance, we happen to lose touch, please know that I'll be thinking of you and missing you very much.

So before today ends, I want to say I'm thankful that we're friends, yesterday and today.

With time and good fortune on our side, I hope that we see forever and stay ….

Friends For Life!

Have a blessed, healthful and love-filled weekend.

At The Barbershop

When two elderly gentlemen were both just getting finished with their shaves, and the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces, one of the gentlemen shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The other gentleman turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

When A Widow Insisted

A widow took a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral, and to her horror, found that he was in his brown suit. She'd specifically told to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose.

The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.” Then the lady asked, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into his blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happened that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads."

Our Daily Prayer

Dear Papa God,

While we appreciate and thank You for our, “Ongoing Changes,” we pray for a, “Complete and total eradication of any form of Governance that screws the Working Class, ignores the Masses and don’t give a damn about the Future. And grant them, Shamefulness.

And just as You did in the beginning, please un-speak the word; and we shall be rid of Corruption in all its ramifications. In all your sons’ and daughters’ names, we pray.

Amen

The Undomesticated Bride

One day, Tunde  told his beautiful new bride, “Honey, I would like fruit salad for dinner tonight.” Later in the evening when Tunde brought a friend home, they were surprised when a naked bride came to serve the fruit salad. In shock, the husband exclaimed, “Oh my God! What on earth are you doing without your clothes?” She responded, “But the recipe said to serve without dressing.”