The Biblical Thief

One night when a home owner caught a man removing items within his home, and screamed at him, “What the hell do you think you are doing, stealing my things?” The man said, "Like I told you in the bible, I come like a thief! Blessed is the one who stays awake and remains clothed, so as not to go naked and be shamefully exposed." And the home owner then said, “Very well! You have fallen into the hands of Pontius Pilate again! “

Economic Reasoning

Spurred by the economic recession, a man went to his son’s school, met with principal and said, “I want to negotiate my son’s school fees.” And the principal asked, “And how do you wish to go about that?” So the man asked, “In consideration of the fact that I want my son to become a medical doctor, and not an explorer; what will the fee be, if we remove, History, Geography and Physical Education?”

The Great Weekend

One Friday evening, a white haired old man with one arm around the waist of a beautiful young girl, walked into a jewelry store and told the jeweler, “I feel favoured with my beautiful girlfriend, and you are the man to sell me a very special ring for her.” Without any hesitation, jeweler brought out a £10,000 ring and showed it to him. But the old man said, “l don't think you understand, l really want something very special.'' With that type of statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring and said, “Here's a stunning ring at only £50,000.''

 

At the sight of the ring, the young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body visibly trembled with great excitement. The old man then smiled and said, “That is more like it! We'll take it.'' And when the jeweler asked how payment would be made, the old man said, “By cheque of course! l know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.” Early Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man and said, “There's no money in that account.” And the old man responded, “Yes, I know! But can you imagine the great weekend I had?”

Collective Happiness

After a group of 50 people attending a seminar were seated, the speaker handed each person a balloon and asked to write his/her name on it using a marker. Thereafter, all the balloons were collected and put in another room. The delegates were then let into that room and asked to find the balloon which had their respective names written on it within 5 minutes. And after a while of pushed and collided with each other in utter chaos while frantically searching for the balloons with their names, no one could find their own balloons at the end of 5 minutes.

 

Then each one was asked to randomly pick a balloon and give it to the person whose name was written on it. Within a few minutes everyone had their own balloons. The speaker then said, “This is exactly what is happening in our lives. Everyone is frantically looking for happiness all around, not knowing where it is. Our happiness lies in the happiness of other people. When you help others to find their happiness, you will also surely find your own happiness, and easier too.”

The Way Jesus Went

When a very popular pastor was dying in a hospital, he said to his doctor, “I can see it clearly now! Before I die, I would like you to do me a favour.” And the doctor said, “Sure! And what might that be?” And the pastor said, “I would like to see a senator and a judge.” When the senator and judge arrived, the pastor motioned them to sit one on his left and the other on his right. He then struggled and raised his both hands that they may hold on to his hands. With his hands now firmly in theirs, he remain quiet.

 

After the duo of senator and judge who were deeply moved by this gesture recovered from their deep thoughts, they said, “We are certainly most honoured to be here! But why did you invite us?” And with what seemed like his last breath, the pastor said, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that is the way I wish to go!”

The Dead Pussy

 When an old lady had to go to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat, she boarded the bus and whispered to the driver, “I have a dead pussy.” The driver smiled, pointed to a seat in a row behind him and said, “Very well, sit with my wife. You both have a lot in common.”

A Life Of Compromise

 When a woman opened her purse to pay for her shopping at the cash counter and the cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse, he couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today.” (Lesson: Accompany your wife.)

 

The shopkeeper laughed and took back all the items the lady had purchased. Shocked at this act, she asked the shopkeeper what he was doing. He said, "Your husband has blocked your credit card." (Lesson: Respect the hobbies of your husband.) The wife then took out her husband's credit card from her purse and swiped. Unfortunately he didn't block his own card. (Lesson: Don't underestimate the power of a WIFE.)

 

After swiping, the machine indicated, “ENTER OTP SENT TO YOUR MOBILE.” (Lesson: When man tends to lose, machine is smart enough to save him!) And when she turned back with depression, her mobile rang and showed a forwarded SMS, "Your OTP is..." Finally she paid for her items and returned home happily. (Lesson: Not all men are bad. Good men always put their families first at all times.)