Who Is A Lawyer?

When asked, “Who is a Lawyer?” He replied, “A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a 'brief'. A lawyer is one whose work is not done until he complicates the simplest matters.”

So a Professor stepped into a law class and threw an orange at one of his students and said "Give it as a gift to any of your friends now." The boy said to one of his friends, "Tee, I give this orange to you as a gift." The Professor gave him a stern look and said, "Like a lawyer!!!"

 

Immediately, the boy straightened up, cleared his throat and began, "I, Stanley Omerfield, adult, male of M16 Stapley Drive, hereby with all intent and purposes, willfully give unto you, Messrs Theodore Billings of Creepton Street, this citrus with its skin, seeds, segments, juice and supple innings that you may exercise actual and proprietary rights thereon, to hold unto same as a gift, a bequest, an endowment validly so transferred, given out, bequeathed, alienated, assigned, that you may eat, lick, devour, suck, make juice out of, munch or grant, give out, devolve, alienate in your rightful capacity as the owner either in actual, virtual or constructive capacity of an agent or attorney as may be chosen by you, that the said citrus may be treated in the aforementioned ways or other ways not so listed but not as a weapon to be thrown at persons or animals with malicious intent to hurt, inflict pain or serve as an incendiary action to incite unrest of any kind, but that the said citrus may be used in such beneficial capacity or simply be destroyed in such exercise of legal and equitable ownership as may be fit by the beneficiary of this bequest." Haba, “All of this just to give an orange to a friend?”

The Fear Of Death

When Ifatedo was returning from a late night outing, he was stopped by some police men for what they claim was a routine stop and search. But before being asked, Ifatedo quiclly produced his driver’s license and vehicle documents, and added, “Officer, they are complete and up to date. Please check.” One of the police men retorted, “Do you want to teach us our job?” And another police man asked, “By the way, where are you coming from at this late hour?” Then Ifatedo responded, “I am coming from the cemetery, after a funeral and burial.” And the police men chorused, “Funeral and burial after midnight? Who died? What killed him? And is he your friend or relation?”

 

And taking his time to explain, Ifatedo said, “Actually, he is one police man. He is not my friend or relation. And I don’t even know him. It was reported that as soon as he had collected a bribe from one motorist, his hand started to swell right up to his neck. And he died within seven hours.” Puzzled, the police asked, “And what is your concern? What is your business with the burial?” Then Ifatedo concluded, “I was called to remove the money from the dead man’s hand, because I am the one that prepared the charm. Look, I am tired. Let me find you something and let me go.” The police men as if on cue, immediately chorused, “Oga, please go! Police is your friend!”

My Quick Fix For The Nigerian Economy

Since there can be no arguing the fact that we are all culpable in wrecking the Nigerian economy, and knowingly too, I guarantee that we can revamp it by appreciating and applying the following quick fixes.

 

(1)    Scrap the National Assembly. You don’t need to be a Rocket Scientist to know that they are the biggest drain, and that they have not in any way impacted positively on our economy, administration and welfare. Their supposed functions can be more effectively performed by the State Deputy Governors; who will meet once a month for three to five days.

(2)    Vehicles are just a means of transportation, and we have the ability to produce vehicles; so let us use only the vehicles that we can produce locally.

(3)    Food is primarily to nourish our bodies for a healthy living, and we have the richest foods because the Creator, who is also known as Papa God, created the best food that is best for us; so let us eat our own foods.

(4)    Clothes and shoes are just to cover our nakedness and protect our feet, and we have the ability to produce our own clothes and shoes; so let us wear our own clothes and shoes.

(5)    Drinks are to nourish our bodies, and we have enough natural drinks and the ability to produce them; so let us produce and consume our own drinks.

(6)    Vacationing is for relaxation, and we have cheaper and more effective locations to relax; so let us use our own abundant resorts.

(7)    Medicare is the ability to take care of our health, and we have the ability to do just that; so let us improve, expand and use our own facilities. After all, most of our people who fly abroad in first class for medical treatments are usually returned to us as cargoes.

(8)     Fuels have been produced in small scales by my brothers; so let us legalize them, that we may have cheaper fuels for the masses.

(9)    And in education, we are super stars. We can learn anything, and beat the originators at it. This is true because our religious men and women now claim to know more about Christianity and Islam, more than the Israelites and the Arabs do.

Some Things That I Have Learned

I have learned that people will forget what you said, and what you did; but they will never forget how you made them feel.

 

I've learned that, no matter what happens and how bad it seems today; life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

 

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

 

I've learned that making a living, is not the same thing as making a life.

 

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

 

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can; happiness will find you.

 

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

 

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

 

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch, holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

 

I've learned that sharing doubles happiness; so please feel free to share this and all others.

 

And I've learned that I still have a lot more to learn.

NIGERIA CBN GOVERNOR

Godwin Emefiele was Quoted:

It is either I do not understand economics and how exchange rates work or a vast majority of us Nigerians still don’t get how we have wrecked our country with our own curious choices. Just this morning, I was listening to the radio and the lady on air went on and on about how she thought CBN governor, Godwin Emefiele was incompetent and should be sacked because the Naira was now exchanging at 309 or so to the USD. That view pretty much echoes the sentiments expressed by many people I know and it amazes me that there are Nigerians who actually think there is some magic POLICY that can make the Naira strong in the near term. If my economics and my understanding of the way the world works are right, then that is as far from the truth as Jesus Christ is black.

The simple fact of the matter is that apart from oil that accounts for over 90% of our revenues, we really don’t have much of an economy. We hardly produce anything, we import even toothpicks, so exactly what policy is going to be implemented that will turn Nigeria into a top exporting economy in the near term? Where are our Apples, IBMs, Disneys, GMs, General Electrics, Coca Colas, Empire State buildings, Statues of Liberties, Lockheeds, Citibanks, JP Morgans, ExxonMobils, NBAs, Super Bowls etc? Let me bring that closer home. There was a time long ago when Nigeria had a truly strong economy and the naira was one to the dollar – even exchanged for higher than the USD, but that Nigeria is not this Nigeria. Sadly that Nigeria was laid by the British, and this Nigeria (if you don’t believe in the nonsensical imperialist conspiracies like me) – fueled by the DAMAGING Indigenization Decree, has been the creation of us Nigerians.

Back then we had a booming economy. We were either the top, or among the top exporters, of timbre, cocoa, groundnuts, rubber, palm oil, etc, in the world. Nigerians not only holidayed at home in their villages, at Yankari Games Reserve, at Obudu Cattle Ranch, at Oguta Lake, at Ikogosi springs, at Gurara Falls, at Mambilla Platueau, etc, we attracted international tourists who brought in loads of foreign exchange. Even Nigerian schools were foreign exchange earners because they attracted foreign students.

We had different car assembly plants – Peugeot, Volkswagen, Anamco etc. Nigerian government officials only bought vehicles assembled in Nigeria for official cars. We had a thriving sports industry. We were not Man United or Chelsea fans, we were Rangers or IICC fans. We had the Nduka Odizors, people made money from sports. We also had companies like Lennards and Bata producing school shoes in their thousands, we had the thriving Nigerian Airways and the Aviation School in the north that produced some of the best pilots in the world. In those days if you were brilliant you were respected much more than the crass money-miss-road contractors of today. Most of the Aje Butters I knew had fathers who were university dons. Back then it meant something to ‘know book’. Our textile industry was alive and well. Just recently I watched a news report on the textile industry in Nigeria on CCTV News. Though the main focus was on the comatose status of the industry, I was stunned by the gigantic Kaduna Textile Mill built in 1957. I could go on and on.

Today however, no thanks to our parents (and we must call them out the way Wole Soyinka did his generation) and many of us (and we should be remembered for failing our children if we continue like this), we have destroyed everything. Today for instance Nigerian football (which comes easy to me obviously) doesn’t appeal to us, we have to fly across thousands of miles to watch ‘our’ clubs play. Every year we collectively burn billions of Naira being fans of clubs that give us nothing back, but some ‘entertainment value’ – simple pleasures for which we are ready to destroy the future of our children.

Well people, payback time is here. Even with our ta-she-re money we all want to wear designer clothes and carry designer bags, Armani, Givenchy, Louis Vuitton etc. We all want to drive jeeps with American specs, our children must now school overseas and acquire the necessary accents to come back home and bamboozle their ‘bush and crass’ contemporaries that they left behind. Who holidays in Nigeria anymore, is there Disneyland here? No one buys made-in-Nigeria, school bags for their children, after all no Superman or Incredible Hulk or Cinderella on them.

We are no longer top exporters of anything and the demise of oil means we have zilch… zero. A country of 170M fashion- conscious people has no textile industry. We take delight in showing how our made-in- Switzerland Aso Ebi is different class to everyone else’s. When we help our musicians grow and pay them millions, they repay us by immediately shipping the monies overseas to produce their “i-don-dey-different-level” music videos. It makes no difference that distinctly Zulu dancers are dancing to a Nigerian highlife song.

As stars concerned they also wed and holiday overseas to impress us all. All the musicians who acknowledge their Ajegunle roots now speak in a cocktail of strange accents to symbolize how much they have blown their monies overseas. Were we a more serious people, the highly popular Kingsway Stores of the past would probably have a thousand outlets pan Nigeria today supporting a massive agriculture industry among others, but today we have the likes of SPAR, Shoprite, dominating the retail industry while Kingsway is dead.

And we Nigerians make it a special point to shop from the Oyinbos who have ‘cleaner shops’, ‘better this and better that’. For our personal pleasure we don’t mind them dominating us in our own backyard and shipping proceeds overseas. I could go on and on, but I don tire. Even as you are reading this, stop for a moment and look around you. What you see will probably explain why we are lucky it is not N1000 to the USD yet. And don’t think for a moment that it cannot get there.

Just continue to wear your Armani gear and Swiss-made lace, continue to spend your money on Man United, Arsenal, Chelsea and Barca and encourage your children to do same. (My article tomorrow in my Saturday column in This Day is on the Nigerian champions Enyimba FC – Nigeria’s most successful club – not having a sponsor, yet Nigerian brands pay over N600m to Man United and Arsenal for sponsorship to impress us.) Ehhh, no problem, continue to tell me the NPFL is rubbish or the clubs should clean up their act if they want sponsorship, mo gbo.

Don’t curtail your interest in choice wines ( we were the number one champagne consumers in the world in 2015), continue to love your American specs, cheer the education ministry for letting schools sink to pitiable levels, don’t fight them to improve our schools, don’t chide them for letting schools drop Nigerian history and embrace British, America and whatever else curricular.

Carry on with your love of French wines and Chinese silk, don’t bother about Jamiu Alli when there is Roger Federer. Stock up on your Italian, American, British products which you cannot live without, including the ‘baby soft’ toilet rolls produced only in that small unique village in England – the days are long gone since you were a broke student who used wet newspapers to wipe your butt.

Don’t even consider holidaying in Nigeria, it’s too dangerous – you have to fulfill your dream of being Nigeria’s Henry Ford. Don’t listen to people like me who have a wardrobe full of only cheap adire that is actually cheaper than just one of your Tom Ford blazers. Please keep dressing in fine silk made in some exotic place so you can be addressed accordingly.

Finally keep letting corrupt leaders who have looted your commonwealth and shipped all the monies overseas get away because to attack them does not fit your political narrative. Let us continue with the fine life, let us all continue to work for Oyinbo. But don’t forget that there is a payback time:

Worth sharing again. I must equally add, there is nothing wrong in wearing designers but it's the misplaced priority over the lives of children and the economy of a whole nation. Remember that Because you can afford it, does not make it compulsory to have it.

Pls pa[truncated by WhatsApp]

The Fart Football

As soon as an old married couple hit the pillows, the old man passed gas and said, “Seven Points.” His wife rolled over and asked, “What in the world was that?” And the old man replied, “It is fart football." A few minutes later his wife let one go and said, “Touchdown, tie score.” After about five minutes the old man let another one go and said, “Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7” And not to be outdone, the wife ripped out another one and said, “Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds went by and she let out a little squeaker and said, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure was on the old man, who refused to get beaten by a woman; so he strained real hard. Since defeat was totally unacceptable, he gave it everything he's got, and accidentally crapped in the bed. And when the wife asked, “What the hell was that?” The old man replied, “Half time, switch sides.”

You Are A Winner

Biology says that after sexual intercourse, about 200 to 300 million sperms are deposited by the man; and they all begin to swim towards the egg. And out of the over 200 million sperms that are deposited, only 300 to 500 actually reach the site. Others get tired on the way because it is not usually an easy race. And out of the 300 that manage to reach the egg, only one fertilizes it.

 

And in this case, the Winning Sperm was YOU. Have you ever thought about this? You ran a race without eyes and limbs, and you won! You ran a race without any form of education, and you won! You ran a race without any form of certificate, and you won! You ran a race without any form of assistance, and you won! What makes you think you will lose now?

 

Now that you have added features of eyes, limbs, brains, knowledge, experiences, dreams, vision, and ability to plan; you will always win. So go ahead and continue to win. It doesn't matter what obstacles and challenges may come your way; just regard them as a blessing in disguise, to prepare you for greater victories. Above all, be grateful for every new breath that you take.