Ten Things I Know About You

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person and everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

The Hypochondriac

When Cyril, one of the world’s greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his doctor one day at the supermarket, he exclaimed, “Doc! I’ve been meaning to tell you. Remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!”

And his doctor exclaimed, “Wow! What wonderful news Cyril! I’m so happy for you!” But dismal looking Cyril asked, “Wonderful? There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now.”

In The Army Of The Lord

After the Christmas service last Christmas, and in line coming out of the church, the vicar was standing at the door as always, to shake hands with the worshipers. When I got to the door, the vicar grabbed me by the hand, pulled me aside and said to me, “You need to join the army of the Lord.” And I replied, “Father, I’m already in the army of the Lord.”  So the vicar inquired, “Then how come I only see you at Christmas and at Easter?” And I whispered to him, “I’m in the secret service.”

Stop Moving The Line

While doing his standard patrol, a cop noticed a car swerving all over the road. He quickly turned on his siren and pulled the guy over. When the man got out of the car, the cop said, “Alright, walk in a straight line.” And the man said, “I’d be happy to, as soon as you stop moving the stupid line.”

Compromise

A wise man once said, “Compromising does not mean you are wrong, and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego.”

Ever Ungrateful

A man, late for an important meeting, was searching desperately for a parking spot in a crowded lot. Looking up to the sky he entreated, “Lord if you find me a parking spot, I promise to start going to church again.” The words were barely out of his mouth, when a spot opened up right in front of his car. The man looked back up and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

The Fur Coat

When Anne went away to college, she promptly became an avid animal right activist. And when she came home for the Holidays and noticed her mother wearing a beautiful genuine fur coat, she exclaimed in a disapproving tone, “Oh Mom! Some animal must have suffered terribly just so you can get a fur coat.”

Apparently aghast, her mother screamed, “ANNE! I SENT YOU AWAY TO COLLEGE AND YOU COME BACK TALKING LIKE THAT?! HOW DARE YOU TALK THAT WAY ABOUT YOUR DAD!!!”