Being Old And Forgetful

When two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation, one of the men asked the other, "James, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" And James answered, "It was outstanding. They taught us all the latest psychological techniques. They taught us how to visualize and associate. It has really made a huge difference for me."

Impressed, his friend said, "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" And James went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember the name of the clinic. Then suddenly, he smiled and asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" His friend then asked, "Do you mean a rose?" And James responded, "Yes, that's it," then turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

The Misapplied Advice

Tired of his wife’s over assertiveness, a frustrated husband went to consult a Psychiatrist. And after listening to his tales of woes, the Psychiatrist told him, "You don't have to let your wife bully you. Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband gladly took the Psychiatrist’s advice, got home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you shall take orders from me. Now, I want my supper right away. And when you have set it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes.”

The husband continued, “Tonight, I am going out with the boys. And you are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, do you know who is going to tie my bow tie?" And his wife calmly replied, "I certainly do. The undertaker would."

A Doctor With Wrong Idea

When a well-endowed lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table during her annual checkup, she said shyly, "Doctor, I just can't undress in front of you." And the doctor said, "All right, I shall switch off the lights. When you have undress, let me know."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" And the doctor responded, "Just put them on the chair, right on top of mine."

Why You Should Watch Where You Lean

After a night out with his date, a boy took her back to the front of her home, leaned with one hand on the wall and said to her, "Sweetie, I would love you to give me a blowjob." And the girl exclaimed, "What! You're crazy. No way. Someone, a relative or neighbour may see us." And the boy explained, "Not at this time of the night. No one will show up. Don't worry. It will be quick. There will be no problem."

And the girl insisted, "I've already said NO, and I say NO!" But when the boy persisted with, "Honey, don't be like that. It's just a small blowie, and I know you will like it too," the front door suddenly opened, and the younger sister said, "Dad said, either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself; but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

Uncanny Funeral Procession

Driving home one afternoon, John was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down his way. He became very curious when he noticed that the procession consisted entirely of men, led by a man holding a huge fear-inspiring-looking dog.

So John walked up to the man at the front of the line and politely said, "Excuse me for interrupting you in your time of grief, but I've never seen such a funeral procession, in my life. Would you mind telling me who it's for?" T the mourner explained, "It's for my mother-in-law. My dog here killed her."

John then commiserated, "Oh, that's terrible. But please pardon me for asking at this time. Is there any way you could lend me your dog for a day or so?" And the bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "You have to get in line."

Sin No More

One afternoon during the last Christmas period, a man stopped by the local church and said to the Pastor, "Pastor, please pray for me. I stole a turkey earlier today.” Though impressed by the seeming repentance, the Pastor rebuked and told him, "That was a terrible thing to do." Remorsefully, the man said, "Yes Pastor, I now realize that. Do you want it?" The Pastor replied "No, go give it back to the man that you stole it from."

The man thought for a moment and said, "I tried to give it back, but he refused it." The Pastor then told him, "In that case, you can keep the turkey, but sin no more." The man thanked the Pastor and went away, happily. That evening, when the Pastor arrived home, he discovered that his turkey had been stolen.

Praising God Always

A parish Priest who was reputed for ending every sermon with, “Praise God. Always praise God in all situations,” arrived at the scene of multiple deaths, and watched in harrow, the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When the Priest and the earlier arrivals went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

One parishioner said, "This may be double murder and a suicide. This guy may have come home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." As if the Priest was reading the minds of his parishioners, he said, “Praise God.” Perplexed, an elder asked, “Why will you praise God in a situation such as this?” The Priest replied, "Yes, praise God. You see this guy here on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that other guy would have been me."