When God Processed Admissions

Four nuns, who were in line at the Pearly Gates, were very excited to hear that God would be in charge of processing admissions into heaven, for that day. And they didn’t have to wait for long, before God arrived. To the first nun, God asked, “Have you ever sinned?” She replied, "Well, I've seen a penis." God brought out a holy water dispenser from his backpack, sprayed some on her eyes and admitted her into heaven.

He asked the second nun, “Have you ever sinned?” She replied, "I've held a penis." God brought out a bowl of holy water from his backpack, asked her to dip in her hands and admitted her into heaven. The fourth nun immediately jumped the queue and stood in front of the third nun. And God asked, “Why did you do that?” The fourth nun replied, "Well, I need to gargle with it before she sits in it."

Why Have We Become So Gullible?

I’m so pained to talk about our gullibility that I don’t seem to know where to begin. Okay, let me try to put my thoughts together, by starting from our homes. Shall we call it gullibility or stupidity, when our daughters bring home items that we can ill-afford, tell us that God provides; and we believe and happily receive? Why do we continue to live a false life of being one in marriage, when neither knows what the other earns, or how his or her lifestyle is financed? Who is fooling who? I get so confused, every time I wish to fathom a reason for our moral bankruptcy. Why have we become too blind to see the filth and insanity all around us?

Our love of falsehood has made us willing victims of fraudsters, when we gullibly believe someone can make us reap where we have not sown. How on earth, do we hope to receive service from anyone who may have spent more money than he/she would earn in a year, just to get that job? They say, “Once bitten, twice shy.” How many times do we have to be bitten, before we get wise, if ever we would? When shall we begin to appreciate that, "Insanity, is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Whenever I have the presence of mind to think about our governance, I begin to wonder if our Rotarian brothers are truly Nigerians. And that is a talk for another day.

Haven said that, I love our governance. I even love our religiosity. Why won’t one love a people who act the Ostrich, more than the Ostriches themselves?  Why won’t one love a people who while they are holding and swearing with the Bible/Quran in one hand, are stealing and looting with the other hand; all at the same time? Why won’t one love a people who can’t preach against these ills, because their tithes come from our filth and insanity? Why won’t one love a people who would bless their offerings and even dedicate what they have built with their lootings?

Our laziness, greed and gullibility will not permit us to ask our religious know-it-alls, what has happened to God’s Laws. We chant, “We are serving the Almighty God, we are serving the All-Knowing God, we are serving an Un-changing God, but we continue to shamelessly and heartlessly loot our treasuries; yet we go on celebrating our contradictions and call it worship and fellowship.”

How To Enjoy Your Life

You have to appreciate Life, before you can enjoy it. You have to appreciate that life is a school, where you are to learn. You have to appreciate that every school has a curriculum. And when you appreciate that problems are simply part of its curriculum that are meant to teach you some lessons, you begin to enjoy life. You have to appreciate among others, the negative effects of worries, hatred, jealousy, anger and greed.

It’s simple to appreciate the negative effects of the aforementioned, when you stand in front of your mirror and watch your face. As you watch your face in the mirror, smile for few minutes then slowly say the word, “Love.” You will be amazed to see the glow on your face, and feel the calmness in your nerves. Next minute, turn around slowly and before you look at your face in the mirror, think worry, hatred, jealousy, anger or greed. Like they say in advertising, “The difference is clear.” You won’t have to be a Rocket Scientist, to feel your uneasiness, increased breathing and heartbeat, and see an uncomplimentary face.

Avoid worrying about yesterday, today and tomorrow; by appreciating that yesterday is history. And history being a great teacher, you should appreciate its experiences and lessons, because they form the foundation upon which today is being built; without which you can’t enjoy or manage its reality. Today is therefore a product of yesterday. And as today becomes the yesterday of tomorrow, tomorrow ceases to be as much a mystery as you would perceive. Appreciate that if you fail to plan, you have planned to fail. So, appreciate and use your experiences and lessons of your yesterday, to build your today; to create your almost mystery-free tomorrow.

How They Walked Across Water

One fine day, a trio of Priest, Imam, and Herbalist, decided to go offshore, on a-day-fishing-trip. Two hours after they arrived at a fishing spot, the Herbalist said, "Sorry guys, I think I forgot the food onshore." So he stepped off the boat, seemingly walked across the water to the shore, got the picnic basket, and walked back.

As they were eating, the Imam said, "I have just remembered that I left the drinks." He too stepped right off the boat, seemingly walked across the water to the shore, got the drinks, and also walked back. Though really frustrated, but believing in his faith, the Priest thought to himself, “I too, can do it. After all, my mentor started this game.” He then excused himself. And as he stepped out of the boat, he fell into the water.

The Imam turned to the Herbalist, and asked, "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?"

How Joseph Blackmailed Jesus

Once upon a time, there lived a little Christian boy, called Joseph. Though he was born into a Christian home, being brought up in the faith and made to attend Sunday school every Sunday, Joseph was still a really bad seed. He was so bad, he knew it. And when he wanted a bike for Christmas really badly, he knew no one would give him one. So, he decided on writing a letter to Jesus.

He started, "Dear Jesus, if I get a bike for Christmas, I'll be good for a whole week." He thought about what he has written, tore it up and wrote another, "Dear Jesus, if I get a bike for Christmas, and if I can't be good for a whole week, I'll be good for four days. No, let us make it one day." When he realized he can't be good for even a day, he rushed into his mother's room in frustration, grabbed the statue of the Virgin Mary, wrapped it in a blanket, and locked it up in the closet.

Then he wrote, "Dear Jesus, if I don't get a bike for Christmas, you'll never see your mother again."

The Priests’ dilemmas

Three priests and three young boys were travelling on a boat to another Island when their boat started to sink. In distress, the first priest said, "Save the boys." Equally distressed, the second priest said, "Fuck the boys." But offhandedly, the third priest said, "Do you think we have the time?"