Who Is More Talented?

Last summer, while attending a Marriage Seminar on Relationships, the speaker asked, “Who is more talented, the husband or the wife?” I thought to myself, “This is a loaded question.” A lady then broke the ice by saying, “It’s quite obvious that a wife is generally more talented than a husband; considering that a wife practices as a lay physician, nurse, administrator, teacher, designer/decorator, cook, janitor and lover; to mention a few.”

Another lady added, “A wife is not only more talented, she also does effectively multi-task; considering that while beating eggs for breakfast in the kitchen, she could have a phone comfortably secured between her shoulder and ear chatting away with a friend, eavesdropping on her husband’s phone conversation in the living room, and still making sure the children are getting dressed and be down for breakfast.

And when a man volunteered to contribute, I heaved what turned out to be a short-lived sigh of relief. He started by saying, “To start with, a wife is more historical than her husband.” But when the speaker immediately cut in to correct, "You mean hysterical." The man insisted, "No, I mean HISTORICAL. Every argument you have, she'll go, I still remember that time when you did this and did that."

The man continued, “And whatever you give a wife, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be prepared to receive a lorry load of shit.”

Why Don’t You Have A Boyfriend?

While a lady was recovering from a surgery, she spent most of the day in bed, at her home. One day, her seven year old son asked, “Mum, why don’t you have a boyfriend?” The lady smiled and said, “Son, I do have a boyfriend. The television is my boyfriend.” Puzzled, her son asked, “How can a television be your boyfriend?”

Trying hard to make light of her situation, she said, “It entertains me all the time. The only problem at the moment is its age. It would just shut off for no reason. But when I give it a few hard bangs on the side, it would come back on. And that is no big deal.”

 
A couple of days later when the lady was trying to get the television to come back on, and the Pastor stopped by to check on her recovery, her son answered the door. The pastor smiled and asked, "Is your mom busy, son?" Her son replied, "No sir. She is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."

What Did God Say?

A Muslim businessman, who was very troubled by how and the way his daughter was turning out be, quickly went to see his Imam about it. In frustration, he told his Imam, "I have brought my daughter up in our faith. I have given her a very expensive education and a Nikkah that cost me a fortune. A few weeks ago, she turned round to tell me she has decided to become a Christian. Imam, where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong?"

The Imam stroked his long white beards in deep thought, heaved a sigh and said, "Though not interesting, this is funny that you have come to me at this moment. Just like you, I too have brought up my son in our faith. And I have put him through the university that cost me a fortune. Then one day he came up and told me, he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the businessman. "I turned to God for an answer," replied the Imam. Impatiently, the businessman asked, "And what did God say?" The Imam replied, "God said, you should have known that.”

How Our Obsessions Manifest

One day, some young mothers and their small children, attended a group therapy session conducted by a Psychiatrist.  The Psychiatrist started by saying, "We all have obsessions. And they manifest in some of the things we love, do and or say."

To demonstrate his theory, he asked four volunteers for the names of their children. He then proceeded to analyze their obsessions. To the first volunteer, he said, "You are obsessed with eating, so you have named your daughter, Candy." Turning to the second volunteer, he said, “Your obsession is with money. That is why your child's name is Penny."

And coming to the third volunteer, he said, "Your obsession is alcohol. And this has manifested in your child’s name, Brandy."  At this stage, the fourth volunteer took her little boy by the hand and whispered to him, "Come on, Dick. We're leaving here."

At The Pearly Gates

When three contractors died in a plane crash, they arrived at the Pearly Gates to a warm welcome. Saint Peter mused, "This is perfect. The gates need repair and I can now quickly get three reasonable estimates." So, he asks the first contractor Olatunde what it would cost to fix the gates. Olatunde walked over to the gates, inspected and measured them and gave Saint Peter an estimate of N875,000.

Saint Peter thanked him and asked the second contractor Ugochukwu for his estimate. Ugochukwu walked over to the gates, inspected and measured them and gave Saint Peter an estimate of N1,615,000 and said, “I’m not really charging for this job.”

Saint Peter also thanked him and asked the third contractor Abubakar for his own estimate. Without hesitation, Abubakar promptly gave Saint Peter an estimate of N2,875,000. In shock, Saint Peter asked Abubakar, “How can you give me an estimate of two million, eight hundred and seventy-five thousand naira? You didn’t even inspect or measure the gates.” Abubakar replied, “That is simple Saint Peter, N1,000,000 for you, N1,000,000 for me, and N875,000 for Olatunde, to do the job.

I Would Rather Go To Hell

When an old lady who had lived a decent and love-filled life died, she had no worries about her final judgment. So while at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted into heaven, she heartily chatted with St. Peter. Suddenly, there came the most awful and blood-curdling screams. St. Peter smiled and calmly said, "Don't worry about that. It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

Though the old lady looked a little uncomfortable, she carried on with her conversation with St. Peter. Fifteen minutes later, there came more blood curdling screams. Involuntarily, the old lady also screamed and asked, “Oh my God! What is happening now?" St. Peter assuredly said, "Don’t you worry. She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"That does it. I can't do this. I would rather go to hell," said the old lady. Finally, St. Peter then warned, "You can't go there. You'll be raped and sodomized." And smiling knowingly, the old lady said, "Maybe so, but I've already got the holes for that."